When Christmas Is Here But Your Head Totally Isn't


Now, if you're looking for a festive post, filled with Christmas joy and cheer, this most likely isn't going to be it.

You see, recently, well over the past few months actually, I have felt well and truly 'lost' - like I have lost all sense of identity.

I think I'm maybe the most 'lost' that I've been in a few years.

I have gone from feeling everything, to feeling nothing, and I have gone from feeling so high, to so incredibly low. And, yet, within all of that, I have not felt like 'Me' in anyway, shape, or form. 

Without feeling like 'Me', I just feel like I'm floating within this Christmas abyss, whilst festivities swirl in a whirlwind around me. It's literally like I'm here, but I'm not. (does that even make any sense?!)

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love Christmas, Christmas is my favourite time of year!

I love the twinkly lights and hearing Wham! blare on the radio, and I love tacky Christmas jumpers and tasting mince pies, but it's just not that easy when you're head isn't in the right place or you've got things to be dealing with.

My head doesn't feel like it's any place at all - it's everywhere.

I'm all over the place.

You may already know from my previous posts, that I have struggled quite a lot with binge eating habits this year, and a lot of other ugly eating disorder traits have decided to rear their nasty heads too.

And, I know, I know, my relationship with food has never been easy - not for a long time anyway. I always know it's going to be difficult for me.

But you see, the thing that I'm struggling with right now, having had issues over these past few months, is that it's Christmas. Christmas is a holiday known for eating food and being 'merry', and that's really bloody hard when you're head is either screaming at you telling you not to eat a thing or, the complete opposite, telling you to eat everything in sight.

Christmas isn't always a 'fun' time of year for some people. People who suffer with their mental health, or are grieving or struggle with money, or whatever it may be, are constantly surrounded by singing Santa's and the ideal that we're all meant to be filled with 'Christmas cheer', and that's incredibly draining.

Not everyone can wake up on Christmas morning and feel the excitement and look forward to things.

Some people will cry over food, be scared to eat in front of their families. Some people will struggle with socializing with family, or, on the other end of the spectrum, will spend their days completely alone.

And, within all the hustle and bustle of present shopping and decorating trees, people don't always realise that.

Christmas doesn't mean that our negative emotions stop.

However, I've decided to try and move on from the past few months, put the bad binge days behind me as much as I can, and enjoy Christmas like I deserve to.

At the end of the day, I know that I'm not okay at the moment. I am depressed and I am incredibly low, but there's no way I'm going to magically fix all of my problems before Christmas Day or wake up to some magical Christmas miracle like the world wants us all too.

It's just a case of looking after myself.

I'm going to eat and laugh and be 'merry'. I'm going to give presents, watch people's faces as they open them, and I'm going to be okay.

And then, when 2018 hits, I'm going to be a massive cliche and do a whole 'New Year, New Me' routine, and figure my shit out.

That's the best way I can think of this.

"The only way out is through"

So, if you're out there, reading this, and panicking over that Christmas food, or the social situations, or worrying over whatever it may be that's hurting you - that's totally okay. It's okay to feel crap at Christmas, most of us do. But I guess, if we can, we can try and enjoy whatever we can manage.

Remember, we're only human and we have a whole new year full of 365 new days to fill next year, and they can be filled with whatever we want them to be.

Spend the last days of this year saying 'fuck it!' and letting yourself a little more 'free' from your thoughts if you can - you deserve to enjoy Christmas, and I'm going to try my best to do just that.


  1. Sorry to hear you’re feeling so low Holly. Your post shows that mental health issues are not easily cured and not always easy to spot - even by fellow sufferers. In so many of your posts you have seemed really happy - a successful modelling career (with so many gorgeous photos on your blog), a boyfriend, a good social life with lots of friends. I really thought you had escaped your mental health issues, so a post like this saddens me as evidently you’re still suffering. I totally relate to your post, I find Christmas incredibly difficult. I’m a recovering anorexic, so the pressure of having eat (a lot) with everyone watching me is immense. I also have anxiety issues so generally get myself much more worked-up and stressed than I should (I think you will understand even if no one else does).
    Hope you get through Christmas ok (it’ll soon be over). Take care, love Pixie xxx

    1. The internet can be so deceiving sometimes - not everything is real! I hope you had a good Christmas and New Year despite everything going on with you <3 and thank you so much! xxx


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