As I slipped on my new pair of ASOS jeans and glanced in the mirror, I had this feeling that I hadn't felt in a very long time: I felt confident. 

I didn't hate what I saw. I thought 'hey, I look kind of good'. And, well, that led me to standing in my room, topless, and praying no double decker buses drove past my window as I shot these images.



"A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession bout female obedience." - Naomi Wolf

You see, I love those moments where I like myself.

They're these little epiphanies where, just for a moment, I think to myself 'Oh Hol, you're not all that bad are you?'.

But the problem for me is, I only ever feel this way 1% of the time.

That other 99% of my time is spent hating every inch of myself, tearing myself apart and analyzing everything to no end.




I've put on weight this year, there's no doubt about it, and it's something I find terribly difficult to process.

I love and thrive off buying that 'size 6' or 'XS' in a shop, I loved being a 'health freak', saying no to every 'treat' that was ever offered to me and, well, I'm just completely off that spectrum right now...

I spend my weekends eating pizza and chocolate, drinking with friends, having not a care in the world, and then I'm spending my week days crying because I can no longer breathe in my size 6 mini skirt, and ordering new clothes, in sizes that are making my head scream 'you're disgusting!' 'you need to be skinny again'.

My head is just all over the place.




"My mission, should I chose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that  can't be loved as I am." - Anais Nin

However, my mission right now, is not to be a size 6. A clothing size will not bring me happiness. But, having more of those 'I like myself' moments will.

All I want from this year, 2018, is more 'self love'. I finally want to tackle all of these issues, all of these feelings, I have about myself.

I won't be giving up until I can look in the mirror on an average day and think 'YAS GIRL' or not feel the need to grab at my thighs and fantasize about cutting my fat off with scissors.

Maybe I will be a size 8, maybe my bum and boobs will be bigger, and maybe I will eat junk food, but at least I will have freed myself from a toxic state of mind and finally be enjoying my life and liking myself, even just the tiniest bit.

Each day will bring growth - that's all I can ask for.