Sunday, 26 June 2016

I'm Eighteen!

I'm 18, can you believe it?! No? Me either!

I wanted to create a little blog post in homage to my 18th birthday and document a little bit of what I got up to so that I'll always be able to look back at this post and remember!

I kicked off my birthday celebrations on Tuesday when I headed out for a meal with 4 of my favourite people in the entire world, my Mum, Amanda, Hannah and Jodie. We met up at the Trafford Centre and headed to the restaurant Pesto for a lovely meal. It was so lovely to catch up with them all and it's literally my favourite thing when our families come together so it was just perfect! 

Then, on Friday it was my actual birthday, eeek! I began my birthday by waking up to our living room decorated with loads of decorations, which were just lovely and just what I'd wanted, and those huge number 18 balloons which I love! There were pom pom decorations hanging from the fireplace, embarrassing photos stuck to the walls and balloons filling the floor, there was even a silver balloon that spelled out 'yay' - very cute! I sat with my Mum, Dad and Brother and opened all of my lovely cards and presents, which I'm so so grateful for, and slowly took in the fact that it was actually my birthday and I was actually 18 haha - it just doesn't feel real!

I then spent my morning getting all dolled up and taking lots of selfies (lol you gotta get a good one on your bday) in time to head into to Manchester with my Mum and Dad for the day. 

In typical 'Holly' style, when we arrived at the train station, I came to the realization that I'd forgotten my bloody ID, doh! so we had to drive back and forth again haha, but I think I'm just so used to not being able to drink that I didn't think I'd need it hahaha. Anyway, we headed off on the train and went straight to Rosso where we had the most delicious meal and some lovely cocktails, and I showed my Mum and Dad all of the Snapchat filters, which was just the most hilarious thing!

After that, we visited Cloud 23 for another cocktail. I'd never been before so I was so excited and honestly, I was so happy when I arrived. We were seated by the window so we could see the amazing view and it was just so nice in there - I'll definitely be going back! I had a cocktail called 'Bittersweet Symphony' which was delicious and it was just so nice to sit there with such a lovely view and spend time with my Mum and Dad (I mean, how cute are those photos?). 

We then headed home and I got ready for the evening as I was off out for a meal at The Alchemist with my friends. I decided to go classic 'Hol' and wear my signature red lip and wear an all black outfit - you just can't go wrong doing that! 

My friends arrived and gave me some lovely presents- a few which made me a bit teary eyed haha - , which I'm so so thankful for and we then headed back into Manchester again. 

The Alchemist was amazing! I'd never been there before either but the atmosphere was just perfect and the service was so lovely and they made me feel so nice for my birthday! My friends got them to sing 'Happy Birthday' to me whilst I sat and cringed and I drank 3 delicious cocktails which I got ID'd for so obviously I felt super sassy when whipping out my ID and being like 'I'm 18, wooooo!' hahaha!

Finally, on Saturday evening I went for a family meal with my Mum, Dad and Brother at Piccalionos, which was so lovely too. It was nice to spend time just the four of us, even if I was completely exhausted from the day before lol and I had 'Happy Birthday' sung to me again whilst I sat and hid behind my hands.. #pleasedontlookatme hahahaha.   

I had a really nice day and I'm really grateful to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday so, thank you so so much if you did! Let's see what this first year of adult hood will bring, wahoo! 

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

Why Do Bloggers Hate The New Instagram Algorithm?

Recently, you may have noticed a lot of us bloggers complaining and moaning about the Instagram changes that have been put in place. Yes, that's right. I'm talking about the bloody Instagram algorithm. I think it's pretty obvious that the majority of people hate it and although once you've gotten used to it, you just kind of get on with it, it's something that's had a bigger impact on us bloggers than you might have thought.

You may be thinking - why does it all matter so much? And well, as a young blogger myself, my biggest and most popular social media platform is Instagram. I use Instagram to promote my blog posts, promote brands and share my life with people who are interested in it (I have no idea why, I'm not that interesting haha). And the algorithm is something that has caused huge ructions in all of that not just for me, but for many other bloggers who are trying to grow their little space on the internet too.

