There's something about the change in season that both excites me and also drains me (a depressing note to start on, I know). I love the colder months for fashion and styling. I love layering pieces, experimenting with warm tones and wrapping myself up in cosy accessories, yet there's also something about dark mornings, rain pouring down as you're running through Market Street trying to catch a train, coughs, colds and now... Corona, that can bring on that low feeling I think a lot of us experience around this time of year.
I always make my best efforts to remain positive, upbeat and excited for that long (but fast approaching) countdown to Christmas. I've always had a love for festivities and Autumn/Winter as a whole. I love crunchy leaves, hot chocolates and festive episodes of old shows playing on repeat on TV. I also love the run up to Halloween and seeing how excited everyone gets to carve a pumpkin or indulge in Halloween movies. I think this time of year can be such an uplifting time in so many ways, yet there is always that seasonal depression looming in the background, especially this year.
Everything is a lot right now, you know? There have been so many ups and downs, breaking news and exciting reunion moments. It's become the norm to just be 'getting on with it', but in reality, the world still feels very heavy to deal with. I guess the best way to describe how I feel about it all is that, I'm somewhere in limbo; I'm torn between making the best of a bad situation and then wanting to hibernate until it's all over (which it never feels like it will be...)
I think it's completely normal to be feeling a bit lost right now. Nothing this year has been the way we expected it to be and as much as, like I said, we can 'get on with it', it has definitely taken it's toll. It often feels like an emotional roller-coaster for me. Some days are better than others - filled with happy moments, forgetting the world around me is on fire - and then there are the days when reality sets in and everything just begins to seem too much to handle.
I don't think the gloomy weather helps, not as much as I thought it would anyway. I thought that the dark mornings would make me feel happier to cosy up and forget about everything, slowly but surely however, I think it's beginning to make me feel a little suffocated. It's harder to wake up in a morning, it's more difficult to get on with work and distract myself, and it's not so easy to pop out for a stroll with a friend when it's pouring down with rain. I don't think I appreciated the sunshiney moments of lockdown no.1 as much as I should have...
I'm quite good at being alone and keeping myself distracted though. I think that's something a lot of freelancers can do. I enjoy my own company, I love blasting old One Direction songs as I tick through the day's to-do list and I don't mind spending quiet moments to myself. I think we've all mastered that feeling this year, but there is a certain feeling of loneliness that comes with it. Even the most introverted of people need those small moments with their loved ones, with their friends, with their partner. I think there's such a difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and lockdown has definitely had more 'lonely' moments.
I guess we're all still having to ride that wave, and trying to do it guilt-free all at the same time. There are days where we're upbeat, motivated and content - the days where I manage to make time to catch up with friends, do work and also get more than 5 hours sleep - yet there are days where all we can manage is to dedicate a day to binge watching Emily In Paris and eating a whole packet of digestives, and that's okay. I'm finding the colder months are enticing me to spend more days curled up in front of Netflix rather than getting on with work, but I have to remind myself that sometimes you just can't force a feeling, certainly not in the whirlwind that is 2020.
My point with this post wasn't to be another negative piece of writing, sprouting out words that just make the world feel even more tangled, I suppose it's more of a reminder that sometimes this time of year can feel heavy anyway, pandemic or no pandemic. I think it's totally valid to be unsure of our feelings during this time, and I think it's completely okay to still be taking each day as it comes, trying to not focus on the madness around us.
Who knows what the next few months will bring - that feels like a terrifying thought when usually you'd have the expectation of being surrounded by loved ones, Mariah Carey blaring in the background - it's hard to even focus on the 'now', never mind what November and December will look like. Everything almost feels like a really surreal dream sometimes.
For the time being, I'm trying my best to fight through the wobbly moments - the moments where I feel like I'm falling or failing or even drowning beneath the dark pool of never-ending bad news. I'm trying to focus on my love for the festive period and not the daunting thoughts of what it might actually be. I'm trying to keep myself afloat and I guess that's all I can do.
