There's something about the change in season that both excites me and also drains me (a depressing note to start on, I know). I love the colder months for fashion and styling. I love layering pieces, experimenting with warm tones and wrapping myself up in cosy accessories, yet there's also something about dark mornings, rain pouring down as you're running through Market Street trying to catch a train, coughs, colds and now... Corona, that can bring on that low feeling I think a lot of us experience around this time of year. 

I always make my best efforts to remain positive, upbeat and excited for that long (but fast approaching) countdown to Christmas. I've always had a love for festivities and Autumn/Winter as a whole. I love crunchy leaves, hot chocolates and festive episodes of old shows playing on repeat on TV.  I also love the run up to Halloween and seeing how excited everyone gets to carve a pumpkin or indulge in Halloween movies. I think this time of year can be such an uplifting time in so many ways, yet there is always that seasonal depression looming in the background, especially this year.

Everything is a lot right now, you know? There have been so many ups and downs, breaking news and exciting reunion moments. It's become the norm to just be 'getting on with it', but in reality, the world still feels very heavy to deal with. I guess the best way to describe how I feel about it all is that, I'm somewhere in limbo; I'm torn between making the best of a bad situation and then wanting to hibernate until it's all over (which it never feels like it will be...)

I think it's completely normal to be feeling a bit lost right now. Nothing this year has been the way we expected it to be and as much as, like I said, we can 'get on with it', it has definitely taken it's toll. It often feels like an emotional roller-coaster for me. Some days are better than others - filled with happy moments, forgetting the world around me is on fire - and then there are the days when reality sets in and everything just begins to seem too much to handle. 

I don't think the gloomy weather helps, not as much as I thought it would anyway. I thought that the dark mornings would make me feel happier to cosy up and forget about everything, slowly but surely however, I think it's beginning to make me feel a little suffocated. It's harder to wake up in a morning, it's more difficult to get on with work and distract myself, and it's not so easy to pop out for a stroll with a friend when it's pouring down with rain. I don't think I appreciated the sunshiney moments of lockdown no.1 as much as I should have...

I'm quite good at being alone and keeping myself distracted though. I think that's something a lot of freelancers can do. I enjoy my own company, I love blasting old One Direction songs as I tick through the day's to-do list and I don't mind spending quiet moments to myself. I think we've all mastered that feeling this year, but there is a certain feeling of loneliness that comes with it. Even the most introverted of people need those small moments with their loved ones, with their friends, with their partner. I think there's such a difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and lockdown has definitely had more 'lonely' moments. 

I guess we're all still having to ride that wave, and trying to do it guilt-free all at the same time. There are days where we're upbeat, motivated and content - the days where I manage to make time to catch up with friends, do work and also get more than 5 hours sleep - yet there are days where all we can manage is to dedicate a day to binge watching Emily In Paris and eating a whole packet of digestives, and that's okay. I'm finding the colder months are enticing me to spend more days curled up in front of Netflix rather than getting on with work, but I have to remind myself that sometimes you just can't force a feeling, certainly not in the whirlwind that is 2020. 

My point with this post wasn't to be another negative piece of writing, sprouting out words that just make the world feel even more tangled, I suppose it's more of a reminder that sometimes this time of year can feel heavy anyway, pandemic or no pandemic. I think it's totally valid to be unsure of our feelings during this time, and I think it's completely okay to still be taking each day as it comes, trying to not focus on the madness around us. 

Who knows what the next few months will bring - that feels like a terrifying thought when usually you'd have the expectation of being surrounded by loved ones, Mariah Carey blaring in the background - it's hard to even focus on the 'now', never mind what November and December will look like. Everything almost feels like a really surreal dream sometimes. 

For the time being, I'm trying my best to fight through the wobbly moments - the moments where I feel like I'm falling or failing or even drowning beneath the dark pool of never-ending bad news. I'm trying to focus on my love for the festive period and not the daunting thoughts of what it might actually be. I'm trying to keep myself afloat and I guess that's all I can do. 

• October 16, 2020
• Lifestyle

The Change In Season

There's something about the change in season that both excites me and also drains me (a depressing note to start on, I know). I love the colder months for fashion and styling. I love layering pieces, experimenting with warm tones and wrapping myself up in cosy accessories, yet there's also something about dark mornings, rain pouring down as you're running through Market Street trying to catch a train, coughs, colds and now... Corona, that can bring on that low feeling I think a lot of us experience around this time of year. 

I always make my best efforts to remain positive, upbeat and excited for that long (but fast approaching) countdown to Christmas. I've always had a love for festivities and Autumn/Winter as a whole. I love crunchy leaves, hot chocolates and festive episodes of old shows playing on repeat on TV.  I also love the run up to Halloween and seeing how excited everyone gets to carve a pumpkin or indulge in Halloween movies. I think this time of year can be such an uplifting time in so many ways, yet there is always that seasonal depression looming in the background, especially this year.

Everything is a lot right now, you know? There have been so many ups and downs, breaking news and exciting reunion moments. It's become the norm to just be 'getting on with it', but in reality, the world still feels very heavy to deal with. I guess the best way to describe how I feel about it all is that, I'm somewhere in limbo; I'm torn between making the best of a bad situation and then wanting to hibernate until it's all over (which it never feels like it will be...)

I think it's completely normal to be feeling a bit lost right now. Nothing this year has been the way we expected it to be and as much as, like I said, we can 'get on with it', it has definitely taken it's toll. It often feels like an emotional roller-coaster for me. Some days are better than others - filled with happy moments, forgetting the world around me is on fire - and then there are the days when reality sets in and everything just begins to seem too much to handle. 

I don't think the gloomy weather helps, not as much as I thought it would anyway. I thought that the dark mornings would make me feel happier to cosy up and forget about everything, slowly but surely however, I think it's beginning to make me feel a little suffocated. It's harder to wake up in a morning, it's more difficult to get on with work and distract myself, and it's not so easy to pop out for a stroll with a friend when it's pouring down with rain. I don't think I appreciated the sunshiney moments of lockdown no.1 as much as I should have...

I'm quite good at being alone and keeping myself distracted though. I think that's something a lot of freelancers can do. I enjoy my own company, I love blasting old One Direction songs as I tick through the day's to-do list and I don't mind spending quiet moments to myself. I think we've all mastered that feeling this year, but there is a certain feeling of loneliness that comes with it. Even the most introverted of people need those small moments with their loved ones, with their friends, with their partner. I think there's such a difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and lockdown has definitely had more 'lonely' moments. 

I guess we're all still having to ride that wave, and trying to do it guilt-free all at the same time. There are days where we're upbeat, motivated and content - the days where I manage to make time to catch up with friends, do work and also get more than 5 hours sleep - yet there are days where all we can manage is to dedicate a day to binge watching Emily In Paris and eating a whole packet of digestives, and that's okay. I'm finding the colder months are enticing me to spend more days curled up in front of Netflix rather than getting on with work, but I have to remind myself that sometimes you just can't force a feeling, certainly not in the whirlwind that is 2020. 

My point with this post wasn't to be another negative piece of writing, sprouting out words that just make the world feel even more tangled, I suppose it's more of a reminder that sometimes this time of year can feel heavy anyway, pandemic or no pandemic. I think it's totally valid to be unsure of our feelings during this time, and I think it's completely okay to still be taking each day as it comes, trying to not focus on the madness around us. 

Who knows what the next few months will bring - that feels like a terrifying thought when usually you'd have the expectation of being surrounded by loved ones, Mariah Carey blaring in the background - it's hard to even focus on the 'now', never mind what November and December will look like. Everything almost feels like a really surreal dream sometimes. 

For the time being, I'm trying my best to fight through the wobbly moments - the moments where I feel like I'm falling or failing or even drowning beneath the dark pool of never-ending bad news. I'm trying to focus on my love for the festive period and not the daunting thoughts of what it might actually be. I'm trying to keep myself afloat and I guess that's all I can do. 

Read more »

As I slowly returned back to my normal pre-lockdown life, I began to notice that those 5 long months had given me a lot of self-reflection. They had changed me more than I'd realised. What served me at the start of the year didn't feel quite as fulfilling anymore, and I felt like I'd began to float through life, not really sure of my purpose or where I was heading. I mean, of course this is something we all feel from time-to-time, but this was different. It was like every emotion, instinct, thought and ounce of confidence I had, had come to a stand-still.

My direction used to feel clear and my routine felt fine - it was a routine I could manage at the time and it gave me exactly what I needed - but lockdown was a difficult time for me and returning to 'normal life', releasing the pause button, and carrying on as usual didn't work out quite how I thought it was going to. I faced a lot of things I wasn't expecting to deal with during this year; from things at home, to thoughts in my head, to even the feeling of heartbreak as the months between Josh and I became longer and longer. It was almost like I reverted back to a former self that found herself longing for happiness I thought I already had.

Like I said, I thought I'd be heading through these last few months of the year still as fulfilled and content as I was in January, but I soon realised that nothing felt the same.

I found myself in a constant state of panic - it was this feeling that I was being dragged away from everything I loved - something which I didn't even really notice I was feeling until, one morning, when I had to pull myself out of bed and head to work, my body just wouldn't let me. Every part of my body felt pained by the idea of having to move, put a smile on my face and chat like everything felt fine, when inside everything was crashing down for me. I wanted to consider it a blip of anxiety, I wanted to consider it my female hormones raging through my body at my time of the month, but it wasn't. It was something that had been ruminating inside me for weeks, months even.

More often than not, I can carry on as normal even on my lowest days. It's like I've trained myself to power through the emotionless state and just pretend it's all fine, but, slowly, I'm realising that nothing in my life is going to feel better if I don't stop and take the time to get to the root of it all. To put time into taking care of myself, my mental health, my feelings.

I've decided to throw myself back into the things that bring me joy - the things that give me a sense of purpose in this life. I want to feel excited after a days work, not like my battery life has been drained because I started the day out like a Duracell bunny and now I'm here, on a Friday night, in bed, exhausted.

To put my heart and soul into creating again is what I feel is needed for me right now. I want to feel the excitement of working with brands I love and shoot-days with like minded people. I've missed the feeling of getting to push myself further with my content, no longer feeling stagnant, and I crave that feeling of typing out my thoughts on my keyboard and having the freedom to strike when inspiration hits. I've just missed putting my all into what I love and now feels like the right time to take a step back, focus on me and make myself happy again.

What I'm getting at here is, and it's not an easy decision to make, but I'm going back to being fully freelance again in October (yay!). I mean, at least until I've sorted myself out anyway and as long as my bank balance allows it (seriously though, if you see me shopping, stop me haha). I guess I just thought, if not now, then when, right? Sometimes you just have to put yourself and your happiness first.

I hope it's a choice where I can look back at the end of the year be glad I took the time for me, and that I remember it was a decision I made with all the best intentions.


So, yeah, here's to that! *clink* Let's see where the next few months that take me...

• September 12, 2020
• Lifestyle

Back To The Root Of It All

As I slowly returned back to my normal pre-lockdown life, I began to notice that those 5 long months had given me a lot of self-reflection. They had changed me more than I'd realised. What served me at the start of the year didn't feel quite as fulfilling anymore, and I felt like I'd began to float through life, not really sure of my purpose or where I was heading. I mean, of course this is something we all feel from time-to-time, but this was different. It was like every emotion, instinct, thought and ounce of confidence I had, had come to a stand-still.

My direction used to feel clear and my routine felt fine - it was a routine I could manage at the time and it gave me exactly what I needed - but lockdown was a difficult time for me and returning to 'normal life', releasing the pause button, and carrying on as usual didn't work out quite how I thought it was going to. I faced a lot of things I wasn't expecting to deal with during this year; from things at home, to thoughts in my head, to even the feeling of heartbreak as the months between Josh and I became longer and longer. It was almost like I reverted back to a former self that found herself longing for happiness I thought I already had.

Like I said, I thought I'd be heading through these last few months of the year still as fulfilled and content as I was in January, but I soon realised that nothing felt the same.

I found myself in a constant state of panic - it was this feeling that I was being dragged away from everything I loved - something which I didn't even really notice I was feeling until, one morning, when I had to pull myself out of bed and head to work, my body just wouldn't let me. Every part of my body felt pained by the idea of having to move, put a smile on my face and chat like everything felt fine, when inside everything was crashing down for me. I wanted to consider it a blip of anxiety, I wanted to consider it my female hormones raging through my body at my time of the month, but it wasn't. It was something that had been ruminating inside me for weeks, months even.

More often than not, I can carry on as normal even on my lowest days. It's like I've trained myself to power through the emotionless state and just pretend it's all fine, but, slowly, I'm realising that nothing in my life is going to feel better if I don't stop and take the time to get to the root of it all. To put time into taking care of myself, my mental health, my feelings.

I've decided to throw myself back into the things that bring me joy - the things that give me a sense of purpose in this life. I want to feel excited after a days work, not like my battery life has been drained because I started the day out like a Duracell bunny and now I'm here, on a Friday night, in bed, exhausted.

