I mean, honestly, this isn't going to be a particularly long blog post guys, but I always like to have a little celebratory post to commemorate the years this blog has been around for.

So, yes, Happy 5th Birthday to my little creative space on the internet!

This blog has been my savior (as well as my constant strive and stress for perfection) over the past 5 years and I can't be more grateful to anyone out there that takes the time to sit and read my ramblings.

It's a space in which I created to get away from my struggles with my mental health, but became a way in which I could then move forward and share my experiences (as well as my passion for style and beauty, of course) in hopes to help others, whilst simultaneously just simply getting things off my chest.

Having this blog has brought me so much happiness and so many amazing experiences, but most of all, comfort in the fact that there are people out there, just like me, who deal with difficult times and are trying their hardest to triumph through it.

I never thought that starting this blog 5 years ago would become the solid foundation of my ever-growing confidence, and the standing point for always pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I wish I could travel back in time and show my 16 year old self just how much better life was going to get, purely from finding a hobby, creating a website and sharing what I loved.

To anyone that has followed me for the last few years, or even just starting stalking me on the 'gram' yesterday, thank you so much - you've given me so much more than I could have asked for!

Here's to more years of OOTD's, long honest blog posts and dorky Instagram stories that I will look back and cringe at in another 5 years time!

Lots of love to you all ♥

Half way through the year already, jeeez that's flown by. There's something I'm noticing as I grow older and it's simply that time doesn't stand as still as it used to - days, weeks and months are just passing me by, with only the occasional significant moment that slows down and let's me soak up the life that is whizzing past me.

Normally I tend to talk about my 'goings on' at the end of the year, in a kind of 'yearly round up', if you will, but with my 21st birthday fast approaching, and my memories fading with old age (you'll soon find me sat swaying back and forth in my rocking chair, surrounded by cats and knitting scarves...I'm kidding!), I thought it'd be quite nice to chat to you about what I've been up to this year, as well as everything that's being going on recently, and what's to come!




So I began this year with lots to celebrate: New Years Eve was amazing - I got to spend it with the love of my life, in our favourite Manchester bar, and have a good ol' cheesy movie kiss at midnight. We then celebrated Josh's (said love of my life) birthday, which was a nice little break away from reality for a few days before heading back into working life. We got ourselves a cheap little hotel in the middle of Manchester and just chilled out, stuffing our faces with Deliveroo orders and watching crappy TV - couldn't think of a better way to spend the first week of the year if you ask me!

Once all the partying was over, I threw myself into work at full-force with a whole new concept for my content. I'm so glad I made that move - I don't think I've ever been happier with what I'm producing than I am now. I decided to stop producing things for the sake of just 'churning out' content, or conforming to the ideas I thought people wanted to see from me. I took a step back and realised I wasn't putting myself into what I was creating anymore, so it's nice to finally feel like I can see 'me' in everything I produce.

I had a few fun shoots lined up with some of my faves, Holly Beson-Tams and Sophia J Carey, and got to collaborate with The Trafford Centre and have my images (kindly shot by Rhian Melvin) plastered around the shopping mall for all to see! And, well, it's safe to say, 15 year old Holly wouldn't have believed that if you'd told her 5 years ago.

The Trafford Centre has a weirdly, special place in my heart - it was my safe place to go out to with my Mum when I wasn't very well. We'd go early in the morning, as to not cause me any anxiety and leave before it got too busy. I remember always going for a look in Zara and then popping to Cafe Nero for a sandwich - never did I think that 5 years later I'd be representing the entire place itself all so proudly. I mean, my face was on billboards on the motorway for crying out loud, eeeeek!!




By February, work had gotten into full-swing and I was off here-there-and everywhere, starting with castings and shoots in London, then meetings at Selfridges and cute brunch spots, and even visits into Liverpool to try out a bit of Topshop Personal Shopping.

Whilst in London I got to collaborate with one of my favourite brands, Sister Jane - being involved in that campaign was so much fun and the outcome of the photos (shot in some dreamy Notting Hill home, with. a. POOL!) was so amazing! It was a crazy day filled with lovely people (and free food, who can complain?) and it was just so nice to be involved in something like that for a brand I love working with.

