7.6.17

It's Okay To Be Vulnerable


Despite how I may come across online, I am a very vulnerable person.

I think I often appear quite self assured, knowing all the ins and outs of my mind, but yet, despite the fact that I do think I am quite self assured and do know a lot about whats going on in my head, I am still very weak, lost and confused.






I am complex. I know I am. There is a lot going on in that little brain of mine. Every little thing from the past 5/6 years has lead me to where I am today, and, if you read this blog often, then you'll know that I'm the kind of person that has learnt to explain, or over-explain, every little detail of that.

If I feel an emotion, I feel a huge urge to back it up with facts and anecdotes of my life so that it can all make sense to other people. I feel the need to validate everything that I feel with a back story and reasoning.

In one way, I think that that's amazing. I think the fact that I've learnt to understand my mind, my subconscious, the deep routed hurt that I've been through, means that I've learnt who I truly am as a person. I've learnt to deal with the issues I have and work through a lot of stuff. However, it's also made me feel like I need to back everything up. I have to give everything some kind of long winded explanation. I've begun to question everything.






I'll think about how my life stood still for a few years when I became ill. I'll think about the way that on my 18th birthday it felt like my 14th. And, I'll often wonder, is that why I feel vulnerable? Is it because when I turned 18, I still only felt 14? Is it because my mind still feels like a scared teenager? Did my life stand still for so long that my mind has no idea how to catch up?

Then I'll wonder whether it's not just that, but if I am so 'broken' that I can't be fixed. Do I feel vulnerable because my years with mental illness have tainted me? Have they screwed up my emotions to a point where I feel so pathetic and hurt that even the most minor of thing can make me feel attacked? Would I feel stronger or weaker if they weren't a part of me?

I even start to wonder about the years before things 'went wrong'. Did school bullies and isolation make me weak? Did my self-deprecation behind the intelligence of my brother make me feel small? Where did it all begin?

I've thought about it all over and over and over. I've questioned everything and anything that could have made me this way, but I've come to realise that it doesn't matter what age I am or what age I feel; it doesn't matter if my mental illnesses made me feel this way or whether or not I am 'broken'; what matters is if I feel vulnerable, then I feel vulnerable. I shouldn't have to validate my vulnerability. I shouldn't always need to explain why, or give this long lengthy talk about how my crazy ass emotional life has scarred me and created a person who is so very easily wounded and fragile.





BAG - PRIMARK

Okay, sure, of course giving some context to my emotional instability is always helpful, but why can't I just be vulnerable, and that's it. I'm vulnerable. Why has there always got to be a back story? Why can't I say that I feel hurt or wounded by something someone does or says, without sitting and explaining for a good 10 minutes about my traumatic past? Sometimes things just fucking hurt.

I think that's something I've become really bad at. I'm always explaining myself. I'm always having to validate my fragile emotions or the way I act and it's just like... why? Why can't I just say 'That hurt my feelings' and that be it?






Opening up about things is the only way I know how to be nowadays, but at the same time, it's great to just be able to say 'I feel shit today' and someone just say 'That's crap, here's a hug'. Rather than 'why?'

It's that word 'why?' that sends me off on some tangent, talking about Doctors and dark emotions and sometimes, I guess it'd be nice not to do that.




"Expect sadness like you expect rain. Both cleanse you."

I know that I'm definitely over sensitive - it's just the way I am. I think I've become accustomed to thinking that it's not okay to be sensitive to what people say or be hurt by words that I might not like, but in reality, if I feel something, then it's valid. If I feel sad, triggered, wounded, hurt, upset, angry, or whatever it may be, then I should be allowed to just feel it.

With any emotion, it doesn't matter if the reasoning behind it, just feel it.

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7 comments:

  1. Absolutely beautiful post! I've written something similar on my blog: bit.ly/2qPXbD8

    I've always believed that vulnerability has kept us closer to life itself, and helps us to live fully. Love that you allow yourself to feel what you feel without shame!

    Amber || mylifeinlimbo.com

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  2. That dress looks so beautiful with your hair colour. I get really emotional and vulnerable at times, I've kind of learnt to embrace it.

    http://ohduckydarling.com

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  3. Gorgeous post as always Holly. There's no need to justify your emotions, sometimes we just feel and that's okay. You look beautiful!
    Sophie xxx | Sophar So Good

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  4. Oh my gosh these photos are absolutely stunning. Also lovely words.

    - Nicole x

    Lipsticks and Louboutins

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  5. What a lovely post! I resonate with so much of what you say here. I'd go as far as to say it's not just ok to feel vulnerable, but good to! After all, we're human, we're not meant to be invisible. Acknowledging and allowing yourself to feel those emotions is simply allowing yourself to be human.

    whatevawears.co.uk

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  6. Amazing post. I resonate with it too and my way is to simply not express my sadness. I admit it to myself 'I feel like shit, life sucks, I am depressed and sad' yet I keep it to myself just so that I don't have to answer the annoying 'why's' usually paired with 'you're so lucky why would you be sad?'
    Well 'i'm sad and that's it. Can I be?'

    It's an emotion and people need to be more receptive to sadness I guess.

    Lovely post!


    http://www.desiringsme.com/are-you-always-hard-on-yourself/

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  7. Holly, this post is perfect and amazing and everything that describes how much it touched my heart. You wrote your emotions, perfectly in just a few sentences, and you made it so clear and so easy to understand... To be honest, somehow I was able to find myself in your post and after I realised how much we have in common, I appreciated that you had the guts to write this down and speak up for so many people.
    I completely suport you and your thoughts, because sometimes, "Why" is so indelicate and so inappropriate... It seems like they want you to feel everything all over again. I think it's a part of our society in which people just expect us to explain ourselves because unless we don't ahve a valid reason we are not allowed to feel vulnerable or hurt. It heartbreaking but true and I totally support you in your wish to just say "I'm hurt" or "You hurt my feelings by saying that" without giving any explanation. I think, as long as you say and feel this way, you have the right to decide if you want the other people to understand what reasons from e.g. the past led to this emotions. Just, don't do it girl. If you don't want to, then don't tell about your past. You don't have to, especially not, if you feal bad about it. People don't have to understand, and they won't understand if they don't want to.
    Remember that you're loved and that many people appreciate your work, your post and they way you are. People like you help others be a better person, and people like you are the reason, the world becomes a better and much more loveable place.
    In love,
    Nisa Hilal

    peonycrescent.com

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