these moments away from you are heavy

weighted

like a tonne of bricks balanced on each shoulder

difficult to shake off

isolated 

alone

left only with my thoughts to keep me company

I long for the days where I could hold your hand and pour my heart out to you

my glass half empty, becoming a glass half full

it's the little things

I've noticed

like the way you make a cup of tea when I'm sad

or the way you look at me like no one else looks at me

I miss spending days in bed like it's the only place we ever need to be

and feeling your hands brush through my hair as I fall asleep

daydreaming about the future

laughing about the present

nothing right now can fill that void

nothing can compare to the feeling of home you give to me

it's just very heavy right now

this feeling

the feeling of missing you 

I don't ever want to be away from home again

ever

• May 07, 2020
• Poetry

This Feeling Of Missing You

these moments away from you are heavy

weighted

like a tonne of bricks balanced on each shoulder

difficult to shake off

isolated 

alone

left only with my thoughts to keep me company

I long for the days where I could hold your hand and pour my heart out to you

my glass half empty, becoming a glass half full

it's the little things

I've noticed

like the way you make a cup of tea when I'm sad

or the way you look at me like no one else looks at me

I miss spending days in bed like it's the only place we ever need to be

and feeling your hands brush through my hair as I fall asleep

daydreaming about the future

laughing about the present

nothing right now can fill that void

nothing can compare to the feeling of home you give to me

it's just very heavy right now

this feeling

the feeling of missing you 

I don't ever want to be away from home again

ever

Read more »

For reasons sunk deep

I know I may never love myself

I know my head will always be in turmoil

I no longer understand whether this is because of how I feel other's perceive me or because of how I perceive myself

I believe it may be both

Though no matter what I believe

I am left to feel it in suffocating desolation.

I feel like my head is clouded by this one specific notion:

I will never be good enough. 

• January 09, 2019
• Poetry

Suffocating Desolation

For reasons sunk deep

I know I may never love myself

I know my head will always be in turmoil

I no longer understand whether this is because of how I feel other's perceive me or because of how I perceive myself

I believe it may be both

Though no matter what I believe

I am left to feel it in suffocating desolation.

I feel like my head is clouded by this one specific notion:

I will never be good enough. 

Read more »

manipulate

mould

shape me

make me what you want

abuse 

mistreat

confuse

confuse love with the way you twist and turn me into what you'd rather have

what you'd rather have

I cannot be

I cannot be that

• November 15, 2018
• Poetry

Shape Shifter

manipulate

mould

shape me

make me what you want

abuse 

mistreat

confuse

confuse love with the way you twist and turn me into what you'd rather have

what you'd rather have

I cannot be

I cannot be that

Read more »

Let me tell you how I feel

without really telling you

let me tell you what you want to hear 

let me split my mind in two

let me keep my stories short

keep them to myself

let me mellow out my emotions

the descriptions, my mental health

let me push down my personality

let me shield you from the truth

I swear to god, I'm so vanilla

no need to introduce..

the honesty about myself

just listen to my lies

everything about me is vanilla

I'm sorry I can't moralize

the rights and wrongs of what I'm doing

this doesn't feel like it's wrong

it's just a self made protection

that's been there for way too long

let me hide my ideas, my dark thoughts or even my moments of joy

because I just don't want to bore you

I can't bare that I even toy

toy with your emotions, or mess with your ideas

so I keep myself vanilla

I have for years and years

• October 22, 2018
• Poetry

Vanilla

Let me tell you how I feel

without really telling you

let me tell you what you want to hear 

let me split my mind in two

let me keep my stories short

keep them to myself

let me mellow out my emotions

the descriptions, my mental health

let me push down my personality

let me shield you from the truth

I swear to god, I'm so vanilla

no need to introduce..

the honesty about myself

just listen to my lies

everything about me is vanilla

I'm sorry I can't moralize

the rights and wrongs of what I'm doing

this doesn't feel like it's wrong

it's just a self made protection

that's been there for way too long

let me hide my ideas, my dark thoughts or even my moments of joy

because I just don't want to bore you

I can't bare that I even toy

toy with your emotions, or mess with your ideas

so I keep myself vanilla

I have for years and years

Read more »

A thing I've come to realise

after so long of worrying and the indecisive thoughts

I owe you nothing 

I owe you nothing and I ought

I ought to think about myself more

consider other people's opinions less

as to, why does my value decrease?

just because to you I'm not your best

option

why should I be an option?

I am not a choice

You have me or you can hate me 

I'm entitled to my voice

sick

sick of being silent 

silencing my screams and the pain I've come to feel

forcing myself to be something, do something

being made to feel like I'm no longer real

numb

empty

as I let your hands grab me and take what you want 

my personality, my emotions, my passions

all they began to do was haunt

haunt me like a ghost

something I'd left behind

because I felt I owed you everything

everything, from my body to my mind

now, a different story

something I've come to realise

I truly owe you nothing

especially not the tears from my tired eyes

I truly owe you nothing

another person's taught me that

it's me or it is sweet fuck all

from the rolls on my stomach, to my nonsense I call 'chat'

I owe you nothing

I never did owe you a thing

as much as I felt I had to change, to mould, to melt into your needs 

I owe the world nothing

no more cries, worries or pleads

pleads 

to make someone love me

to make myself fit in

to make myself more 'perfect'

to make myself more thin

I owe you nothing

I never had to

I never did

I owe myself more than this

every stupid minute I wasted

waiting

waiting 

for someone to love me

even just my own mind

I owe myself more than this

to my body, to be kind

I owe myself more than this

I've torn myself apart

I owe myself nothing but

to go back to the very start

to have someone remind me

remind me of who I am 

to bring back everything I thought I owed the world 

and place it in my hands

to tell me I owe you nothing 

to cement it in my mind

I truly owe you nothing

I was completely. fucking. blind.