Once back home, I began shooting weekly with Hayleigh, which has definitely been the biggest benefactor in my content creation this year. Having someone like-minded to help you shoot and work on things is wonderful. It meant that I began to feel a lot more organised in terms of work, and knew I'd always have someone to help me out with shooting if I needed it - #girlpower #creativessupportingcreatives!

I also got to work with CJ and Christian on their launch of BOYGIRL Agency, and shot a bad-ass video which you can check on HERE on my IGTV. I love working with these two - they're both incredibly talented and if you're looking for someone to help you shoot some sickkkk stuff, you should definitely check them out!



March rolled around and Josh and I headed off to London for the day together - something which I should have planned better because it just involved me stressing out between castings/meetings and then dragging him round the National History Museum to look at Dinosaurs when it started pouring down outside (doh!), but it was nice to have him see what I get up to on a busy day - sometimes I'm worried people think it's all an illusion haha.

I also got to collaborate with my all-time favourite beauty brand, Bobbi Brown (you guys all know that I'm a huge advocate for their products - they take up 90% of my make up bag, for sure!). We worked on promoting their extended shade range for their Skin Longwear Weightless Foundation and their Skin Foundation Stick - products which I swear by - and it was so much fun to create. They're a team I always love working with.




In April, I got to see a lot more of my lovely friend Lauren Weare, who is always on call whenever I need something shooting, or just a good ol' catch up and a coffee. We worked on shooting some stuff in the Temple Studio in Manchester and you guys loved the outcome (see above!). Since then we've been working on shooting more blog stuff and are always hunting new locations, which I love!

That month, Marta Ferenc and I also worked on shooting my Collaboration with Calvin Klein (seriously, what a dream come true!). We spent hours shooting photos, filming video and were so overwhelmed with the response to what we had created together - couldn't be prouder to have worked on something for a brand I love with a photographer and friend I love so much too!

I also got invited down to London for a lovely lunch with Calvin Klein too - we had a beautiful 3 course meal, chatted about new collections and working together in the future, and it was just a lovely afternoon.




At the beginning of May I uploaded what was one of my most-read blog posts of all time, 'Dealing With Eating Disorders In Relationships'. I was so proud (yet very nervous) about this post, so for it to have received the response it did was incredibly lovely. You guys know I love opening up on here - it's my own little space to get honest and share my experiences. I'm hoping it was useful to those of you out there that read it!

On the 12th of May I got to attend the TV BAFTA Awards with Carat* London and honestly, it felt like a dream come to life. I got to walk the red carpet, be photographed like the celebs and be in the same room as DAVID FREAKING SCHWIMMER (side node: I'm a huge friends fan, so I basically nearly cried when he presented an award on stage). It was a day I'll never forget and I'll be forever grateful to Carat* for bringing me along to represent them and wear their gorgeous jewels!

I also got to work with Thomas Sabo on an exciting Social Media project - keep your eyes peeled for some images of me donning some beautiful Thomas Sabo pieces soon. We spent the day in sunny London, shooting around Brick Lane and Tower Bridge (with the occasional Pret coffee break, of course) and I can't wait to see the photos from it!

Lastly, Miss Selfridge took me along to Neighborhood Weekender, which was actually the first EVER festival I'd ever been to. I got to meet some great girls (Steph & Emily) and enjoy some fab music - my favourite was definitely Primal Scream, so so so good! It was so good I'm already begging Josh to go along with me next year!



And, here we are now, in June - the month of my 21st birthday (woohoo!).

Lately things have been a little quiet on the collaboration front, but mainly my focus as been on organising things for Milan in 2 weeks time! Josh and I decided to jet off to somewhere a little sunnier for my birthday, and I'm so glad we did- I mean, have you seen the weather lately? Yuck!

My mind has been consumed by all things 'holiday'... you know? Outfit planning, restaurant hunting... that kind of thing, but I'm super excited and can't wait to just have some down time away from everything.

However, I do have one cool update for you, I now have a part-time job! *applause please* 

I recently started working at Oliver Bonas in Manchester and I absolutely love it. It's a whole new ball-game for me to be working in retail, as I've always worked for myself, but it's definitely the next thing I needed to do to push myself out of my comfort zone.

