Mirrors, photographs and videos, they're all such a major part of my life, yet they all make my head feel like such a huge jumbled mess sometimes.
One of my most popular blog posts (in fact, I think it might actually be my most popular) is Body Dysmorphia: A Forever Changing Reflection. I felt incredibly proud of that post - a lot of people found it helpful, others found it insightful since they had no concept of the topic and lots of you shared it and helped me in spreading awareness of what Body Dysmorphia is all about.

It's no doubt that Body Dysmorphia is a part of my life. More often than not however, I'm incredibly capable of handling it. That for no moment at all, of course, means that I can't have moments where I feel unbelievably confused and like I'm seeing a million different perceptions of myself.


I was chatting with my Mum the other day when the topic came up. I remember mentioning how often I can see a photo of myself and think 'Oh, is that what I look like?' because when I look in a mirror I tend to see something that's the complete opposite of that photo.

I think something that people don't tend to touch on in terms of this topic, is how your perception of yourself changes not just when you see your reflection in a mirror, but when you look at an image or video or even look at your body just simply by facing downwards towards your toes. Every different angle changes the way that I see my body and the way I'll feel about it.
It's also not always the idea of thinking that you're 'fat' or parts of yourself are 'too big'. There are times when I see myself at an angle where I think 'Wow, is that really how slim I look?!' and I'm not thinking of it in a positive way. Sometimes I see myself looking a little 'too thin' and can think that I look just as 'ugly' as when I see myself as 'too fat'.

When I look in a mirror I can feel so so confused - especially considering a lot of mirrors can make you look a different height or shape just due to the bloody glass they use (lol, mind fuck, am I right?). I know for a fact that my bedroom mirror can actually make me look a little shorter and stumpier than I appear in real life, so I always keep that in mind when I'm looking in it. I also know that the mirrors in the ladies toilets at Euston Station are actually quite flattering and I never feel bad when I look in those, whereas the mirrors in most Zara changing rooms make me feel like an ogre and like I should never try on a piece of clothing ever again.

When I see photos of myself, it often depends on what camera is used to take the photo to make me feel a certain way about the image. If a photo is taken on an I Phone camera, I'll often like what I see and think I look pretty nice, whereas sometimes when bigger DSLR cameras are used, I can think I look horribly frumpy or that my face looks X 100000 'fatter'... I suppose it can also depend on the lens that gets used too.

Videos are where I can get incredibly mixed up sometimes. For example, when I film lookbook videos for my YouTube channel, my body just looks nothing like what I think it does in the mirror. I often think my figure looks pretty great on video footage, but I'm not ever sure whether it's the video or the mirror reflection that has the true depiction of myself.

It's a total brain farty life to lead hahaha (beautiful use of words hol), but I've definitely learnt to live with it!


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JASON DAVIS

It's funny to think that I'm actually not too sure of what I look like, yet pretty much everything I do in my life involves images of myself or videos or mirrors. I think the fact that my life is filled with constantly seeing myself at different angles or in different formats, just means that I've had to trust the words of other people and oddly, that's actually helped with the way that I now see myself.

Of course, there are always going to be times where I look at a photo and think 'Oh hell no' or try on a piece of clothing and think 'nopeeeeee' but compared to the days where I'd stand in front of my mirror for hours, tearing my appearance down, things have definitely changed.
I find myself feeling more and more comfortable in my skin day by day, and yes, it may only be by 0.1% each day, but at least there's progress. It's great that I can know if my mind is warping my perception on a bad day or if I'm completely over analyzing what I look like, because I used to just think I would be living my life feeling like this shape shifter and never really 'seeing' myself.