To put my heart and soul into creating again is what I feel is needed for me right now. I want to feel the excitement of working with brands I love and shoot-days with like minded people. I've missed the feeling of getting to push myself further with my content, no longer feeling stagnant, and I crave that feeling of typing out my thoughts on my keyboard and having the freedom to strike when inspiration hits. I've just missed putting my all into what I love and now feels like the right time to take a step back, focus on me and make myself happy again.

What I'm getting at here is, and it's not an easy decision to make, but I'm going back to being fully freelance again in October (yay!). I mean, at least until I've sorted myself out anyway and as long as my bank balance allows it (seriously though, if you see me shopping, stop me haha). I guess I just thought, if not now, then when, right? Sometimes you just have to put yourself and your happiness first.

I hope it's a choice where I can look back at the end of the year be glad I took the time for me, and that I remember it was a decision I made with all the best intentions.


So, yeah, here's to that! *clink* Let's see where the next few months that take me...

Read more »

I wanted to write something today. I've been wrestling with this urge to express things and free my mind from any burden I have, but I also feel like I have nothing to say all at the same time. I'm sure some of you know what I mean. I think I'm feeling so much right now; I feel happiness, I feel love, I feel excitement, I feel pride... but then I feel sad, alone and like things are falling apart all in the same instant. Within all of that I often just end up feel nothing. Sometimes I don't know what's worse, you know? Feeling everything or feeling nothing? It seems really hard to articulate anything right now.

Of course, this is probably an effect of lockdown and the fact this year has completely thrown a spanner in the works. There's no doubt that none of us could have prepared for what the last 4 months have entailed. Through it all there have been highs and lows (most of the highs being in those first few weeks of glorious sunshine and lovely walks, obviously), and I guess the combination of those two things has left me in a place of... neutral? No, that's not the right word. Maybe some kind of wandering feeling. A feeling of not knowing which way to go next.

I think I'm beginning to lack purpose, I suppose. There's no day where I wake up and know exactly how my day will go anymore. Each day brings something new and often that can be good, of course, but occasionally that 'something' isn't that great.

I'd be lying if I had said that this year hadn't affected my mental health massively. I've gone through moments of feeling like I really have myself together and then before I know it, everything is crumbling down around me again. It's been, to put it simply, a struggle.

From the smallest of anxieties, to fights with disordered eating, each thing has floated into my life again so effortlessly, as if I had never managed to attain control of them in the first place. I mean, not to say that before all of this I was living some care-free life of no eating disorders and no worry, but this whole situation has heightened everything.

SHIRT - DUSTY VINTAGE // BAG - SOURCE UNKNOWN

Truth be told, comparison has always filled my life. I often wish I had someone else's face, or body, or personality or whatever it may be. Most of the time I'm longing to be someone that I'm not, because in my mind, nothing I am or ever do will be good enough. And, well, being locked away, phone in hand, scrolling through a sea of scenic garden pictures, stories of families laughing together and morning workouts, I've began to feel that comparison even more. I began to notice just how not 'perfect' enough, or well structured, everything in my life is. That really hasn't helped.

I know I'm not the only one who's found this time *triggering* in some way. When our routines that we've worked on - became comfortable in, molded to fit our busy lives - came to complete holt, I know a lot of us all felt this sense of 'what now?', and it was kind of terrifying. I mean sure, we can fill our days with endless Netflix marathons and do our emails from our desks at home, rather than an office, but it's all those little things that used to keep us going that made the difference.

For me, one thing I miss is my routine of getting up and going to work. As much as I'm dreading returning to work in this situation, I do long for that sense of purpose I used to have. I miss seeing my colleagues after spending days alone working for myself. I miss the rush of Manchester and the variety of characters I'd encounter in a day. I miss my train journeys, even those god damn Northern Rail delayed ones. I miss picking whether I was budgeting a Greggs for lunch or if I could splurge on a Pret A Manger. I miss the excitement of heading to my boyfriend's after my shift was over or the relief I'd feel after being on the closing slot and grabbing my stuff to head home.

I didn't realise how much being at that place, even just a few days a week, meant to me in my life. It was like a center point. I'd never had a center point before. It was something for the rest of my life to work around and I liked it.

I guess without that center point to revolve around, I've had a sense that my life revolves around... nothing? Obviously, there's ways around that and I've used those to the best of my ability during this time. Things like, writing a good ol' to-do list, getting myself moving in a morning and doing whatever I can to fill the day like shooting images, reading or baking... it works pretty much every time, but after 4 months of the same thing, I've gotten a little stir crazy.

I mean, is this my new 'norm' now? I feel like I'm going to be shell-shocked when I have to return to work and my 'regular' life. I can feel those old anxieties about being on public transport, eating in front of people, or worries over my appearance following me there already.

Before all of this I had become so confident and independent, but I know now that this situation has really knocked me, and more than I'd realised it could have.

Like I said, my mental health has definitely been affected. Lately, I've found myself lacking the energy to do much. I've found the evenings are becoming harder, my thoughts are becoming louder and I seem to keep finding myself in a place where everything just feels a little... difficult. Things just feel kind of heavy. And it's not that kind of heavy feeling you can just shake off your shoulders, you know? It's that kind of weight that you just have to sit with and hope it doesn't break you.

That seems dark, I know, but I can't really put it any better than that. It is what it is, and I'm slowly becoming more and more used to those emotions creeping in when I'm alone at night.

Yet, regardless of those days, there are also days where I feel fine. There are days where I feel productive, happy, at peace. Generally, if you message me and I say I'm doing 'ok', it's probably because, in that moment, I am. Some days are good, right? I don't think it's uncommon to feel really alone and sad one minute and then be able to pull yourself together the next. Life keeps moving and it's those days, those happier days, that keep me going, because I know that even on the harder days, there's hopefully a better one to come.

SKIRT - NOBODY'S CHILD // SHOES - TOPSHOP

I guess this whole thing is just a roller-coaster, and not just for me, for us all. I don't think there's any 'right' way to be handling things right now. I think we're all dealing with this in our own ways, and that's okay. The sudden jump of things returning to 'normal' is a bit of anxiety inducer, of course, but I suppose it had to happen at some point. I think I thought we'd be able to ease into it more slowly though, do you know what I mean?

I do still think I'm eager to get back to my old routine. I do just want to throw myself back into it and keep going from where I left off. I daydream about having things just snap back into place. I'm hoping it won't be too much of a shock to the system, but I'll just have to roll with the punches when it happens.

For now, I'm handling things. Maybe I'm not handling them all that well, but I'm doing it.

Luckily, there are still those good days to keep me going. There are those days I now get to spend with my boyfriend, which fill me with so much love, days where I get to chat to my Mum and Dad, having conversations I never thought I'd have, and days where I'm learning to just switch off, indulge in crappy tv and let the hours pass me by.

Sometimes it's not about doing it all and keeping it going, sometimes it's about slowing down and understanding what you're feeling, taking time for the things/people you love and just breathing.

"take your time, forgive yourself and start over." - Alexandra Elle

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• July 08, 2020
• Lifestyle

Highs & Lows

I wanted to write something today. I've been wrestling with this urge to express things and free my mind from any burden I have, but I also feel like I have nothing to say all at the same time. I'm sure some of you know what I mean. I think I'm feeling so much right now; I feel happiness, I feel love, I feel excitement, I feel pride... but then I feel sad, alone and like things are falling apart all in the same instant. Within all of that I often just end up feel nothing. Sometimes I don't know what's worse, you know? Feeling everything or feeling nothing? It seems really hard to articulate anything right now.

Of course, this is probably an effect of lockdown and the fact this year has completely thrown a spanner in the works. There's no doubt that none of us could have prepared for what the last 4 months have entailed. Through it all there have been highs and lows (most of the highs being in those first few weeks of glorious sunshine and lovely walks, obviously), and I guess the combination of those two things has left me in a place of... neutral? No, that's not the right word. Maybe some kind of wandering feeling. A feeling of not knowing which way to go next.

I think I'm beginning to lack purpose, I suppose. There's no day where I wake up and know exactly how my day will go anymore. Each day brings something new and often that can be good, of course, but occasionally that 'something' isn't that great.

I'd be lying if I had said that this year hadn't affected my mental health massively. I've gone through moments of feeling like I really have myself together and then before I know it, everything is crumbling down around me again. It's been, to put it simply, a struggle.

From the smallest of anxieties, to fights with disordered eating, each thing has floated into my life again so effortlessly, as if I had never managed to attain control of them in the first place. I mean, not to say that before all of this I was living some care-free life of no eating disorders and no worry, but this whole situation has heightened everything.

SHIRT - DUSTY VINTAGE // BAG - SOURCE UNKNOWN

Truth be told, comparison has always filled my life. I often wish I had someone else's face, or body, or personality or whatever it may be. Most of the time I'm longing to be someone that I'm not, because in my mind, nothing I am or ever do will be good enough. And, well, being locked away, phone in hand, scrolling through a sea of scenic garden pictures, stories of families laughing together and morning workouts, I've began to feel that comparison even more. I began to notice just how not 'perfect' enough, or well structured, everything in my life is. That really hasn't helped.

I know I'm not the only one who's found this time *triggering* in some way. When our routines that we've worked on - became comfortable in, molded to fit our busy lives - came to complete holt, I know a lot of us all felt this sense of 'what now?', and it was kind of terrifying. I mean sure, we can fill our days with endless Netflix marathons and do our emails from our desks at home, rather than an office, but it's all those little things that used to keep us going that made the difference.

For me, one thing I miss is my routine of getting up and going to work. As much as I'm dreading returning to work in this situation, I do long for that sense of purpose I used to have. I miss seeing my colleagues after spending days alone working for myself. I miss the rush of Manchester and the variety of characters I'd encounter in a day. I miss my train journeys, even those god damn Northern Rail delayed ones. I miss picking whether I was budgeting a Greggs for lunch or if I could splurge on a Pret A Manger. I miss the excitement of heading to my boyfriend's after my shift was over or the relief I'd feel after being on the closing slot and grabbing my stuff to head home.

I didn't realise how much being at that place, even just a few days a week, meant to me in my life. It was like a center point. I'd never had a center point before. It was something for the rest of my life to work around and I liked it.

I guess without that center point to revolve around, I've had a sense that my life revolves around... nothing? Obviously, there's ways around that and I've used those to the best of my ability during this time. Things like, writing a good ol' to-do list, getting myself moving in a morning and doing whatever I can to fill the day like shooting images, reading or baking... it works pretty much every time, but after 4 months of the same thing, I've gotten a little stir crazy.

I mean, is this my new 'norm' now? I feel like I'm going to be shell-shocked when I have to return to work and my 'regular' life. I can feel those old anxieties about being on public transport, eating in front of people, or worries over my appearance following me there already.

Before all of this I had become so confident and independent, but I know now that this situation has really knocked me, and more than I'd realised it could have.

Like I said, my mental health has definitely been affected. Lately, I've found myself lacking the energy to do much. I've found the evenings are becoming harder, my thoughts are becoming louder and I seem to keep finding myself in a place where everything just feels a little... difficult. Things just feel kind of heavy. And it's not that kind of heavy feeling you can just shake off your shoulders, you know? It's that kind of weight that you just have to sit with and hope it doesn't break you.

That seems dark, I know, but I can't really put it any better than that. It is what it is, and I'm slowly becoming more and more used to those emotions creeping in when I'm alone at night.

Yet, regardless of those days, there are also days where I feel fine. There are days where I feel productive, happy, at peace. Generally, if you message me and I say I'm doing 'ok', it's probably because, in that moment, I am. Some days are good, right? I don't think it's uncommon to feel really alone and sad one minute and then be able to pull yourself together the next. Life keeps moving and it's those days, those happier days, that keep me going, because I know that even on the harder days, there's hopefully a better one to come.

SKIRT - NOBODY'S CHILD // SHOES - TOPSHOP

I guess this whole thing is just a roller-coaster, and not just for me, for us all. I don't think there's any 'right' way to be handling things right now. I think we're all dealing with this in our own ways, and that's okay. The sudden jump of things returning to 'normal' is a bit of anxiety inducer, of course, but I suppose it had to happen at some point. I think I thought we'd be able to ease into it more slowly though, do you know what I mean?

I do still think I'm eager to get back to my old routine. I do just want to throw myself back into it and keep going from where I left off. I daydream about having things just snap back into place. I'm hoping it won't be too much of a shock to the system, but I'll just have to roll with the punches when it happens.

For now, I'm handling things. Maybe I'm not handling them all that well, but I'm doing it.

Luckily, there are still those good days to keep me going. There are those days I now get to spend with my boyfriend, which fill me with so much love, days where I get to chat to my Mum and Dad, having conversations I never thought I'd have, and days where I'm learning to just switch off, indulge in crappy tv and let the hours pass me by.

Sometimes it's not about doing it all and keeping it going, sometimes it's about slowing down and understanding what you're feeling, taking time for the things/people you love and just breathing.

"take your time, forgive yourself and start over." - Alexandra Elle

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The past 3 months have been something I could never have predicted that I would experience.

I mean, who'd have thought that 2020, the year that we all most likely presumed would be 'our year', would be hit with a pandemic, months spent indoors and our lives flipped completely upside down? Who'd have known that those countless pennies we'd usually splash on Pret coffees and Primark candles would now be being spent on co-ord lounge-wear and Disney+ subscriptions?