Don't get me wrong, I love working for myself, but having those few days a week where I can just get away from my phone, and the online world, and focus on something else, is really nice and the change I think I've been after this whole year.

So, here's to new challenges, all that I've achieved so far this year, and my upcoming birthday in a warmer climate!

Hope you're all well and have had a good year so far - let's take on het next 6 months with a bang! ♥

'Feeling disconnected' - that's probably the best way I can describe how loneliness feels to me. It's a sense of isolation, a sense of separation, a sense of protection - something which I've normally just plagued upon myself, the thoughts in my head convincing me so. However, it can also be down to so many other factors too - there's no perfect reason as to why we all feel lonely.

I think the irony with loneliness is that, we all feel like we're the only ones going through that emotion, when in reality, everyone feels loneliness from time to time. It's a paradox of feeling completely by yourself, yet we're not really by ourselves in that specific emotion because so many other people out there can feel the exact same way at that exact same time. I guess there's some comfort in knowing we're not all alone in those feelings.

I believe loneliness is pretty complex. I mean, I can feel lonely for simply a day when I've stayed in on a friday evening, or I could be in a room full of people and still feel like I'm secluded from whatever is going on, or I could even have had that empty feeling of loneliness hanging over me for months on end - I suppose it's coherent to whatever is happening in our lives at the time.




Back in 2015/2016, loneliness was a very big constant in my life. It was something that no matter the day, no matter the occasion, no matter the circumstances, I felt perpetually alone. This was all relevant to my mental health at the time, of course. At this point, I was in a low place with my eating disorders and depression, and those have huge factors on your emotions, especially those related to other people. I was also dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which, looking back, was probably the biggest factor in my actions at the time.

When it comes to things like eating disorders and OCD, there's a lot of secrecy intertwined in everything a person can do. As I've discussed before here on my blog, it's almost a sense of embarrassment and shame that surrounds the irrational thoughts and behaviors we partake in.

With that being said, it's hard to want to be, or even feel like you can be, around other people. It's hard to allow yourself out of the comfort zone (or 'grasp' for want of a better word) that you feel safe in. Consequently, we then begin to isolate ourselves from all other parts of everyday life. We begin to say no to hanging out with friends, we refuse to eat in front of others, we can even refuse to leave the house. It's a domino effect - we begin to shut out everything but our secure routines, we begin to force this loneliness upon ourselves. Well, that's what happened for me anyway.

I was consumed by my obsessive routine. Everything revolved around timings, especially when it came to food, and if anything would disrupt that, it would feel like my brain was imploding. I couldn't handle anything coming between me and my own structured way of living. It was me, and only me, who was allowed to be in my life, in my own little irrational bubble.

Loneliness - It's an odd emotion to feel when you're in a situation like that, because no one else has actually made you feel lonely. It's not like people would leave me out of things, it was me. I was leaving myself out of things. My loneliness was a consequence of my own actions. However, that's not to say it's not a valid way to feel. I suppose this kind of thing that I'm talking about here is a broader feeling. It's a sense of seclusion that saturates your entire existence. It's a huge factor of low mental health and coincides with the concept of 'hopelessness' you feel when you're suffering from depression.


It's a known fact that we tend to cut people off when we're feeling low, no matter the scale of it, and it can be a hard way to feel when, in the bigger picture of things, you're in control (or your mind is anyway) of how lonely you're making yourself, but, things change with time - remember that - we only move out those situations by challenging ourselves and doing the things that scare us. Try and fit in a little coffee date around something, or even get someone to come round for a chat for an hour or so. We all need human interaction at the end of the day and even if there's an initial feeling of panic, you'll feel better for having seen someone in the long run.




Looking at this from another angle, one a little less mental health orientated, loneliness can simply be perpetuated by things like work, school, money and social life.

I know for me, as someone who's been blogging for 5 years, loneliness can rear it's head quite often when you're working for yourself. After all, sitting at home, just you and your laptop, with only the occasional momentary trip outside to collect the essentials (*cough*more coffee and digestive biscuits*cough*), can become somewhat of an isolating routine.

