Play The Character

With Halloween coming up, the idea of different characters and different costumes has been playing on my mind.

What am I going as this year? Something scary? Something sexy? Something from a nostalgic film? 

These questions, and the idea of putting on a costume, pretending to be something else, has got me thinking. How come everyday can almost be like Halloween for me? How come sometimes even in my own clothes, my own outfits, I feel like I'm playing a character? 

Sometimes I wake up and I have to make that decision of, 'who am I going to be today?'

Sometimes I wake up, numb to reality, and I have to come up with some sort of fictional person, a 'persona' of sorts, that I just continue to replay and replay to people.

Who am I today? 

Am I happy? Am I sad? 

Do I like to dress in colour? Do I like to dress in monochrome? 

What food do I like? What food do I hate? Can I deal with food?

How do I wear my hair? Up or Down?

How much make up do I like? A little or a lot?

It's an endless sea of questions.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, and I often wonder, does anyone know who they are?

I don't think, (right now anyway), I can pin point a lot of things about myself - I'm in an emotional and mental limbo with it all.

Some days I wake up and I'm 'happy Hol' and other days I'm 'sad Hol'. Some days I wake up and I drench myself in brightly coloured clothes and other days I dress in black, head-to-toe. Some days my relationship with food is fine, other days it's not. Some days I'll curl my hair all pretty and stylish, other days it's stuck up in a bun and hasn't been washed for 3 days.

Each day is new, and some of those days are harder than others - especially when all these different 'characters' have to mix themselves into one. E.g. When 'sad Hol' has to walk round pretending she's 'happy Hol', that's where it starts to feel difficult and I can't differentiate between things anymore.

"Out of all the people I miss right now, I miss myself the most."

For the most part though, I don't mind pretending that I've got my shit together. I believe in 'faking it till you make it', and, well, if I have to fake it 99% of the time to make it, then so bloody be it.

I'm just hoping that soon, or at least one day, I wake up and it won't feel like everyday is Halloween - it won't feel like I'm playing a different character each day, and I'll just feel like 'Me'.

I suppose it's exciting to try and wake up everyday and try out a new way of being. Maybe it's all trial and error? 

If I don't like the costume I've picked this Halloween, there's always next year.


Nasty Gal & New Days

Today is a Monday morning and it's a new day.

Today I am waking up, and for the first time in a while, I'm not giving up.

I'm exhausted with the pain I'm causing myself; I'm exhausted by the way I've been feeling; I'm exhausted by the thought of how things used to be.

I'm just exhausted by it all.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

After weeks and weeks of ups and downs, today is a day where I forget about everything else that has happened. I forget about the things I've done, the things I've felt and the person I used to be.

Today, I move on. I move on as a person who wants to be happy, to be 'normal' and to live, rather than just existing in a whirlwind of crazy emotions all the time.

Today I take time to breathe: I'll do things I'll enjoy, I'll even do new things I've never done before.

Today is a new day for me.

A new clean page.

Who knows? Maybe I'll even stick on a sassy outfit, like I'm wearing here, and make myself feel all empowered and confident? Maybe I'll grab for my red lipstick and do my hair all pretty and nice? Maybe I'll sit and drink a cup of tea and binge watch a bit of The Big Bang Theory?

Either way, I'm just going to do whatever makes me feel okay.

I just want to feel at peace.

I want to not worry anymore.

I've spent far too long now caring about what people think.

I want to wear what I want, act how I want, live how I want, without constant worry over the affects or people's opinions.

I just want freedom from my thoughts.

"The change you want to see around you can only come when there is change within you."

So, if I want to stick on a bold pair of velvet knee high boots, or channel a bit of Sophia Amoruso in my Nasty Gal jacket, then I will. And, if I want to sit around in my pyjamas all day, then I'll do that too. That's the way I want it to be.

And I guess (not to start referencing the past), I just miss when fashion made me feel free, when life made me feel free. I miss when style was my way of expression and my way of saying 'I don't give a crap' or when I'd just be well and truly myself.

But, today is a new day.

Today is a clean page.

I'm going to put on a outfit I love, do what makes me happy, and I'm not going to give a crap.


Feeling At Home

"Don't force yourself to fit where you don't belong."

Sometimes I feel lost. I feel like I don't fit in.

Where I live, I find that you're either 'in' or you're 'out'. Even once you've left High School, gotten married, had a couple of kids, it still seems to be the case. And, to be honest with you, I don't want to live in a world like that. I don't like living in a world like that.

Don't get me wrong, my home is my home. I will always come back here and feel nostalgic and be reminded of different memories, but I don't think I 'feel' at home here. I don't feel free and comfortable and able to express myself as much as I should do.

I don't feel like this is somewhere that I belong.

However, let's take Manchester for example.

This wonderful city just has the ability to do something to me.

This city puts me at ease - I feel like I can finally be myself here.

I feel like I can strut through the streets in my stripey trousers, wear my bold red lips and shoot photos and stand posing in the rain. I feel free to dance about in the street without people looking at me like I'm a maniac, and I feel like I'm free to smile at strangers and them respond nicer than people who recognize me from our 5 long High School years together, but yet still choose to blank me like they've never seen me before in my life.

I feel at home in Manchester. Even though it isn't my home at all.

You see, sometimes home isn't actually your house or your bedroom, or even the place you grew up, but it's the place you first felt able to scream 'I'm Holly White and I'm not afraid to say it!!' at the top of your lungs, or the place you first felt able to wear your wackiest outfit or simply just the place you and your friends hang out the most. Home can be anywhere that you feel it is.


That's something I've come to realise. I can feel 'at home' when I'm not actually 'at home'.

I can be 'at home' in a fashion, or in a certain coffee shop. I can be 'at home' in a haircut or a lip colour. I can be 'at home' with a person, or by hearing a familiar sentence.

Home is literally where your heart is.

Home is literally where your heart is warm and fuzzy, where you feel relaxed and happy. And, well, if that's not your 'actual' home, then that's totally okay.
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