Not. a. single. one. of. us.

Well, maybe the writer of The Simpsons had an inkling, but that guy knows everything for some reason..

You see, I came into this year so ready and so positive. I felt on a high, like this year would be a fresh start - a new decade of my life where everything would fall into place. I had thoughts of discovering more about myself, taking on new ventures, travelling to new places. I wanted this year to be one that would shape me into a new and improved version of myself.

I expected to see so much growth this year - for my friendships and relationships to flourish, for there to be a change in jobs, a change in income, a change in anything that could change, and, well, I guess there has been change, just not in the way that I thought.

At the beginning of April I was approaching each day with so much energy, so much calmness. I found myself learning to appreciate the little things in life again, learning to get fresh air and appreciate the birds singing in the trees. I had new ideas and new creative instincts, and I felt like I was ready to take on all of the things I'd been putting off for so long. For a while, it worked - everything felt okay and I felt like I was getting to do all of that 'self discovery' just in a different way.

The sun was shining down for us each and every day, and it was so easy to wake up and take on the hours of indoor time, surrounded by family, all wanting to use to the bloody bathroom at the exact time. It became normal to have days spent sat reading in the sun, my Mum worrying over my sunburn even though I'd been slapping on the factor 50 in the morning as a new daily habit, and even hearing my Dad's work phone calls through the walls because he's talking on the LOUDEST loud speaker had become normal to me.

I long for the feeling of calm I felt during that time. It wasn't the calmest of calms, but I felt more at peace, more 'okay' with tackling what had been put before me.

As the months have passed by and lockdown has continued, things have began to change. I mean, yes, the days are cloudier, more rainy, and seeing the sun shine lately is a rarity... but that's not exactly what I mean.

The distance from friends, my boyfriend, my usual life has begun to hurt. The days have begun to feel long, tiring, uninspired, and as someone who really relied on that creative spark to keep me going, I've started to feel a little lost.

I seem to lack energy, to lack drive. I only seem to find comfort late in the evenings when I know I'm finally *allowed* to rest and head to sleep. I constantly feel tired and it doesn't help that the sun has vanished from the skies, leaving behind nothing but grey cloud and pond-sized puddles in the streets.

Now, I know I'm not the only one feeling this. Rainy weather or no rainy weather, we've all started to feel, I guess, a little trapped? claustrophobic? unsure of how to fill our days? It's even hard to pin point what exactly the feelings are because it's just... surreal.

I feel so isolated (if you pardon the pun) here where I live. I don't have gal pals living round the corner who I can pop round and have socially distanced cuppa with, my relationship is one that relies solely on public transport or begging my Mum to chauffeur me around like Lady Penelope and Parker, and as much as I like time to myself, I don't like this much time alone.

It's just quiet here, I suppose.

I feel guilty for not having the energy I was full to the brim with at the start of April, I feel envy for those who have managed to see their partners and have romantic picnics in the park, I feel hurt by the way this year has turned out.

I think it's hard not to feel everything all at once right now.

However, no matter the amount of guilt or exhaustion or whatever I'm feeling, I'm trying to remind myself that... it's okay. If there is one thing that the last 3 months have taught me it's that, sometimes we all just need a god damn break and that is perfectly fine.

I mean, sometimes we're lacking energy because we're exhausted, sometimes we're uninspired because we've burnt our brains out, sometimes we're crying at the Friends episode we've seen a thousand and one times because we're PMSing and everything is sad at the time of the month, right?!

Whatever it is, we all need to give ourselves a chance to stop, to feel, to rest and breathe. I'm slowly learning to understand that.

Sometimes I just forget to breathe, as silly as that sounds. Sometimes I just let all these emotions and thoughts build up and up and up in my head and my chest and it's like I can't take in any more than that.

I guess what I'm saying is, I know this time has gotten hard. It really has for me. As much as the idea of going back to the 'norm' feels daunting, I think we all need it and we're all quietly longing for it.

I think if there's one thing I'll look back at this time and regret not doing, it's resting. I will regret it soooo much if I don't use this time to fulfill those lazy weekends or film days I used to dream about.

So, yeah, don't feel like you have to feel like you did in April, don't feel like you have to skipping through meadows like you did in May, just feel whatever you're feeling right now and roll with it. I know I'm trying to.

Take pleasure in those rainy thunderstorms, grab a cup of tea, cuddle up and watch some crappy TV. Don't force yourself to be thriving when, in reality, you and your body need to rest.

Put yourself first.

After all, it's been a long 3 months.

"in times of crisis, we must all decide again and again whom we love." - Frank O'hara

• June 18, 2020
• Lifestyle

It's Been A Long 3 Months

The past 3 months have been something I could never have predicted that I would experience.

I mean, who'd have thought that 2020, the year that we all most likely presumed would be 'our year', would be hit with a pandemic, months spent indoors and our lives flipped completely upside down? Who'd have known that those countless pennies we'd usually splash on Pret coffees and Primark candles would now be being spent on co-ord lounge-wear and Disney+ subscriptions?

Not. a. single. one. of. us.

Well, maybe the writer of The Simpsons had an inkling, but that guy knows everything for some reason..

You see, I came into this year so ready and so positive. I felt on a high, like this year would be a fresh start - a new decade of my life where everything would fall into place. I had thoughts of discovering more about myself, taking on new ventures, travelling to new places. I wanted this year to be one that would shape me into a new and improved version of myself.

I expected to see so much growth this year - for my friendships and relationships to flourish, for there to be a change in jobs, a change in income, a change in anything that could change, and, well, I guess there has been change, just not in the way that I thought.

At the beginning of April I was approaching each day with so much energy, so much calmness. I found myself learning to appreciate the little things in life again, learning to get fresh air and appreciate the birds singing in the trees. I had new ideas and new creative instincts, and I felt like I was ready to take on all of the things I'd been putting off for so long. For a while, it worked - everything felt okay and I felt like I was getting to do all of that 'self discovery' just in a different way.

The sun was shining down for us each and every day, and it was so easy to wake up and take on the hours of indoor time, surrounded by family, all wanting to use to the bloody bathroom at the exact time. It became normal to have days spent sat reading in the sun, my Mum worrying over my sunburn even though I'd been slapping on the factor 50 in the morning as a new daily habit, and even hearing my Dad's work phone calls through the walls because he's talking on the LOUDEST loud speaker had become normal to me.

I long for the feeling of calm I felt during that time. It wasn't the calmest of calms, but I felt more at peace, more 'okay' with tackling what had been put before me.

As the months have passed by and lockdown has continued, things have began to change. I mean, yes, the days are cloudier, more rainy, and seeing the sun shine lately is a rarity... but that's not exactly what I mean.

The distance from friends, my boyfriend, my usual life has begun to hurt. The days have begun to feel long, tiring, uninspired, and as someone who really relied on that creative spark to keep me going, I've started to feel a little lost.

I seem to lack energy, to lack drive. I only seem to find comfort late in the evenings when I know I'm finally *allowed* to rest and head to sleep. I constantly feel tired and it doesn't help that the sun has vanished from the skies, leaving behind nothing but grey cloud and pond-sized puddles in the streets.

Now, I know I'm not the only one feeling this. Rainy weather or no rainy weather, we've all started to feel, I guess, a little trapped? claustrophobic? unsure of how to fill our days? It's even hard to pin point what exactly the feelings are because it's just... surreal.

I feel so isolated (if you pardon the pun) here where I live. I don't have gal pals living round the corner who I can pop round and have socially distanced cuppa with, my relationship is one that relies solely on public transport or begging my Mum to chauffeur me around like Lady Penelope and Parker, and as much as I like time to myself, I don't like this much time alone.

It's just quiet here, I suppose.

I feel guilty for not having the energy I was full to the brim with at the start of April, I feel envy for those who have managed to see their partners and have romantic picnics in the park, I feel hurt by the way this year has turned out.

I think it's hard not to feel everything all at once right now.

However, no matter the amount of guilt or exhaustion or whatever I'm feeling, I'm trying to remind myself that... it's okay. If there is one thing that the last 3 months have taught me it's that, sometimes we all just need a god damn break and that is perfectly fine.

I mean, sometimes we're lacking energy because we're exhausted, sometimes we're uninspired because we've burnt our brains out, sometimes we're crying at the Friends episode we've seen a thousand and one times because we're PMSing and everything is sad at the time of the month, right?!

Whatever it is, we all need to give ourselves a chance to stop, to feel, to rest and breathe. I'm slowly learning to understand that.

Sometimes I just forget to breathe, as silly as that sounds. Sometimes I just let all these emotions and thoughts build up and up and up in my head and my chest and it's like I can't take in any more than that.

I guess what I'm saying is, I know this time has gotten hard. It really has for me. As much as the idea of going back to the 'norm' feels daunting, I think we all need it and we're all quietly longing for it.

I think if there's one thing I'll look back at this time and regret not doing, it's resting. I will regret it soooo much if I don't use this time to fulfill those lazy weekends or film days I used to dream about.

So, yeah, don't feel like you have to feel like you did in April, don't feel like you have to skipping through meadows like you did in May, just feel whatever you're feeling right now and roll with it. I know I'm trying to.

Take pleasure in those rainy thunderstorms, grab a cup of tea, cuddle up and watch some crappy TV. Don't force yourself to be thriving when, in reality, you and your body need to rest.

Put yourself first.

After all, it's been a long 3 months.

"in times of crisis, we must all decide again and again whom we love." - Frank O'hara

Read more »

Yesterday, after weeks of seeing nothing but my 4 bedroom walls and the occasional field of grass on my daily walks, we headed out nice and early to the beach. A change of scenery felt drastically needed, yet driving there in the car I felt anxious, almost if I was doing something wrong by seeing more than the surroundings of where I live. It felt weird but also as if this whole thing wasn't happening for a moment - like life had switched back to normal just for a second.

It was strange to see other cars on the road, driving past McDonald chains that were open again or even just seeing the hills in the distance. I think I'd forgotten that places other than my home existed. I spent the whole journey staring out the window, trying to make myself feel 'normal' again.

My mindset lately has felt really... all over the place, I guess. I've been dealing with some heavy thoughts and feelings, and I was starting to feel like I couldn't breathe - which I suppose is understandable having been inside for 11 weeks, seeing no friends or loved ones. Every thought imaginable had been whirling round my head and my whole body had begun to feel suffocated.

We wanted to get there early as to avoid the floods of people that were going to set up camp for the afternoon and mostly to just enjoy the quiet and the calm that being by the sea can offer. It was that still, tranquil silence that comes with the beach that I really needed.

DRESS - ZARA // BAG - BASKETBASKET [GIFTED] // HAT - ACCESSORIZE

When we arrived, seeing other early-risers gathering their beach essentials to drag down to the beach felt odd. Like my brain had become conditioned to think everyone was in the 'wrong' for being outdoors or appreciating the sunshine. There were only a handful of people arriving at that time, but it still felt peculiar to me. Seeing other humans that weren't Sharon who lives round the corner was weirdly overwhelming.

It took me a moment to settle into the situation. To allow myself to enjoy this small moment of escapism.

I kept looking into the distance, seeing seagulls swooping through the sky above the sea, and then looking down at my feet to see little sea shells in the sand.

What is it about the beach that seems to be so calming? so soothing? Is it the feeling of wide open space, the sound of the waves, the distant call of an ice cream truck that strikes you with that feeling of Summer? I don't know exactly what it is for me, but I could feel myself slowly melting into it - letting my anxieties fade away for a moment as I chatted to my Mum and Dad or saw a puppy dog happily playing in the distance.

There was a family who were also there that had this big balloon-type ball. It kept being swept away by the wind, gracefully floating across the sand as this little girl stumbled along after it. There was something I liked about that. Well, not the fact that they kept losing their ball, but the image of this ball just floating, travelling across the beach freely.

I wanted to feel as free as that.

I wanted to be swept up by the wind and taken away for a while.

Even to just photograph something other than my bedroom or my garden felt lovely. A new place to be creative is a feeling that I don't think any creator can put into words really. It's like moving into a new house, figuring out the spots you want to decorate, filling the rooms up with your ideas. My eyes were searching for a spot on the beach with clean untouched sand, a view of the distant sea, somewhere that I could photograph that felt my own.

It was nice to go there. I don't think I realised how much I needed it and I also don't feel like I appreciated being there enough. I wish I'd taken longer to sit down and listen to the sounds, to watch people walk their dogs or to write my name in the sand in some cliche "I've been to the beach!" style. But, as we now, this is a weird time, so I think it's hard to let go of the panic of returning back home to 'safety' these days.

I can't wait to get back there when things are 'normal' again though. Hopefully next time it can be with friends, a bottle of Old Mout Cider and a mini BBQ. That'd be nice.

Shop the post:

• May 31, 2020
• Lifestyle

By The Sea

Yesterday, after weeks of seeing nothing but my 4 bedroom walls and the occasional field of grass on my daily walks, we headed out nice and early to the beach. A change of scenery felt drastically needed, yet driving there in the car I felt anxious, almost if I was doing something wrong by seeing more than the surroundings of where I live. It felt weird but also as if this whole thing wasn't happening for a moment - like life had switched back to normal just for a second.