Don't get me wrong, I love the freedom I have to sit here, typing away or setting up my tripod to shoot a quick few self-portraits, but it doesn't half get a bit quiet sometimes. Some days you just draw a blank - there's no words to type out with your fingers and there's no photos to be shot and you grow to miss the feeling of communication with other people.

I think it goes for a lot of things in the creative world, but writing can't be rushed, neither can a good photo. Everything has to be thought out, or inspired, and when there's no inspiration left and no planning to do, all I'm left to do is sit here, alone, twiddling my thumbs until its finally a reasonable time to go back to sleep. And, time moves slow on days like that. It's like minutes turn into hours and I'm asking myself: how many cups of tea can I actually drink to pass the time?

It can be great to be independent and in control of your own time, but it's definitely a component of being self employed that can leave you feeling a little on the outskirts of everything and everybody else sometimes. That's why I always think it's good to take yourself outside when ever the opportunity shows itself. Get yourself to a cafe to write, or organise a shoot day with someone - it's those little things that help minimize that time spent in constant solitude.


There are factors like University which can really eat into the time you would spend socializing too. I can't speak from experience, but after seeing friends of mine stuck in front of their laptops typing out dissertations until 4am, I can't imagine how remote you must come to feel from the norm of partying and seeing friends.

I suppose it's again that idea of something consuming your time and your thoughts, obviously not in the same sense as bad mental health of course, but it still becomes something that can leave you feeling pretty lonely.

Even regardless of dissertations and lectures, I know that University can become a lonely time for a lot of people. I guess people are told that it will be 'the time of their lives', which obviously, it is for a lot of people, but it can also be a difficult time if you're in a situation involving flat-mates you don't get a long with, a course you don't *really* love or just the simple thing of having found no other hobbies or interest to keep you going through your University course.

I think it goes without saying, this applies to any other education too. You could be at high school or college and feel the exact same way. Even a job you've applied for could have the exact same factors.


If you're without friendship, hobbies, social life (which I will come on to in a moment), then it's hard to feel like you're not alone, especially in a ginormous campus full of people. I can understand that University is tough - it's not all partying and making life long friends - it can be an isolating situation away from everything you once knew.

I think the thing with any education or work is, you have to have people around you that you 'click' with, or else you're left with that feeling of separation. The idea that you're not fitting in, or not finding your group. It's an understandable emotion, especially when you're far from home. Without that connection with other people, it's hard to feel complete with everything - to not feel like you're separate from everyone else who seem to be having the time of their lives, or getting on with it, at least.




But, I know for some people, things like 'social life' don't come particularly easy. For me, a lot of my social life revolves around me being able to get into Manchester. You see, I don't live in the city center, I actually live in the middle of absolutely bloody nowhere - sure it's not 'nowhere' to me, it's home, but my home and my social life don't coincide.

Often I'll find myself back home on a Friday night, nothing to do but stare blankly at my laptop in hopes some inspiration will strike or at least some Netflix show will draw me in and actually excite me for once. Usually though, that doesn't happen. I'm left scrolling through Instagram, watching people on their jolly's, tasting divine Italian food, drinking cocktails on the beach; people out drinking with their friends, giggling, laughing, having fun; or even people on date nights with their other halves, getting all romantic and enjoying the love.

Sure, loneliness can be consuming - everyone wants to be liked, and everyone wants to have friends and fit in, but compromising who you are to do so isn't worth it. I've often felt like people don't 'get me' or people have pushed me out because of the way I act or the way I look, but those are the things which make me, 'me'. It's my quirks, my style and my personality that set me apart from people, and not in a bad way. If you think about it, if I stuck to conforming to the 'norms' life threw at me, I wouldn't be here typing this blog post now, I would never have made some of the friends I have made or have modelled for amazing brands in campaigns I could never dreamed of. All the things I've done are down to the fact that I was myself and did what I wanted to do, regardless if I was going to fit in or not. Okay, there may have been some slips along the way, but I know for a fact that nothing would make me feel lonelier than not being able to express exactly who I am.

