Nasty Gal & New Days

Today is a Monday morning and it's a new day.

Today I am waking up, and for the first time in a while, I'm not giving up.

I'm exhausted with the pain I'm causing myself; I'm exhausted by the way I've been feeling; I'm exhausted by the thought of how things used to be.

I'm just exhausted by it all.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

After weeks and weeks of ups and downs, today is a day where I forget about everything else that has happened. I forget about the things I've done, the things I've felt and the person I used to be.

Today, I move on. I move on as a person who wants to be happy, to be 'normal' and to live, rather than just existing in a whirlwind of crazy emotions all the time.

Today I take time to breathe: I'll do things I'll enjoy, I'll even do new things I've never done before.

Today is a new day for me.

A new clean page.

Who knows? Maybe I'll even stick on a sassy outfit, like I'm wearing here, and make myself feel all empowered and confident? Maybe I'll grab for my red lipstick and do my hair all pretty and nice? Maybe I'll sit and drink a cup of tea and binge watch a bit of The Big Bang Theory?

Either way, I'm just going to do whatever makes me feel okay.

I just want to feel at peace.

I want to not worry anymore.

I've spent far too long now caring about what people think.

I want to wear what I want, act how I want, live how I want, without constant worry over the affects or people's opinions.

I just want freedom from my thoughts.

"The change you want to see around you can only come when there is change within you."

So, if I want to stick on a bold pair of velvet knee high boots, or channel a bit of Sophia Amoruso in my Nasty Gal jacket, then I will. And, if I want to sit around in my pyjamas all day, then I'll do that too. That's the way I want it to be.

And I guess (not to start referencing the past), I just miss when fashion made me feel free, when life made me feel free. I miss when style was my way of expression and my way of saying 'I don't give a crap' or when I'd just be well and truly myself.

But, today is a new day.

Today is a clean page.

I'm going to put on a outfit I love, do what makes me happy, and I'm not going to give a crap.


Feeling At Home

"Don't force yourself to fit where you don't belong."

Sometimes I feel lost. I feel like I don't fit in.

Where I live, I find that you're either 'in' or you're 'out'. Even once you've left High School, gotten married, had a couple of kids, it still seems to be the case. And, to be honest with you, I don't want to live in a world like that. I don't like living in a world like that.

Don't get me wrong, my home is my home. I will always come back here and feel nostalgic and be reminded of different memories, but I don't think I 'feel' at home here. I don't feel free and comfortable and able to express myself as much as I should do.

I don't feel like this is somewhere that I belong.

However, let's take Manchester for example.

This wonderful city just has the ability to do something to me.

This city puts me at ease - I feel like I can finally be myself here.

I feel like I can strut through the streets in my stripey trousers, wear my bold red lips and shoot photos and stand posing in the rain. I feel free to dance about in the street without people looking at me like I'm a maniac, and I feel like I'm free to smile at strangers and them respond nicer than people who recognize me from our 5 long High School years together, but yet still choose to blank me like they've never seen me before in my life.

I feel at home in Manchester. Even though it isn't my home at all.

You see, sometimes home isn't actually your house or your bedroom, or even the place you grew up, but it's the place you first felt able to scream 'I'm Holly White and I'm not afraid to say it!!' at the top of your lungs, or the place you first felt able to wear your wackiest outfit or simply just the place you and your friends hang out the most. Home can be anywhere that you feel it is.


That's something I've come to realise. I can feel 'at home' when I'm not actually 'at home'.

I can be 'at home' in a fashion, or in a certain coffee shop. I can be 'at home' in a haircut or a lip colour. I can be 'at home' with a person, or by hearing a familiar sentence.

Home is literally where your heart is.

Home is literally where your heart is warm and fuzzy, where you feel relaxed and happy. And, well, if that's not your 'actual' home, then that's totally okay.


Binge Eating Just To Feel Something

*this post was written a couple of weeks ago and I didn't know whether to share it, but here we go..*

I woke up this morning and I felt nothing.

I felt empty.

No emotion was coming out.

It was one of those moments where I felt this 'omg, I'm so dead inside' feeling, and I pressured this fake laugh and exhausted conversation out from the bottom of my chest.

I've been feeling like this for a couple of weeks now.

I've been ignoring it and ignoring it, suppressing it a lot with tipsy nights out or over-working everyday, but today, well, this weekend, it finally hit me pretty hard.

"I'm broken over things that have seemed more important than my own beating heart."

I am just sad right now, I guess.

I could go into some long ramble as to why, but there's no use, I don't even know if I can explain it,

I. am. just. sad.

And the problem with that is, I sometimes don't know what to do when I get like this.

I mean, more often than not, I'll just get up, motivate myself, and try and keep myself busy. I'll give myself a to do list or tell myself to go for a walk or something, but it gets to a point where even that leaves you feeling empty. Not even a literal 'walk through a park' can make feeling actual emotions any easier.

