"Release Yourself From The Expectation Of Greatness"

22.11.18


I don't know about you guys, but this year has been pretty damn draining, to say the least.

This year has had major lows and exciting highs, but all in all there's been this constant feeling in the back of my mind that everything that I have done, everything that I've seen, everything that I've felt, just has not been good enough.

And, well, I guess it kind of has to do with how amazing I felt last year was. 

Last year, I felt like I accomplished a lot, whereas this year has felt like I've been trying to drag myself out of a dark place for the majority of it.

From the start of this year, I have had this worthlessness set under my skin and it has not been easy to get rid of. 

I remember thinking to myself, "by the end of the year, I'll be okay again, I won't feel like this anymore", but as more time passed, it all just seemed to sink in deeper and deeper and feel harder to escape from.


Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this year has been a total shit show, I've had some lovely little moments. I've done some really cool jobs with amazing brands, met some great people and also managed to fall head over heels in love with an amazing guy... but, no matter how amazing all of that feels, I still don't feel like I've accomplished enough. I feel like I've lost myself, lost my way, and trying to scrape all of that back has been really difficult.

And, the irony is, 'the show must go on', no matter how crap I feel about myself or how much I just want to sink into my bed and not surface for 3 months, I feel like I can't do that. There's money to be made, there's appearances to keep, there's shit to get done, and that's probably one of the most daunting things to consider.

If I stop now, if I take a break, will things just stop altogether? will my career crumble? will people forget I exist? 

I hate thinking about all my hard work - the work I've pushed through to produce during the crappiest times - just completely going to waste. 


I feel like there's a standard I need to keep up with, you know? Yet I'm too drained and too confused to do it.

I see all these models/bloggers I know doing incredible workouts, going for morning runs and booking amazing jobs, whilst I, at the sidelines, have been struggling with Binge Eating Disorder, fighting to drag myself out of bed and taking all of my emotions, all of my feelings of worthlessness, out on myself. And, simply put, it's hard.

Sure, there's nothing stopping me going for a run or anything like that... but it's psychological, my brain screams 'you're not good enough' and that just leads to me punishing myself for that feeling. 

The comparison is getting to me. The idea of being 'the best', of being 'great', is tiring the life out of me and I'm not sure how much longer I can attempt to keep up, without dealing with all the stuff going on in my head first.

That's why I keep thinking of this idea of a break - despite how much my brain is telling me I can't stop now - I'd love a month or two to just really focus on ME, and nothing else. 

I think that'd do me a lot of good.


But, first, I guess I need to knock this feeling that I'm going to become a failure if I take time to do so. I need to realise that trying to push and be 'the best' or be the 'greatest' when I'm in such a rubbish place to begin with, is only going to lead me to come crashing back down again from stress and getting overwhelmed... I mean, I've been there and done it before, haven't we all?

And, I know, (and think we all know), that taking a step back always works. Working on yourself, working on ideas and coming back with a fresh mind is a much better approach.

As much as I have these worries that if I have a break, even a short one, everyone will forget I exist, or no one will want to work with me anymore, maybe it's better to come back at a 'refreshed' 'new' version of myself, that's actually managed to deal with all her shit?


So, this is me, getting all those thoughts I've had about being overwhelmed, the fear of being forgotten or being a failure, and the want of taking a break, into some writing and trying to see it all a bit clearer. This is me, trying to knock that feeling and realise I don't have to be doing 'amazing' constantly, it's okay to take some time and sort things out. 

The same applies to all of you too - don't let that competitive feeling get to you. Work on yourself and work at your own pace. 

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