It was strange to see other cars on the road, driving past McDonald chains that were open again or even just seeing the hills in the distance. I think I'd forgotten that places other than my home existed. I spent the whole journey staring out the window, trying to make myself feel 'normal' again.

My mindset lately has felt really... all over the place, I guess. I've been dealing with some heavy thoughts and feelings, and I was starting to feel like I couldn't breathe - which I suppose is understandable having been inside for 11 weeks, seeing no friends or loved ones. Every thought imaginable had been whirling round my head and my whole body had begun to feel suffocated.

We wanted to get there early as to avoid the floods of people that were going to set up camp for the afternoon and mostly to just enjoy the quiet and the calm that being by the sea can offer. It was that still, tranquil silence that comes with the beach that I really needed.

DRESS - ZARA // BAG - BASKETBASKET [GIFTED] // HAT - ACCESSORIZE

When we arrived, seeing other early-risers gathering their beach essentials to drag down to the beach felt odd. Like my brain had become conditioned to think everyone was in the 'wrong' for being outdoors or appreciating the sunshine. There were only a handful of people arriving at that time, but it still felt peculiar to me. Seeing other humans that weren't Sharon who lives round the corner was weirdly overwhelming.

It took me a moment to settle into the situation. To allow myself to enjoy this small moment of escapism.

I kept looking into the distance, seeing seagulls swooping through the sky above the sea, and then looking down at my feet to see little sea shells in the sand.

What is it about the beach that seems to be so calming? so soothing? Is it the feeling of wide open space, the sound of the waves, the distant call of an ice cream truck that strikes you with that feeling of Summer? I don't know exactly what it is for me, but I could feel myself slowly melting into it - letting my anxieties fade away for a moment as I chatted to my Mum and Dad or saw a puppy dog happily playing in the distance.

There was a family who were also there that had this big balloon-type ball. It kept being swept away by the wind, gracefully floating across the sand as this little girl stumbled along after it. There was something I liked about that. Well, not the fact that they kept losing their ball, but the image of this ball just floating, travelling across the beach freely.

I wanted to feel as free as that.

I wanted to be swept up by the wind and taken away for a while.

Even to just photograph something other than my bedroom or my garden felt lovely. A new place to be creative is a feeling that I don't think any creator can put into words really. It's like moving into a new house, figuring out the spots you want to decorate, filling the rooms up with your ideas. My eyes were searching for a spot on the beach with clean untouched sand, a view of the distant sea, somewhere that I could photograph that felt my own.

It was nice to go there. I don't think I realised how much I needed it and I also don't feel like I appreciated being there enough. I wish I'd taken longer to sit down and listen to the sounds, to watch people walk their dogs or to write my name in the sand in some cliche "I've been to the beach!" style. But, as we now, this is a weird time, so I think it's hard to let go of the panic of returning back home to 'safety' these days.

I can't wait to get back there when things are 'normal' again though. Hopefully next time it can be with friends, a bottle of Old Mout Cider and a mini BBQ. That'd be nice.

Shop the post:

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Hey guys, how are we all?

With this week being Mental Health Awareness week, I thought I'd get a blog post out there and check in on you all!

The theme for MHAW this year is 'Kindness', which I think is something that is at forefront of everyone's minds right now given the current climate. It's important that during this time we stick together and continue to lift each other up as much as we can, and to remember that, everyone is going through their own thing and being considerate should always come before anything else with that.

As I've said in a previous blog post, now more than ever, I have noticed everyone around me lifting each other up, supporting each other and spreading kindness in so many ways and I think it's truly wonderful. From nice comments on a friend's photo, to dropping a bottle of wine on your pals driveway and checking in on one another and sharing giggles over a Zoom call, there's love and kindness being spread daily right now and it's so so nice to see.

Yet there are still some aspects of the world, especially online, that can be a tough place and kindness isn't always spread everywhere - sometimes hate and disregard become prevalent and that is something I don't think is talked about enough.

I think as much as it's important to speak our minds and share our opinions, we have to remember the effects that our words and actions can have on other people. Often people forget that their words can hurt and linger over someone's life, and it leaves us in a situation where people spread out nasty comments and unneeded opinions that affect people in the worst ways.

There have been so many occasions where I've seen people (especially content creators) who open up about the affects that online hate has had on their lives and it's truly painful to know that such amazing people are being torn down, simply by the fact that other's haven't thought about the affects of their words before speaking or sending them.

To think of someone experiencing this, simply because other's aren't considering their actions and have decided to be unkind, for whatever reason, is truly heartbreaking.

"what susie says of sally, says more of susie than of sally"

If I have one thing to say in this post, it's simply that people need to think before they speak. People need to learn that no one is forcing you to look at a photo, or watch a video or listen to a song and it's so so easy to simply click away, leaving not a single trace of nastiness behind.

The same goes for real life - you don't like someone's outfit? Okay, cool. That's fine! But they do like their outfit, so let them enjoy it!

Everyone is different. Everyone likes different things, acts a different way, has a different sense of humour, has a different sense of style or taste in films or music. It's what makes us all unique, and surely that should be celebrated and not scrutinized.

Judgement is a habit that I wish we all could knock. It'd be so great to be in a world where people just let others be themselves and do their own thing. Obviously, that's circumstantial, I don't think we should let people who do bad things roam freely doing whatever they want, but you get what I mean.

Like I said we're all human, with our own opinions, but sometimes it's just kinder to keep it to yourself and let bygones be bygones.

Okay. Rant over!

I hope you're all okay and dealing with this crazy situation as best you can. I know that, for me, it has been a bit of a roller-coaster, and almost as if I'm living in some alternate universe, but we just have to take each day as it comes, right?

I think this time in lockdown has definitely made a lot of us appreciate what's truly important in life. From the people we keep close to us, to the regard for others and our health - hopefully we'll all come out of this with new perspectives.

The kindness of others during this time has certainly kept me going, and to anyone who continues to be a lovely, supportive light in my life, thank you ♥️

Last but not least (and in the spirit of kindness, of course) I just wanted to give a mention to my lovely friend Liv who runs Olivia Annabelle Apparel. The blouse in this post was made by her and, honestly, I'm just constantly in awe of her talent. She has some absolutely gorgeous designs that are perfect for Spring/Summer (her Bloomsbury collection is to die for!). I'll link her site HERE so you can check her out. She's truly fabulous!

Anyway, lots of love to you all, look after yourselves.

Hol x

• May 21, 2020
• Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Week: Kindness

Hey guys, how are we all?

With this week being Mental Health Awareness week, I thought I'd get a blog post out there and check in on you all!

The theme for MHAW this year is 'Kindness', which I think is something that is at forefront of everyone's minds right now given the current climate. It's important that during this time we stick together and continue to lift each other up as much as we can, and to remember that, everyone is going through their own thing and being considerate should always come before anything else with that.

As I've said in a previous blog post, now more than ever, I have noticed everyone around me lifting each other up, supporting each other and spreading kindness in so many ways and I think it's truly wonderful. From nice comments on a friend's photo, to dropping a bottle of wine on your pals driveway and checking in on one another and sharing giggles over a Zoom call, there's love and kindness being spread daily right now and it's so so nice to see.

Yet there are still some aspects of the world, especially online, that can be a tough place and kindness isn't always spread everywhere - sometimes hate and disregard become prevalent and that is something I don't think is talked about enough.

I think as much as it's important to speak our minds and share our opinions, we have to remember the effects that our words and actions can have on other people. Often people forget that their words can hurt and linger over someone's life, and it leaves us in a situation where people spread out nasty comments and unneeded opinions that affect people in the worst ways.

There have been so many occasions where I've seen people (especially content creators) who open up about the affects that online hate has had on their lives and it's truly painful to know that such amazing people are being torn down, simply by the fact that other's haven't thought about the affects of their words before speaking or sending them.

To think of someone experiencing this, simply because other's aren't considering their actions and have decided to be unkind, for whatever reason, is truly heartbreaking.

"what susie says of sally, says more of susie than of sally"

If I have one thing to say in this post, it's simply that people need to think before they speak. People need to learn that no one is forcing you to look at a photo, or watch a video or listen to a song and it's so so easy to simply click away, leaving not a single trace of nastiness behind.

The same goes for real life - you don't like someone's outfit? Okay, cool. That's fine! But they do like their outfit, so let them enjoy it!

Everyone is different. Everyone likes different things, acts a different way, has a different sense of humour, has a different sense of style or taste in films or music. It's what makes us all unique, and surely that should be celebrated and not scrutinized.

Judgement is a habit that I wish we all could knock. It'd be so great to be in a world where people just let others be themselves and do their own thing. Obviously, that's circumstantial, I don't think we should let people who do bad things roam freely doing whatever they want, but you get what I mean.

Like I said we're all human, with our own opinions, but sometimes it's just kinder to keep it to yourself and let bygones be bygones.

Okay. Rant over!

I hope you're all okay and dealing with this crazy situation as best you can. I know that, for me, it has been a bit of a roller-coaster, and almost as if I'm living in some alternate universe, but we just have to take each day as it comes, right?

I think this time in lockdown has definitely made a lot of us appreciate what's truly important in life. From the people we keep close to us, to the regard for others and our health - hopefully we'll all come out of this with new perspectives.

The kindness of others during this time has certainly kept me going, and to anyone who continues to be a lovely, supportive light in my life, thank you ♥️

Last but not least (and in the spirit of kindness, of course) I just wanted to give a mention to my lovely friend Liv who runs Olivia Annabelle Apparel. The blouse in this post was made by her and, honestly, I'm just constantly in awe of her talent. She has some absolutely gorgeous designs that are perfect for Spring/Summer (her Bloomsbury collection is to die for!). I'll link her site HERE so you can check her out. She's truly fabulous!

Anyway, lots of love to you all, look after yourselves.

Hol x

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As I notice my thumb continually gravitating towards where my, now deleted, Instagram app normally lives - where it resides happily, pride of place, easily accessible when zoning out into the endless hours of scrolling - it dawned on me how reliant, or 'addicted to' for use of a better word, I am to that god. damn. app. 

For the last week or so, a cloud has hung over me - a stormy grey cloud; the kind of cloud that follows a character around in a cartoon, dripping sad raindrops upon their head whilst they wallow at the puddle filled ground. It's been trailing behind me for a while now, but I guess the combination of my will to bat it away, as well as the sunshiney weather has warded it off until late.

I've got caught up in comparison, you see, in addition to my mental health slowly deteriorating towards a more negative side. I found myself looking at people's supposedly 'perfect' lives behind my phone screen and wondering, 'why the hell is my life not like that?', 'why don't I have that?' or 'why don't I look like that?', and let's be honest, that's the beginning of a dangerous spiral.

I've touched on this topic before, but seeing as I'm in the midst of feeling a lot right now, I thought, why not touch upon it again? 

"Comparison is the thief of joy" after all. I know that. But more often than not, we can't help but find ourselves locked in a tug-of-war with the bitch.

Of course this isn't just related to Instagram, this is relative to any form of online content that we can find ourselves getting sucked into the comparative wormhole of. However, for me, it's always Instagram that I seem to be knocked down by.

Every time that little heart shaped 'like' appeared at the corner of my screen, I felt validated. Every time a comment was posted on my photo, I felt validated. Every time a new follower appeared, I felt validated. The joy had been sucked out of the creative process for me, and I was more concerned with what people thought of me and being 'liked'. Then I found myself comparing those numbers, those comments, that validation to other people and that's where I found myself falling blindly down the rabbit hole.

Why had become so concerned with what other people were doing? It wasn't like I was angered by it because I hated these people, it's quite the opposite actually, I was still there cheering them on at the sidelines. But, the fact that everyone around me seemed to continually be excelling forward in the Instagram race, whilst I stood static, seemed ignite this feeling of failure inside me.

I never feel good enough, and that's on me more than it is anyone around me (or on my phone screen for that matter). Stepping away from Instagram, even just for a day, has made me realise that I'm my own worst critic - instead of cheering myself on like I do with others, I knock myself down and tell myself I'm not good enough. I tell myself I'm a failure because I've not got 'X' amount of this or 'X' amount of that, when reality, that's not why I began all of this. I began this whole journey to share things I liked, to share images I'd taken, to meet new people.

I guess, I do worry that I'm in the wrong business here because my self-esteem is just so low. Every month I find myself in this head space that just screams 'give up!' and it can be so hard to keep fighting through it. Yet, I do think my love for creativity and sharing what I've created manages to overpower that (somehow??).

I absolutely love Instagram. I think it's a brilliant app and there's so much creativity and amazing people on there, but having noticed how much I naturally gravitate towards it to check in on how well a post is doing, or if my following has grown or dropped, I realised that it can be toxic to be on there 24/7. I need to look at it with a fresher outlook every now and again.

I mean, hey, maybe you can log into that app and feel no comparison whatsoever, if so, I truly envy you (and also, bloody good for you!), but every so often, I get in this rut and I think that's a sign I need to come back to reality for a while.

Taking a step back over these last few days, as well as some absolutely bloody lovely messages from you guys, has been a big help in shifting my mindset. We're all living our own lives after all, so why have I got so caught up trying to be like other people? I can't change who I am or how Instagram/the internet works, so I just need to roll with it.

