2.1.17

Feel Like A Weakling, Act Like A Bad Ass




I put on an outfit like this and I present myself like one bad-ass mother fucker who literally couldn't give a crap about anything. I'll walk round like I'm totally together, organised and calm. I'll smile at people I know, and when they don't smile back (yep, that usually does happen), I'll roll my eyes and carry on with my day. I'll play music loudly and sing along as if were secretly Beyonce and I'll take 3,000 selfies whilst i'm 'feelin' myself'. I'll sit and write blog posts about 'Not Giving A Fuck' or 'Being Yourself' and I'll preach that we will all one day feel 'okay'.

The truth is, today I do not feel okay. In fact I haven't felt that great since Boxing Day. 

Whilst I'm writing this it's only the 28th of December, but you won't be reading this until the New Year. Anyway, for the past few days, I have felt well and truly crap. I've felt fat, ugly, tired, lonely, sad, depressed, tearful, sick, unorganized, lost, numb to things, odd and just all round rubbish. It's not been great. To be honest, I could expect this to happen, I have been on a pretty good high for a while... I was bound to come crashing down for a bit. 




You see, that's how life works. We all have to have our ups and downs, we all have to suffer sometimes to push ourselves further and we all have to deal with some down-right shitty things. 

For example, I've had the most incredibly horrific body dysmorphia over the past few days. I have looked in the mirror and seen something completely different, each and every time. I have had to cover myself in baggy clothes and hide under my duvet, watching The Notebook, to take my mind off of it. I've had to constantly tell myself that my head is playing tricks on me and that I don't look like my former Size 16 self that I so terribly hated. I've had to really really try. Sometimes, I've just given in and had a bloody good cry, because honestly, I think I've forgotten how to look after myself.

I'm constantly writing blog posts on here, trying to encourage and help others and whilst I'm building everyone else up, I seem to have come crashing down a bit. Don't get me wrong, I love writing the content that I do. I love hearing that my writing has helped people or that people can relate. However, it means that I begin to focus less on myself... and that's where things get a bit tricky.

Despite what many of you might think from the way that I write, I am in no way at all cured from the Mental Illnesses I have. I still have terribly down days and struggle a lot. I'm not perfect, nor is any other human. I write from experience and I also tend to write on my more positive days, because that's when I can give you the most encouraging and helpful advice. I can have my 'motivated' mind switched on and I can tell you that you need to stay positive and 'not care' about things. However, it's days like this that I'm reminded that sometimes it's soooo incredibly difficult to 'not care'.




Right now, I really really care. I care what I look like, I care that I'm feeling like this, I care that people might be disappointed in me. I know that people expect me to be an inspiring person who can conquer all... but today, I can't.

I think I present myself like someone who's tough as nails and I'm just not. I'm a very sensitive person, I am very easily triggered by things and I can obsess and obsess over tiny details for hours on end. I can sit around in bed, wallowing in self-pity, for weeks (I'm not kidding, I've done it) and I can cry and cry and cry until I've literally got no tears left. However, I think that what does actually make me a strong person and a 'bad-ass', is that despite all of that, I can often still get up and push myself to at least 'appear' to be 'okay'. I pull myself together and whack on a dark vampy lip and PVC trousers and I say 'come on Hol, you can do this' (I actually say this at least 6 times a day *I talk to myself a lot*). I tell myself that as much as it's okay not to be okay, it's also a lot better to be feeling happy and excited about life and not completely down in the dumps. I've realised that I need to start taking my own advice on board.

So today, I'm going to give myself some advice.

You might be feeling down and your reflection might not be exactly what you'd have hoped, but come on, you can do this. Get up, get dressed and be productive - you will feel a hell of a lot better if you get some shit done and get out of bed. You will feel better if you put some make up on and do your hair, you might even look in the mirror and like what you see. You will feel better from ticking off your to-do list or tidying our room (tidy room, tidy mind and all that) and you will for sure feel better if you get out of the house, even if it's just for a five minute walk.

It's good to force yourself to get up and get shit done sometimes. Faking it till you make it can actually work. No matter how much of a 'weakling' you're feeling, try and get up, put on a sassy outfit and remember what a bad-ass bitch you really are.

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4 comments:

  1. Wow I would have never guessed this lovely, hope you're feeling better ... Start taking your own advice Holly!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much - I know, I definitely need to! xx

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  2. You look absolutely stunning babe! I hope you're feeling amazing now, you're beaut inside and out.

    Layla Panam Fashion Blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Layla, right back at you, you babe! xxx

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