Feeling When You Can't Feel

"I don't feel a thing."

This is something that repeats itself over and over again in my brain.

"I don't feel a thing."


I know where it stems from, I mean, I was depressed - I learnt to block out any emotion, to feel numb, to disassociate and to hide from the world. I felt lost and unsure, and I used to describe it as if I was trapped in a bubble and suffocating and I couldn't get out.

I'm not in that bubble anymore - I'm very happy to say that. I can say that I'm not deep in the depths of my Depression or suffocating or lost. But, why do I still not feel anything? Have I become cold? Am I a bitch? What the hell is going on in my mind?

It's scary that I don't really remember what it's truly like to feel. I don't know how it feels to laugh really fucking hard or even cry really fucking hard. It's as if I've become unable to process the idea that emotions are even meant to occur inside of me.

What are emotions? Are they even real? Do other people feel nothing like I do? Are they faking it too?

Anything I could question about this, I've questioned it all. I've wondered whether I'm still really depressed and I'm just lying to myself; I've wondered whether I've turned into a cold hearted bitch or turned into someone that hates the world.

But, the thing is, I'm not. I'm not as depressed as I was, no where near it, and there's no way that I could hate the world: I'm the kind of airy fairy person that sits in silence, appreciating the sound of birds outside her window and highlighting sentences from the books she reads. I think the world can be so beautiful. But, I guess, maybe I am cold? Not necessarily a 'bitch', but yeah, maybe I'm a cold person.

"It's okay to admit that your wounds are still open. It takes time. It takes time."

Maybe my Depression has made me unable to empathize, to delve into that part of myself where all the emotions lie.

I can't access that feeling you get when you nearly piss yourself laughing with your friend anymore, or the emotion to get my heart racing or adrenaline pumping. It's like it's just gone.

The only adrenaline or emotion I seem to allow myself to feel is worry, or stress or exhaustion, which is why it's so difficult not to think that I'm still feeling the lowest of the low. But, I just know that I'm not. I'm not.

I'm okay. That's probably the only way that I can describe it. I am okay.

And, I know that there is emotion inside of me. I do sometimes feel it. A little bit of 'piss your pants' laughter might slip out or I might get super excited over something. But the feeling fades so quickly, that it really is like it's almost not there anymore.

But, it is. It is there. I'm not going to stop believing that it is.


I think I've just blocked myself access from it all. My body, my brain, are so afraid of getting hurt or feeling anything other than anxiety or overwhelming stress, that it just won't let me access those other emotions anymore. It doesn't want me to get hurt by the adrenaline or feel the come down after a high of laughter. It doesn't want me to miss people or love people, because people can hurt you, people can hurt me, and my brain doesn't want that.

I guess it's all just one big defensive mechanism. I'm protecting myself after years of feeling so terribly shit. I'm not allowing myself to feel so terribly shit anymore.

But, I wish my mind would realise that emotions aren't all bad.

I'm often in situations where I know I should be feeling some kind of way, and it's almost like I can feel the emotion trying to get out, but then my mind completely suppresses it. It's like a ball of laughter is bubbling up inside of me, ready to truly burst out, so that I don't have to do that fucking fake laugh that I do so often, and then, it just doesn't. The laughter doesn't come.

Oh, what I would give to be 11 years old, sat with my friend Han on MSN and just completely wet myself laughing until I cried. I've not felt that in so so long.

This all sounds so sad, but it's so true.

"Grab hope with both hands and run."

I think one day, I will be able to feel it all again, right? I think something has got to happen in my life, something has got to come along and change it, or I've got to change it, I've got to make it happen.

For now, I guess I've just got to try my god damn hardest to feel what I can. To draw out the emotions I want to feel and let myself bloody feel it.

I just want to feel.


An Abundance of Press Days

Hello hello hello you lovely bunch! It's been a very long time since I've written a blog post in this way.

Back in the day, my blog posts were very informal, super chatty and pretty damn relaxed, whereas a lot of the time now, my posts are a lot more like articles, stories, essays and so, today I thought we'd go back in time a bit, have a bit more of a chit chat and see what I've been getting up to recently!

I've been Little Miss Busy Body at the moment: travelling back and to to London, attending events and press days, having meetings - when did I become such a business lady, hey?

Today's post is just going to fill you in on some of the events and things I've been to and heard about over the past couple of months, so hopefully, you enjoy! (ps, this is going to be very photo heavy, but when are my posts not anyway? haha)

1. Christian Louboutin Beauty Launch

So, first up we have the Christian Louboutin beauty launch that I attended back at the end of March. This was the unveiling of some absolutely stunning products.