I've been struggling with my mental health for the last month or so, so obviously that hasn't been a very good contributor to all of this, but putting myself first for once, taking myself away from a toxic situation, has felt really good. I feel refreshed, my mind feels more open and I've realised I need to look at things through a more inspired eye, than a doubtful eye again.

Sometimes space and time away is all we need to recoup and rewire.

Life won't stop just because you take time away from scrolling. All those photos, those words, those ideas will be there when you go back, so give yourself some time and listen to your emotions.

• May 01, 2020
• Mental Health

Escaping The Internet

As I notice my thumb continually gravitating towards where my, now deleted, Instagram app normally lives - where it resides happily, pride of place, easily accessible when zoning out into the endless hours of scrolling - it dawned on me how reliant, or 'addicted to' for use of a better word, I am to that god. damn. app. 

For the last week or so, a cloud has hung over me - a stormy grey cloud; the kind of cloud that follows a character around in a cartoon, dripping sad raindrops upon their head whilst they wallow at the puddle filled ground. It's been trailing behind me for a while now, but I guess the combination of my will to bat it away, as well as the sunshiney weather has warded it off until late.

I've got caught up in comparison, you see, in addition to my mental health slowly deteriorating towards a more negative side. I found myself looking at people's supposedly 'perfect' lives behind my phone screen and wondering, 'why the hell is my life not like that?', 'why don't I have that?' or 'why don't I look like that?', and let's be honest, that's the beginning of a dangerous spiral.

I've touched on this topic before, but seeing as I'm in the midst of feeling a lot right now, I thought, why not touch upon it again? 

"Comparison is the thief of joy" after all. I know that. But more often than not, we can't help but find ourselves locked in a tug-of-war with the bitch.

Of course this isn't just related to Instagram, this is relative to any form of online content that we can find ourselves getting sucked into the comparative wormhole of. However, for me, it's always Instagram that I seem to be knocked down by.

Every time that little heart shaped 'like' appeared at the corner of my screen, I felt validated. Every time a comment was posted on my photo, I felt validated. Every time a new follower appeared, I felt validated. The joy had been sucked out of the creative process for me, and I was more concerned with what people thought of me and being 'liked'. Then I found myself comparing those numbers, those comments, that validation to other people and that's where I found myself falling blindly down the rabbit hole.

Why had become so concerned with what other people were doing? It wasn't like I was angered by it because I hated these people, it's quite the opposite actually, I was still there cheering them on at the sidelines. But, the fact that everyone around me seemed to continually be excelling forward in the Instagram race, whilst I stood static, seemed ignite this feeling of failure inside me.

I never feel good enough, and that's on me more than it is anyone around me (or on my phone screen for that matter). Stepping away from Instagram, even just for a day, has made me realise that I'm my own worst critic - instead of cheering myself on like I do with others, I knock myself down and tell myself I'm not good enough. I tell myself I'm a failure because I've not got 'X' amount of this or 'X' amount of that, when reality, that's not why I began all of this. I began this whole journey to share things I liked, to share images I'd taken, to meet new people.

I guess, I do worry that I'm in the wrong business here because my self-esteem is just so low. Every month I find myself in this head space that just screams 'give up!' and it can be so hard to keep fighting through it. Yet, I do think my love for creativity and sharing what I've created manages to overpower that (somehow??).

I absolutely love Instagram. I think it's a brilliant app and there's so much creativity and amazing people on there, but having noticed how much I naturally gravitate towards it to check in on how well a post is doing, or if my following has grown or dropped, I realised that it can be toxic to be on there 24/7. I need to look at it with a fresher outlook every now and again.

I mean, hey, maybe you can log into that app and feel no comparison whatsoever, if so, I truly envy you (and also, bloody good for you!), but every so often, I get in this rut and I think that's a sign I need to come back to reality for a while.

Taking a step back over these last few days, as well as some absolutely bloody lovely messages from you guys, has been a big help in shifting my mindset. We're all living our own lives after all, so why have I got so caught up trying to be like other people? I can't change who I am or how Instagram/the internet works, so I just need to roll with it.

I've been struggling with my mental health for the last month or so, so obviously that hasn't been a very good contributor to all of this, but putting myself first for once, taking myself away from a toxic situation, has felt really good. I feel refreshed, my mind feels more open and I've realised I need to look at things through a more inspired eye, than a doubtful eye again.

Sometimes space and time away is all we need to recoup and rewire.

Life won't stop just because you take time away from scrolling. All those photos, those words, those ideas will be there when you go back, so give yourself some time and listen to your emotions.

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Right now, it's a weird time for everyone. Our daily routines have been shaken up, our loved ones are either constantly around or extremely far away, and we're living through something I guess we'd never thought we'd live through. Life these days can be truly tedious, or super upbeat and full of energy (depending on the amount of coffee consumed, of course) - it's one big turbulent ride that we've all just got to go along with.

This time in isolation has been hard for me, not solely because each day seems to be an emotional roller-coaster, shifting from staring into space, to dancing around the garden with a aperol spritz in hand, but mostly because of my relationship with food and my body.

*trigger warning*

I was diagnosed with Anorexia, Bulimia and Depression back in 2014, and since then I've recovered well, but as many of you might know, once you've been in the grips of an eating disorder, it's hard to leave those thoughts and emotions behind.

Food has always given me a sense of comfort, as well as being something I can truly loathe. It's that constant in my life that will never leave me - the mundane part of my life that, despite it's ordinary value, seems to send me into a whirlwind of obsession.

As a teenager it was my vice - it was the thing that numbed all the pain that I was feeling. Binge eating on food felt like I was physically suppressing and pushing down all that hurt and upset that I was lugging home from school with me in my Jane Norman tote bag. I was a young girl just trying to fit in with everyone, but I never did seem to fit everyone's standards. I was this awkward teenage circle, trying to fit in a tall, pretty, thin shaped hole of society. Food seemed to be the only thing that wouldn't hurt me and, for a long time, it was the only thing that didn't make me feel alone.

As I grew older, everything flipped on it's head and it became the one thing in my life I could control. It became something my life revolved around - calorie counting, watching that number on the scales, knowing the content of everything I would put into my body. Food had become my worst enemy, yet all I seemed to care about at the same time.

I've been through all the ups and downs of it all, and I'd say I was in a pretty content place right now. However, given the circumstances we've been thrown into, things have felt a little rocky as of late, and I guess I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else is feeling it too.

One of the hardest things for me has been my loss of my *somewhat* routine; not to say that I had this perfectly timed eating routine like I did back in 2014... god, oh god no... nothing like that at all, but I did have a life where I moved around and traveled a lot and I had found solace in placing my meals around that. My life in 2020 is lived freely in comparison to my life in 2014 (ironic that I write this during a lockdown). Food in my teen years was eaten around a very strict time schedule that, if I was even 1 minute of off, would send me into a complete breakdown. Nowadays, it's a different story. My meals are no-where-near that rigid. I mean, sure, I like to eat breakfast in the morning, lunch at lunch time and tea at tea time, but if those meals are at different times each day, so what?! Everything in my life had become flexible and calm over time, and I was happy with that.

Being in lockdown during this time however, has triggered a lot of old emotions. It's hard to be cooped-up inside and not find yourself reaching for the same old meals, with the same old calorific content and wanting to fall back into that old pattern of eating at the same times, just to gain some sense of control again. It's that familiarity and isolation that eating disorders can thrive off.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't nearly fallen back into a timed routine at the beginning of this all. I felt like that would be the only thing that would keep me sane - give me some sense of power over this whole situation. It was easy to think that with the shops being ransacked and the shelves completely emptied, that I could plummet back into a restrictive lifestyle, but luckily I knocked that on the head as soon as I felt it creeping back in.

Sure, it's been hard when some of those 'safe foods' haven't been available or I've been confronted with packets of food that have 'LESS THAN 200 CALORIES' stamped right on the front, but I realised that my life didn't need to change in that respect. My progress with food and the relationship with myself didn't all need to go-to-pot just because my everyday life had a spanner thrown in the works. Just because I wasn't sitting on a Northern Rail train every other day for work, or swanning off to my boyfriend's for a weekend of treat days (when your boyfriend works at Costa Coffee and brings home free cake, you eat the cake, okay?!), it didn't mean I had to revert back to my 16 year old self.

I'm still the person I was before lockdown. I still have all that growth I've worked on. I still have the freedom to enjoy food and not let it control my every thought.

It's hard not to slip back into old habits right now, but I guess my only trick/advice would be to try and override them with new ones. Create new habits that fit your life in isolation. Find what works for you right now, in this moment.

Wake up and eat breakfast with your favourite podcast on, eat a snack whilst indulging in your favourite book, settle down with your evening meal in a calming space. Create a life in isolation that feels homely and safe.

I also find shaking up your meals helps - don't get stuck fixating on specific foods or keeping healthy. Go with your emotions, eat what you have a hankering for. If that's a salad, then fine, if it's a triple cheese pizza, that's also fine!

With everyone around us sharing their morning workouts and their 'slim down during lockdown' plans, it's hard not to feel like you should slip on those running trainers and do 3 long hours of over-exercising - I get it.

For me, exercise is just one massive trigger. I've never been able to exercise purely out of the love of endorphins or the need to be strong, it's always been about burning calories or seeing my thighs shrink.

I try and block out people's workout content when I'm skimming through social media. And, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying people are in the wrong for sharing these things... if you're fit as a fiddle and can run 5K without almost passing out, then bloody well good for you! Who am I to comment as a lazy 21 year old, who's exercise routine consists mostly of walking up and down the stairs?! But, as someone with a brain that constantly screams 'you need to be as thin as her!', it's just not the content I'm into or, to put it better, can handle.

Not long ago, something clicked for me. Until I can exercise out of enjoyment, then it's not something that needs to present in my life. Sometimes it's just another added pressure to change who I am, and I don't necessarily want to right now (a revelation for me, I know). That's not to say I don't exercise at all, of course it's important to get our bodies moving, especially when we're inside most of the time these days. I tend to stick to going for long walks or small 15 minute work-outs that get your blood pumping, but don't trigger off the need to keep going and going.

I've realised that just because someone else is doing something, it doesn't mean I have to too. I'm my own person, and if something in someone else's life doesn't serve me, then that's completely fine.

I've spent so much of my life comparing myself, looking at my reflection in the mirror and thinking 'oh god, I should start working out like 'x'' or 'my thighs don't look like 'x's'. It's draining and, to be frank, quite pointless.

Not everyone's goals and lives are the same. We're on our own paths, with our own ways of living and different levels of accessibility. If simply just getting out of bed each day is all you can do, then that's an achievement in itself. Do what works for you and don't worry about heading out of quarantine with a new set of abs or being 10lbs lighter - I certainly won't be.

As Theodore Roosevelt put so perfectly, "comparison is the thief of joy", and we all need to remember that.

As much as being inside can trigger a lot of restrictive thoughts, as a bulimic, it can also trigger the urge to binge.

With the house filled up with emergency 'rations', it's hard not to feel the food beckoning you over, convincing you to eat it, to indulge, to numb the worry. Plus, it's simply so easy right now to just eat to pass the time - filling the hours with stacks of snacks that you've sneaked past your Mum up to your bedroom.

My biggest struggle lately has been the evenings. I find the days seem to fly by me with no problem at all, whilst the evenings feel really long and, well, lonely.

Loneliness is such a massive contributor to Bulimia in particular. It's a trigger that urges that loss of control and intensifies the need to binge. With no one around you to keep you distracted, it's hard not to give into those thoughts.

A lot of my binges come from feeling low about myself, feeling unwanted, feeling sad, and during this time, those feelings have certainly been heightened. However, I've tried not to be so hard on myself when it comes to binging. If I have binged, it hasn't been to an extreme level and I'm glad about that, but it definitely doesn't make the guilt any lesser. I've had to realise that what we're going through right now is truly surreal, and that it's bound to play with my emotions. As much as the guilt tries to eat me alive (if you pardon the pun), I keep reminding myself that it's okay to indulge every once in a while and that I'm only human.

We're all going to have days where chocolate and a box of biscuits is our only distraction, it's inevitable, so just go easy on yourself. We're all in the same boat, so you're not alone.

I read something recently on BEAT too, which is a really useful tool if you're struggling with consistent binges:

"Think of BLAST - are you Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed or Tired? Try and make a list of distractions for each of these categories so you have an action plan for each of these scenarios. It may be that if you're in isolation someone is there with you and will be able to take your mind off the idea of binging, but there are lots of things you could do on your own, from reading to laundry to playing a game."

I myself have been doing a lot of reading and trying to surround myself with the people in my household as much as I can. I think it can be so easy to hide away when your emotions are low, but having people around you can really distract you from those irrational thoughts.

Coming back to the idea of routine I talked about earlier too, a non-obsessive routine can be really good for warding off binges (non-obsessive is big factor here). Find your flow within your days, notice your hunger queues, maybe associate meals with the time you're watching your favourite show - something that brings you happiness.

With everything going on right now, I just want to remind anyone reading this that may be struggling, that our health is so so important. Remember to take care of yourself, feed your body and try and cut yourself some slack.

