With Halloween coming up, the idea of different characters and different costumes has been playing on my mind.

What am I going as this year? Something scary? Something sexy? Something from a nostalgic film? 

These questions, and the idea of putting on a costume, pretending to be something else, has got me thinking. How come everyday can almost be like Halloween for me? How come sometimes even in my own clothes, my own outfits, I feel like I'm playing a character? 

Sometimes I wake up and I have to make that decision of, 'who am I going to be today?'

Sometimes I wake up, numb to reality, and I have to come up with some sort of fictional person, a 'persona' of sorts, that I just continue to replay and replay to people.

Who am I today? 

Am I happy? Am I sad? 

Do I like to dress in colour? Do I like to dress in monochrome? 

What food do I like? What food do I hate? Can I deal with food?

How do I wear my hair? Up or Down?

How much make up do I like? A little or a lot?

It's an endless sea of questions.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, and I often wonder, does anyone know who they are?

I don't think, (right now anyway), I can pin point a lot of things about myself - I'm in an emotional and mental limbo with it all.

Some days I wake up and I'm 'happy Hol' and other days I'm 'sad Hol'. Some days I wake up and I drench myself in brightly coloured clothes and other days I dress in black, head-to-toe. Some days my relationship with food is fine, other days it's not. Some days I'll curl my hair all pretty and stylish, other days it's stuck up in a bun and hasn't been washed for 3 days.

Each day is new, and some of those days are harder than others - especially when all these different 'characters' have to mix themselves into one. E.g. When 'sad Hol' has to walk round pretending she's 'happy Hol', that's where it starts to feel difficult and I can't differentiate between things anymore.

"Out of all the people I miss right now, I miss myself the most."

For the most part though, I don't mind pretending that I've got my shit together. I believe in 'faking it till you make it', and, well, if I have to fake it 99% of the time to make it, then so bloody be it.

I'm just hoping that soon, or at least one day, I wake up and it won't feel like everyday is Halloween - it won't feel like I'm playing a different character each day, and I'll just feel like 'Me'.

I suppose it's exciting to try and wake up everyday and try out a new way of being. Maybe it's all trial and error? 

If I don't like the costume I've picked this Halloween, there's always next year.