I'm Going To Try And Love Myself

28.12.17



As I slipped on my new pair of ASOS jeans and glanced in the mirror, I had this feeling that I hadn't felt in a very long time: I felt confident. 

I didn't hate what I saw. I thought 'hey, I look kind of good'. And, well, that led me to standing in my room, topless, and praying no double decker buses drove past my window as I shot these images.



"A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession bout female obedience." - Naomi Wolf

You see, I love those moments where I like myself.

They're these little epiphanies where, just for a moment, I think to myself 'Oh Hol, you're not all that bad are you?'.

But the problem for me is, I only ever feel this way 1% of the time.

That other 99% of my time is spent hating every inch of myself, tearing myself apart and analyzing everything to no end.




I've put on weight this year, there's no doubt about it, and it's something I find terribly difficult to process.

I love and thrive off buying that 'size 6' or 'XS' in a shop, I loved being a 'health freak', saying no to every 'treat' that was ever offered to me and, well, I'm just completely off that spectrum right now...

I spend my weekends eating pizza and chocolate, drinking with friends, having not a care in the world, and then I'm spending my week days crying because I can no longer breathe in my size 6 mini skirt, and ordering new clothes, in sizes that are making my head scream 'you're disgusting!' 'you need to be skinny again'.

My head is just all over the place.




"My mission, should I chose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that  can't be loved as I am." - Anais Nin

However, my mission right now, is not to be a size 6. A clothing size will not bring me happiness. But, having more of those 'I like myself' moments will.

All I want from this year, 2018, is more 'self love'. I finally want to tackle all of these issues, all of these feelings, I have about myself.

I won't be giving up until I can look in the mirror on an average day and think 'YAS GIRL' or not feel the need to grab at my thighs and fantasize about cutting my fat off with scissors.

Maybe I will be a size 8, maybe my bum and boobs will be bigger, and maybe I will eat junk food, but at least I will have freed myself from a toxic state of mind and finally be enjoying my life and liking myself, even just the tiniest bit.

Each day will bring growth - that's all I can ask for.

14 comments

  1. I love this post, your message is so important
    Maddy, x

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  2. Just so much love for this. I am going through the same thing with self love and body confidence and this just resonates with me. You are a beautiful person inside and out ❤❤❤

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    1. I'm so glad that you could relate to this - it's nice to feel less alone!

      Thank you ♥

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  3. I really love this post!!
    As someone who's been struggling with an eating disorder this past couple of years I totally agree that there's no better time for change than now. Since coming home for Christmas from uni I've come to the conclusion that all the mental suffering it takes to be the smallest size on the clothes rail isn't worth it and it's really not a healthy size to be at all.
    I've been coming back and rereading this post a lot in the past week and I'm feeling super motivated to try and overcome this in 2018! So hopefully this time next year we can look back on this from much (or even slightly) happier places!! ☺️ xxx

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    1. It's so true - sizing shouldn't be what we're focusing on, we should be striving to be happy and healthy!

      I'm so glad that you've found this post helpful - that means a lot to me xxx

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  4. I hope you're 2018 is filled with self love and happiness Holly. These shots are beautiful. <3

    Samio xxx

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  5. I think you found perfect words for such a situation.
    I had similar problems and thought the same, but with time I felt more and more confident in my body. Now I like myself 99% of the time and I hope you find self-love too. It´s really not an easy way but keep staying <3

    Send you much love
    Antonia

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    Replies
    1. That's amazing - I'm so glad to hear that :-)

      Thanks so much! xxx

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  6. I loved every word of this post, with the exception of two words: "to try". I AM GOING TO LOVE MYSELF! I know it's not that simple, but you CAN. As you proved in this post, you CAN love yourself and find things to respect in YOU. Every morning you can look in the mirror and it could be anything. It could be: "i love this red beret" (i loved your red beret!), "i love that i made someone smile yesterday", "i love that i can be a kind person", "i love that, in that post in December 2017, i could post those photos and truly love myself, in spite of insecurities".

    Sorry if this comment is quite rambling! But your words and photos truly made my day, you are a beautiful human inside and out and i truly mean that xxx

    Bumble and Be

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    1. This is so true! It's definitely a learning process, and it's slowly coming with time - I'm learning to look after myself more.

      Thank you so much - not rambling at all! <3 xxx

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  7. HOLLY! You're so beautiful gurl! You would look beautiful even wearing a bin bag! I'm so glad you're choosing to focus on your mental health and looking after yourself, you deserve to feel loved by yourself!.. Love from your photographer friend ;):) X

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    Replies
    1. Oh girl, thank you so much! So kind of you <3 xxx

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