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18.8.17

PANIC: I Have No Time On My Hands


At the moment, I cannot breathe.

I cannot think properly, I cannot talk properly, I cannot function properly, I just feel all over the place.

I'm still so used to the idea of having loads of time on my hands; my brain still exists in the world where I had no job, spent my days wallowing away in self pity and hiding in my bedroom.

But, sadly for my 'just want to do sweet fuck all' mentality, things have changed: I'm adulting now, I'm working now, I'm living an actual life right now.

And, well, in this life, I've recently been back and to to London for modelling, attempting to fit in time to organise and shoot blogging collaborations/filming videos, making a conscious effort to eat well and workout at the gym, and also trying (but successfully failing) to keep up my social life and make plans with friends too.

It's been busy and, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO IT ALL, OKAY?!




But, you see, this 'trying to do it all' mentality is really starting to take it's toll on me.

As much as I am living this life, and I understand that I've got to do certain things to achieve what I want to achieve, it's still incredibly overwhelming.

In fact, today I received an email, about something which I should have jumped for joy over, or at least felt marginally happy about, but I read it, instantly felt my heart beat race, my head hurt, and I just... burst into tears.



"Something else?!" I thought. Something else to add to that mountain of a to-do list? Something else to fill in on my calendar? Something else I'd have to spend time and money on?

I just couldn't handle it. The idea completely drowned me - it swallowed me up.

So... I rang my Mum and I cried.




There's something about having a full calendar, having no free time, having not a single moment to come up for air, that I just genuinely cannot handle.

I'm the kind of person that needs days to myself to get my head, my life and my bloody Natwest account, organised and together again. I need a few days in a row to really let myself relax, or calm down, and I need home comforts and I need sleep... I need a lot of sleep. And, at the moment, I don't feel like I've had any of that in a really long time.



Now, I feel stupid complaining about my busyness, because, I won't lie, it's mainly down to amazing opportunities and life changing career thangggsss, but, to be brutally honest with you, I am just getting so drained by it all.

I am feeling so exhausted, so down, so... depressed at the moment, and it's really fucking hard.

It's really hard to wake up and put on this huge smile, or persona for people, when really I would love to just curl up in my duvet like a sausage roll and hide in bed for a little while - just like I used to do.

It's very difficult to be napping on trains, surrounded by school children (curse you summer holidays) and intense football fans (please shut up with your chanting), when I could be napping on my comfy couch or in my cosy bed instead.

It feels crappy to be stuck on the London underground, only getting a Wifi connection inbetween stops, whilst your friends are texting about planning nights out, or going out somewhere together.

It's just so heavy to feel so responsible and adult, and to be working all. of. the. time.




That's why when I rang my Mum and cried, I finally felt a bit of relief.

Sure, it was a panic-attack-induced sense of relief, but at least it felt kind of uplifting once I'd calmed down and taken a deep breath.

Crying so hard, so manically, not even really making any sense at all, allowed me to let out just a little bit of what has been going on in my head lately.

I often keep a lot of things to myself, so when I talk to people, even when it comes to how I'm feeling, it can feel almost 'organised' or 'robotic', because I tend to overthink how I should word things or how things will be construed. So, I guess that just blurting it all out in a state of panic, allowed me to feel everything that I usually suppress and carry on working through.



BOOTS - EGO

But, like I said, I do have an understanding of life, of the world, of the reason why I can't just keep hiding in bed anymore.

I know that these things are happening because I need them to happen to get to where I want to be and that having no time on my hands is weirdly a very good thing right now.


"There are victories, there are losses, there are the inbetweens"

But also, yeah, it's still very overwhelming. It's still eating me alive.  I'm trying to tackle everything at once and it's not easy.

I am excited about the opportunities that are coming my way, don't get me wrong, and my life could be wayyyyy worse than it is right now, but, god damn it, I really do feel low, I really do feel swamped, I really do feel 'not myself'.

I guess, just thank god for this blog for letting me type out my erratic emotions, and thank god for my Mum for letting me sob down the phone, whilst she was at the garden center (sorry Mum lol).

