"So, I Feel A Little Broken"

30.5.18

*Here's a little post I wrote, a week or so ago, when my mind was a little fuzzy and my soul was a little sore... it's still relevant now but, I guess I'm at a point where I'm trying to move on from this feeling. Anyway, here you go:*


So, I feel a little broken. I think we've established that.

My heart is hurt, my life has changed, and I'm just not dealing with it all that well.... or at all really.

Yeah, I'm really not dealing with it. 



I've tried to keep myself busy, you see. To keep my mind occupied.

I've been working, seeing friends, doing the most mundane things, simply just because I'm too afraid to stop. I'm afraid to stop and feel anything. I'm afraid to realise that I don't feel that okay right now.

"Talking to someone every single day for hours can be pretty destructive, because there will come a day where you don't speak at all, and it's going to be the loneliest feeling in the world."

Every time I'm alone, it hits me. This overwhelming emptiness hits me, and I go kind of numb.

The world becomes heavy, everything becomes exhausting, and it's it's like every nerve in my body stops working.

It's all just not working.

I have to keep my mind distracted in order to function, in order to live. Otherwise, nothing happens. Nothing gets done. Nothing makes me feel anything anymore unless my mind is occupied by something or someone else.



And, since I don't necessarily 'feel' in some moments, everything is no longer a 'feeling' to me, but is actually what I think I am and what I believe that I am, and it's honestly torture.

"This morning I was so happy. I don't know what went wrong."

I believe that I am completely worthless right now. 

I believe that I am unlovable and ugly. 

I believe that none of this will ever end. 

My mind is convinced of many things. And, maybe they're wrong, maybe they're right... but it's starting to get a bit confusing for my little brain to handle.

I'm starting to have to force emotions sometimes. I'm starting to have to lie about my feelings. I'm starting to feel like there's a million different faces - a million different Hollys - that just work in rotation all the time.

I'm exhausted.



I don't know why I've taken to here to talk about all of this... ideally I should probably consult a therapist of sorts, but for me, this blog is my venting place, so here I shall vent.

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt"

Everything is just hard right now.

I feel broken.

I feel like there are tiny pieces of Holly flying everywhere and I can't seem to catch them and put them back together.

I'm all over the place.

I'm just wondering when I'll feel 'fixed' again.

When will I be able to make myself whole again?

2 comments

  1. I hope you don't feel this way now, Holly, though I do like really relate right now! I feel kind of stuck in some place that is hard to get out of. I know that time is a great healer x

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  2. I read this and I couldn't feel more related to what you shared. Some days I wake up feeling stuck and just overall ugly and sad and seeing you share this, knowing there are others too who go through what I go through makes me realise I am not alone and you shouldn't feel alone too. This a beautiful piece Holly x.

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