"So Be It. I'm A Wholeness I'll Never Know."

18.8.18


I'm always so set on trying to figure myself out.

I'm always pondering over 'who am I?', 'what's my purpose?', 'how should I be?', when in reality, I guess these questions are answer-less.

"So be it. I am a wholeness I'll never know. Maybe that's the best." - Hayden Carruth 

You see, I'm a gal who likes her questions answered. I like to feel in-the-know and in control. I like to make goals, and I like to reach them, but with life, there always comes a little bit of mystery, you know? so it makes it difficult for me, Little Miss 'I must succeed', to go about my days and not wonder whether everything is heading in the right direction.




I've felt lost at multiple times in my life, and in addition to that, I feel like I've experienced quite a few different 'periods of life' in my short 20 years on this earth.

And, in every different 'period' of my life that that 'lost' feeling creeps in, I revert back to the same old panic of 'I'm a failure!', 'everything is going wrong!' and it can feel a little bit debilitating.

It's ironic too because I'm also a huge believer in 'everything will work itself out', but when things start to go a little wrong or get a little confusing in my own life, that mentality goes completely out the window.





Let's throw it back to 2014 for example, when I decided to drop out of college.

I remember feeling like the biggest failure in the world - despite having a very valid reason to just up and leave the whole thing.

For months on end I had no idea where my life was going - I had no purpose anymore. I felt nothing most days, and there didn't really appear to be any kind of 'future' for me in my mind.

Then one day, I began writing. I began taking photos. I began putting some energy out there into the world. It took one small moment for things to just change a little, and, well, now it's 4 years later and here we are.

Here I am with a purpose, with (hopefully) some kind of future and feeling every emotion I possibly can (sometimes too many at once, but that's better than nothing haha).






I guess what I'm getting at is, despite how cheesy it sounds, everything will work itself out. We can't predict what's going to happen to us, or what kind of person we are. Everything is instant - things can change within the flicker of a moment.

I think sometimes we just have to ride things out, let things happen, see where the world wants to take us, rather than spending each day stressing over whether you're going to be moved out by 22 or whether your whole career is a big ol' flop.... let's just give things a chance.

So, I, myself, am going to try and start worrying less over what's going to happen to me. I'm going to stop trying to define myself, or worrying about how other people define me. I'm going to try and just go with it - live my life with unanswered questions.

I think that's probably the 'easiest' way to be, and things have managed to work themselves out so far, so why not just go with it and trust it...

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