Back in February, almost every single one of my Instagram posts would receive at least 500 likes and a lot of them were receiving 1,000 likes. Now, fast forward to June and I sometimes struggle to even get 200 likes, despite the fact that I now have almost 10K more followers. And whilst a lot of people say not to focus on the numbers because yes, it's great that I have 20K Instagram followers but that doesn't necessarily mean to say that I'm the worlds best or worst blogger, these numbers are important to a blogger because they signify engagement with an audience, with readers and also are so crucial when it comes to growing your relationship with brands and companies and even being able to compare your growth in a years time.

Yes, of course it's great to see that your latest selfies has received 800 likes and it can be pretty shitty when one gets a minor 100 likes, but it's not the fact that we're reviving 'likes' that's important. What's important is the fact that 800 people have seen that photo and that 800 people have read the caption and noticed what brand your wearing or working with or promoting or have seen what you have to say. That's what is important. 

Obviously, if only 100 of your 20K followers seem to be seeing or responding to the image you're posting then you're bound to feel a little disheartened... but you're also going to start panicking, because WHERE ARE THE OTHER 19.9K? Where are these thousands of other people who used to see what you were saying and are actually interested too, because well, they follow you! 

A decrease in likes subsequently means there's also going to be a decrease in comments, which is honestly a really shitty feeling. As a blogger, I love engaging with people who enjoy my content. They're the people who make blogging worthwhile and have helped me to grow my blog to where it is today, so to suddenly have no one commenting and seeing what you're posting is actually a little bit heartbreaking. 

The algorithm has meant that now our Instagram timelines are no longer in chronological order (why god? why?!) which is another thing that is just a. freaking. nightmare. for bloggers. If I post an Instagram in the morning promoting my blog post that has also gone live in the morning and then people who are following me aren't getting to see that post until 11pm at night, then they're about 90% less likely to 1. have the time to go and read it 2. remember to read it another time and 3. even want to start reading when they're knackered after a long day. So, yeah, it pretty much sucks. 

By the way, there might be some bloggers out there that like the new algorithm or don't really care that much about Instagram at all - I'm not trying to bunch us all into one stereotype - but I'm just referring to the reaction that I've basically seen on Twitter and spoken to other bloggers about and well... it's not good. 

It's something that has really frustrated me because between February and now, my blog and me as a person have grown so so much but yet my biggest social media platform doesn't even show it and can't even remind me, if I were to look back, in the future of an accurate representation! I just think it's all a little disheartening. 

Instagram is still great if you're already surpassing 50K and have thousands and thousands of interactive followers but for people who are still growing... it's all just feeling very crap and, it's just taken all of the fun out it. 

Let me know how you feel about the algorithm down in the comments and also if you can see where I'm coming from as a blogger.

Now, I'm off to go and sit in a mood until Instagram changes back... *sobs*


Thursday, 16 June 2016

Celebrating 2 Years Of Holly Loves The Simple Things with Shoeaholics!

Two years! Two freaking years! How has that even happened?

Blogging has been an aspiration of mine for years. I've followed the journeys of bloggers/vloggers like Zoe Sugg, Sammi and Lily Pebbles from the very beginning back in 2009 and to now say that I'm on my way to turning my own little blog into a bit of a career, is crazy!

My blog has helped me piece my life back together and made me realise that if something doesn't make you happy, don't do it. Blogging makes me happy and that's what keeps me motivated.

Over the past year, blogging has created so many amazing opportunities for me. For example, in this post I'm able to collaborate with the amazing Shoeaholics website and show you these gorgeous Kurt Geiger heels and bag they kindly sent to me!

The Shoeaholics website features designers such as Kurt Geiger, Michael Kors, UGG and soo many more! But the best part is that these amazing pieces have up to 75% off their original price, eeek!

In this post I'm wearing these beautiful Miss KG heels and this fabulous glitzy Carvela by Kurt Geiger bag! I thought this was the perfect outfit to celebrate 2 years of my blog and just get a little bit dressed up and fancyyyy lookin'. I styled the two along with my fabulous, 20's style, dress from Zara and I think they all go so perfectly together!

I absoloutley adore the two pieces I chose from the site, but you'll have to take a look yourselves because there are so many amazing designs on there! And, be quick because with 75% off, things sell out fast and you don't want to miss out!

Anyway, continuing on from what I was saying...

Blogging has created amazing opportunities for me and I think even helped towards me becoming a model and building a name for myself. I've seen my instagram grow from 300 followers to now a huge 20,000 and I recently hit 1,000 Bloglovin readers which, is just insane!

