I think I've always been a bit of a competitive person. I've always liked the idea of being really good at what I do and the idea of 'winning', I suppose. The thing is, it never used to be to a degree where I would genuinely non-stop think about it. 
Sometimes, nowadays, I think I really struggle with the idea of not being 'the best' or 'good enough'. I keep getting these overwhelming feelings of envy when I see people doing well, but it's soooo weird because I don't actually think I'm envious - I actually tend to feel incredibly happy for others when I see them doing well, yet the emotion that my body feels just doesn't correlate with that. It's like my mind is saying 'Oh wow, that's amazing YOU GO GIRL!' and yet my body is sent into 'panic mode' and I suddenly feel extremely threatened and all the self-doubt sets in. 

I've had a lot of moments like this recently and it has really started to upset me. I don't want to constantly feel threatened and panicky when I see people around me succeeding. At the end of the day really, I'm not threatened - I know that someone else's success doesn't lessen mine. 

I've sat through these feelings, trying to figure out where they're coming from and it just hit me - I don't know why I hadn't realized it.
All these jealous and competitive feelings reminded me of how I used to feel at my lowest point. My lowest point when I would be stood on a scale, staring at myself in the mirror, being able to see my rib cage and spine, and yet telling myself I was the most hideous fat creature there was.
These feelings are coming from my lack of self worth and my inability, most of the time, to see that I'm not a total failure.

For my entire life, I have compared myself to others. I have told myself I would never be No.1 and I will always be lesser than everyone else. I never used to win things, and to be honest, I don't think I've ever come first in anything. I was never picked first in PE or made 'team leader', I was never really 'popular' - even when I was trying to claw my way into that crowd, and I was often told, many a time, just how 'not good enough' I was. I was called 'fat' and 'ugly', teased by older lads who also picked on my brother and I was basically never made to feel like I could be worth something. 

Don't get me wrong, my Mum constantly told me that I was worthy and talented, but let's face it, no one hears what their Mum is actually telling them until they're about 16 and it's too late to put most of the advice into context. 
Anyway, yes, I was just never really given the chance to have even an inch of self-confidence. It's only really now, in the past year, that I've finally realized my self-worth. 

You see, when you've spent so so so long feeling incredibly worthless, the moment that you realise that actually, you might have smidgen of worth, it's very very hard to not feel scared that it will be taken away from you. I think that's why I get threatened. I get threatened when someone else is being called 'pretty' or gets an amazing blogging collaboration because suddenly I just feel 'ugly' again and like I'm failing.
When someone is doing the same job or wearing the same things as me, and it seems like they're just absolutely killing it or looking insanely beautiful, it's like I revert back to all of the feelings I used to feel when I was that chubby teenage girl or that 'ill' girl that couldn't match the number on the scale to what she was seeing in the mirror. 

I think because of the fact that I went from being this kind of 'nobody', 'loser' character to someone who's doing something a bit out of the ordinary and also, very luckily, fell into a profession which is known for 'looking good', I feel a huge sense of envy if I don't feel like i'm 'winning' at it. It finally feels great to feel 'beautiful' sometimes or to feel 'successful'. If I don't feel like i'm doing 'the best' at blogging or being the 'prettiest I can be' in modelling, I can genuinely feel worthless.
That doesn't mean to say that I'm not happy for people when I see them doing well, because I totally am. The amount of times I see my blogger gals doing amazing things and i'm just like 'YES GIRL!' is wayyy too many to count and whenever I see models I know on websites or make up stands, I just feel so giddy for them. But, I guess it can just seem to trigger this part of my head that sends me into a 'I'm a failure' spiral.

I have to spend so much of my time trying to convince myself not to be envious or upset by things - it can really drain me. I've got all these conflicting emotions of happiness and jealousy and it's just like what am i even feeling?! 
It's not just even me that needs to convince myself to feel okay though. I feel like without reassurance from others that I'm 'doing good' or that I'm 'attractive', that basically, I'm not. I'm not 'doing good' or 'attractive'.

I feel like I have to keep up appearances now. I feel like I can't fall back on my game. I feel like I have to constantly 'do good' and 'look good'. I basically just put a lot of pressure on myself.
I don't want to be the 'fat' kid who never gets picked first anymore, I want to be the sassy Model/Fashion Blogger that I now get to be. I want to be 'beautiful' and to achieve amazing things. I want to inspire and influence and for people to tell me they love what I do. I want to know that I'm at the front of the race and not in last place and that I'm no longer the 'failure' I used to be.

Maybe, that's what this is all is. It's all just a competition with my inner self and not necessarily with the people around me. Or, maybe I am just a complete and utter competitive bitch... who knows? Nonetheless, I'd like to stop feeling like this or to at least know if any of you can relate to this weird mixture of feelings I get. Let me know (but don't let me know if you don't because I'll just get jealous of you. lol)

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