Binge Eating Just To Feel Something

29.9.17


*this post was written a couple of weeks ago and I didn't know whether to share it, but here we go..*

I woke up this morning and I felt nothing.

I felt empty.

No emotion was coming out.

It was one of those moments where I felt this 'omg, I'm so dead inside' feeling, and I pressured this fake laugh and exhausted conversation out from the bottom of my chest.


I've been feeling like this for a couple of weeks now.

I've been ignoring it and ignoring it, suppressing it a lot with tipsy nights out or over-working everyday, but today, well, this weekend, it finally hit me pretty hard.

"I'm broken over things that have seemed more important than my own beating heart."

I am just sad right now, I guess.

I could go into some long ramble as to why, but there's no use, I don't even know if I can explain it,

I. am. just. sad.

And the problem with that is, I sometimes don't know what to do when I get like this.

I mean, more often than not, I'll just get up, motivate myself, and try and keep myself busy. I'll give myself a to do list or tell myself to go for a walk or something, but it gets to a point where even that leaves you feeling empty. Not even a literal 'walk through a park' can make feeling actual emotions any easier.



So, that's when I take to food.

Food will always make me feel something. Whether it's happiness, fullness, anger, guilt - it always does something to me.

And, before this year, I hadn't struggled with binge eating for a long time, so for it to be rearing it's head again had got to be one of the most difficult things to deal with.

Because, like I said, binging was a thing of the past. I lived off a very control, very healthy diet; I very rarely even touched junk food and didn't go out drinking pretty much, ever.


Then this year, my life started to change; I started to let go, I started to lose that hold, that control, that I had in my life for so long.

The thing was, I began to be away from home with work a lot. I'd be eating on the go, overwhelmed by the choices of food staring back at me on a 'meal deal' shelf. I had turned 18, meaning it was finally time for me to dance my life away in the Northern Quarter and get ridiculously drunk before it had even hit 10pm. And, I met new people, my routines started to change, and suddenly my life couldn't be controlled by the same old foods and the same old timings anymore.


I very clearly remember the first really bad binge that happened - I actually wrote about it the whole 'binge eating' thing, after it happened, here: 'Food: My Enemy and My Best Friend' - it was awful because I hadn't zoned out like that for a long time.

I zone out when I binge, you see. It's like I'm numb to everything and the only thing that will give me some kind of happiness is stuffing my face with an entire pack of hobnobs, a Chinese take away, a pizza, a pint of ice cream and beans on toast (all probably within the space of 10 minutes may I add).

I'm so happy in those moments where I'm allowing myself to just EAT and EAT EVERYTHING. The rest of my time is spent being so restrictive and eating bowls of salad so that I can still fit into my size 6 Boohoo jeans, that for the time before the guilt kicks in, I actually feel uplifted. It's like some sort of diet revolution.

But, like I said, then the guilt kicks in.

Then comes the bloating, the body dysmorphia, the crying and all the regret that my body can allow me to feel.



And so, on days like today where I feel absolutely nothing, where I feel completely emotionless, why not force some emotion, hey? Why not put myself through a week of hell and guilt just to feel something for a 30 minute binge period? Why not inflict some hurt on myself?

I wish that every time I was about to binge, my mind would come back to this moment.

Sure, that 30 minutes of 'Oh my god, chocolate is so amazing, I'm going to eat this entire cake and not give a shit' and 'Wow, I'm still not full! I'll never be full! I'm so hungry!', might feel alright in the moment, but the minute that reality sets in, and you realise what you've done, it's just really not worth it.

It feels fucking terrible.

I feel fucking terrible.

6 comments

  1. Wow this post really hit home hard... you're so talented to be able to write about deep topics like this in such a relatable way! (that was me trying to say something positive about a post that's so not-positive - hah)
    That line about the huge 'choice of food staring back at you on the meal deal shelf' is definitely something i also feel. When i moved out and came to uni i thought it was great; i finally had total control over everything i ate. But then quickly the tables turned and somehow the food is the one that has control over you... sometimes i go out to cafés, bakeries, small supermarkets etc. and it's like i can literally hear the food shouting out to me in my head, calling for me to binge.
    I sadly don't feel like i can say much to help, as i'm also still deep in the process of struggling with this, but sometimes it's nice to know that there are others going through the same thing, and i hope that one day we will both (and everyone else who's experiencing an ED) be free from the clutches of this awful disorder, and be able to have a normal relationship with food again, which seems so foreign and distant right now...
    Lots of love <3<3 xxxxx

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    1. Thank you so much Eleanor! It's torture, isn't it?

      I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling - I'm here if you ever need someone. ♥ It's definitely nice to know you're not alone! xxxx

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  2. This post is so beautiful Holly! I am so glad you put it up because I can really relate to this. Lately I've been very stressed and I always turn to food when I'm like that. Being stressed also makes me feel sad and empty like you described. So I eat way more than I actually need to eat, just because I want to suppress that stressed and anxious feeling. I wish I had any tips to help you babe. Please know that I am always here to talk if you ever need someone! :) Sending you lots of love, xx Laura

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    Replies
    1. Laura, I know exactly how you feel and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with it. Food is such a difficult thing to handle sometimes. There's nothing wrong with enjoying food and treating yourself, but when we start using it to suppress those shitty feelings is when it all spirals out of control!

      I'm always here for you too and I'm sending you so much love <3 xxx

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