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you ♥ and here's to another 2 years of blogging blogging blogging!

I love you allllll!

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Birthday Decor Ideas Inspired by Zoe Sugg

Basically, if you read my 'God Damn, I Love Birthdays' blog post then you will know that, I just kind of wish Zoe Sugg would come and decorate my house for my birthday haha! Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen, but it has inspired me to put together a post all about some decor ideas that I just love for birthdays (and any other occasion really too)! Sooooo, lets go!

Something that both I, (and Zoe) (lol I need to stop talking like she's my best pal), seem to absoloutley love are gorgeous hanging decorations and big birthday balloons.

Since seeing Alfie, Poppy and Sean decorate for Zoe's birthday back in 2015 (if you watch their vlogs, you'll know what I'm talking about, otherwise there's a little pic of it below), I have just been obsessed with how gorgeous those little hanging pom poms and bunting look. I think the colours they come in are just so pretty and they just give birthday decor that little bit of something more special than what you would usually see.

You can find these so so easily too! All I did was type into Google 'Pom Pom Birthday Decorations' and voila! Soooo many different options appeared! There are some super cheap options you can pick up on Ebay or there are more, I suppose what you'd call, 'higher end' ones from places like Oliver Bonas!

I love seeing a mixture of the different shapes and styles hanging together - the honeycomb, pom pom and fan shapes are my favourite! And I personally love the light blue, pink, orange, lilac and just simply, white shades together too. 

Here are some more 'higher end' options:
Pale Pink Honeycomb Garland - £2.50
White Honeycomb Garland - £2.50
Pastel Lantern Set - £5
Sorbet Paper Fans - £6
Pastel Pink Fans - £8
Honeycomb Ball - £1.70
Sorbet Honeycomb Mix - £6

Or Here are some super duper cheap ones you can pick up from Ebay:
Garland Decoration - up to £13 
Pastel Paper Fan Decorations - £6.50

And of course, here's some trusting fishing wire to hang them all with!
Fishing Wire - £4

In terms of balloons, you can't beat those big blow up number ones! (My Mum always does good in that department and has got me them for my past two birthdays (which is good because they look pretty on my instagram) *claps all round*) But as well as those, there seems to be a trend at the moment with getting the huge 'Happy Birthday' ones too, which are just sooo adorable. 

In the picture above you can kind of see what I mean! Again, they're just a little more exciting than your usual decorations that you can just buy at your local news agents or something! 

Here are a few that I've found:

And then, of course, there's just your classic cute balloons! Now, these usually drive me mad because when we have them at our house, my family always buy them without string so they just sit around on the floor and that does not please my 'incredible neat freak' persona in anyway at all... However, I think they are so adorable (and perfect for blog/insta pics) when they're bunched together with string!

Here are some cute pink ones like in the picture above:
And some white/clear ones too:
And of course, the ribbon to bunch them all together! 
Ribbon - £3

Last, but not least, here are just some other bits and bobs that I find completely adorable!


Thursday, 9 June 2016

God Damn I Love Birthdays

There's just something about Birthdays that I love. They mean so much to me and I love celebrating them, both other people's and my own. This year it's my 18th birthday and I am sooo bloomin excited. My past two birthdays have been pretty shitty and I've pretty much been dreaming of my 18th birthday since I was about 11, so I'm determined to make it pretty damn special (and yes, I will be dragging it out for the entire weekend, Mum and Dad). 

I've always pictured this huge celebration; surrounded by family and friends, embarrassing childhood pictures printed out and stuck on the wall, the huge number 18 balloons, zoella-esque decorations (I mean, how cute are the decorations she uses?), drinks all around - the whole works. (I also pictured a very tipsy night out to top it all off too, but that's not really the important part haha) And although everything on that list might not all be able to go to plan, now that I've finally reached the ripe age of 17 years 11 months and 15 days old, I'm still very much determined to make this one of the most amazing birthdays for me to remember.

Birthdays to me signify a celebration of a particular person. Like, say it's my friend Hannah's birthday, I kind of think of it as a day to celebrate all about Hannah. I want to make them a cute card, get them a present that they'll love, make them laugh and help them celebrate as much as I possibly can. That's what I love to do. I think it's just nice to spoil that person on their day!