As someone going through something like this, you really do just have to put your faith in other people. Yes, I might continuously repeat the question 'are you really sure?' when I ask my Mum if I should upload a certain photo of myself and she tells me it's 'beautiful', but eventually, I'll just trust in her opinion and post it. Situations like that have made me realise that what we see when we look at ourselves, isn't what others will see. Other people don't focus in on all of our flaws and tear us down, other people see all the positive and amazing features that we have, that we ourselves never take notice of. It causes you to think a little more positively about everything because we can just be so so harsh and judgmental on ourselves that sometimes listening to what other people perceive us as, can make us realise that maybe we're not that bad after all...

Perception


Mirrors, photographs and videos, they're all such a major part of my life, yet they all make my head feel like such a huge jumbled mess sometimes.
One of my most popular blog posts (in fact, I think it might actually be my most popular) is Body Dysmorphia: A Forever Changing Reflection. I felt incredibly proud of that post - a lot of people found it helpful, others found it insightful since they had no concept of the topic and lots of you shared it and helped me in spreading awareness of what Body Dysmorphia is all about.

It's no doubt that Body Dysmorphia is a part of my life. More often than not however, I'm incredibly capable of handling it. That for no moment at all, of course, means that I can't have moments where I feel unbelievably confused and like I'm seeing a million different perceptions of myself.


I was chatting with my Mum the other day when the topic came up. I remember mentioning how often I can see a photo of myself and think 'Oh, is that what I look like?' because when I look in a mirror I tend to see something that's the complete opposite of that photo.

I think something that people don't tend to touch on in terms of this topic, is how your perception of yourself changes not just when you see your reflection in a mirror, but when you look at an image or video or even look at your body just simply by facing downwards towards your toes. Every different angle changes the way that I see my body and the way I'll feel about it.
It's also not always the idea of thinking that you're 'fat' or parts of yourself are 'too big'. There are times when I see myself at an angle where I think 'Wow, is that really how slim I look?!' and I'm not thinking of it in a positive way. Sometimes I see myself looking a little 'too thin' and can think that I look just as 'ugly' as when I see myself as 'too fat'.

When I look in a mirror I can feel so so confused - especially considering a lot of mirrors can make you look a different height or shape just due to the bloody glass they use (lol, mind fuck, am I right?). I know for a fact that my bedroom mirror can actually make me look a little shorter and stumpier than I appear in real life, so I always keep that in mind when I'm looking in it. I also know that the mirrors in the ladies toilets at Euston Station are actually quite flattering and I never feel bad when I look in those, whereas the mirrors in most Zara changing rooms make me feel like an ogre and like I should never try on a piece of clothing ever again.

When I see photos of myself, it often depends on what camera is used to take the photo to make me feel a certain way about the image. If a photo is taken on an I Phone camera, I'll often like what I see and think I look pretty nice, whereas sometimes when bigger DSLR cameras are used, I can think I look horribly frumpy or that my face looks X 100000 'fatter'... I suppose it can also depend on the lens that gets used too.

Videos are where I can get incredibly mixed up sometimes. For example, when I film lookbook videos for my YouTube channel, my body just looks nothing like what I think it does in the mirror. I often think my figure looks pretty great on video footage, but I'm not ever sure whether it's the video or the mirror reflection that has the true depiction of myself.

It's a total brain farty life to lead hahaha (beautiful use of words hol), but I've definitely learnt to live with it!


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JASON DAVIS

It's funny to think that I'm actually not too sure of what I look like, yet pretty much everything I do in my life involves images of myself or videos or mirrors. I think the fact that my life is filled with constantly seeing myself at different angles or in different formats, just means that I've had to trust the words of other people and oddly, that's actually helped with the way that I now see myself.

Of course, there are always going to be times where I look at a photo and think 'Oh hell no' or try on a piece of clothing and think 'nopeeeeee' but compared to the days where I'd stand in front of my mirror for hours, tearing my appearance down, things have definitely changed.
I find myself feeling more and more comfortable in my skin day by day, and yes, it may only be by 0.1% each day, but at least there's progress. It's great that I can know if my mind is warping my perception on a bad day or if I'm completely over analyzing what I look like, because I used to just think I would be living my life feeling like this shape shifter and never really 'seeing' myself.