• October 14, 2018
• Poetry

I Owe You Nothing

A thing I've come to realise

after so long of worrying and the indecisive thoughts

I owe you nothing 

I owe you nothing and I ought

I ought to think about myself more

consider other people's opinions less

as to, why does my value decrease?

just because to you I'm not your best

option

why should I be an option?

I am not a choice

You have me or you can hate me 

I'm entitled to my voice

sick

sick of being silent 

silencing my screams and the pain I've come to feel

forcing myself to be something, do something

being made to feel like I'm no longer real

numb

empty

as I let your hands grab me and take what you want 

my personality, my emotions, my passions

all they began to do was haunt

haunt me like a ghost

something I'd left behind

because I felt I owed you everything

everything, from my body to my mind

now, a different story

something I've come to realise

I truly owe you nothing

especially not the tears from my tired eyes

I truly owe you nothing

another person's taught me that

it's me or it is sweet fuck all

from the rolls on my stomach, to my nonsense I call 'chat'

I owe you nothing

I never did owe you a thing

as much as I felt I had to change, to mould, to melt into your needs 

I owe the world nothing

no more cries, worries or pleads

pleads 

to make someone love me

to make myself fit in

to make myself more 'perfect'

to make myself more thin

I owe you nothing

I never had to

I never did

I owe myself more than this

every stupid minute I wasted

waiting

waiting 

for someone to love me

even just my own mind

I owe myself more than this

to my body, to be kind

I owe myself more than this

I've torn myself apart

I owe myself nothing but

to go back to the very start

to have someone remind me

remind me of who I am 

to bring back everything I thought I owed the world 

and place it in my hands

to tell me I owe you nothing 

to cement it in my mind

I truly owe you nothing

I was completely. fucking. blind.

Read more »

"These mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb"

I need to empty my mind.

I have baggage which I need to unpack.

I have memories, feelings, that are always at the forefront of everything else inside me.


My thoughts spiral. I overthink. There's not a day where I don't feel suffocated by emotion or confused by my conflicting perceptions.

I go through phases, sometimes believing one thought over another or letting one memory get to me more than it should.

I convince myself I'm free, but I have skeletons in that closet that I wish to bury deep.


It's familiar. It's comfortable. I'm happy to waive through it.

I tell myself it's a part of me, a part I can't let go of, but my tired eyes, my tired mind, say quite the opposite.


It drags me down. I'm sinking.

I only have two hands, two hands to carry the weight.

Although I am strong, stronger than I seem, I will soon crumble. I will crumble to my knees.

I am good at smiling.

I am good at faking it through my wide blue eyes.

I will convince you, and myself, that it will all be fine.

It will all be fine.

But, then the days comes where I'm crashing down and I ask myself, I wonder, why did I lie?


Sometimes I am true.

Sometimes I am confused.

I am just seeking balance, something I've never known how to use.

"When you're at the bottom, there's no where to go but up"

But, I will start to unpack.

I will start to unload the memories, the feelings and the forefront of everything inside of me.

I will feel a light-headedness as the calming breeze fills my mind and my feet lift off of the ground.


I will learn, with my only two hands, to empty my outlook of my heavy ideas, my heavy perceptions and to let go.

I will learn to let go.

• July 31, 2017
• Poetry

The Baggage I Can't Let Go Of

"These mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb"

I need to empty my mind.

I have baggage which I need to unpack.

I have memories, feelings, that are always at the forefront of everything else inside me.


My thoughts spiral. I overthink. There's not a day where I don't feel suffocated by emotion or confused by my conflicting perceptions.

I go through phases, sometimes believing one thought over another or letting one memory get to me more than it should.

I convince myself I'm free, but I have skeletons in that closet that I wish to bury deep.


It's familiar. It's comfortable. I'm happy to waive through it.

I tell myself it's a part of me, a part I can't let go of, but my tired eyes, my tired mind, say quite the opposite.


It drags me down. I'm sinking.

I only have two hands, two hands to carry the weight.

Although I am strong, stronger than I seem, I will soon crumble. I will crumble to my knees.

I am good at smiling.

I am good at faking it through my wide blue eyes.

I will convince you, and myself, that it will all be fine.

It will all be fine.

But, then the days comes where I'm crashing down and I ask myself, I wonder, why did I lie?


Sometimes I am true.

Sometimes I am confused.

I am just seeking balance, something I've never known how to use.

"When you're at the bottom, there's no where to go but up"

But, I will start to unpack.

I will start to unload the memories, the feelings and the forefront of everything inside of me.

I will feel a light-headedness as the calming breeze fills my mind and my feet lift off of the ground.


I will learn, with my only two hands, to empty my outlook of my heavy ideas, my heavy perceptions and to let go.

I will learn to let go.

Read more »