Baby, It's Time To Grow Up

19.2.18


I'm 20 this year. I'm going to be 20.

As I think about that, pondering over where the hell my teen years went (seriously, I wasted those on some stupid things), I can't help but feel a little lost. I feel like I don't know who I am or who I'm meant to be.

Sure, I know my name: Holly Rebecca White, I know my hair is ginger, and red lipstick will always be my thing but, for some reason, looking at myself as a person, I can't figure out who I'm meant to be, or who I will be, as a 20 year old girl.


See how I used the word 'girl' there. Not 'woman' - I don't feel like I've hit womanhood yet.

I'm still an insecure teenager. I'm still young and learning. I'm still trying to find my feet - I have no idea what I'm doing.

Well, okay, maybe that's a little lie.

Of course I know that I'm a model and a blogger. My job is basically to be 'Me' all the time; to write about me, what I like, to shoot images of me and go to castings and be myself. But, who actually am I? Who will I be when I'm 20?

Am I still cute and giggly? Will people still want a 'fun' 'fresh' persona or are they going to start looking at me differently? Do I need to be sexier? Do I need to throw away every aspect of that 'teenager' that's still floating around within me? Do I need to change who I am?

These are the things that are making me lose myself.


I guess I do need to grow up a bit. I've always been stuck in the past due to the things I've been through - it was like time stopped for me but life kept going around me. I think I feel like it's 2016 and I'm still trying to live out my young 'care free' teens that I didn't necessarily feel like I had.

I guess I'd maybe like to be the kind of person that 'younger' 'teenage' Me needed. The kind of person I would have liked to look up to.

I'd like to be 'care free', like I wish I'd been during High School, but with a little bit of something more 'adult' and 'hot' thrown in there too.

I think I'm just seeking confidence.

But, I really don't know.

I have no idea.

I'm trying to figure out a balance between it all.

I want to grow up. I want to find my confidence - to be 'flirtatious' and 'fun'. I want to become a new 'got her shit together' version of me, but I don't want to lose who I am already in the process of that.



At the end of the day, I like 'Me'.

I'm friendly and kind and, surprisingly, I'm sometimes even funny.

I like the fact that I can make friends easily and people find me approachable. I like the fact that I'm open about things and willing to chat about anything and everything.

I don't want to become some mysterious 'sexy' persona who keeps themselves to themselves and is completely unapproachable. I don't want to be the complete opposite of who I am now.

I need to figure out how to be a bit of both - because that will be 'Me'; that will be 20 year old 'Me'.

"Be the person you needed when you were younger"

I think it's perfectly fine to still want to have a little bit of 'immaturity' left in me, as long as there's a little added 'sexiness' and '"hey, I earn my own money"' thrown in there too.

But, as I said, I just don't know. I'm in some kind of 'who am I?' 'what the fuck am I doing?' limbo.

I guess all I can do is grow up... but just not too much just yet - I can be who I am now, but do that whilst trying to find that confidence and self-esteem I think 20 year old 'Me' deserves.

It doesn't have to happen over-night, right?

8 comments

  1. Love this post! It definitely articulates things I was thinking as I turned 20. I was scared, I thought that i was supposed to have my shit together a bit more and to have more of a sense of direction but then I realised all of us are just figuring it out as we go along and trying our best.


    Abigail Alice x

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one - we are definitely always just figuring things out I guess. I just need to go with where life takes me! xx

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  2. I love how honest and real you are. I'm 20 and honestly I can relate to everything you said. I just think that you can never completely figure out who you are and who you want to be as you're changing every minute with every situation and every person you meet. I'm definitely not the same girl I was when I was 15 year old and I hope that I won't be the same s I am today because I want to grow and try to reach the best version of myself. I really hope that you'll find that journey less confusing and have fun along the way. x

    Lots of love,
    Antonia || Sweet Passions

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    1. Thank you - I agree to be honest. I'm always changing and growing (especially in this past year), I hope i'll eventually reach the 'best version of myself' too :-) xx

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  3. I'm a year behind you and turning 19 this year and that even scares me. I looked at my 18th year as 'my year', I was set to mature, enter adulthood and build my own life in a new place, new people, new everything. Unfortunately, my 18th year didn't quite go to plan and it was the year I felt so immature, co-dependent on so many and felt everything in my life fall apart. People go through all kinds of things and what happened to me was my health and completely out of my control but it definitely has taught me a lot. I think you should be whoever you want to be at 20, don't try to be more this or more that, just be what feels right. Anticipating what should be only brings you down if life doesn't pan out that way, simply embrace every day being the quirky individual you are because life is too short and unpredictable to worry about being some you're not!
    (you look amazing btw!)

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

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    1. I looked at my 18th like that too. My 18th year was totally messy though, so I completely relate. I think you're so right that things are out of our control and I need to just be whoever I am in that moment and at that time.

      Thank you so much Lucy xxx

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  4. Holly!
    Firstly, these shots are absolutely stunning and they compliment your copy so perfectly, they're raw, natural and a little bit vulnerable, I love it so much!
    Secondly, I CAN'T FREAKING BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE ONLY 19 (nearly 20!!) that absolutely blew my mind!
    Thirdly, you've got this girlie! Your perfect the way you are, don't change because you've hit a certain age milestone, just do you! Non of us ever really have our shit together, it just gets a little easier to deal with the shit as you get older. I'm 25 (nearly 26 eurgh) and I'm certainly not sexy! Tried it once, I wasn't very good at it ha!

    You're beautiful, open, kind and funny and perfect just the way you are!

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    1. Thank you so much Megan - I really appreciate that.
      And hahaha, yes, I'm 19!

      I always try to remember that I need to just be whoever I am, and not change for people, but I think it's just that weird feeling of 'I honestly don't know who I am' and the worry I won't be liked if I can't even figure that out.

      It's true that no one has their shit together - you definitely realise that as you start to get older and talk to people (I even talk to my Mum sometimes and she feels like I do)!

      I'm not very good at the 'sexy' thing either haha - glad I'm not alone!

      Thank you so so so much xxx

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