As someone going through something like this, you really do just have to put your faith in other people. Yes, I might continuously repeat the question 'are you really sure?' when I ask my Mum if I should upload a certain photo of myself and she tells me it's 'beautiful', but eventually, I'll just trust in her opinion and post it. Situations like that have made me realise that what we see when we look at ourselves, isn't what others will see. Other people don't focus in on all of our flaws and tear us down, other people see all the positive and amazing features that we have, that we ourselves never take notice of. It causes you to think a little more positively about everything because we can just be so so harsh and judgmental on ourselves that sometimes listening to what other people perceive us as, can make us realise that maybe we're not that bad after all...


It's definitely fair to say that over the past month or so, things haven't felt that great for me. I'm not saying that I've felt so bad that I can't go on and I'm going to be wallowing in self pity forever, but I've, for certain, felt a lot happier than I have been feeling. Rather than writing about the negative feelings for once however, today I'm going to try and focus on more positive things.



JACKET - RAGGED PRIEST

There are a couple of things in life that really give me an overwhelming sense of happiness and although, yes, life should probably just be 'happy' all round, my life hasn't always been that easy. That's why I always feel so so so incredibly grateful for those 'couple of things' that really make me smile.

Number one is my family. Most of the time I tend to push my family away. It's not intentional, I think it's just a form of protecting myself and a fear of not being understood. Even though, my family are probably the most understanding bunch of nutters you'll ever meet. It's more of a subconscious thing than anything. However, there are definitely certain moments that just make me feel so overwhelmingly grateful for having them in my life.

With my brother for example, you couldn't meet two siblings who had less in common than him and I, but there are these moments where we just sit and chat and it's so clear that despite being like chalk and cheese, we understand each other. We don't talk about our hobbies or anything necessarily, but just life and how it's treating us. We've both been dragged through the mud quite a lot of times haha.

With my Dad, we're incredibly similar when it comes to our temper. We both get so angry over tiny things or if people say the wrong thing. It's funny, but we really are total stress heads... There are moments with my Dad that just give  me a sense of 'everything is okay' because I think one of my biggest worries is letting him down. It's moments where he starts showing people my blog and my instagram or even videos from my YouTube and going 'look, look how many followers she's got though!' that I'm reminded that my Dad is proud of me and believes in what I'm doing. Also, the fact that not everyone's Dad would basically sacrifice anything the way that my Dad does, just makes me appreciate everything a lot lot more.

Finally, with my Mum.. she's my best friend. I know that I can go to my Mum for everything. She might not constantly 100% get what I'm feeling, but I know that she tries to. She's done a lot of things for me and listened when i've needed someone to vent to. But there are just small little moments that we have together that just make me feel really warm and fuzzy inside. Like, the moment where she was laughing so hard about something (I can't even remember what) outside a restaurant on our trip to Brighton that everyone who could see her through the restaurant window started laughing too or the little chats we have in coffee shops on our days out where I feel like she really 'gets' what I'm talking about. My family is just pretty cool (but also pretty weird, because we're a bunch of weirdos haha)



TOP - RAGGED PRIEST & JEANS - RAGGED PRIEST

Number two is modelling. Modelling has given me so so so much confidence. I'm not saying that I'm some super sassy girl who constantly thinks 'I'm amazing!' but compared to the shell of person I used to be, I've come a long bloody way. It's pushed me out of my comfort zone, shown me that despite telling myself that I'm the most hideous creature on the earth for like the past 11 years, that actually, my ugly mug might not actually be too ugly. It's helped me conquer anxiety through travelling from place to place and helped me meet so many lovely people along the way too. It's something that I really want to pursue. I know that, for sure. I've just got to take the next big steps to do it now and keep reminding myself that this is something that has brought me so so far in such a short space of time. I often scare myself out of doing things, mostly due to anxiety and what not, but I don't want to keep doing that when I could be doing something I really really enjoy!




