That's right guys, I went on a date... In fact, I've been on more than one.

Going on a date always seemed like it would be such a pinnacle moment in my life. I set these super high expectations (like I do with everything) and welll.... dates just aren't like they are in the movies, are they?... Although I could sit here and write blog post after blog post, about all the different dates I've been on, I thought I'd go for a more 'reflective' vibe, because I tell you what, going on dates actually taught me a lot about myself.


Now, considering I'm a sufferer of anxiety and various other mental illnesses, you'd think I'd be an absolute nervous wreck when it comes to going on a date, but actually, I'm quite the opposite.

The whole idea of a 'date' is totally terrifying, isn't it? I mean, you're basically sitting across and talking to someone who's never met you before and is sat there completely judging you. They're looking at your outfit, your hair, listening to what you say... daunting, right? Well, for some strange reason, nothing about that scares me.

I think it's maybe because I kind of just think 'don't like me, don't care'. I've reached a point in my life where I honestly don't care if you don't like me, because at the end of the day, there are people out there that do, so I can just talk to them instead. If someone isn't the person for you, or you're not 'clicking', then I've just learnt to forget about it - not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay.  Anyway, I also think one of the main reasons that I don't get that scared about them, is probably also the fact that I'm so used to having to go and meet random people all of time anyway (lol that sounds so weird). With modelling, you have to go to castings and impress, sometimes a room full of people, and you only get one chance to do so. I'll have to go and meet photographers for shoots and I'll have never met them before in my life! The same goes for blogging too. I'll go to events and meet people who I've only ever spoken to online or I'll, again, go to shoot some outfits with a photographer. I guess I'm just kind of used to dealing with 'stranger danger' (lol) and having to make a good first impression.


One thing that is incredibly worrying, on a first date especially, is the idea of not having anything to talk about. The idea of any sort of awkward silence or uncomfortable difference in interest, is literally a dating worst nightmare. However, I've never really experienced that yet. I think it's genuinely because I just talk... about anything.. all. the. time. I find it easy to talk about anything and everything and usually, I just talk about myself or something incredibly generic (like the weather for example). If worst comes to worst, my advice is: just say anything. I've found that, even if the date is a complete 'no' from the moment it starts, I can keep the conversation up for the next few hours (until I finally escape and can breathe a sigh of relief that I no longer have to chat about the fact that 'the weather's awful today')

I've been on first dates where we've spoken about politics and world events and then on other dates where I've spoken about nights out and being too drunk - it just depends on the feel for the conversation I suppose. But either way, I don't think I've had to deal with too many awkward silences just yet.


This one might not necessarily be a positive thing, but let's just talk about it a little bit.

I am someone who is very open about what they've been through - especially nowadays. I have no shame in sharing what I've been through or what I'm going through, because at the end of the day, that's me... it's a big part of me.

Like I said earlier, I have the mentality of 'don't like me, don't care', so I tend to find that I avoid people who don't really take much interest in things like my blog or whatever. However, I've been in situations, with people I thought were 'right' and felt comfortable with, where I've brought up my mental health or things that have happened to me, and I've not really received a response that has made me feel that great. I've told people things that are quite personal and then been left a little bit, well... upset. I didn't feel comforted, or like it didn't matter and that they liked 'me for me', I felt embarrassed (something which I never usually feel) and like I wanted to run away and hide. I instantly regretted opening up.

On the other hand, I've been on dates where I've opened up about things, things that I've never even talked about on here before, or even to anyone else, and it's been lovely. I've told them some deep dark secrets and they've made me feel so good about it - not like I should just shut up and never mention it again.

So I guess, I've learnt to judge better when it comes to opening up to people. I need to know that the person I'm telling stuff too, is worth telling.


I'm someone who never thought they had a type. I was all like 'Oh, I don't really care... anyone with a pulse to be honest'... but oh, my. god. (you have to read that in Janice's voice from Friends) I am such a picky little bitch. I never even realised it before, but I literally have my ideal man, illustrated perfectly in my mind.

I won't describe him to you on here, because if my future boyf (if there ever is one) or husband (if there ever is one) ever reads this, and he doesn't fit the description, I'm going to feel really bad. But the thing is, I never even noticed how much more attracted I am to a specific type of person than I am to another. I know what I want and unfortunately, when people haven't met that description, I feel like everything has just fallen a bit 'flat'. Hopefully, one day, someone might fit the description. (where for art thou Prince Charming?)

Physical attraction is incredibly important. The physical attraction needs to be there, just as much as an emotional connection needs to be there. Without any sort of thought like 'omg, he's so hot', there's never going to be that 'spark' that I want.


I've spent a lot of time thinking that there was something wrong with me. No matter who I went on a date with or what we talked about, there always seemed to be something missing. I began thinking I was incapable of any emotion - I just didn't feel anything. As much as I thought someone was a great guy or was really attractive, I just wasn't getting that 'spark' or 'connection' that people talk about. I didn't even feel butterflies.

(I'd love to talk about the above ^^ more in depth in another blog post, so let me know if you'd like to see that)

I dwelled on this for soooo long, but now I realise it's because the people weren't right. The people I spoke to and dated, weren't right and you really can't force something like that. When the person is right, that's when I'll get the 'spark' and the 'butterflies' and I'll know. (lol cringe Hol haha)

"There's nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood and understanding someone else"

So, yep, there you go. That's what I've learnt from my very short and small amount of dating. Let me know down in the comments what dating is like for you and whether we have anything in common!

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