Let me let you in on a little secret... I have no idea what I'm doing.

Yep, that's right, I'm completely and utterly clueless.

For a long time I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't know if I wanted to be a teacher, an actress, a plumber, a builder, a writer, a porn star (this one's a joke)... I just felt lost. I thought that once I'd found my calling, I'd finally feel like I knew what I was doing. I thought that I'd be organised and I'd be an 'adult'. But well, Holly of the past, I'm sorry to break it you, but it just doesn't work like that.


Weirdly, I guess I would say that I have 'found my calling'. Blogging and Modelling are definitely something that I want to turn into my full time jobs one day (even though it's pretty much what I do now, I don't earn enough to pay my own bills lol). Even if that doesn't work out though, at least I know that I love being in a creative field and I've learnt some valuable lessons. However, the thing is, I spend all of my time thinking 'am I doing this right?' 'is that what she does or what they do?' 'should I know what that is?' 'should I have one of those?' 'do I look like an idiot?' and it just leaves my brain in one big mush.

I think about things like money and I instantly just get this gut feeling that screams 'YOU ARE SO UNORGANISED' or 'girlll... put the shoes down and walk away' and it leaves me feeling like I'll never know anything about it. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I know the money that I have, I know the money that I spend and I know the money that I'm owed, but at the same time, I just look at it all like 'huh?' and it's like things start moving in slow motion (#shook). People bring things up like taxes or VAT and I just sit there thinking 'what???', and it scares me. Will I ever be able to 'adult'?

I am already Little Miss Super Organised And Punctual (wouldn't that make a great Mr Men character? No?), but this year, I want to be organised in a different sense: I want to feel like I know what I'm doing; I want to understand money, I want to be more professional, I want to feel like a bad-ass business gal - I want to make shit happen. I guess I'm just a bit tired of feeling like I'm wandering without any idea of what's actually happening.

I know that a lot of you out there will relate... I mean let's be real, does anyone really have any idea of what they're doing? or are we all just 'winging it'? because I'll be honest, I'm totally 'winging it' right now. Nevertheless, don't you think it'd be nice to feel like you weren't? To feel like you were actually 'adulting'?


I suppose the word 'adulting' is a weird one (and not just because it's not even a real word) (I'm not even sure if I should define myself as an 'adult' yet, or am I still a 'teenager'?). Just because I'm an 'adult' (or a 'teenager' lol), does that mean I should know everything, be organised, move out of my parents house, go and live in a big city working for a huge corporate company or something, like an adult should? I don't know. Either way, I work for myself most of the time and that means I need to be a bit more clued up about things, which is absolutely terrifying.

Still, if you don't know what you're doing, don't worry, I don't think anyone really does. Just take each day at a time and try to keep on top of whatever it is that you are doing. It is so scary to feel like you're lost and not going anywhere, but, as I always say, things will always work themselves out - they have to!

Thanks again to Joe Galvin for these fabulous photos! How cool are they?! Check out his website here!

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