We're all going through our own thing, so feel your emotions, don't restrict yourself, treat yourself to that chocolate bar and don't worry about what other people are doing.

If anyone needs an understanding shoulder, then I'm here. I'm always just a message away.

All my love to you all, keep happy and stay safe x

• April 12, 2020
• Mental Health

Dealing With Eating Disorders During The Pandemic

Right now, it's a weird time for everyone. Our daily routines have been shaken up, our loved ones are either constantly around or extremely far away, and we're living through something I guess we'd never thought we'd live through. Life these days can be truly tedious, or super upbeat and full of energy (depending on the amount of coffee consumed, of course) - it's one big turbulent ride that we've all just got to go along with.

This time in isolation has been hard for me, not solely because each day seems to be an emotional roller-coaster, shifting from staring into space, to dancing around the garden with a aperol spritz in hand, but mostly because of my relationship with food and my body.

*trigger warning*

I was diagnosed with Anorexia, Bulimia and Depression back in 2014, and since then I've recovered well, but as many of you might know, once you've been in the grips of an eating disorder, it's hard to leave those thoughts and emotions behind.

Food has always given me a sense of comfort, as well as being something I can truly loathe. It's that constant in my life that will never leave me - the mundane part of my life that, despite it's ordinary value, seems to send me into a whirlwind of obsession.

As a teenager it was my vice - it was the thing that numbed all the pain that I was feeling. Binge eating on food felt like I was physically suppressing and pushing down all that hurt and upset that I was lugging home from school with me in my Jane Norman tote bag. I was a young girl just trying to fit in with everyone, but I never did seem to fit everyone's standards. I was this awkward teenage circle, trying to fit in a tall, pretty, thin shaped hole of society. Food seemed to be the only thing that wouldn't hurt me and, for a long time, it was the only thing that didn't make me feel alone.

As I grew older, everything flipped on it's head and it became the one thing in my life I could control. It became something my life revolved around - calorie counting, watching that number on the scales, knowing the content of everything I would put into my body. Food had become my worst enemy, yet all I seemed to care about at the same time.

I've been through all the ups and downs of it all, and I'd say I was in a pretty content place right now. However, given the circumstances we've been thrown into, things have felt a little rocky as of late, and I guess I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else is feeling it too.

One of the hardest things for me has been my loss of my *somewhat* routine; not to say that I had this perfectly timed eating routine like I did back in 2014... god, oh god no... nothing like that at all, but I did have a life where I moved around and traveled a lot and I had found solace in placing my meals around that. My life in 2020 is lived freely in comparison to my life in 2014 (ironic that I write this during a lockdown). Food in my teen years was eaten around a very strict time schedule that, if I was even 1 minute of off, would send me into a complete breakdown. Nowadays, it's a different story. My meals are no-where-near that rigid. I mean, sure, I like to eat breakfast in the morning, lunch at lunch time and tea at tea time, but if those meals are at different times each day, so what?! Everything in my life had become flexible and calm over time, and I was happy with that.

Being in lockdown during this time however, has triggered a lot of old emotions. It's hard to be cooped-up inside and not find yourself reaching for the same old meals, with the same old calorific content and wanting to fall back into that old pattern of eating at the same times, just to gain some sense of control again. It's that familiarity and isolation that eating disorders can thrive off.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't nearly fallen back into a timed routine at the beginning of this all. I felt like that would be the only thing that would keep me sane - give me some sense of power over this whole situation. It was easy to think that with the shops being ransacked and the shelves completely emptied, that I could plummet back into a restrictive lifestyle, but luckily I knocked that on the head as soon as I felt it creeping back in.

Sure, it's been hard when some of those 'safe foods' haven't been available or I've been confronted with packets of food that have 'LESS THAN 200 CALORIES' stamped right on the front, but I realised that my life didn't need to change in that respect. My progress with food and the relationship with myself didn't all need to go-to-pot just because my everyday life had a spanner thrown in the works. Just because I wasn't sitting on a Northern Rail train every other day for work, or swanning off to my boyfriend's for a weekend of treat days (when your boyfriend works at Costa Coffee and brings home free cake, you eat the cake, okay?!), it didn't mean I had to revert back to my 16 year old self.

I'm still the person I was before lockdown. I still have all that growth I've worked on. I still have the freedom to enjoy food and not let it control my every thought.

It's hard not to slip back into old habits right now, but I guess my only trick/advice would be to try and override them with new ones. Create new habits that fit your life in isolation. Find what works for you right now, in this moment.

Wake up and eat breakfast with your favourite podcast on, eat a snack whilst indulging in your favourite book, settle down with your evening meal in a calming space. Create a life in isolation that feels homely and safe.

I also find shaking up your meals helps - don't get stuck fixating on specific foods or keeping healthy. Go with your emotions, eat what you have a hankering for. If that's a salad, then fine, if it's a triple cheese pizza, that's also fine!

With everyone around us sharing their morning workouts and their 'slim down during lockdown' plans, it's hard not to feel like you should slip on those running trainers and do 3 long hours of over-exercising - I get it.

For me, exercise is just one massive trigger. I've never been able to exercise purely out of the love of endorphins or the need to be strong, it's always been about burning calories or seeing my thighs shrink.

I try and block out people's workout content when I'm skimming through social media. And, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying people are in the wrong for sharing these things... if you're fit as a fiddle and can run 5K without almost passing out, then bloody well good for you! Who am I to comment as a lazy 21 year old, who's exercise routine consists mostly of walking up and down the stairs?! But, as someone with a brain that constantly screams 'you need to be as thin as her!', it's just not the content I'm into or, to put it better, can handle.

Not long ago, something clicked for me. Until I can exercise out of enjoyment, then it's not something that needs to present in my life. Sometimes it's just another added pressure to change who I am, and I don't necessarily want to right now (a revelation for me, I know). That's not to say I don't exercise at all, of course it's important to get our bodies moving, especially when we're inside most of the time these days. I tend to stick to going for long walks or small 15 minute work-outs that get your blood pumping, but don't trigger off the need to keep going and going.

I've realised that just because someone else is doing something, it doesn't mean I have to too. I'm my own person, and if something in someone else's life doesn't serve me, then that's completely fine.

I've spent so much of my life comparing myself, looking at my reflection in the mirror and thinking 'oh god, I should start working out like 'x'' or 'my thighs don't look like 'x's'. It's draining and, to be frank, quite pointless.

Not everyone's goals and lives are the same. We're on our own paths, with our own ways of living and different levels of accessibility. If simply just getting out of bed each day is all you can do, then that's an achievement in itself. Do what works for you and don't worry about heading out of quarantine with a new set of abs or being 10lbs lighter - I certainly won't be.

As Theodore Roosevelt put so perfectly, "comparison is the thief of joy", and we all need to remember that.

As much as being inside can trigger a lot of restrictive thoughts, as a bulimic, it can also trigger the urge to binge.

With the house filled up with emergency 'rations', it's hard not to feel the food beckoning you over, convincing you to eat it, to indulge, to numb the worry. Plus, it's simply so easy right now to just eat to pass the time - filling the hours with stacks of snacks that you've sneaked past your Mum up to your bedroom.

My biggest struggle lately has been the evenings. I find the days seem to fly by me with no problem at all, whilst the evenings feel really long and, well, lonely.

Loneliness is such a massive contributor to Bulimia in particular. It's a trigger that urges that loss of control and intensifies the need to binge. With no one around you to keep you distracted, it's hard not to give into those thoughts.

A lot of my binges come from feeling low about myself, feeling unwanted, feeling sad, and during this time, those feelings have certainly been heightened. However, I've tried not to be so hard on myself when it comes to binging. If I have binged, it hasn't been to an extreme level and I'm glad about that, but it definitely doesn't make the guilt any lesser. I've had to realise that what we're going through right now is truly surreal, and that it's bound to play with my emotions. As much as the guilt tries to eat me alive (if you pardon the pun), I keep reminding myself that it's okay to indulge every once in a while and that I'm only human.

We're all going to have days where chocolate and a box of biscuits is our only distraction, it's inevitable, so just go easy on yourself. We're all in the same boat, so you're not alone.

I read something recently on BEAT too, which is a really useful tool if you're struggling with consistent binges:

"Think of BLAST - are you Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed or Tired? Try and make a list of distractions for each of these categories so you have an action plan for each of these scenarios. It may be that if you're in isolation someone is there with you and will be able to take your mind off the idea of binging, but there are lots of things you could do on your own, from reading to laundry to playing a game."

I myself have been doing a lot of reading and trying to surround myself with the people in my household as much as I can. I think it can be so easy to hide away when your emotions are low, but having people around you can really distract you from those irrational thoughts.

Coming back to the idea of routine I talked about earlier too, a non-obsessive routine can be really good for warding off binges (non-obsessive is big factor here). Find your flow within your days, notice your hunger queues, maybe associate meals with the time you're watching your favourite show - something that brings you happiness.

With everything going on right now, I just want to remind anyone reading this that may be struggling, that our health is so so important. Remember to take care of yourself, feed your body and try and cut yourself some slack.

We're all going through our own thing, so feel your emotions, don't restrict yourself, treat yourself to that chocolate bar and don't worry about what other people are doing.

If anyone needs an understanding shoulder, then I'm here. I'm always just a message away.

All my love to you all, keep happy and stay safe x

Read more »

I've spent the last 10 years searching for something I've never found. Ever. I've come close to the feeling, but only through the trials and tribulations of manipulating myself into forms my soul just quite didn't fit. One day its one thing, another it's the next, and one by one, these 'forms' have swallowed me whole, consumed me entirely, until there's simply a shell of a person left.

Starvation, calorie counting, bulimia, anxiety, depression - a deep wormhole of my own self-hatred - all of which have brought me to where I am today. These are the tactics (metaphorically speaking) that I've clung to. And, now, I'm so deep in my own mind, that sometimes I don't even recognize myself falling back into old habits anymore.

I've had brief encounters with self-love, of course. I've had days, weeks, months even, where I've felt at peace. Yet, the word 'brief' has the most significance here. These periods of my life are gone within a blink of an eye and suddenly I find myself back where I started, clinging to an unfortunately familiar vice that always leaves me feeling the same.

The earliest memory I have of my own self-destruction was when I was about 13. I remember having a photo with a group of friends after a fun day swanning around the city, thinking we were ladies of leisure, despite having school at 8am the next day. We'd stopped to have the obligatory 'day-out' snap, and up until that point I remember having laughed, smiled, and giggled my way through a cold winter Sunday. I stared down at this image of myself and suddenly felt humiliated. I felt embarrassed to be that girl in the photo staring back at me. A frenzied cluster of emotions ran through my body and something inside me clicked - a switch inside my brain had been turned on and I found that my mind had been ordered on a mission it hadn't quite prepared itself for. Running my eyes over my 'large' thighs and scanning the petite pals next to me, I swore I would never be that girl again. I just couldn't not be 'perfect' like the rest of them.

I guess 'perfection' is different to everyone - for me, it has always been to see myself as flawless, and for everything I do in life to be flawless. I want to be this effortless person, with an effortless lifestyle and the effortless instagram account that everyone fawns over. This lifelong hunt of mine has been to capture this beauty - to embody this image I have of myself, of my dream self - and become something completely different to the person I truly I am, or to who my 13 year old self was. I mean, I don't think I truly know what this 'perfect' self is yet, since I've never found it, but there's a force within me that's constantly willing me to get there.

This perfection I see in others is a mystery to me. There's something I see in other people - in their appearance, in their souls, in their lives - that I've just never seen within myself. I often wonder what it'd be like to live an anxiety-free life, waking up with the perfectly formed body, the healthy glowing skin, the problem-less money and the clear career path. I daydream about waking up with nothing but thoughts of my early morning coffee on my mind, and going about life not wondering how I can make myself better, make myself 'desirable'. But, if there's one thing that I've noticed through all these years of pining after the same distant illusion, one thing that has always stopped me in my tracks, it's that...

I am in fact a very flawed person.

I am imperfect.

Amidst every thing that I portray online, I am someone who struggles. I am someone with issues on top of issues, and life often feels incredibly heavy to me. There are small fleeting moments in my life where I find silence, usually around loved ones and days where I'm distracted from my phone. I don't wake up to the sound of bird song with a perfectly poured latte in hand and I definitely don't have a 10 step skincare routine made up of La Roche Posay and Emma Hardie cleansers. I don't have a perfectly toned body and a wardrobe to die for, and I don't have a lot of money, ever. The internet is an illusion, I know that about my own life, for sure, but there's something inside me that stops me applying that to other people too. I'm not saying that what I share is a lie, of course, I just find that I'm constantly trying to live up to the standard that other people portray, even though they're most likely in that same sinking ship as I am.

Throughout the last 10 years, I've gone from a teenager to a young woman and within that, I've still helplessly clung onto the hopes and dreams of my 13 year old self. I've slid past parts of life that would have taught me things, that would have helped me grow, and that in itself has been one of my biggest downfalls. I mean, I've managed to become someone that I'm content with personality wise. I think my parents shaped me into a kind, polite and understanding person, and I'm forever grateful for that, but I feel like there's a missing part of me that would make me stronger, that would have helped me fight for more, that would have given me more of a sense of self.