Being alone isn't always a bad thing - despite how loneliness can make you feel. It's not mandatory that every single person has to 'click' with everyone else and I think it's important to stay true to yourself if you're in a situation where you feel like you're conforming just to make life easier (at Uni, at work, wherever that may be). Get to know yourself, stay in touch with the people who you do 'click' with, make some friends online, find something to throw your passion into. It's better to be alone than to be changing yourself and not expressing who you are.

I don't know what it is, but the past few days I've felt completely lost for words, for creative energy - just any of the stuff I need to get up and at 'em each morning and get on with things. Maybe it's the yo-yoing weather, or the fact that all my friends have flooded off to nice hot countries and my holiday still isn't for another few weeks (not jealous, not jealous at all), so I'm left with no one to hang out with and work with. No matter what it is, I haven fallen, fallen into the slump of no creativity. So, to give myself a bit of a boost, to any of you guys out there who might need it too, here are 5 ways I try to get inspired when I feel like all inspiration is lost.





To-Do Lists

You can't go wrong with list-making. Nothing gets all those jobs and worries out of your head better than writing them down and ticking them off one by one. There's something so therapeutic about it, right? Sometimes writing down even the most mundane of things and ticking it off can help you feel motivated (1. make bed...CHECK! 2. drink coffee... CHECK!) 

I also love making lists of goals that I'd like to reach or lists of writing ideas too - often we have all these things swirling round in our brains, but putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) helps clarify everything.

Writing down goals is a great one for when you need to feel inspired. For example, I might want to shoot for/work with a particular brand - a brand I've always dreamed of collaborating with. Finally getting to tick that off my goal list and having the content right there in front of me would feel super rewarding if it were to happen.

Look At Images That Inspire You

I can find Instagram frustrating at times, but there's no doubt that it is my go-to source for finding inspiration when it comes to imagery. You will have already noticed I've tried to shake things up a bit this year, producing imagery that I'm much happier with and feels so much more 'me'... but that's not to say that sometimes I'm left wondering what on earth to create.

It's hard not to get knocked down by the idea of 'what content preforms best' or 'my content doesn't look as good as their's', but all in all as long as you produce something you love, and get enjoyment out of shooting it, then you're on the right track.

There are always certain content creators that I love to see on my feed, so I usually head there first to see whether anything can spark a light-bulb moment for me, but lately I've been trying to find new people to follow too. I love discovering new accounts, seeing how different people shoot and style things. It's been really refreshing and I highly recommend having a little search and refreshing the images on your feed a bit - there are so many amazing creatives out there!

I also love using Instagram to create 'saved' folders - I have several of them dedicated to shoot ideas and outfits that I like. Whenever I'm in doubt, I always click open those folders and have a scan through. Sometimes just 1 image can remind you of something similar you have in your wardrobe or spark an idea of some new make-up looks you want to try.





Read

As much as I love writing, I also have a big love for reading too. Although I might not always grab for my ever-growing collection of hardback books (seriously, I have so many that I need to make the time to read!) I'm always reading blog posts or searching for new poetry accounts to follow. Magazines are also great too - maybe not to inspire words per-say, but I have stacks and stacks of Vogue magazines that I love to read through when I need a bit of fashion enlightenment.

Poetry has always been a big source of inspiration for me. The way words can make you feel, or the way one or two words can spark a whole blog post idea in my head. I think poetry is magical like that. Some of my favourites are Eleanor Russel, S.L Gray, Charly Cox, Kamilla Tolno and I love Morgan Harper Nichols' account for inspiring words too!

Get Styling 

When in doubt, root through your wardrobe and remind yourself of all the pieces you have - get creative with them, try out different pieces together. I love laying pieces out on my bed and seeing what works - mixing matches colours or even just planning looks for up coming holidays/events. It makes me super excited to wear/shoot them.

Or, if your wardrobe has got you feeling a bit 'meh', then a bit of online window shopping always works. I'm not saying that buying clothes makes you feel better but hey, treat yo self!





Look At The World Around You

I know that when I'm in a slump, it probably means I've been hidden away in my house for too long, forgetting that the outside world exists. I usually force myself outside for a walk, or take myself into town to expose myself to real life again (lol) and it just gives my head that 'refresh' that it needs.