Number three is my blog and YouTube. I won't talk too much about these two because you've heard it all before, but one thing that makes me so happy about my little place on the internet is not only all of the amazing opportunities it's given me, the lovely people I've met and your amazing comments, but also the way that it has taught me to accept myself.

When I started my blog and YouTube, I was in the early stages of recovery and was a total recluse. Whilst I was ill, I'd deleted my Facebook, barely went outside, and just wanted to disappear. Nowadays, I'm just like 'HELLO HERE I AM, YES I MAKE VIDEOS AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET. HI, YES, I'M THAT WEIRD COLLEGE DROP OUT GIRL HIIIIIII'. I honestly, just don't care for anyone who thinks it's remotely funny, because at the end of the day, I'm getting to do what makes me happy.

As well as that though, it's also helped me to realise I don't have to hide behind my ridiculous drawn on eye brows or masses of mascara, I'm happy to just be bare-faced me and accept myself in that sense too. I can sit and watch a video of myself and not cringe at the thought of 'everyone i know' watching it or panicking about what people think - it's very nice actually haha.




Number four has got to be seeing images or capturing videos of myself where I am well and truly laughing. (Thank you Ema Crompton for always being able to do this!!) Whenever I see a photo of myself laughing, it reminds me just how much I want to feel like that constantly but also just how far I've come from a point where I actually never smiled at all. In my recent vlog (which you can watch here), there are so many moments of me laughing that I actually cried happy tears whilst watching it back. I'm just so genuinely happy in it. Seeing myself happy, makes me happy.


So there you go, that's just a few things that keep me feeling positive even when I'm having a moody month or two. Let me know down in the comments what keeps you going when you're in a slump and what moments you're all grateful for - I'd love to know!

Also, I hoped you liked seeing this shots from my recent shoot with Ema. Let me know if you'd like me to feature more of the images I have from shoots on my blog because I'm never really sure whether you'd like to see or not, but these photos are just so cute and a little bit different since they were shot on film so I thought, why not share them!

Shop this post here:


Smile Like You Mean It



It's definitely fair to say that over the past month or so, things haven't felt that great for me. I'm not saying that I've felt so bad that I can't go on and I'm going to be wallowing in self pity forever, but I've, for certain, felt a lot happier than I have been feeling. Rather than writing about the negative feelings for once however, today I'm going to try and focus on more positive things.



JACKET - RAGGED PRIEST

There are a couple of things in life that really give me an overwhelming sense of happiness and although, yes, life should probably just be 'happy' all round, my life hasn't always been that easy. That's why I always feel so so so incredibly grateful for those 'couple of things' that really make me smile.

Number one is my family. Most of the time I tend to push my family away. It's not intentional, I think it's just a form of protecting myself and a fear of not being understood. Even though, my family are probably the most understanding bunch of nutters you'll ever meet. It's more of a subconscious thing than anything. However, there are definitely certain moments that just make me feel so overwhelmingly grateful for having them in my life.

With my brother for example, you couldn't meet two siblings who had less in common than him and I, but there are these moments where we just sit and chat and it's so clear that despite being like chalk and cheese, we understand each other. We don't talk about our hobbies or anything necessarily, but just life and how it's treating us. We've both been dragged through the mud quite a lot of times haha.

With my Dad, we're incredibly similar when it comes to our temper. We both get so angry over tiny things or if people say the wrong thing. It's funny, but we really are total stress heads... There are moments with my Dad that just give  me a sense of 'everything is okay' because I think one of my biggest worries is letting him down. It's moments where he starts showing people my blog and my instagram or even videos from my YouTube and going 'look, look how many followers she's got though!' that I'm reminded that my Dad is proud of me and believes in what I'm doing. Also, the fact that not everyone's Dad would basically sacrifice anything the way that my Dad does, just makes me appreciate everything a lot lot more.

