"Mistakes are proof that you are trying"

Ever done something in the heat of the moment, in a state of panic, or without any rational thought process? Then instantly, a millisecond later, your heart is sinking down in your chest, your body fills with embarrassment, and you're left there thinking 'Why the hell did I just do that?'. 

Well, unfortunately for me guys (and anyone who associates themselves with me) my life is just one big circle of those moments.

I'm not ordinarily the kind of girl who lives impulsively: I am very organised, punctual and like to have some sort of plan or to-do list going on in my brain at all times. 

I like to know what I'm doing, when I'm doing it and why I'm doing it. I like to feel in control, to have thought things through, and to be really sure, really certain, of what's going on. 

I am very much a planner; I think of everything that can happen in every situation; I'll sit and ponder over the best possible outcome. I can't live life on the edge - fleetingly, spontaneously - it's just not who I am (or who you'd want me to be, to be honest).

I am organised, punctual and totally in control; I am on top of things; I do not want to make mistakes. However, it's the moment that you put me in a stressful situation, get me overthinking/worrying about something, that all of that seems to fly out the bloody window. 


As soon as my anxiety kicks in, it's sayonara to 'calm and collected Hol' and it's hello to a 'breathless, worrying, panicky' version of myself.

I go from being the queen of to-do lists and punctuality, to the most irrational, erratic person you could come across. 

I suddenly cannot think straight; I cannot gather my thoughts together and think things over like I usually would. I go into a state of 'overload' where I'm just thinking about everything, and everything all at once, (meaning that the things I would usually think over and decide 'nah, I won't do that, that's a stupid idea', I end up doing anyway) (kill me now)

I just become totally, stupidly, impulsive. 

And, do you know what? Some people love to be impulsive. Some people have that 'not giving a f*ck' kind of mentality or just think about constantly living life as if there's no consequences to their actions; some people love that feeling of adrenaline or can just easily sweep things under the carpet like they never happened.

However, with me, there's always some kind of consequence to my actions; there's always some kind of regret, upset or embarrassment.

There's always that moment when I come down from the rush of the panic, when I finally catch my breathe, that I am left thinking 'Oh hol, you idiot'.

There's never a moment where I've calmed down after a stressful situation, returned back to reality and thought 'yep, everything is still fine', because, NOPE, I always manage to cause some kind of mess.

I'm left saying 'I'm sorry' a million times over, or cringing, wanting the ground to just open up and swallow me whole.

I'm left stood in a public place, with mascara running down my chin, walking back through a crowd of strangers in shame, or I'm simply just left with someone who I've pissed off, upset or irritated because I've bawled crying or stressed out over absolutely nothing.


I'm just embarrassing, you see. 

I am an idiot.

I do really stupid things when I'm not thinking.

"I don't know what is worse, to overthink or to over-feel."

And, I wish I wasn't like that. I wish that even in my most 'panicky' moments, that I could be the calm, collected, organised person I usually am. I wish I could be the constant people pleaser or the girl who never does anything 'uncool' or 'annoying', but, alas, I am very 'uncool' and very 'annoying'.

I know that everyone is allowed their moments - everyone is allowed to make mistakes - but when you're left like I am, thinking of those embarrassing, impulsive moments, a good 6 months later, then it makes you want to avoid situations like that at all costs.

"Impulsiveness is the enemy of deep thinking"

I just want everything I say to be deliberate, I guess.

I don't want to upset or hurt people because of the things I do out of panic; I don't want to be left feeling embarrassed or stupid because I've gone and done something that I never normally would do; I don't want to be left feeling like an idiot like I do right now.

I just want to be in control of my actions - especially the stupid ones.

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