Smile Like You Mean It

18.9.16



It's definitely fair to say that over the past month or so, things haven't felt that great for me. I'm not saying that I've felt so bad that I can't go on and I'm going to be wallowing in self pity forever, but I've, for certain, felt a lot happier than I have been feeling. Rather than writing about the negative feelings for once however, today I'm going to try and focus on more positive things.



JACKET - RAGGED PRIEST

There are a couple of things in life that really give me an overwhelming sense of happiness and although, yes, life should probably just be 'happy' all round, my life hasn't always been that easy. That's why I always feel so so so incredibly grateful for those 'couple of things' that really make me smile.

Number one is my family. Most of the time I tend to push my family away. It's not intentional, I think it's just a form of protecting myself and a fear of not being understood. Even though, my family are probably the most understanding bunch of nutters you'll ever meet. It's more of a subconscious thing than anything. However, there are definitely certain moments that just make me feel so overwhelmingly grateful for having them in my life.

With my brother for example, you couldn't meet two siblings who had less in common than him and I, but there are these moments where we just sit and chat and it's so clear that despite being like chalk and cheese, we understand each other. We don't talk about our hobbies or anything necessarily, but just life and how it's treating us. We've both been dragged through the mud quite a lot of times haha.

With my Dad, we're incredibly similar when it comes to our temper. We both get so angry over tiny things or if people say the wrong thing. It's funny, but we really are total stress heads... There are moments with my Dad that just give  me a sense of 'everything is okay' because I think one of my biggest worries is letting him down. It's moments where he starts showing people my blog and my instagram or even videos from my YouTube and going 'look, look how many followers she's got though!' that I'm reminded that my Dad is proud of me and believes in what I'm doing. Also, the fact that not everyone's Dad would basically sacrifice anything the way that my Dad does, just makes me appreciate everything a lot lot more.

Finally, with my Mum.. she's my best friend. I know that I can go to my Mum for everything. She might not constantly 100% get what I'm feeling, but I know that she tries to. She's done a lot of things for me and listened when i've needed someone to vent to. But there are just small little moments that we have together that just make me feel really warm and fuzzy inside. Like, the moment where she was laughing so hard about something (I can't even remember what) outside a restaurant on our trip to Brighton that everyone who could see her through the restaurant window started laughing too or the little chats we have in coffee shops on our days out where I feel like she really 'gets' what I'm talking about. My family is just pretty cool (but also pretty weird, because we're a bunch of weirdos haha)



TOP - RAGGED PRIEST & JEANS - RAGGED PRIEST

Number two is modelling. Modelling has given me so so so much confidence. I'm not saying that I'm some super sassy girl who constantly thinks 'I'm amazing!' but compared to the shell of person I used to be, I've come a long bloody way. It's pushed me out of my comfort zone, shown me that despite telling myself that I'm the most hideous creature on the earth for like the past 11 years, that actually, my ugly mug might not actually be too ugly. It's helped me conquer anxiety through travelling from place to place and helped me meet so many lovely people along the way too. It's something that I really want to pursue. I know that, for sure. I've just got to take the next big steps to do it now and keep reminding myself that this is something that has brought me so so far in such a short space of time. I often scare myself out of doing things, mostly due to anxiety and what not, but I don't want to keep doing that when I could be doing something I really really enjoy!




Number three is my blog and YouTube. I won't talk too much about these two because you've heard it all before, but one thing that makes me so happy about my little place on the internet is not only all of the amazing opportunities it's given me, the lovely people I've met and your amazing comments, but also the way that it has taught me to accept myself.

When I started my blog and YouTube, I was in the early stages of recovery and was a total recluse. Whilst I was ill, I'd deleted my Facebook, barely went outside, and just wanted to disappear. Nowadays, I'm just like 'HELLO HERE I AM, YES I MAKE VIDEOS AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET. HI, YES, I'M THAT WEIRD COLLEGE DROP OUT GIRL HIIIIIII'. I honestly, just don't care for anyone who thinks it's remotely funny, because at the end of the day, I'm getting to do what makes me happy.

As well as that though, it's also helped me to realise I don't have to hide behind my ridiculous drawn on eye brows or masses of mascara, I'm happy to just be bare-faced me and accept myself in that sense too. I can sit and watch a video of myself and not cringe at the thought of 'everyone i know' watching it or panicking about what people think - it's very nice actually haha.




Number four has got to be seeing images or capturing videos of myself where I am well and truly laughing. (Thank you Ema Crompton for always being able to do this!!) Whenever I see a photo of myself laughing, it reminds me just how much I want to feel like that constantly but also just how far I've come from a point where I actually never smiled at all. In my recent vlog (which you can watch here), there are so many moments of me laughing that I actually cried happy tears whilst watching it back. I'm just so genuinely happy in it. Seeing myself happy, makes me happy.


So there you go, that's just a few things that keep me feeling positive even when I'm having a moody month or two. Let me know down in the comments what keeps you going when you're in a slump and what moments you're all grateful for - I'd love to know!

Also, I hoped you liked seeing this shots from my recent shoot with Ema. Let me know if you'd like me to feature more of the images I have from shoots on my blog because I'm never really sure whether you'd like to see or not, but these photos are just so cute and a little bit different since they were shot on film so I thought, why not share them!

Shop this post here:


6 comments

  1. I hope you feel better, Holly! And yes, I totally agree with you, when things are hard, family is always the best thing to come around to in the end. Despite them being quite annoying sometimes, I love them to bits by the end of the day. I'm loving that cat t-shirt and jeans, so darn cute. xx

    www.ashrealasitgets.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you lovely <3 and Yes, family are always a constant in my life, thank god (even though they can be a pain in the bum hahah)! xx

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  2. I adore everything about this post. I adore the photos, I adore the outfit, I adore you and I adore how far you've come!
    Super proud of you girl, you're killing it at the moment <3
    LJLV | Fashion. London. Lifestyle. |

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    Replies
    1. Aw thank you so so much gal! As are you! <3

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  3. Ugh your success is so well deserved, seeing these photos made me so happy! You look amazing <3
    www.britishmermaid.com

    ReplyDelete

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