So, that's when I take to food.

Food will always make me feel something. Whether it's happiness, fullness, anger, guilt - it always does something to me.

And, before this year, I hadn't struggled with binge eating for a long time, so for it to be rearing it's head again had got to be one of the most difficult things to deal with.

Because, like I said, binging was a thing of the past. I lived off a very control, very healthy diet; I very rarely even touched junk food and didn't go out drinking pretty much, ever.

Then this year, my life started to change; I started to let go, I started to lose that hold, that control, that I had in my life for so long.

The thing was, I began to be away from home with work a lot. I'd be eating on the go, overwhelmed by the choices of food staring back at me on a 'meal deal' shelf. I had turned 18, meaning it was finally time for me to dance my life away in the Northern Quarter and get ridiculously drunk before it had even hit 10pm. And, I met new people, my routines started to change, and suddenly my life couldn't be controlled by the same old foods and the same old timings anymore.

I very clearly remember the first really bad binge that happened - I actually wrote about it the whole 'binge eating' thing, after it happened, here: 'Food: My Enemy and My Best Friend' - it was awful because I hadn't zoned out like that for a long time.

I zone out when I binge, you see. It's like I'm numb to everything and the only thing that will give me some kind of happiness is stuffing my face with an entire pack of hobnobs, a Chinese take away, a pizza, a pint of ice cream and beans on toast (all probably within the space of 10 minutes may I add).

I'm so happy in those moments where I'm allowing myself to just EAT and EAT EVERYTHING. The rest of my time is spent being so restrictive and eating bowls of salad so that I can still fit into my size 6 Boohoo jeans, that for the time before the guilt kicks in, I actually feel uplifted. It's like some sort of diet revolution.

But, like I said, then the guilt kicks in.

Then comes the bloating, the body dysmorphia, the crying and all the regret that my body can allow me to feel.

And so, on days like today where I feel absolutely nothing, where I feel completely emotionless, why not force some emotion, hey? Why not put myself through a week of hell and guilt just to feel something for a 30 minute binge period? Why not inflict some hurt on myself?

I wish that every time I was about to binge, my mind would come back to this moment.

Sure, that 30 minutes of 'Oh my god, chocolate is so amazing, I'm going to eat this entire cake and not give a shit' and 'Wow, I'm still not full! I'll never be full! I'm so hungry!', might feel alright in the moment, but the minute that reality sets in, and you realise what you've done, it's just really not worth it.

It feels fucking terrible.

I feel fucking terrible.


Feeling Regal with Thomas Sabo #ad

I always like to make a statement. I like to catch people's eye and draw them in. I like to experiment, to try new things and to work with different styles and looks.

Today, I'm feeling regal. I'm working with a totally 'regal' and 'lavish' vibe.

I feel like a member of the royal family almost (a much more disgruntled member of the royal family might I add, but still, I could be a part of that family, for sure...).

You see, when I think of the word 'regal', I always instantly think of Kate Middleton in that beautiful wedding gown, or I take to the idea of fictional Disney Princesses like Cinderella or Snow White, I don't tend to think of much else.

I don't tend to think of grungy looks or the colour black - it's always very light and whimsical.

But, that's the thing I like about this gorgeous choker by Thomas Sabo. This choker has the ability to make me think of so much more than Disney Princesses, and allows me to experiment and shake things up a bit, just like I love to do.

The beautiful velvet band, paired with the unique look of the multi-colored cross pendant, just has such a vintage and 'one-off' feel to it. It screams 'Victoriana' and instantly made me want to create a mixture of a grungy, yet elegant look.

I mean, at the end of the day, the choker is a trend that is back and ins't going anywhere, so why not shake things up from your usual 'modern' look and try something a little more unusual with the 'regal' feeling, right?

This is a piece of jewellery that can be transitioned from day-to-night so effortlessly, just by switching up the lip colour you chose to wear with it, or opting for a little black dress, rather than a pair of jeans and fitted white tee.

For this look, I wanted to keep things simple, yet also implement that grungy, Victoriana vibe that is so perfect at this time of year.

I paired my fabulous choker along with my gorgeous Thomas Sabo earrings (perfect colour match, right?!) and opted for a bold lip to really tie the look together.

"Jewelry has the power to be this one little thing that can make you feel unique."

It's definitely not a look I would usually opt for (sometimes I forget that it's totally okay to feel like a Princess/royalty even if I am just little ol' Holly White from the North!) but experimenting with different ways to stand out from the crowd is totally my thing and this look works perfectly for what I wanted.

If you want to get your hands on these pieces yourself, simply click HERE and head on over to the Thomas Sabo website and browse the collection, and you can feel like royalty too ♥
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