I love people watching - seeing people's personal style, watching interactions. It also helps when the sun is shining - I'm always desperate to get outside when the weather's warm - there are so many happy vibes around you (especially in a Manchester beer garden haha!) You can notice a lot when you take in your surroundings - a lot of things that can be super influential in your writing or your style - it really helps.

Occasionally, I even just take myself round the village where I live and get out the house. There's something about being cooped up inside for a long length of time that seems really dull my creative brain cells. Fresh air, people walking by you, and a blue sky can make all the difference from looking at 4 walls around you.

*trigger warning*

I've experienced a lot when it comes to my relationship with food. I've discussed the Anorexia side of things more in depth before, but never really delved too deep into the whirlpool that is Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia. I guess that probably comes with that 'typical' shame that surrounds our irrational behaviors with food and our habits with it. I mean, I don't really want to be spilling the beans when I'd rather be eating them, right?

The Binge Eating part of my ED is something that I've always found to be an embarrassment to me - something I've never really wanted to share too openly and something I've always feared people knowing about. Like I said, that's pretty typical behavior. When you're faced with a unusual feeling around food, it's not really something you want to shout from the rooftops... but hey, here I am, sharing it online instead!

With any eating disorder there comes that extreme 'guilt' that can overwhelm you to a point like no other. You're no longer in the drivers seat of your own mind, a whole other thing has taken command of it all and you're just the empty shell that it's inhibited.

This year, Binge Eating is something I've battled a lot with: the secrecy around food, the overindulging, the loosing control and the constant yo-yoing of weight. However, it's also something I've began to open up about a lot more, and that seems to have helped me with managing it a lot better.

I can safely say to you that I've not had a binging episode in around 3 months now, and although that may not seem like a massive amount of time, in the scheme of things it really is. To finally get out of the cycle of reaching for food for comfort, to fill a void, or just simply because it's there, is really bloody hard, and for me to be 3 months deep into having not giving into those thoughts, feels like a big deal for me.



I think I've always had a bit of an obsession with food. It's always been that safe comfort blanket - the constant that would never leave me. My earliest memory of over-indulging in food would be after school. You know, when you'd get in at 3:30pm, stick on a bit of Disney Channel and have a snack? Well, for me that always seemed to be the time where the eating never stopped - that was the time where it felt like everything had to be consumed or the world would come to an end for me. It was chocolate bar after chocolate bar, followed by bag of crisps after bag of crisps, and then cereal and whatever else my Mum had stocked the cupboards up with. It was that time for me where whatever I was dealing with internally could be suppressed deep down by the comfort of a Twix and a hot chocolate (X12).

I remember hiding wrappers and empty bags from my Mum and Dad and then scurrying to throw them in the bin when they weren't looking. I felt ashamed to eat in front of people, or to even get food from the kitchen in front of people, so would factor in the times where I'd be able to go and sneak some snacks up to my room or dispose of any evidence of binges.

Despite this idea of food being my friend, the binge eating was something I really felt no control over. It was like another side of my brain had taken over and put me on auto-pilot, diving head first into a swimming pool of junk food. I mean, it isn't even always junk food, it's just large quantities of food being consumed at the speed of light with nothing that can stop you. In that moment where you're eating, it's completely liberating - what you need to make yourself feel better - but it's incomparable to the feeling of anger, hatred and frustration towards yourself afterwards. That's the thing I always seem to forget when I ever I relapse, but it's the constant thing I remind myself of now - eating that much will not fix my problems and only make me feel worse.

Primary School/High School were where my 'secrecy' habits regarding food began, and it was a habit that continued to grow bigger and more confusing the older that I got. By the time I was in year 9, I had hit the peak of puberty. I had boobs and a bum and all that weight I'd gained from my metabolism slowing down but my obsessive eating habits still continuing. I hated myself. Like, REALLY hated myself. My self-esteem was nonexistent.