I guess that thing would be confidence. I think I'm missing that compelling feeling of 'I'm okay as I am' and that 'I don't need to change'. There's something inside me that is consistently convincing me that I'm wrong. My face is wrong, my body is wrong, that everything I do and create is wrong. Wouldn't it be nice to knock that feeling?

I've never stepped back and just let myself 'stop', despite the amount of days I spend nestled in my duvet, with only the screen of a Netflix show to light up the room. Even in the moments where I think I'm finally taking some time to be at peace, there's still a whirlwind of thoughts consuming me, a whole world of deep-seated hurt that is circling around my mind. And, maybe I'll never know what it's like not to be preoccupied with all-consuming thoughts. Maybe I'll write endlessly about how my eating disorders have taken over my life, about how I feel lost in a world full of picture-perfect lives. Maybe that's just how my life is meant to be. There are thousands of days which have passed me by, all caught up in a daze of 'perfection', and it's frightening that that might be forever for me.

It would be remarkable if I could just quieten the noise a tiny bit. I would love to wake up to an empty mind and a fresh feeling one day. I want to care less and live more, nothing standing in my way to push me back down. I wish to stop comparing my lives to others, my body to others, as I am not them, and I wish I could find contentment in all that I am and do. I want the weight of the world to be lifted from my shoulders and contemplating perfection to simply be a thing of the past.

Soon I hope to accept myself, flaws and all.

"unless I am myself, I am nobody". - Virginia Wolf

• February 09, 2020
• Mental Health

Caught Up In Perfection

I've spent the last 10 years searching for something I've never found. Ever. I've come close to the feeling, but only through the trials and tribulations of manipulating myself into forms my soul just quite didn't fit. One day its one thing, another it's the next, and one by one, these 'forms' have swallowed me whole, consumed me entirely, until there's simply a shell of a person left.

Starvation, calorie counting, bulimia, anxiety, depression - a deep wormhole of my own self-hatred - all of which have brought me to where I am today. These are the tactics (metaphorically speaking) that I've clung to. And, now, I'm so deep in my own mind, that sometimes I don't even recognize myself falling back into old habits anymore.

I've had brief encounters with self-love, of course. I've had days, weeks, months even, where I've felt at peace. Yet, the word 'brief' has the most significance here. These periods of my life are gone within a blink of an eye and suddenly I find myself back where I started, clinging to an unfortunately familiar vice that always leaves me feeling the same.

The earliest memory I have of my own self-destruction was when I was about 13. I remember having a photo with a group of friends after a fun day swanning around the city, thinking we were ladies of leisure, despite having school at 8am the next day. We'd stopped to have the obligatory 'day-out' snap, and up until that point I remember having laughed, smiled, and giggled my way through a cold winter Sunday. I stared down at this image of myself and suddenly felt humiliated. I felt embarrassed to be that girl in the photo staring back at me. A frenzied cluster of emotions ran through my body and something inside me clicked - a switch inside my brain had been turned on and I found that my mind had been ordered on a mission it hadn't quite prepared itself for. Running my eyes over my 'large' thighs and scanning the petite pals next to me, I swore I would never be that girl again. I just couldn't not be 'perfect' like the rest of them.

I guess 'perfection' is different to everyone - for me, it has always been to see myself as flawless, and for everything I do in life to be flawless. I want to be this effortless person, with an effortless lifestyle and the effortless instagram account that everyone fawns over. This lifelong hunt of mine has been to capture this beauty - to embody this image I have of myself, of my dream self - and become something completely different to the person I truly I am, or to who my 13 year old self was. I mean, I don't think I truly know what this 'perfect' self is yet, since I've never found it, but there's a force within me that's constantly willing me to get there.

This perfection I see in others is a mystery to me. There's something I see in other people - in their appearance, in their souls, in their lives - that I've just never seen within myself. I often wonder what it'd be like to live an anxiety-free life, waking up with the perfectly formed body, the healthy glowing skin, the problem-less money and the clear career path. I daydream about waking up with nothing but thoughts of my early morning coffee on my mind, and going about life not wondering how I can make myself better, make myself 'desirable'. But, if there's one thing that I've noticed through all these years of pining after the same distant illusion, one thing that has always stopped me in my tracks, it's that...

I am in fact a very flawed person.

I am imperfect.

Amidst every thing that I portray online, I am someone who struggles. I am someone with issues on top of issues, and life often feels incredibly heavy to me. There are small fleeting moments in my life where I find silence, usually around loved ones and days where I'm distracted from my phone. I don't wake up to the sound of bird song with a perfectly poured latte in hand and I definitely don't have a 10 step skincare routine made up of La Roche Posay and Emma Hardie cleansers. I don't have a perfectly toned body and a wardrobe to die for, and I don't have a lot of money, ever. The internet is an illusion, I know that about my own life, for sure, but there's something inside me that stops me applying that to other people too. I'm not saying that what I share is a lie, of course, I just find that I'm constantly trying to live up to the standard that other people portray, even though they're most likely in that same sinking ship as I am.

Throughout the last 10 years, I've gone from a teenager to a young woman and within that, I've still helplessly clung onto the hopes and dreams of my 13 year old self. I've slid past parts of life that would have taught me things, that would have helped me grow, and that in itself has been one of my biggest downfalls. I mean, I've managed to become someone that I'm content with personality wise. I think my parents shaped me into a kind, polite and understanding person, and I'm forever grateful for that, but I feel like there's a missing part of me that would make me stronger, that would have helped me fight for more, that would have given me more of a sense of self.

I guess that thing would be confidence. I think I'm missing that compelling feeling of 'I'm okay as I am' and that 'I don't need to change'. There's something inside me that is consistently convincing me that I'm wrong. My face is wrong, my body is wrong, that everything I do and create is wrong. Wouldn't it be nice to knock that feeling?

I've never stepped back and just let myself 'stop', despite the amount of days I spend nestled in my duvet, with only the screen of a Netflix show to light up the room. Even in the moments where I think I'm finally taking some time to be at peace, there's still a whirlwind of thoughts consuming me, a whole world of deep-seated hurt that is circling around my mind. And, maybe I'll never know what it's like not to be preoccupied with all-consuming thoughts. Maybe I'll write endlessly about how my eating disorders have taken over my life, about how I feel lost in a world full of picture-perfect lives. Maybe that's just how my life is meant to be. There are thousands of days which have passed me by, all caught up in a daze of 'perfection', and it's frightening that that might be forever for me.

It would be remarkable if I could just quieten the noise a tiny bit. I would love to wake up to an empty mind and a fresh feeling one day. I want to care less and live more, nothing standing in my way to push me back down. I wish to stop comparing my lives to others, my body to others, as I am not them, and I wish I could find contentment in all that I am and do. I want the weight of the world to be lifted from my shoulders and contemplating perfection to simply be a thing of the past.

Soon I hope to accept myself, flaws and all.

"unless I am myself, I am nobody". - Virginia Wolf

Read more »

As last year came to a close, I found myself seeking more and more simplicity in my life. From my day-to-day living, to my wardrobe full of clothes and my overflowing thoughts, everything just felt cluttered and unorganized. And then, through some sort of "new decade" epiphany, I suddenly had this new understanding of how I wanted to live and how I saw things going forward.

I no longer felt the urge to hold onto things, both physical and mental, and I slowly began to think about things in a different way. For so so long, everything in my life has felt so jumbled and chaotic, and it's had an effect on me like I never even realised.

I'm a person who truly lives by the mantra "tidy room, tidy mind" and I try and apply it to everything I do. I can't quite sit still knowing things need to be done. I find myself getting so overwhelmed by the copious amounts of things I've accumulated, or by the amount of pressure to be successful that I put on myself. I basically drive myself crazy.

I think one of the hardest things I've had to let go of is this notorious insanity I've carried around with me since my teens. My mental health has always defined a huge part of me and, despite the fact that I still struggle with it now, things are a lot better and I need to teach that irrational part of my mind to accept that.

There seems to be this mentality, especially with eating disorders, that we tell ourselves that we don't 'really' want to get better, and that can have us clinging onto every vice for dear life.

I want to simply focus more on my issues in the here and the now. And, rather than the usual brain overload state that I get myself into, I'm trying to take things day by day and take small, slow steps to combat my problems.

I want to try and make my day-to-day life easier on myself. Don't we all?
I'm learning to try and understand my emotions more, and to understand when I truly need a break. I'm finding myself more and more able to take time on my own to practice some self-care and that's a lot more than I've actually managed to do before.

There are emotions sunk deep inside me that I don't need anymore - things I'm clinging onto for no god damn reason - but I'm feeling ready to let go of those things and focus on the issues that I have present day.

I actually spent a lot of the end of last year decluttering all of my belongings, on top of my clothes too.

As I've grown older, I've found myself wanting to live more sustainably and understanding that I don't need to hang onto everything that enters my life. I mean, it's hard with the job that I do - PR packages turn up on a regular basis, fashion is constantly changing and as a creator you have to keep up to date - but sometimes things just don't get used enough, or worn enough, or loved enough, and that's when I need to consider the fact something may be more enjoyed by someone else.

Over this year, the decluttering process will 100% be ongoing. It's a big job to tackle when I've been working from the same bedroom in my hometown for the last 6 years, but I'm looking forward to the end result and hope to create almost a 'one in one out' kind of system with my belongings.

I want to donate to charity more, share things with friends more and have clarity to live in the space I work in.

I've realised that clutter doesn't suit me, in any sense of the word. I like the plain, the simple, the easy, and I'm just trying to implement that more and more.

I'm not saying that I leapt into the new year feeling like I had some fresh clean slate, because I certainly haven't. The January blues have been defiant over the last week or so, as they always are. I hoped I'd spring into action as the 1st week of the year hit, but it's been harder than expected. However, to even have this fresh mindset to work off of, is something wonderful to me.

I'm excited to experience more rationality and stability in 2020. It's something I've sought after for so long in my life, but it's only now that I truly understand those little things I need to do to achieve it.

So, yeah, I'm letting go of a lot of stuff, but with that comes a sense of ease as I see my life becoming more and more simple to venture through.

Shop the post:

• January 12, 2020
• Lifestyle

Simply Letting Go

As last year came to a close, I found myself seeking more and more simplicity in my life. From my day-to-day living, to my wardrobe full of clothes and my overflowing thoughts, everything just felt cluttered and unorganized. And then, through some sort of "new decade" epiphany, I suddenly had this new understanding of how I wanted to live and how I saw things going forward.

I no longer felt the urge to hold onto things, both physical and mental, and I slowly began to think about things in a different way. For so so long, everything in my life has felt so jumbled and chaotic, and it's had an effect on me like I never even realised.

I'm a person who truly lives by the mantra "tidy room, tidy mind" and I try and apply it to everything I do. I can't quite sit still knowing things need to be done. I find myself getting so overwhelmed by the copious amounts of things I've accumulated, or by the amount of pressure to be successful that I put on myself. I basically drive myself crazy.

I think one of the hardest things I've had to let go of is this notorious insanity I've carried around with me since my teens. My mental health has always defined a huge part of me and, despite the fact that I still struggle with it now, things are a lot better and I need to teach that irrational part of my mind to accept that.

There seems to be this mentality, especially with eating disorders, that we tell ourselves that we don't 'really' want to get better, and that can have us clinging onto every vice for dear life.

I want to simply focus more on my issues in the here and the now. And, rather than the usual brain overload state that I get myself into, I'm trying to take things day by day and take small, slow steps to combat my problems.

I want to try and make my day-to-day life easier on myself. Don't we all?
I'm learning to try and understand my emotions more, and to understand when I truly need a break. I'm finding myself more and more able to take time on my own to practice some self-care and that's a lot more than I've actually managed to do before.

There are emotions sunk deep inside me that I don't need anymore - things I'm clinging onto for no god damn reason - but I'm feeling ready to let go of those things and focus on the issues that I have present day.

I actually spent a lot of the end of last year decluttering all of my belongings, on top of my clothes too.

As I've grown older, I've found myself wanting to live more sustainably and understanding that I don't need to hang onto everything that enters my life. I mean, it's hard with the job that I do - PR packages turn up on a regular basis, fashion is constantly changing and as a creator you have to keep up to date - but sometimes things just don't get used enough, or worn enough, or loved enough, and that's when I need to consider the fact something may be more enjoyed by someone else.

Over this year, the decluttering process will 100% be ongoing. It's a big job to tackle when I've been working from the same bedroom in my hometown for the last 6 years, but I'm looking forward to the end result and hope to create almost a 'one in one out' kind of system with my belongings.

I want to donate to charity more, share things with friends more and have clarity to live in the space I work in.

I've realised that clutter doesn't suit me, in any sense of the word. I like the plain, the simple, the easy, and I'm just trying to implement that more and more.

I'm not saying that I leapt into the new year feeling like I had some fresh clean slate, because I certainly haven't. The January blues have been defiant over the last week or so, as they always are. I hoped I'd spring into action as the 1st week of the year hit, but it's been harder than expected. However, to even have this fresh mindset to work off of, is something wonderful to me.

