I said in my last post that, for the first time in a long time, I was finally made to truly 'feel' again. For the past 3 years, I can honestly say that I've lost the ability to feel a lot of emotion. When I laugh, I can often still feel very empty inside - it's like my body is laughing, but my heart and my mind are frozen still, not feeling or doing a thing. And yeah, you might think that that sounds incredibly sad, and I suppose it is, but I think I'm just grateful that there are moments that I laugh and smile, even if I don't feel much when it happens. I think my body has just become taken over by a numbness, almost like a protective coat, armoring me from anything bad, but yet, I can safely say, the bad can still get in.

I don't necessarily want this to be a negative blog post, so just hear me out a little bit...

Right now, I'd say I'm probably the happiest I've ever been. My blog is growing, I've met some amazing new friends over the past few months, whilst also seeing and chatting to old ones, and I'm growing more and more content by the day. However, I can quite honestly say that, I am still a very sad person. There are still dark corners of my mind that sometimes get to me, there are days where I wake up and feel empty and like all I want to do is cry and go back to bed and there are moments that I'm just simply not 'OK'.

You see, I've never said I was 'fixed', but I think I tend to give off the persona that I am. Online, I chat and give people advice because, I'll be honest, I do feel pretty knowledgeable about how to deal with those kinds of things, and I think that people see that and think 'woah, she's recovered, she's fixed, it's a miracle', when really, even when I'm at one of the most happiest points of my life, the sad thoughts and the dark emotions can creep in.


I woke up on the second day of LFW, looked in the mirror and thought 'I hate myself'. I looked at my body and wanted to curl up and hide away so that nobody could see me. Body Dysmorphia was in full swing and all I could see was this horrid, disgusting, warped version of myself. I felt bloated and swollen and like I was slowly ballooning by the minute. I had a tiny spot inbetween my eye brows that just seemed to expand every time I looked at it, and I'd had the worst nights sleep ever - I just didn't feel as amazing as I would have liked to have woken up and felt.

Despite that, I told myself to remain positive. I wasn't going to let this spoil my trip to London - I was here to having an amazing time, so that was what I was going to do. And so, after venting and receiving some fabulous motivational advice from my angel, Beth, and giving myself a good talking to, I pushed through it and throughout the day I was happy - sooooo incredibly happy - there's absolutely no denying it. I was in my element; I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. But, I guess, there's also no denying the fact that there was still that inkling of sadness within me at the same time. Eventhough I knew I was happy, I also knew that the moment I got home, I would come tumbling back to reality and be dealing with the Body Dysmorphia (and everything that goes along with it) from HELL. I knew that all the indulging and the fun I was having would hit home with that nasty part of my brain once I returned back home, and I was right.


At this very moment, I feel like crap - I feel like an ugly blob. My mind is niggling away at me and I'm overwhelmed with work. I'm stressed and my skin is breaking out. I'm tired and the idea of the busy week ahead of me is making my chest tight and my legs tired. Yet, I can still safely say that, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I still feel content with my life, I still feel grateful to be doing what I'm doing and living my life. I am happy... but I'm also sad. Can I be both at once? 

Maybe because I'm so used to dealing with it all, I've become able to separate my happiness from my sadness. I know how to fight against the negative feelings, and maybe that's created a protective barrier around the happiness that I now have. Maybe I've mentally become able to stop them merging together and allowing the dark thoughts to win. Who knows? But either way, I truly think it's possible to be feeling both emotions simultaneously. It's possible for me to be both incredibly happy and yet still be struggling and dealing with sadness at the exact same time.


This is the thing - despite how happy, content and 'well' somebody may seem... everybody has their stuff. Everyone has their own things to deal with, their ups and downs and their darker days. The online word can be sooo deceiving and sometimes, no matter how many amazing comments or likes my Instagram post gets, it's not going to make my mental health any better. But, similarly, that doesn't mean that when I post something positive on Instagram, or say that 'I'm the happiest I've ever been', that I'm lying. It just means that I'm feeling more than just 'happy' or I'm feeling more than just 'sad'; I'm a human being after all, and we're such complex beings - I'm not sure it's fair to pin point yourself as one definite emotion.

It's totally possible for me to be the happiest I've ever been whilst also being incredibly sad. And, it's also possible to be the saddest you've ever been whilst also be incredibly happy. There are emotions within emotions - we don't just always feel one specific thing - there are a million things running through our minds, no matter how much we try and help it.

To give you an example of what I'm trying to get at, I remember during my early recovery, my Mum and Dad took me on a trip to Brighton (somewhere I'd always wanted to go). I was still feeling very low at that time, still struggling and feeling pretty overwhelmingly sad. But, there was this moment where my Mum was historically laughing whilst we were walking down the street (so hard that we had to stop walking altogether and just stand whilst she laughed), and we'd stopped outside a restaurant where everyone in the window could see us. Her laughter was so funny and contagious that it started to make me, my Dad and everyone in the restaurant window start laughing too. Everyone was just uncontrollably laughing. It was in that moment that I had this incredible moment of happiness within my sadness - I was feeling happy, but overall I was sad - I was feeling both at once.

I suppose, the thing is, we wouldn't be able to define our happiness without a bit of sadness, and we wouldn't be able to define our sadness without feeling a bit of happiness - the two go hand in hand. And, as awful as it is to feel one more than the other sometimes, it's OK to be feeling it. It's OK to feel both at once. It's OK to be confused or muddled or a little bit numb.

I am incredibly happy. I had an amazing time at London Fashion Week. I got to surround myself with amazing people, see great things and spend time with a lovely like-minded gal (who I am so bloody glad that I met by the way). But, that doesn't stop me from dealing with my mental health issues or feeling a bit crappy. The world keeps turning, even if we don't really want it to.

I think it's just having the power to be able to separate the two emotions, and feel them separately, despite feeling it all at once.

Do any of you know what I mean? Let me know if you're able to relate to this, because it's something that's become sooo apparent to me recently and I do wonder whether I'm the only one feeling it. Are you happy but also simultaneously sad? It's a weird thought, but I really believe it.

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