Now, to some of you, I probably sound like a birthday obsessed lunatic, because I know that there are some people out there that really just don't care too much about birthdays. I think birthdays definitely do get a little less exciting as we get older. I mean, it's not like I'm able to throw a Party Bus party (did you all have those?) or invite all my friends round and play Pin The Tail on the Donkey (although, that does sound incredibly fun, especially if Vodka was involved.) However, I really do love to just celebrate them!

I'm hoping that I don't come across as selfish when wishing for this amazing 18th birthday, but I'm sure there are lots of you reading that can kind of see why I am doing so. I mean, 18 is a big birthday to celebrate, am I right?! I can finally just go to the shop and buy what I want or walk into a club without nearly breaking into a sweat in-case I hear the words "ID please". Also, it means that my parents have successfully raised me to be a fully grown human being. I mean, well done guys! *pat on the back* and finally, for me, it means that I didn't give up when things got really tough. I've struggled through a lot despite only being 17, but I kept going and I made it to this point now and to a point in my life that I honestly didn't know if I would make it to.. but I'm here and very ready to celebrate it.

So, bring on my 18th birthday! Bring on the drinks, the love, the laughter, the friends, the family, the embarrassing photos, the big balloons, the birthday meal, the throwback playlists, the special birthday dress, the millions of Facebook messages that I'll need to reply to so that I don't seem rude (lol)... bring it on!

Ps/ I've got a few birthday-themed posts coming up because I just can't resist haha!

Sunday, 5 June 2016

How I Run My Instagram Account

I remember when I first started using Instagram, I would just post whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I never thought that, one day, Instagram would become part of a career I was trying to pursue, never mind the fact that I'd be running it almost like a business.

Instagram is a huge part of the blogging world and today I thought I'd give you a little look into how I run my Instagram account and why I find it useful to do the little things that I do! Currently, I find the key to Instagram success is to plan ahead. I like to plan my posts about a week in advance, that way I'm always on top of my content. The way that I do this works in steps *kind of*, so let's go through them, shall we?

1. First of all, I will have already taken my outfit/blog photos. I find that taking them in bulk (around 5 outfits) works best and gives me about 2 or 3 weeks worth of content. I'll usually go through, edit them, put them in order of what needs to go first, bla bla bla. Then, I'll download them from Dropbox onto my phone.

I organise my Instagram on the app VSCO and therefore, need to have access to my blog photos on my phone. Dropbox is a great way to import photos from your computer to your phone and visa versa as it simply allows you to save the photos to your Camera Roll.

2. Second of all, I also try and stock up on other Instagram photos such as flat lays or cute pictures I've stolen from Pinterest/Tumblr. These are great for posting inbetween outfit photos or on days that you haven't got other content going up.

3. The next step is to plan my feed and figure out a posting order. Now, weirdly, I schedule my blog posts off of what day I will be able to post the outfit on my Instagram account. This is because my Instagram is my most popular account and therefore has the most interaction. So, what I do is import an outfit photo into VSCO, put it in an order with all the other photos which works and looks aesthetically pleasing and then work out which day that photo will be going up on. I then head to my blog and schedule the post for the coherent date.

After I've figured out what day I will be posting the first outfit on. I will then begin to import other images (usually 4-6) into VSCO to figure out what days these will also be going up on. Some of these photos (say, a flat lay including a product sent to me by a brand) might need to go up on specific dates, so I always take that into consideration however, other than that, I just put them in an order that looks pretty haha.

Once I've ordered around 4-6 photos after my first blog photos on VSCO, I then import the next outfit and basically repeat the process. This means that there's always a few days gap between my outfit posts but there's still content to be posted and fill up my Instagram!

4. Then, really all that there is left to do is ensure that these images are then posted on the correct dates. This means, that even if I'm at the gym looking like a sweaty mess, I might have an Instagram picture to post that talks about my brand new outfit on my blog, (where I do not, indeed, look a sweaty mess.)

I pretty much just make sure that no matter what I'm doing or what happens, that the particular image that needs to go up, goes up. I've often been in situations where what I'm posting on Instagram, literally has nothing to do with what I'm doing in real life but at the end of the day, if something (especially sponsored work) needs to go up, it needs to go up or else I find things become incredibly un-organised (and I'm an organised freakkkkkk). I've even been having a major meltdown before and suddenly had the thought 'shit, I need to post that instagram' hahaha.