Let me know, do any of you ever feel like this? Do any of you bottle it all up until it you start to crack? Do you need a few days of TLC too? Please tell me I'm not the only one who's descending into 'workaholic madness'...

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10 comments:

  1. I hope you are able to find a balance with work and your own downtime because you don't want to burn out! P.S. I love how you paired the red booties with this outfit - gorgeous. <3

    Natalie | http://nataliesalchemy.wordpress.com

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  2. You're definitely not the only one who suffers from this! I've been starting to feel this way lately too and I really struggled last summer. And I feel like complaining that I'm busy with so many incredible things makes me sound ungrateful so I definitely bottle it all up!

    I don't really have any advice as I'm still trying to work it all out myself but it is comforting to know that I'm not the only one who struggles in this way.

    I hope you feel better soon and that you manage to schedule in a few 'down' days too.

    Shannon | Sweet Serendipity

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  3. You are definitely not the only one who ever feels like this! I feel like I'm the only one of my friends who can do it all and have so much going on and not get overwhelmed and I try that and completely descend into a panic. I need time to myself and time to just wallow in bed if I'm feeling overwhelmed (even if I'm trying to "adult" too), but I've found that taking a mental health day and trying to embrace who I am (an anxious and sometimes depressed introvert) really helps me.

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  4. Oh, dear, this is who we are. When we have a few days of free time we are looking desperately for something to do to make our bodies and minds busy, we cannot rest. But when we fill the schedule all what we need is free time and fresh air. This is who I am, and this is a state of mind where we all tend to be. Nowadays I'm always crying for some career opportunity, I want to start my blog but I feel trapped in doing nothing. So right now, you see I would really like to switch body with you while you could sit here in my place in my boyfriends grandmas kichen dinking fresh coffe with whipped cream.

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  5. Ah, I relate to this so much. Depression can be hard on many levels - it can be difficult when we are busy, when we have nothing to do, and even when we find the perfect balance. It doesn't help that we live in a culture that definitely glamourises this 'busy- i virtually live off coffee and nothing else' lifestyle. I hope you are able to find a balance that works for you. Putting yourself first is always the most important.

    whatevawears.co.uk

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  6. I love the way you're posing in these shots! The outfit is stunning, girl I need me some boots like those!! The composition of your photography is on freaking point, I love it!
    -- I'm so proud and excited for you with all the opportunities that have come and are coming your way, so well earned and deserved & I also completely understand where you're coming from in terms of actually needing that space, that time to un-wind, alone time to gather yourself etc, and the great thing about blogging and that, is that we do have control of our schedules, even if it means missing one thing, for the sake of our sanity and ability to relax and breathe, it might be worth that one day off! Much love honey.
    xxx

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  7. This is a fantastic post! Thanks for sharing.

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  8. Oh babe I relate to this on such a massive scale. I'm working 8 hours a day 5 days a week in my full time marketing job, coming home and working until 10/11 at night every night on my blog and youtube. My weekends are spent shooting and editing and I don't remember the last time I chilled out and didn't worry about creating something. I'm so drained working so hard to try and achieve my dreams because although I'm grateful for my job it's not what I want to be doing in the long term. I'm permanently broke and I honestly feel a total mess.

    So don't worry babe, I'm here if ever you need to rant to someone who understands <3 You're doing so well and I'm so so bloody proud of you <3333
    LJLV | Luxury Fashion with an Alternative Twist

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  9. This post resonated with me so much, Holly. Just finished with my Master's and I'm feeling absolutely lost. While a few freelance jobs have popped up here and there, I'm constantly feeling like I'm failing at adulting and panicking that I'm not doing enough. All I wish I could do was go on a break and not panic constantly but it's difficult because this is the first time in a long time that whatever's next is almost completely up to me and I'm so scared.

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  10. I swear Holly everytime I feel something, I come to your blog, look through your posts, and voila, there you have a post that literally describes everything I'm feeling. I enjoy being busy, but it gets overwhelming when you don't get that little bit of time to yourself to just chill out and recuperate. It's hard, and I often dislike adulting, but you're right, it's something we need in order to get where we want to be.

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