Let me tell you how I feel
without really telling you
let me tell you what you want to hear 
let me split my mind in two

let me keep my stories short
keep them to myself
let me mellow out my emotions
the descriptions, my mental health

let me push down my personality
let me shield you from the truth
I swear to god, I'm so vanilla
no need to introduce..

the honesty about myself
just listen to my lies
everything about me is vanilla
I'm sorry I can't moralize

the rights and wrongs of what I'm doing
this doesn't feel like it's wrong
it's just a self made protection
that's been there for way too long

let me hide my ideas, my dark thoughts or even my moments of joy
because I just don't want to bore you
I can't bare that I even toy

toy with your emotions, or mess with your ideas
so I keep myself vanilla
I have for years and years

Vanilla


Let me tell you how I feel
without really telling you
let me tell you what you want to hear 
let me split my mind in two

let me keep my stories short
keep them to myself
let me mellow out my emotions
the descriptions, my mental health

let me push down my personality
let me shield you from the truth
I swear to god, I'm so vanilla
no need to introduce..

the honesty about myself
just listen to my lies
everything about me is vanilla
I'm sorry I can't moralize

the rights and wrongs of what I'm doing
this doesn't feel like it's wrong
it's just a self made protection
that's been there for way too long

let me hide my ideas, my dark thoughts or even my moments of joy
because I just don't want to bore you
I can't bare that I even toy

toy with your emotions, or mess with your ideas
so I keep myself vanilla
I have for years and years

A thing I've come to realise
after so long of worrying and the indecisive thoughts
I owe you nothing 
I owe you nothing and I ought

I ought to think about myself more
consider other people's opinions less
as to, why does my value decrease?
just because to you I'm not your best

option
why should I be an option?
I am not a choice
You have me or you can hate me 
I'm entitled to my voice

sick
sick of being silent 
silencing my screams and the pain I've come to feel
forcing myself to be something, do something
being made to feel like I'm no longer real

numb
empty
as I let your hands grab me and take what you want 
my personality, my emotions, my passions
all they began to do was haunt

haunt me like a ghost
something I'd left behind
because I felt I owed you everything
everything, from my body to my mind

now, a different story
something I've come to realise
I truly owe you nothing
especially not the tears from my tired eyes

I truly owe you nothing
another person's taught me that
it's me or it is sweet fuck all
from the rolls on my stomach, to my nonsense I call 'chat'

I owe you nothing
I never did owe you a thing
as much as I felt I had to change, to mould, to melt into your needs 
I owe the world nothing
no more cries, worries or pleads

pleads 
to make someone love me
to make myself fit in
to make myself more 'perfect'
to make myself more thin

I owe you nothing
I never had to
I never did
I owe myself more than this
every stupid minute I wasted

waiting

waiting 
for someone to love me
even just my own mind
I owe myself more than this
to my body, to be kind

I owe myself more than this
I've torn myself apart
I owe myself nothing but
to go back to the very start

to have someone remind me
remind me of who I am 
to bring back everything I thought I owed the world 
and place it in my hands

to tell me I owe you nothing 
to cement it in my mind
I truly owe you nothing
I was completely. fucking. blind.

I Owe You Nothing


A thing I've come to realise
after so long of worrying and the indecisive thoughts
I owe you nothing 
I owe you nothing and I ought

I ought to think about myself more
consider other people's opinions less
as to, why does my value decrease?
just because to you I'm not your best

option
why should I be an option?
I am not a choice
You have me or you can hate me 
I'm entitled to my voice

sick
sick of being silent 
silencing my screams and the pain I've come to feel
forcing myself to be something, do something
being made to feel like I'm no longer real

numb
empty
as I let your hands grab me and take what you want 
my personality, my emotions, my passions
all they began to do was haunt

haunt me like a ghost
something I'd left behind
because I felt I owed you everything
everything, from my body to my mind

now, a different story
something I've come to realise
I truly owe you nothing
especially not the tears from my tired eyes