Finally, with my Mum.. she's my best friend. I know that I can go to my Mum for everything. She might not constantly 100% get what I'm feeling, but I know that she tries to. She's done a lot of things for me and listened when i've needed someone to vent to. But there are just small little moments that we have together that just make me feel really warm and fuzzy inside. Like, the moment where she was laughing so hard about something (I can't even remember what) outside a restaurant on our trip to Brighton that everyone who could see her through the restaurant window started laughing too or the little chats we have in coffee shops on our days out where I feel like she really 'gets' what I'm talking about. My family is just pretty cool (but also pretty weird, because we're a bunch of weirdos haha)



TOP - RAGGED PRIEST & JEANS - RAGGED PRIEST

Number two is modelling. Modelling has given me so so so much confidence. I'm not saying that I'm some super sassy girl who constantly thinks 'I'm amazing!' but compared to the shell of person I used to be, I've come a long bloody way. It's pushed me out of my comfort zone, shown me that despite telling myself that I'm the most hideous creature on the earth for like the past 11 years, that actually, my ugly mug might not actually be too ugly. It's helped me conquer anxiety through travelling from place to place and helped me meet so many lovely people along the way too. It's something that I really want to pursue. I know that, for sure. I've just got to take the next big steps to do it now and keep reminding myself that this is something that has brought me so so far in such a short space of time. I often scare myself out of doing things, mostly due to anxiety and what not, but I don't want to keep doing that when I could be doing something I really really enjoy!




Number three is my blog and YouTube. I won't talk too much about these two because you've heard it all before, but one thing that makes me so happy about my little place on the internet is not only all of the amazing opportunities it's given me, the lovely people I've met and your amazing comments, but also the way that it has taught me to accept myself.

When I started my blog and YouTube, I was in the early stages of recovery and was a total recluse. Whilst I was ill, I'd deleted my Facebook, barely went outside, and just wanted to disappear. Nowadays, I'm just like 'HELLO HERE I AM, YES I MAKE VIDEOS AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET. HI, YES, I'M THAT WEIRD COLLEGE DROP OUT GIRL HIIIIIII'. I honestly, just don't care for anyone who thinks it's remotely funny, because at the end of the day, I'm getting to do what makes me happy.

As well as that though, it's also helped me to realise I don't have to hide behind my ridiculous drawn on eye brows or masses of mascara, I'm happy to just be bare-faced me and accept myself in that sense too. I can sit and watch a video of myself and not cringe at the thought of 'everyone i know' watching it or panicking about what people think - it's very nice actually haha.




Number four has got to be seeing images or capturing videos of myself where I am well and truly laughing. (Thank you Ema Crompton for always being able to do this!!) Whenever I see a photo of myself laughing, it reminds me just how much I want to feel like that constantly but also just how far I've come from a point where I actually never smiled at all. In my recent vlog (which you can watch here), there are so many moments of me laughing that I actually cried happy tears whilst watching it back. I'm just so genuinely happy in it. Seeing myself happy, makes me happy.


So there you go, that's just a few things that keep me feeling positive even when I'm having a moody month or two. Let me know down in the comments what keeps you going when you're in a slump and what moments you're all grateful for - I'd love to know!

Also, I hoped you liked seeing this shots from my recent shoot with Ema. Let me know if you'd like me to feature more of the images I have from shoots on my blog because I'm never really sure whether you'd like to see or not, but these photos are just so cute and a little bit different since they were shot on film so I thought, why not share them!

Shop this post here:



Hello hello hello! Today I have a very beauty orientated post for you all!

Lancome recently sent over lots of the their new releases (you might have heard me mention it in my vlog over on my YouTube channel www.youtube.com/c/HollyWhitee) and today I thought I'd give you a bit of a low down on all of them as well as a bit of a mini review! So... let's go!



