Vanilla
22.10.18
Let me tell you how I feel
without really telling you
let me tell you what you want to hear
let me split my mind in two
let me keep my stories short
keep them to myself
let me mellow out my emotions
the descriptions, my mental health
let me push down my personality
let me shield you from the truth
I swear to god, I'm so vanilla
no need to introduce..
the honesty about myself
just listen to my lies
everything about me is vanilla
I'm sorry I can't moralize
the rights and wrongs of what I'm doing
this doesn't feel like it's wrong
it's just a self made protection
that's been there for way too long
let me hide my ideas, my dark thoughts or even my moments of joy
because I just don't want to bore you
I can't bare that I even toy
toy with your emotions, or mess with your ideas
so I keep myself vanilla
I have for years and years
I Owe You Nothing
14.10.18
A thing I've come to realise
after so long of worrying and the indecisive thoughts
I owe you nothing
I owe you nothing and I ought
I ought to think about myself more
consider other people's opinions less
as to, why does my value decrease?
just because to you I'm not your best
option
why should I be an option?
I am not a choice
You have me or you can hate me
I'm entitled to my voice
sick
sick of being silent
silencing my screams and the pain I've come to feel
forcing myself to be something, do something
being made to feel like I'm no longer real
numb
empty
as I let your hands grab me and take what you want
my personality, my emotions, my passions
all they began to do was haunt
haunt me like a ghost
something I'd left behind
because I felt I owed you everything
everything, from my body to my mind
now, a different story
something I've come to realise
I truly owe you nothing
especially not the tears from my tired eyes
I truly owe you nothing
another person's taught me that
it's me or it is sweet fuck all
from the rolls on my stomach, to my nonsense I call 'chat'
I owe you nothing
I never did owe you a thing
as much as I felt I had to change, to mould, to melt into your needs
I owe the world nothing
no more cries, worries or pleads
pleads
to make someone love me
to make myself fit in
to make myself more 'perfect'
to make myself more thin
I owe you nothing
I never had to
I never did
I owe myself more than this
every stupid minute I wasted
waiting
waiting
for someone to love me
even just my own mind
I owe myself more than this
to my body, to be kind
I owe myself more than this
I've torn myself apart
I owe myself nothing but
to go back to the very start
to have someone remind me
remind me of who I am
to bring back everything I thought I owed the world
and place it in my hands
to tell me I owe you nothing
to cement it in my mind
I truly owe you nothing
I was completely. fucking. blind.
Roots
8.10.18
So, where did your problems begin? What made you feel this way? Who helped build the wall you've cemented so strongly around yourself?
These are sometimes the things we forget to consider.
We focus too much on the 'now', the 'quick fixes' and the 'moving forward', and sometimes forget to look into where our issues came from in the first place, and dissect that in order for the moving forward to actually work.
Trust me, I've been there. I'm in it right now.
I'm in that place where all I want to do is progress (for real this time), and leave all these crappy things behind, yet because I'm too scared to open up, face whats going on and deal with it sensibly, I just keep ending up back in the same place again.
It's a vicious cycle.
"Your emotional history affects your daily behaviour; letting go of these patterns allows you to think and act in new ways."
We've all got our vicious cycles.
Whether running back to your ex, giving up on the gym or even just staying up until 4am in the morning, watching shitty TV on Netflix and ruining your sleeping pattern, we all have our shit to deal with.
But the hardest thing we all have to deal with *REALLY* within all of it is, change. Choosing to change it.
And, that's hard when you're stuck in your ways, comfortable in your habits and terrified of the 'new'... which, let's be honest, most of us are.
That's where the dissecting begins though, I've come to realise.
It begins with you looking into WHAT, WHO OR WHERE needs to change.
For me, it's my relationship with food, myself and my home.
My relationship with food is warped, my relationship with myself is infected by hate, and my relationship with my home (not my family, may I add) is tainted and filled with reminders of bad times.
So, I need to face that.
I need to ask myself:
What is about food that has warped my relationship with it? Is it food itself? Is it the way it makes me feel? Is it something someone once said to me?
What made me hate myself? Was it a childhood bully calling me 'fat'? Was it an ex boyfriend shoving his hand between my legs and telling me I'm still sexy as long as I keep my thigh gap? Was it an old agency telling me to lose an inch and a half off of my already 24" waist?
What made my home feel like a dangerous place for my mental health? Was it the hours spent stuffing my face stood in-front of my fridge? Was it the amount of weeks I spent unable to leave there due to overwhelming anxiety? Was it staring into my kitchen draw and imagining which knife would cut the deepest?
Why did I let this become the norm?
Why did I let these feelings become who I am, rather than what I've been through?
Why is this all so hard to let go of, especially when I desperately want it to change?
It's at the roots.
And, I never focus on the roots.
I look past them, pretend I'm over it and try and exist as someone who I wish I could be.
Except, the reality is, I am not that person.
I am not the person who's over it. I'm the person who wishes they were.
"When worthlessness sits under your skin from the words that seeped in like poison rain, remember it will spread into the marrow of your bones if you let it."
It's hard to get rid of something which has been dug so deep into your mentality, into your character, without actually facing it.
The truth is... I guess I've never properly faced it (as much as I thought I did anyway).
I've managed it, I've found ways of masking it, HELL I've written enough about it, but I've not looked everything in the eye and made an actual change... WHICH is why it's come back to bite me on the arse.
It's spun it's way back round in a vicious circle.
So, this blog post is a first step, I guess.
It's a reminder to myself that I need to actually break down the cemented wall that I've built around all my issues and do all the things I actually need to do to fix them.
I need to examine it all. Talk about it all. Finally get to the roots of it all.
"We Thrive From Dying"
6.10.18
*trigger warning*
Knelt over your toilet, fingers scratching your throat.
Empty packets of pills, baggy jumpers to hide the bloat.
Calorie counting apps and organised binges.
Never telling a person, incase anyone cringes.
Hours spent in your bathroom, shower running to cover the noise.
Pushing people away, especially avoiding boys.
Empty packets of food thrown in the bin, only for you to wish the cravings didn't win.
Voices in your head and hands running across your body.
The horrible thing is, I'm not even sorry.
Days filled with lies and crying at your reflection.
Then you just make it worse by destroying your complexion.
My wrists want to bleed, but is that always the answer?
Sometimes a scolding hot shower makes the feeling go much faster.
No more periods, replaced with thinning out hair and a constant cold.
Being terrified of gaining the weight again as you grow old.
But there's something about it, something about letting the voices win.
"Oh what I'd give to be worryingly thin."
Someone tells you "you look like you're dying".
Why does that make me feel like I'm suddenly thriving?
Doctors waiting room's and standing on scales.
You're told you need to be admitted, yet a screaming voice prevails.
Meal plans mean nothing and advice floats right through you.
It's a case of denial, "none of this will help you".
Your stuck in a bubble, everything feels empty.
Dark intrusive thoughts? Oh I've got plenty.
Your life is repetitive, everything has become routine.
Won't eat anything, unless it's an apple, or it's green.
You're thriving from dying; You, Ana, Mia, and good ol' BED.
"There's no escaping them, until they're happy with me".
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