I didn't look like the other girls - I never had a tiny frame to begin with, but I certainly couldn't keep up with the small girl figures when I had 36D boobs and a 1,000,000 calorie diet. I felt so confused and unsure of how to 'fit in', so I continued to suppress it all with food because that was my only vice. I couldn't click my fingers and get my 10 year old girl body back, I couldn't make myself be 'popular', I couldn't force people to like me and invite me to parties. Food was the only thing I could have a sense of power over - food was the only thing I could be sure wasn't going to let me down.



The thing is, for a long time food was my companion. Food was what I felt I needed to make myself happy. It's a big dark void that, in that moment, you feel like only food can fill, and it's a numbness you feel while doing it which can be the cause of the never ending eating. You never feel full, not until your body really tells you it can't take anymore, so you just continue and continue, looking for the next thing you have to eat.

Years went by, my low self-esteem heightening and binge eating getting worse and worse, and then one day, I looked at myself in a photo of me and my group of friends, and I remember something clicking in my head: I didn't want to be that person anymore. 

It was a sudden realization that the way I looked and the things I hated so much about myself were caused by food - the thing I thought was helping me. It felt a new wave of ideas filled my brain and I just HAD to be thin NOW, and there was nothing that was going to stop me. I'd had fluctuations in my weight from moments where I'd binged less or binged more, but nothing had ever felt like enough. This was a point where 'thin' was my only goal and I wanted to take total charge of it.

This is when I began binging and purging.

Now, if you're not familiar with that, then that's where you binge eat, and then 'purge' it out by making yourself throw up, using laxatives or whatever it may be. I'll openly admit that some of my Bulimic habits are yet to leave me as of right now, but there certainly not in my life the way they used to be, which I'm extremely glad about. There was a time in my life which was made so dark by the whole thing and it really was the beginning of a 4 year spiral that seemed never ending.

I would do my usual 'come home from school, eat everything in the fridge' ritual, but rather than sitting there all content with my full stomach and Hannah Montana singing 'Best of Both Worlds' on the TV, I'd be sprinting to the bathroom, running the shower and sticking my fingers down my throat.

I could be there for hours - making sure any little remanence of food was out of me. Or, I'd be running back and to throughout the evening whenever I thought no one would hear me. Worst came to worst I'd throw up in plastic bags in my room and hide them until I could get rid of them discreetly. (sorry, probably TMI but it's true). Laxatives weren't a thing I knew too much about before this time in my life, but they were something that became an obsession to use and I couldn't live without.

I began exercising, but completely in excess. I would be up in my bedroom jogging on the spot until the point I felt like I was going to pass out and had 'thinspo' pictures saved as my phone background as to spur me on. I became constantly agitated and exhausted, but I could never explain to anyone why, because no one could know what I was doing.

I made my throat bleed, my teeth were worn down and weak, my knuckles were scratched and scabbed, I had stomach cramps constantly, I was lightheaded, and my hair began to fall out. It wasn't glamorous, I'll tell you that, but it felt like my only resort - it felt like the only way I could get away with trying to take control of my weight again.



I use the word 'control' lightly here, because in reality, I wasn't in control, I was completely out of control. I'd lost all sense of self and the only thing I was living for was to finally prove to people I could be a 'skinny girl' too.

I'd ruined the way my body functioned. I ended up with weak teeth, yellowing skin because my liver couldn't cope anymore and a extremely messed up bowel system - my body still isn't back to normal now. I'd lost all dominance over my own thoughts and my own body. It wasn't worth this 'ideal' figure that I was trying to achieve.

A year passed by before I told someone. Well, my friend actually confronted me about it at a house party and I just turned into a drunk blubbering mess... but same difference *shrugs*. Finally telling someone was a big step for me - even though deep down, below all the confused thoughts I was having, I was truly crying for help - actually telling someone felt completely terrifying.

I wish I could say that's where the whole thing ended, but eating disorders are a lot more complicated than that. It's rare that you hear someone feels cured from it all - I think they're parts of your mindset that you drill into your daily life for so long that they're hard to let go of. I know that I live my life a lot more freely now, but that's not to say that the thoughts aren't there, it's just easier to fight them.

Despite opening up about my Bulimic habits, my brain convinced me to find a new form of secrecy, which is where my Anorexia began. I'm not going to go into detail about this, because it's almost a whole other thing, but I'm sure I'll cover this topic again soon. Often, I guess eating disorders can all blur into one, or one can lead to another and so on, but I want to focus solely on a different side of things in this post.