The Grandoise Liner (retails between £20-£25) 

This handy dandy little liner is perfect for getting at the right angle when applying your signature cat eye or simply lightly lining your lash line, due to it's brilliant bendable handle. Apparently, Lisa Eldridge worked on making sure that the liner mimicked the exact slant to create the perfect line. The handle can be bent in both directions, meaning it's great for use on either eye and the formula itself it perfectly opaque and great for long wear. It also comes in 3 different shades: Carbon Black, Deep Brown and Sapphire Blue.

Now, I'm no eye-liner expert but when I gave this a go, I found it much easier to apply than your standard liner. The bendable handle definitely helps with getting a more accurate and tidy application which is something I usually struggle with. I'd definitely say that if you're into your eyeliners then you should certainly check this out!



The Teint Idole Cushion Foundation (retails between £20-£30)

A cushion foundation is not something that I'd normally want to try out in all honesty. I much prefer your average liquid foundation that I can just plonk on and go (sorry, the word 'plonk' probably doesn't belong in a beauty review). However, I was definitely willing to give this a go.

This foundation is said to offer high coverage whilst still remaining light and airy on the skin and honestly, I think it definitely does the job. The formula is gorgeous and despite being high coverage, still seems to leave the skin with a lovely glow. It feels almost quite nourishing and incredibly gentle which is something that you wouldn't usually find in a product that can cover up impurities so so well.

Buy it HERE



The Cushion Blush Subtil (retails at £28)

This blush is said to give a fresh feel and have intense pigments which, boy oh boy, it definitely does. The colour is insanely vibrant and you only need a small amount to get that soft and healthy flush to the cheeks. It's really nice and blendable due to it's 'wet' feel and comes in a lovely little compact piece of packaging.

Buy it HERE


You can shop all of the products in this post here:


Lancome New Releases: The Grandoise Liner, Teint Idole Cushion Foundation & Cushion Blush Subtil


Hello hello hello! Today I have a very beauty orientated post for you all!

Lancome recently sent over lots of the their new releases (you might have heard me mention it in my vlog over on my YouTube channel www.youtube.com/c/HollyWhitee) and today I thought I'd give you a bit of a low down on all of them as well as a bit of a mini review! So... let's go!



The Grandoise Liner (retails between £20-£25) 

This handy dandy little liner is perfect for getting at the right angle when applying your signature cat eye or simply lightly lining your lash line, due to it's brilliant bendable handle. Apparently, Lisa Eldridge worked on making sure that the liner mimicked the exact slant to create the perfect line. The handle can be bent in both directions, meaning it's great for use on either eye and the formula itself it perfectly opaque and great for long wear. It also comes in 3 different shades: Carbon Black, Deep Brown and Sapphire Blue.

Now, I'm no eye-liner expert but when I gave this a go, I found it much easier to apply than your standard liner. The bendable handle definitely helps with getting a more accurate and tidy application which is something I usually struggle with. I'd definitely say that if you're into your eyeliners then you should certainly check this out!



The Teint Idole Cushion Foundation (retails between £20-£30)

A cushion foundation is not something that I'd normally want to try out in all honesty. I much prefer your average liquid foundation that I can just plonk on and go (sorry, the word 'plonk' probably doesn't belong in a beauty review). However, I was definitely willing to give this a go.

This foundation is said to offer high coverage whilst still remaining light and airy on the skin and honestly, I think it definitely does the job. The formula is gorgeous and despite being high coverage, still seems to leave the skin with a lovely glow. It feels almost quite nourishing and incredibly gentle which is something that you wouldn't usually find in a product that can cover up impurities so so well.

Buy it HERE



The Cushion Blush Subtil (retails at £28)

This blush is said to give a fresh feel and have intense pigments which, boy oh boy, it definitely does. The colour is insanely vibrant and you only need a small amount to get that soft and healthy flush to the cheeks. It's really nice and blendable due to it's 'wet' feel and comes in a lovely little compact piece of packaging.

Buy it HERE


You can shop all of the products in this post here:


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