I'm excited to experience more rationality and stability in 2020. It's something I've sought after for so long in my life, but it's only now that I truly understand those little things I need to do to achieve it.

So, yeah, I'm letting go of a lot of stuff, but with that comes a sense of ease as I see my life becoming more and more simple to venture through.

Shop the post:

Read more »

This past week or so has been a period of change for me. I've been slowly trying to find myself again - I've felt lost amongst a sea of Bali bikini photos, beautifully shot streets style, and PR events I couldn't make. I've been clinging onto this vice of comparison, and the sudden consciousness of that has been a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I feel like for a really long time, this comparison to others has completely taken over my life and my creativity. I've found myself so off-track, and panicking over what to produce and how to produce it. I've dabbled in so many different styles, yet it's always left me feeling deflated. There's always something making me think my work isn't as good, and up to scratch, as everyone else's.

I don't live in a picturesque city. There are no beautiful backdrops on my door step. It takes a lot of time to produce content if I'm choosing to shoot outdoors - time that I no longer have a lot of and that has lately been consumed by a lot of ups and downs in my own life.

This whole thing has become so obsessive to me. I can spend hours planning out an Instagram feed and 'stalking' other people to see if my work is as good as theirs. It's driven me mad - mad to the point where it's affected my joy of my job, as well as my mental health.

So, with that in mind, I'm trying to strip it back. I'm trying to focus on me, solely me, and what I'm good at. It may not be the most 'perfect' content, but it's mine. It's personal to me, my own lifestyle and I enjoy creating it.

I think that with the pressures of social media these days, it can be hard not to lose yourself. It's so difficult not to be comparing yourself to everything else that's out there. But, I just want my life to feel more lighthearted again. I just want to go back to creating what I love and enjoy doing it at the same time.

I'm just going to do 'Me', and I hope that's okay.

• November 22, 2019
• Lifestyle

Reclaiming Myself From The Pressures Of Social Media

This past week or so has been a period of change for me. I've been slowly trying to find myself again - I've felt lost amongst a sea of Bali bikini photos, beautifully shot streets style, and PR events I couldn't make. I've been clinging onto this vice of comparison, and the sudden consciousness of that has been a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I feel like for a really long time, this comparison to others has completely taken over my life and my creativity. I've found myself so off-track, and panicking over what to produce and how to produce it. I've dabbled in so many different styles, yet it's always left me feeling deflated. There's always something making me think my work isn't as good, and up to scratch, as everyone else's.

I don't live in a picturesque city. There are no beautiful backdrops on my door step. It takes a lot of time to produce content if I'm choosing to shoot outdoors - time that I no longer have a lot of and that has lately been consumed by a lot of ups and downs in my own life.

This whole thing has become so obsessive to me. I can spend hours planning out an Instagram feed and 'stalking' other people to see if my work is as good as theirs. It's driven me mad - mad to the point where it's affected my joy of my job, as well as my mental health.

So, with that in mind, I'm trying to strip it back. I'm trying to focus on me, solely me, and what I'm good at. It may not be the most 'perfect' content, but it's mine. It's personal to me, my own lifestyle and I enjoy creating it.

I think that with the pressures of social media these days, it can be hard not to lose yourself. It's so difficult not to be comparing yourself to everything else that's out there. But, I just want my life to feel more lighthearted again. I just want to go back to creating what I love and enjoy doing it at the same time.

I'm just going to do 'Me', and I hope that's okay.

Read more »

*trigger warning*

I feel like it's been a while since I've sat here and opened up to you guys. I mean, that has been the premise of this platform for such a long time, you know? A place for me to share my experiences and put my thoughts out there into the world - a place which felt safe for me to open up. Lately however, I've found myself lost for words, with hardly anything to type out onto this blank page before me. I guess you could say I've been uninspired, had writers block, or any of the usual reasonings, but the reality is, that life has just felt very heavy as of late.

Everything from waking up in a morning, to making a cup of tea, to trying to sleep at night, has felt exhausting. All of the usual things that brought me joy seem to have faded into the background and I've just been floating about, trying to piece it all back together.

It's not an unfamiliar feeling, not at all, but the weight that it has planted on me is something comparable to an elephant being sat on my chest.


I've felt kind of alone with it all, and not because I haven't got good people around me, because I do, but more because it's such a confusing feeling to explain.

As with anything mental health related, all experiences are unique, so despite having had these feelings before, the encounter with it feels entirely different. And, well, that doesn't make it easy to explain to people how I'm feeling... especially when I barely understand it myself.

I suppose that's why I'm writing this now.

With that in mind, I guess it's difficult to explain to others how you feel when they only have their own experiences themselves to go off. I can't expect someone who's also had depression to have had the exact same timeline as me and have the answer to all of my problems. I especially can't expect the people around me to understand my eating disorders when they themselves have never had an issue like that.

It's such a complex thing, and ideally there would be one straight answer of how to fix all mental health issues, but life doesn't work that way.

It's felt confusing for a while that, when I do pluck up the guts to open up and talk to people, they don't really 'get' it. No one can really pin-point or define what I'm feeling. Honestly though, I really don't expect people to understand. It's not an easy thing for me to lay down in simple terms. I mean, it's normally a situation where I'm just blurting out suppressed emotion, so it never really makes any sense.

I think it's become easier and easier to conceal from people because of that. It feels less complicated to keep it to myself sometimes, but I know that's not the right thing to do.


To put it as plain and simple as I possibly can, right here, right now... I would say I'm somewhere amidst a relapse. I've felt unmotivated, low, anxious, unable to eat, not wanting to eat, not eating, aware of my weight, trying to lose weight, losing weight, confused, scared, and all of what's inbetween. I've felt as if I'm in some weird bubble that has managed to trap me inside and I'm really struggling to break free. I've felt completely suffocated by my own thoughts, and spend most days going back-and-forth arguing with myself over whether to eat, sleep, get dressed etc.

I mean, at first I thought I knew where this was coming from. I thought it was the same thing as always (my everlasting self loathing, of course) but there have been so many ups, downs and curve-balls this year, that there just seems to be more to it this time.

I feel a lot of things that I've felt before, like the need to starve myself or the heavy weight of depression lingering over me, but there's this underlying emptiness which I can't even define as either of those things. It feels so peculiar and confusing, that I almost feel like I'm floating above my own life.

Well, maybe I have felt it before, but just don't remember? I mean, there's a lot I don't really remember from 4 years ago.

I can feel myself falling back into old habits and thinking things I've not had to battle with in a long time. My world has become a sea of calories, weight and seeking validation again, and I keep finding myself avoiding social situations - hiding out in my house for as long as I can. It's got a sickening 'homely' feeling to it all.


The good thing, I suppose, is that I know it's happening. I always think that as long as I can feel myself falling, then there's no reason why I can't pick myself back up again. But it's always an up hill battle. It's never an easy thing to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off. I can't just click a switch in my brain and change things back to how they were - I've got to go through the whole process of reprogramming myself, and that's sometimes the most daunting part.


It feels silly to typing a lot of this, honestly. To a lot of people, my life has just been carrying on as normal, particularly if you follow me on any social media. You're probably looking at my page and thinking 'this girl's not sad!', but that's the horrible truth about the internet sometimes... the internet isn't real life, and my real life is no where near as picturesque as my Instagram account might seem.

I think it's so easy for people to just put on a smile sometimes and get on with things, I know that is for me. I just head off to work, click a switch and the 'show' begins. All my energy goes into pretending that I'm okay. I guess I've got a knack for suppressing things. But, especially when it comes to portraying myself on the internet, it's not difficult to press a couple of buttons on an app and post a happy smiley photo. I mean, 90% of the time that I've recently posted on anything, I've been lay in bed all day, crying, struggling to muster the energy to do anything else at all.

It's weird to think that you really only know so much about someone from a couple of photos on the internet. I think we all need to remember that more often.


But, yeah, I'm in a weird place right now. I'm in a limbo between completely losing myself to my thoughts, or fighting back with what little energy I do have. It's weird to know I'm aware of it, and also kind of terrifying. There are so many thoughts swirling round my head all the time, I'm not sure what to listen to.

It's felt good to get it off my chest, nonetheless... even if it is quite liberally on the internet, for whoever to see, but maybe me writing this can help someone who feels the same right now... I don't know.

• October 27, 2019
• Mental Health

Life Lately

*trigger warning*

I feel like it's been a while since I've sat here and opened up to you guys. I mean, that has been the premise of this platform for such a long time, you know? A place for me to share my experiences and put my thoughts out there into the world - a place which felt safe for me to open up. Lately however, I've found myself lost for words, with hardly anything to type out onto this blank page before me. I guess you could say I've been uninspired, had writers block, or any of the usual reasonings, but the reality is, that life has just felt very heavy as of late.

Everything from waking up in a morning, to making a cup of tea, to trying to sleep at night, has felt exhausting. All of the usual things that brought me joy seem to have faded into the background and I've just been floating about, trying to piece it all back together.

It's not an unfamiliar feeling, not at all, but the weight that it has planted on me is something comparable to an elephant being sat on my chest.


I've felt kind of alone with it all, and not because I haven't got good people around me, because I do, but more because it's such a confusing feeling to explain.

As with anything mental health related, all experiences are unique, so despite having had these feelings before, the encounter with it feels entirely different. And, well, that doesn't make it easy to explain to people how I'm feeling... especially when I barely understand it myself.

I suppose that's why I'm writing this now.

With that in mind, I guess it's difficult to explain to others how you feel when they only have their own experiences themselves to go off. I can't expect someone who's also had depression to have had the exact same timeline as me and have the answer to all of my problems. I especially can't expect the people around me to understand my eating disorders when they themselves have never had an issue like that.

It's such a complex thing, and ideally there would be one straight answer of how to fix all mental health issues, but life doesn't work that way.

It's felt confusing for a while that, when I do pluck up the guts to open up and talk to people, they don't really 'get' it. No one can really pin-point or define what I'm feeling. Honestly though, I really don't expect people to understand. It's not an easy thing for me to lay down in simple terms. I mean, it's normally a situation where I'm just blurting out suppressed emotion, so it never really makes any sense.

I think it's become easier and easier to conceal from people because of that. It feels less complicated to keep it to myself sometimes, but I know that's not the right thing to do.


To put it as plain and simple as I possibly can, right here, right now... I would say I'm somewhere amidst a relapse. I've felt unmotivated, low, anxious, unable to eat, not wanting to eat, not eating, aware of my weight, trying to lose weight, losing weight, confused, scared, and all of what's inbetween. I've felt as if I'm in some weird bubble that has managed to trap me inside and I'm really struggling to break free. I've felt completely suffocated by my own thoughts, and spend most days going back-and-forth arguing with myself over whether to eat, sleep, get dressed etc.

I mean, at first I thought I knew where this was coming from. I thought it was the same thing as always (my everlasting self loathing, of course) but there have been so many ups, downs and curve-balls this year, that there just seems to be more to it this time.

I feel a lot of things that I've felt before, like the need to starve myself or the heavy weight of depression lingering over me, but there's this underlying emptiness which I can't even define as either of those things. It feels so peculiar and confusing, that I almost feel like I'm floating above my own life.

Well, maybe I have felt it before, but just don't remember? I mean, there's a lot I don't really remember from 4 years ago.

I can feel myself falling back into old habits and thinking things I've not had to battle with in a long time. My world has become a sea of calories, weight and seeking validation again, and I keep finding myself avoiding social situations - hiding out in my house for as long as I can. It's got a sickening 'homely' feeling to it all.


The good thing, I suppose, is that I know it's happening. I always think that as long as I can feel myself falling, then there's no reason why I can't pick myself back up again. But it's always an up hill battle. It's never an easy thing to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off. I can't just click a switch in my brain and change things back to how they were - I've got to go through the whole process of reprogramming myself, and that's sometimes the most daunting part.


It feels silly to typing a lot of this, honestly. To a lot of people, my life has just been carrying on as normal, particularly if you follow me on any social media. You're probably looking at my page and thinking 'this girl's not sad!', but that's the horrible truth about the internet sometimes... the internet isn't real life, and my real life is no where near as picturesque as my Instagram account might seem.

I think it's so easy for people to just put on a smile sometimes and get on with things, I know that is for me. I just head off to work, click a switch and the 'show' begins. All my energy goes into pretending that I'm okay. I guess I've got a knack for suppressing things. But, especially when it comes to portraying myself on the internet, it's not difficult to press a couple of buttons on an app and post a happy smiley photo. I mean, 90% of the time that I've recently posted on anything, I've been lay in bed all day, crying, struggling to muster the energy to do anything else at all.

It's weird to think that you really only know so much about someone from a couple of photos on the internet. I think we all need to remember that more often.


But, yeah, I'm in a weird place right now. I'm in a limbo between completely losing myself to my thoughts, or fighting back with what little energy I do have. It's weird to know I'm aware of it, and also kind of terrifying. There are so many thoughts swirling round my head all the time, I'm not sure what to listen to.

It's felt good to get it off my chest, nonetheless... even if it is quite liberally on the internet, for whoever to see, but maybe me writing this can help someone who feels the same right now... I don't know.

Read more »