Lately, I've been feeling, what I would say is, the loneliest that I have ever felt. I know that a lot of my loneliness has to do with the fact that I am an introvert, I know that. Like most bloggers, I spend a lot of time on my own, doing my own thing and I actually love it most of the time. I enjoy my own company, I love doing my own thing and I love having my own head-space to just think about stuff. But, unfortunately, unless I'm alone, keeping myself busy with blogging odds and jobs, then this overwhelming feeling of isolation tends to take over. At the end of the day, I really do spend about 90% of my life alone. My parents both work, my brother's at University and my friends are all at College and super busy getting on with all their own stuff. So, how can I deal with how lonely I am? Well, that's a question that I'm really struggling to answer.
I guess, first of all, I just really want to vent about just how lonely I feel I am at the moment. Actually, it's probably more of a 'need' than a 'want' because I've not really had anywhere else to get these thoughts and feelings out (that's why I've taken to the good ol' blog to get it off my chest).
I like being alone when I'm trying to get 'my stuff' done. When I'm shooting outfits or writing blog posts, I don't like people popping in and distracting me - that's my time and I like having time to myself, don't we all? But, like I said, I don't ever feel that lonely when I'm keeping myself busy with jobs. It's more when the day is done and I'm sat in my silent bedroom watching people's Snapchat stories of them and their friends at college or singing in the car on a night out that it hits me. 'Why am I so lonely right now?'
I feel like I've become an irritation to people, I feel like people think I'm a loser and I feel like people are just bored with me. When I sit and think about it all, I get this kind of pang of pain in my chest that feels like... well, the only way I can think of describing it is like, my heart is breaking (as completely pathetic and cliché as that is). Even when I was so depressed that I was thinking of ending my life, I don't think that I felt this isolated.
I feel like a total d*ck writing this because I know that I do have people in my life, I'm not 100% alone...but it feels like I am quite a lot of the time. I guess it's maybe because I feel like I don't really know who to talk to any more or what to necessarily talk about. I know there are people there, but I don't know if they do want to talk to me or whether I just bore them because I can't keep up with what they're talking about. I feel like I'm just completely out of the loop, you know? I don't know the latest gossip, I don't know 'Ben from Chemistry' or 'Sue from around the corner' (both entirely fictional because who the hell are Ben and Sue???) and I certainly don't know the inside joke that everyone's giggling about. I seem incredibly lost.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I put blame on people because of that, I really really don't. Other people's lives goes on, even if your's is kind of at a stand still, and there's nothing that can change that.
I do worry though that everyone is beginning to think 'What is she actually doing with her life? She needs to get herself together' and let's be honest, they probably are. I mean, everyone is heading to Uni, getting jobs, moving out, making new friends and I'm here, still kind of stuck in the past. And that makes me think, maybe everyone's just ready to leave me behind?
I just don't know how to act any more a lot of the time. I'm constantly just thinking 'this person doesn't like me any more' or I'm beginning to feel like I'm so easily replaceable - like I don't have a solid place in anyone's hearts or life any more - like I just lift right out. I don't think I've ever felt like that before.
And then I begin to question, is it because I've changed? Am I not 'Me' any more?
I know that I'm not the same person I used to be, no one stays the same especially going from 14 to 18 years old...that'd be weird. But it's almost like I've lost a sense of who I am. I'm not really sure what my personality is sometimes or how to act around people - I have no idea. And, if given the question, how people would describe me in 3 words or anything like that... I wouldn't know where to start and I'm not even sure they'd know what to say either.
It's such torture in my mind though because I can be so incredibly lonely and yet I still sometimes push people away. I'll get invited to things and just think 'oh, they don't really want me there' or I'll feel like I'm intruding because I'm not that much a part of what's going on. It's almost like self-sabotage... but I have mental illness to blame for that *rolls eyes*.
It's not so easy for me to be a social butterfly and relax as much as when before my life kind of flipped upside down... but god damn do I try. I try so bloody hard. But trying so hard all the time starts to make me feel like I'm this outsider that maybe everyone just feels a bit sorry for. Maybe I'm not really a part of anything?
I guess that what this whole feeling of isolation stems from, is distance. (I'm basically just realising this right now whilst writing... how poetic..)
I don't feel close to people or connected to people any more because I'm basically not.
I don't get up everyday and head to college or work and interact with people, I don't know who people are talking about in conversations because I've never even seen them, never mind met them, and I don't know the personal jokes and anecdotes because I'm not there to make them with. I'm not there and that's why I feel like I'm fading into the background. It's because I am.
Now, I think there's a huge difference between being alone and loneliness. I like being alone, but I don't like being lonely. I spend hours by myself because I like my own company, especially when I'm at home. But the reality is, sometimes when I reach for my phone to write a text or make a phone call and I feel like I don't know who to talk to without feeling like an irritation, that's the kind of being alone that hurts and when it becomes 'loneliness'.
Again, that makes me feel like such a d*ck because, I do text people or call them but I can't seem to do it without feeling like they'd rather I didn't or panicking that I'm just doing their head in.
It just makes me sad, because I remember how things used to be and I miss it. I used to be so much more free and just went with the flow and that is just so hard now. And I know that everyone moves on and things change but I don't think I ever thought that a part of that change would be this feeling. I love the people in my life so so much that it just breaks my heart that I feel distant from them and that things inevitably have to change. Again, don't get me wrong, things have changed in my life too, but not as drastically and I think I'm just struggling to keep up and so scared I'm going to loose all of these people from my life that I love so much.
The thing is, I can except change, it's not really that. I've dealt with so much change over the past two years, but I just don't know if I'm ready to move on from certain things yet. (oh gooodddddd, too. many. emotions. urgh.)
There's probably no structure to this post, or substance or anything really but I just had to put it all into words because it has been eating and eating away at me. I don't even know if this will get published because right now it's just sitting in my drafts for me to just keep adding and adding to every time I feel a little low. It feels good to get it out and off my chest though.
Maybe if I do publish this, someone will be able to relate? I don't know. You'll all probably think I'm a mad woman haha. I will say this though... if you do feel alone, you can talk to me, any time. ♥