Roots

8.10.18


"We're quick to condemn anger, but much more reluctant to examine it's roots."

So, where did your problems begin? What made you feel this way? Who helped build the wall you've cemented so strongly around yourself?

These are sometimes the things we forget to consider.

We focus too much on the 'now', the 'quick fixes' and the 'moving forward', and sometimes forget to look into where our issues came from in the first place, and dissect that in order for the moving forward to actually work.



Trust me, I've been there. I'm in it right now.

I'm in that place where all I want to do is progress (for real this time), and leave all these crappy things behind, yet because I'm too scared to open up, face whats going on and deal with it sensibly,  I just keep ending up back in the same place again.

It's a vicious cycle.

"Your emotional history affects your daily behaviour; letting go of these patterns allows you to think and act in new ways."

We've all got our vicious cycles.

Whether running back to your ex, giving up on the gym or even just staying up until 4am in the morning, watching shitty TV on Netflix and ruining your sleeping pattern, we all have our shit to deal with.


But the hardest thing we all have to deal with *REALLY* within all of it is, change. Choosing to change it.

And, that's hard when you're stuck in your ways, comfortable in your habits and terrified of the 'new'... which, let's be honest, most of us are.

That's where the dissecting begins though, I've come to realise.

It begins with you looking into WHAT, WHO OR WHERE needs to change.


For me, it's my relationship with food, myself and my home.

My relationship with food is warped, my relationship with myself is infected by hate, and my relationship with my home (not my family, may I add) is tainted and filled with reminders of bad times.

So, I need to face that. 

I need to ask myself:

What is about food that has warped my relationship with it? Is it food itself? Is it the way it makes me feel? Is it something someone once said to me?

What made me hate myself? Was it a childhood bully calling me 'fat'? Was it an ex boyfriend shoving his hand between my legs and telling me I'm still sexy as long as I keep my thigh gap? Was it an old agency telling me to lose an inch and a half off of my already 24" waist?

What made my home feel like a dangerous place for my mental health? Was it the hours spent stuffing my face stood in-front of my fridge? Was it the amount of weeks I spent unable to leave there due to overwhelming anxiety? Was it staring into my kitchen draw and imagining which knife would cut the deepest?

Why did I let this become the norm?

Why did I let these feelings become who I am, rather than what I've been through?

Why is this all so hard to let go of, especially when I desperately want it to change?




It's at the roots.

And, I never focus on the roots.

I look past them, pretend I'm over it and try and exist as someone who I wish I could be.

Except, the reality is, I am not that person.

I am not the person who's over it. I'm the person who wishes they were.

"When worthlessness sits under your skin from the words that seeped in like poison rain, remember it will spread into the marrow of your bones if you let it."

It's hard to get rid of something which has been dug so deep into your mentality, into your character, without actually facing it.

The truth is... I guess I've never properly faced it (as much as I thought I did anyway).

I've managed it, I've found ways of masking it, HELL I've written enough about it, but I've not looked everything in the eye and made an actual change... WHICH is why it's come back to bite me on the arse.

It's spun it's way back round in a vicious circle.



So, this blog post is a first step, I guess.

It's a reminder to myself that I need to actually break down the cemented wall that I've built around all my issues and do all the things I actually need to do to fix them.

I need to examine it all. Talk about it all. Finally get to the roots of it all.

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