The beauty counter was just gorgeous - even the granola and yogurt that they were serving to us was picture perfect. Everywhere was very gold-orientated and looked very luxurious.

Once the products were shown to us, it was very clear that this 'luxury' style was reflected in the product packaging.

Each of these are so completely individually amazing. The Ink Liner is so exciting and fun - I love the bold red colour it comes in (I was kindly gifted this, so have to been giving it a whirl myself!) and the mascara is just BEAUTIFUL. Everything from the packaging to the product inside is so opulent - it makes me feel like something from a fancy French film aha!

2. Arcadia A/W17 Press Day

Next up we have the Arcadia A/W17 Press Day.

I was so so excited to finally get to attend one of these! I've been invited to lots of them previously, but had never been able to get down to London before, so this was super exciting for me!

For those of you who don't know, Arcadia includes brands such as Topshop, Dorothy Perkins, Miss Selfridge and Wallis.

Now, with this press day, I was expecting to be hit with a lot of monochrome and autumn maroon shades however, I was so so pleased to see that bold colours and floral prints are going to be staying with us throughout the colder months.

I was particularly impressed with Miss Selfridge - they had a gorgeous pink faux fur jacket and blue patent skirt that I fell head over heels in love with, as well as some insane red patent knee high boots - soooo cool!

Dorothy Perkins had some gorgeous coats - I'll be keeping my eye out for those too, for sure!

3. Topshop Beauty 

Whilst at the Arcadia Press Day, I popped in to see the lovely ladies at Topshop beauty (who I also met at the Christian Louboutin event!). They showed some of the fab bits that they have at the moment, including the gorgeous nude range of lipsticks which came out back in March.

Amongst their gorgeous set up, there was lots of glitter and glitz, which is just perfect for festival season, as well as the winter festivities as we head into the colder months. However, I was particularly drawn to the lip kits that they had, after seeing the drawing (see above) which basically depicted my own face and my everyday, signature make up look haha!

I was told that they created this look using the lip kits with the lip stain and then blotting the lips with the mattifier to create a more subtle, soft and natural look. They also come with optional glitter to add on top too!

I was kindly gifted two lipsticks from the nude range, as well as one of the gorgeous smoke sticks that they have for eyes, so I can't wait to get testing those!

4. Smashbox

I met up with the lovely Clemi and Hannah from Smashbox a couple of weeks ago, and we had a lovely meeting together, discussing some exciting ideas that (once I feel like I can breathe underneath all the work I'm doing at the moment haha) I can't wait to get started on!

They showed me the new Smashbox Spotlight Palettes that they have and even had their makeup artist test it out on me! And, FYI, it's amazing guys! I've been obsessed with using it ever since!

5. Push PR Press Day

Second to last, I got to attend the lovely Push PR Press Day too!

I had such a lovely time at this event, simply because everyone there was so bloody lovely to me! From the moment I was in the lift up to the event, to the minute I left, I was surrounded by kind, friendly and helpful people, and I just adore that.

Anyway, enough gushing from me!

Here I got see a great mixture of fashion, stationery and beauty. It include brands that I just fell in love with such as kikki.K, People Tree and 3INA (who I am actually working with, yay!)

kikki.K is one of those brands that I think everyone is just obsessed with. I mean, who doesn't love pretty stationery? If you haven't heard of it before, definitely check it out!

People Tree is the only brand to carry the fair-trade mark, which is totally amazing! They had some gorgeous pieces, some of which had been influenced by pieces of artwork and including some fab bold colours.

3INA is probably the thing which excited me the most. I love quirky and colourful make up looks, and 3INA has something launching at the end of the year, which is just AMAZING. Keep your eyes pealed!

6. Boohoo A/W17 Press Day 

Last but not least, we have the Boohoo A/W17 Press Day!

Here, I finally got to meet the lovely (and equally as weird as me) Sabrina Carder from Young Eccentric, as well as the gorgeous PR, Faith!

Boohoo have some amazing pieces for A/W, just as expected! I fell in love with a bright orange bomber jacket that they have, as well as a military jacket and those amazing red patent boots, which you can see above!

They are also going to be stocking pieces from Nasty Gal, how bloody fab is that?! And, so, of course, I had an obligatory 'I'm a Nasty Gal... just kidding, I'm a dead nice gal' photo underneath the name haha!

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