As well as making sure I'm posting on the right dates, I also have to ensure that I'm posting at prime times for engagement. I find that posting at specific times allows my images to get more 'likes and comments' compared to just posting willy nilly. There are apps such as Iconosqaure that are able to analyse your account and give stats about what times of day you receive the most engagement (pretty handy huh?) but I've also just found that if you think about what times of day people are most likely to be checking their phone (eg, first thing in the morning before work, at lunch and after work/school in the evenings) then that's a great way to figure out when to post too!

5. When posting Instagram photos, I also have to ensure that I'm tagging, hashtaging and mentioning the things that need to be mentioned. For example, if it's an outfit, I will often tag the brands that I'm wearing, accounts which share other people's outfits such as '@ootdsubmit' or accounts that work with affiliate links like '@wearisma'. I will also hashtag words such as '#fbloggers' or #ootd', which are relevant to the photo and I will then also be sure to include my blog URL and the name of the outfit post. That way, nothing is missed out!

Hopefully this all made some sense and can give any of you other Bloggers or Instagrammers out there a little idea of how I personally run things, but I do also think it's good to just have fun with Instagram sometimes too! I don't always stick to this religiously ... I'm just very organised haha!

Let me know what sort of things you do to plan out your instagram down in the comments and whether it's as much as a military operation as mine!

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Half Way Through

It's already half way through the year..wait, what? I know, I know, where has the time gone? But, today I thought it'd be cool to reflect on the goals I had set for myself back in December in my Goals for 2016 post and see whether I've actually achieved any of them (this could be heart breaking haha)

1. To Continue Blogging
Well, it's pretty damn obvious that I kept at this isn't it?! I love my blog and wouldn't give it up for anything right now. I actually recently decided that I am ready to start improving things here over on Simple Things and that includes some better blog photos, a better blog design and more advice and life story posts because you seem to love those.. soo keep an eye out!

2. Modelling
Okay, so I'm definitely still modelling....

Back in February I made a big decision to leave my previous agency, which was terrifying for me to do. However, I knew things weren't right for me and so I had to trust my gut.

I had actually been scouted by IMM down in London in around October 2015 but didn't actually end up being signed to them until February this year when I went down for a test shoot. When I'd first been to meet them last year, I was clueless and couldn't model to save my life but by February I was so much more comfortable in front of the camera. After the test shoot, I headed to the agency and they handed me a contract there and then to be signed to their Mainboard of girls. I was so scared at the thought of it at first but so so excited at the same time. (I cried on the phone to my Mum in the taxi back to Euston haha). Now I've been signed to them for almost 5 months and I couldn't be happier. They are the most caring and wonderful agency in the world and am so so happy I took a leap and signed with them!

So far this year I've been to my first ever castings, had test shoots with amazing Photographers in London and even shot something with the BBC and Lisa Eldridge, which is crazy! I just can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings!

3. Happiness and Laughter
I have definitely laughed this year..maybe not as much as I thought I would, but I'm still pretty happy! I think this year has just flown by and I'm still in the process of trying to figure things out. I have a feeling that the summer has a lot of laughter and fun in store for me though. I'm really looking forward to it!

4. Family Time
Okay, if I'm honest, I'm still totally struggling with this. I'm just a total introvert and isolating myself is just something I can't help but do. However, I have started to think of different ways to fix this and I guess that's a step!

5. Friendships
I love my friends to pieces and am so so excited to spend a fabulous Summer with them (and still don't want the day that they're all going to leave for Uni to come *sheds single tear*)! In terms of new friends, I haven't necessarily made any, but I have met some new people and also pushed myself out of my comfort zone in attempt to make new friendships and that will do for me!

6. Treat My Parents
Still thinking of this... still not had the dollars to act on it...

7. Make My Room Pretty
My room is definitely a lot more organised however, it's definitely still not as pinterest-worthy as I would like and so I think it's about time I gave it a little more TLC and turned it into a super pretty creative space!

8. Party Party Party
My 18th birthday is at the end of the month and I couldn't be more excited! I've been dreaming of my 18th birthday since I was about 11. It's a really important birthday for me and I totally think I deserve to celebrate A LOT considering my last two birthdays were riddled with anxiety and I spent my 17th birthday watching Jurassic World at the cinema (wild Hol, wild...). I'm just ready for embarrassing old photos, cheesy birthday badges and lots and lots of alcohol!

9. Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down
Basically, if you think the fact that I have a blog is funny or the fact that now I'm a model is completely obscene... I. don't. fucking. care. (excuse my language but it just gives it some emphasis ya know)

10. Buy A Scratch Card
Yep, still not done this... haha

11. Find A 'New Look'
Weirdly, this came incredibly natural to me. I didn't even think about it all too much, but one day I was just like 'nah, I'm not bothering with these silly eyebrows any more' and voila! my 'New Look' was born.

I'm so comfortable within my face now (as weird as that sounds lol). I go out the house bare faced literally all the time and don't even bother concealing spots any more. I'm me, this is my face and I really don't care if you don't like it! :-) (that smiley face is meant to be hella sarcastic)

12. Get Fit
Back in February, I joined the gym and it's something I have wanted to do for years but have always been terrified to do. However, almost 5 months on and I'm still going strong and actually really enjoy going. I think there's definitely some improvement - I have slightly visible abs and am probably a lot stronger! More than anything though, it just helps me get out the house and started for the day! (ps, gyms are not as scary as you think once you've been once or twice!)

13. Get Out The House More
I think I definitely do this. I walk to gym most mornings and just take in my surroundings and it's so peaceful. I also started learning to drive, so I get to drive around sometimes too, which is nice!

14. Watch Hella Films
I've certainly been to the Cinema quite a bit but I think I'm still lacking in watching some older films I've missed out on. It's just so hard not to be consumed by Jane The Virgin right now.... (I AM OBSESSED)

15. Live
I'm still living... and trying harder and harder every day to live life more and more! *pats self on back*

Saturday, 28 May 2016


Lately, I've been feeling, what I would say is, the loneliest that I have ever felt. I know that a lot of my loneliness has to do with the fact that I am an introvert, I know that. Like most bloggers, I spend a lot of time on my own, doing my own thing and I actually love it most of the time. I enjoy my own company, I love doing my own thing and I love having my own head-space to just think about stuff. But, unfortunately, unless I'm alone, keeping myself busy with blogging odds and jobs, then this overwhelming feeling of isolation tends to take over. At the end of the day, I really do spend about 90% of my life alone. My parents both work, my brother's at University and my friends are all at College and super busy getting on with all their own stuff. So, how can I deal with how lonely I am? Well, that's a question that I'm really struggling to answer.

I guess, first of all, I just really want to vent about just how lonely I feel I am at the moment. Actually, it's probably more of a 'need' than a 'want' because I've not really had anywhere else to get these thoughts and feelings out (that's why I've taken to the good ol' blog to get it off my chest).
I like being alone when I'm trying to get 'my stuff' done. When I'm shooting outfits or writing blog posts, I don't like people popping in and distracting me - that's my time and I like having time to myself, don't we all? But, like I said, I don't ever feel that lonely when I'm keeping myself busy with jobs. It's more when the day is done and I'm sat in my silent bedroom watching people's Snapchat stories of them and their friends at college or singing in the car on a night out that it hits me. 'Why am I so lonely right now?'

I feel like I've become an irritation to people, I feel like people think I'm a loser and I feel like people are just bored with me. When I sit and think about it all, I get this kind of pang of pain in my chest that feels like... well, the only way I can think of describing it is like, my heart is breaking (as completely pathetic and cliché as that is). Even when I was so depressed that I was thinking of ending my life, I don't think that I felt this isolated.

I feel like a total d*ck writing this because I know that I do have people in my life, I'm not 100% alone...but it feels like I am quite a lot of the time. I guess it's maybe because I feel like I don't really know who to talk to any more or what to necessarily talk about. I know there are people there, but I don't know if they do want to talk to me or whether I just bore them because I can't keep up with what they're talking about. I feel like I'm just completely out of the loop, you know? I don't know the latest gossip, I don't know 'Ben from Chemistry' or 'Sue from around the corner' (both entirely fictional because who the hell are Ben and Sue???) and I certainly don't know the inside joke that everyone's giggling about. I seem incredibly lost.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I put blame on people because of that, I really really don't. Other people's lives goes on, even if your's is kind of at a stand still, and there's nothing that can change that.