Anyway, it's now 4/5 years since I was diagnosed with my eating disorders, and at that point I really wasn't sure how long it would go on for. I didn't know whether having a doctor say those words to me was going to spur me on, or terrify me so much that I'd just snap back to reality. Honestly, it was a bit of both. One part of me wanted my life back, but the other still wanted total control over everything.

That's the thing, it can be a constant battle between your mind, food and other people. You never know which way you truly want to go and it can be a struggle to find your feet.

With that being said, I'm definitely at my most 'stable' right now, which is amazing (woohoo!), and I feel that's mostly down to the way I've learnt to face the terrifying concept of 'change', the people I've surrounded myself with and confided in, and the things I've learnt about myself throughout the past few years. However, I'm not saying it came easy, and even just 4 months ago I was back in that dreaded cycle of binge eating.



I told myself that after being Anorexic that I could never go back to binging again (how could I? I was a 'skinny' girl now?!), but little did I know, the changes in my life would lead me right back to it.

It's that idea of 'letting go' that used to be so scary to me, that actually became my new way of life. I met new people, got a boyfriend and began to not have a care in the world. Everything felt free and liberating and I loved every second of it... until I gained weight, of course.

I felt like I did when I was 14 again. I felt sucked up in a world of feeling crap, so then eating crap. I would literally go to the shops, buy bags of cookies, chocolates, sweets and take them home and eat them, all alone, in one sitting. (I'm guilty of choking on a donut whilst binge eating, crying and watching The Notebook... don't judge me). I was back in the whirlpool of never ending confused emotions, that could only be solved by eating food, but could only be worsened by eating food too. My mind felt like a mess.

I started hiding things again. I would hide all the food I'd bought to binge, I'd hide myself away in my room and everything felt like one big embarrassment.

But, I couldn't go back down the rabbit hole - I really didn't want to. The idea of having to go through everything again was more horrifying to me than the idea of a few extra 'lbs' (that is what we call GROWTH ladies!) So, I confided in the people closest to me and said I needed help. I needed them to notice when I was spiraling, because when you're in that bubble you can't stop yourself.

Now the people around me know when I'm doing something that isn't going to make me feel good. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sat here eating lettuce leafs for every meal and drinking 8 glasses of cucumber water a day, I'm still living a free life filled with G&T's and Pizza Hut hangover days, but none of it is in excess anymore, and no one will allow me to do it in excess either, because they know what it leads me to.

I make sure to let there be a couple of said 'cheat days', but they're always followed by days where I go back to normality and eat well - everyone around me insures I do that too: from my Mum, to my boyfriend, to my friends - if you have good people around you, it makes the world of a difference.




Sometimes to get through something like this, you need to count on other people to get you through the start of it - that's always the trickiest part. The first week of trying to get out of those binge eating habits is the worst. It's like you're so aware of all the food around you - like it's literally calling out to you - but you're trying to gain that self-control back so you're fighting through it.

I think it goes for a lot of things, but getting through 7 days of it, is really when the ball starts rolling. That's when I felt I could take off the stabilizers (i.e. everyone holding my hand through it) and start taking charge myself.

I've learnt what my triggers are and how to recognize them, I've learnt to stop being so polite and decline something if I know it's not going to do my mental state any good to eat it, and I've learnt a balance that works for me, without cutting out all of the things I enjoy in life.

Like I said, I'm in a really good place right now, which I hope continues, but finding the balance in your relationship with food isn't always easy.

When it comes to BED or Bulimia, it's learning to find that control, when enough is enough, and listening to your body and what it is telling you. Find distractions - put on a film, read a book, ring a friend - do anything that take your mind away from that fixation for a bit.

If you're out there and any of this applies to you, I'm going to throw a good ol' cliche at you:

"things get better" ... oh and: "everything is temporary".

Eating disorders are crap, but we're all stronger than we think we are. Fight through it and find yourself again. Life wasn't made to destroy ourselves over the 'perfect' self, life is made for living and food is meant to be enjoyed, not feared or abused.