I feel weird at moment. I feel a little bit lost and detached from the world. I feel like everything is happening around me and I can't keep up.

There's been a lot of change in my life recently, so much so that the OCD that once controlled every aspect of my life, has now basically vanished. And, although I know that that is a bloody wonderful thing, it has also left me completely spiraling out of control.


If you know a lot about me, you know that I used to deal with terrible binge eating and Bulimia. For more information on that, you can give this post 'Food: My Enemy and My Best Friend' a read. But anyway, yeah, I was an avid 'I must eat everything' kind of person. I just had zero control of what I ate; I would eat everything and I couldn't stop. So, I began to control it all. I would follow the same routine every day, eating the same things, because I knew, on that diet, I would stay slim, small and exactly how I wanted to be.

Now, since that control is no longer in my life, I've had all of my old feelings towards food come flooding back in. In the past few weeks I've binged more times than I have in years, been tempted by things I'd never usually be tempted by, and I'm really struggling to stop. I'm gaining weight and I'm hating myself more than I've done in a long time. And, over the past few days, it really has hit me.


Without the control in my life, who am I? That control in my life was what made me 'Me' for sooo long, so what am I without it? Am I actually this person that cannot control themselves, resist temptation, or live normally like everyone else? Am I someone who's just going to spend their life floating around, feeling like a lost soul? Am I going to revert back to my 'old' self now? I have no idea at the moment. I don't know what my life is meant to be like without the control and the specific timings, or the isolating routines - I just have no idea.

The weird thing is, although this aspect of my life is literally crippling every part of me, there are other aspects of my life that are so great right now. My jobs are going well, I'm in a relationship, my social life no longer fills me with anxiety - other things are going well. It's just that food and my body have this power over me. Anything I feel about those two things, completely over powers anything else.

For example, I'm usually someone who walks round a city, looking up, smiling at people, bopping along to a bit of Beyonce blaring through my headphones, but yesterday I literally felt like I was in a daze. I was walking through Manchester city center, every noise around me was at 100 decibels and I just wanted to stare into space. Everything around me just felt like it wasn't happening, or I wasn't there... and I haven't felt that in a long long time.

"I will feed myself self love."

I am trying to attach myself to life again. I'm trying to find balance. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling at the moment, because I really am. I need to find a new kind of 'routine'. I need to find that equality between, work and social life, and having fun and taking things too far.

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