I do worry though that everyone is beginning to think 'What is she actually doing with her life? She needs to get herself together' and let's be honest, they probably are. I mean, everyone is heading to Uni, getting jobs, moving out, making new friends and I'm here, still kind of stuck in the past. And that makes me think, maybe everyone's just ready to leave me behind?

I just don't know how to act any more a lot of the time. I'm constantly just thinking 'this person doesn't like me any more' or I'm beginning to feel like I'm so easily replaceable - like I don't have a solid place in anyone's hearts or life any more - like I just lift right out. I don't think I've ever felt like that before.

And then I begin to question, is it because I've changed? Am I not 'Me' any more?

I know that I'm not the same person I used to be, no one stays the same especially going from 14 to 18 years old...that'd be weird. But it's almost like I've lost a sense of who I am. I'm not really sure what my personality is sometimes or how to act around people - I have no idea. And, if given the question, how people would describe me in 3 words or anything like that... I wouldn't know where to start and I'm not even sure they'd know what to say either.

It's such torture in my mind though because I can be so incredibly lonely and yet I still sometimes push people away. I'll get invited to things and just think 'oh, they don't really want me there' or I'll feel like I'm intruding because I'm not that much a part of what's going on. It's almost like self-sabotage... but I have mental illness to blame for that *rolls eyes*.

It's not so easy for me to be a social butterfly and relax as much as when before my life kind of flipped upside down... but god damn do I try. I try so bloody hard. But trying so hard all the time starts to make me feel like I'm this outsider that maybe everyone just feels a bit sorry for. Maybe I'm not really a part of anything?

I guess that what this whole feeling of isolation stems from, is distance. (I'm basically just realising this right now whilst writing... how poetic..)

I don't feel close to people or connected to people any more because I'm basically not.
I don't get up everyday and head to college or work and interact with people, I don't know who people are talking about in conversations because I've never even seen them, never mind met them, and I don't know the personal jokes and anecdotes because I'm not there to make them with. I'm not there and that's why I feel like I'm fading into the background. It's because I am.

Now, I think there's a huge difference between being alone and loneliness. I like being alone, but I don't like being lonely. I spend hours by myself because I like my own company, especially when I'm at home. But the reality is, sometimes when I reach for my phone to write a text or make a phone call and I feel like I don't know who to talk to without feeling like an irritation, that's the kind of being alone that hurts and when it becomes 'loneliness'.

Again, that makes me feel like such a d*ck because, I do text people or call them but I can't seem to do it without feeling like they'd rather I didn't or panicking that I'm just doing their head in.

It just makes me sad, because I remember how things used to be and I miss it. I used to be so much more free and just went with the flow and that is just so hard now. And I know that everyone moves on and things change but I don't think I ever thought that a part of that change would be this feeling. I love the people in my life so so much that it just breaks my heart that I feel distant from them and that things inevitably have to change. Again, don't get me wrong, things have changed in my life too, but not as drastically and I think I'm just struggling to keep up and so scared I'm going to loose all of these people from my life that I love so much.

The thing is, I can except change, it's not really that. I've dealt with so much change over the past two years, but I just don't know if I'm ready to move on from certain things yet. (oh gooodddddd, too. many. emotions. urgh.)

There's probably no structure to this post, or substance or anything really but I just had to put it all into words because it has been eating and eating away at me. I don't even know if this will get published because right now it's just sitting in my drafts for me to just keep adding and adding to every time I feel a little low. It feels good to get it out and off my chest though.

Maybe if I do publish this, someone will be able to relate? I don't know. You'll all probably think I'm a mad woman haha. I will say this though... if you do feel alone, you can talk to me, any time. ♥

Thursday, 26 May 2016

Lace & Coral

How gorgeous is this Zara top? GORGEOUS, right?! Plus, it's pink... again! haha. I am so sorry for the crazy amount of pink going on on my blog at the moment but I just can't help myself, I'm just really diggin' it.

Anyway, today's outfit consists of the beautiful top in question, this pretty little In The Style skirt and then my nude boots from my absolute favourite, Public Desire. The colours in this outfit are just so pleasing to my pink and neutral obsessed soul at the moment. The pop of corally pink against the more nude tones is just perfect!

What kind of colours are you obsessed with at the moment? Pink like me or something completely different? I'd love to hear if it's just me or it's something everyone seems to be going through haha!
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