I truly owe you nothing
another person's taught me that
it's me or it is sweet fuck all
from the rolls on my stomach, to my nonsense I call 'chat'

I owe you nothing
I never did owe you a thing
as much as I felt I had to change, to mould, to melt into your needs 
I owe the world nothing
no more cries, worries or pleads

pleads 
to make someone love me
to make myself fit in
to make myself more 'perfect'
to make myself more thin

I owe you nothing
I never had to
I never did
I owe myself more than this
every stupid minute I wasted

waiting

waiting 
for someone to love me
even just my own mind
I owe myself more than this
to my body, to be kind

I owe myself more than this
I've torn myself apart
I owe myself nothing but
to go back to the very start

to have someone remind me
remind me of who I am 
to bring back everything I thought I owed the world 
and place it in my hands

to tell me I owe you nothing 
to cement it in my mind
I truly owe you nothing
I was completely. fucking. blind.


*trigger warning*


*trigger warning*


Knelt over your toilet, fingers scratching your throat.
Empty packets of pills, baggy jumpers to hide the bloat.
Calorie counting apps and organised binges. 
Never telling a person, incase anyone cringes.

Hours spent in your bathroom, shower running to cover the noise.
Pushing people away, especially avoiding boys.
Empty packets of food thrown in the bin, only for you to wish the cravings didn't win.
Voices in your head and hands running across your body.
The horrible thing is, I'm not even sorry.

Days filled with lies and crying at your reflection.
Then you just make it worse by destroying your complexion.
My wrists want to bleed, but is that always the answer?
Sometimes a scolding hot shower makes the feeling go much faster.

No more periods, replaced with thinning out hair and a constant cold.
Being terrified of gaining the weight again as you grow old. 
But there's something about it, something about letting the voices win.
"Oh what I'd give to be worryingly thin."

Someone tells you "you look like you're dying".
Why does that make me feel like I'm suddenly thriving?
Doctors waiting room's and standing on scales.
You're told you need to be admitted, yet a screaming voice prevails.

Meal plans mean nothing and advice floats right through you.
It's a case of denial, "none of this will help you". 
Your stuck in a bubble, everything feels empty.
Dark intrusive thoughts? Oh I've got plenty.

Your life is repetitive, everything has become routine.
Won't eat anything, unless it's an apple, or it's green.
You're thriving from dying; You, Ana, Mia, and good ol' BED.
"There's no escaping them, until they're happy with me". 

"We Thrive From Dying"



*trigger warning*


*trigger warning*


Knelt over your toilet, fingers scratching your throat.
Empty packets of pills, baggy jumpers to hide the bloat.
Calorie counting apps and organised binges. 
Never telling a person, incase anyone cringes.

Hours spent in your bathroom, shower running to cover the noise.
Pushing people away, especially avoiding boys.
Empty packets of food thrown in the bin, only for you to wish the cravings didn't win.
Voices in your head and hands running across your body.
The horrible thing is, I'm not even sorry.

Days filled with lies and crying at your reflection.
Then you just make it worse by destroying your complexion.
My wrists want to bleed, but is that always the answer?
Sometimes a scolding hot shower makes the feeling go much faster.

No more periods, replaced with thinning out hair and a constant cold.
Being terrified of gaining the weight again as you grow old. 
But there's something about it, something about letting the voices win.
"Oh what I'd give to be worryingly thin."

Someone tells you "you look like you're dying".
Why does that make me feel like I'm suddenly thriving?
Doctors waiting room's and standing on scales.
You're told you need to be admitted, yet a screaming voice prevails.

Meal plans mean nothing and advice floats right through you.
It's a case of denial, "none of this will help you". 
Your stuck in a bubble, everything feels empty.
Dark intrusive thoughts? Oh I've got plenty.

Your life is repetitive, everything has become routine.
Won't eat anything, unless it's an apple, or it's green.
You're thriving from dying; You, Ana, Mia, and good ol' BED.
"There's no escaping them, until they're happy with me". 

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