I was young, naive and, well, a little bit hopeless, when I got into my first relationship. I'd always told myself that guys didn't like me, you see. I was (and still am) a little goofy, kind of awkward and struggled to be remotely sexy 99% of the time. I didn't know how to talk to the opposite sex, I'd never had 'guy friends' and any kind of 'date' I'd been on, didn't transpire any longer than a couple more meet ups... especially since I giggled like a little girl anytime a guy tried to kiss me... which was a clear sign I wasn't going to put out (yeah, guys didn't like that lol).

SO, when someone came into my life and showed in an interest in me (and maybe not just the interest of getting into my knickers) I became completely infatuated straight away.


This person had a hold on me that I'm not even sure I realised. This person could ask me for anything and I'd give it them, purely because I was so terrified that there would be no one else ever to 'want' me like that ever again.

I thought I was so in love. I thought I'd gotten a romance that I'd always dreamed of. But, the reality was, this person was soooo in my head, that I'd just completely forgotten about what I actually wanted and who I actually was.

I mean, I'd turn down work, cancel driving lessons, spend so much money on travel, just so I could be with them. I'd pay for everything, I'd do things that they wanted to do, even when I didn't think I wanted to do them and I'd not even think about it... I'd just do it.

I stopped seeing my own friends, barely saw my family (because they never made the effort to come to mine) and they told me not to hang round with certain people simply because they didn't want me to.

I was so blinded by 'love' that I didn't realise how toxic the whole situation was.

Nowadays, if my boyfriend said something about my appearance, that wasn't constructive and just plain cruel, I'd think FUCK YOU and probably tell him to think about what the hell he's saying to me. But, back then, I'd let anything be said to me: "Are you sure you're not pregnant, you're looking a little chubby?" "As long as you keep your thigh gap, you're fine" "I don't think you should eat so much" - I let all those little things sink into me. I let myself absorb them like they were just normal things to be told by someone who 'loves' you.

They'd put me down in front of other people too. I remember one of my friends saying to me once we broke up "You always looked miserable with him. He took away all of your confidence."

And, that was one of the worst things, because before meeting them, I was in the best place of my life. I'd overcome eating disorder after eating disorder, got myself to a healthy, happy weight with a good lifestyle. I was doing really fucking well. Yet, all those kinds of comments, one by one, completely ruined all of that.

I wasn't ever allowed to be upset about it either, it would always be me 'being dramatic' or any argument would just get turned back on me.

I was excusing shit behavior, or at least ignoring it, purely because I didn't want to face that fact that they were a absolute arsehole. I'd become infatuated with a d*ckhead, and that scared the hell out of me.

I would think about the whole thing and tell myself something wasn't right, but beneath all of that rational thought, I just felt like a hideous, piece of crap that no other guy would want... since they barely wanted me to begin with.

So, the whole thing just continued.

They would let me spend money on their clothes, on their food, on their travel. They'd suggest things they didn't have the money for, and just expect me to pay for it. All of my hard earned money ended up paying for someone else's lifestyle, because god forbid they try and fit into my life, or my way of doing things. Someone like that only wants whats convenient for them.

I'd become a slave to someone's life. I'd become an accessory rather than a girlfriend.

I'd watch them flirt with girls at bars whilst they were up there with my debit card. I'd have them show me pictures of other girls and then tell me they thought she/they were 'so hot'. I'd have them tell me to try and dress like other girls, because they dressed sexier than me.

It became clear that they didn't want me, but not so clear that they'd ever have the balls to break up with me. So, I just stayed there. I just kept going. My life became a cycle of pandering to them and forgetting about all of the other things I used to love.

By the end of the whole thing was when I began to realise how 'private' everything of their's was. I mean, they could get into my phone anytime they wanted, they had a fingerprint and knew my passcode, yet it wasn't the same with me and their phone.

They'd always have unread Instagram DMs and Facebook messages, and as much as I'd wonder who they were from, I'd never question it. I wouldn't ever invade someone's privacy.

I think if I were to ask, I'd have just gotten a lash back of 'why don't you trust me? I trust you!'

Then one morning, they woke up, telling me they'd had a dream that I'd cheated on them. I thought, 'well we know that's not true' and just kind of laughed it off, thinking to myself 'if anyone was going to cheat here, it's not going to be me'. 

I thought it was kind of odd.

But, what do you know, that's the same day I'd found out they'd cheated on me, and had done multiple times.

I guess if someone's 'worried' or talking about you cheating on them, it's pretty possible that they're the one who's cheating on you.

Weird, but makes sense I guess.

Even after breaking up, they'd still have me going crawling back to them. They'd be sleeping with the girl who they cheated on me with, yet telling me they love me and couldn't live without me. They'd say things like "I want to be with you, just not now... I don't know when." or be saying that they don't really like the other girl because she does certain things and "why would I want someone like that, when I've had someone like you?".

It was all just truly fucked up.

Then, one day I just blocked them. Cut them out of my life completely. And, suddenly it was like I could breathe again... sure I was financially unstable for 7 months after, but at least I could breathe and go back to being ME again.

Anyway, the reason for me writing this, wasn't just for me to vent and talk about my shitty past relationship with you guys, it was to give any of you, who might be out there in the same sort of situation, a heads up.

If you're in a relationship that makes you feel the way I did, as hard as I know it is, please think about getting out of it. There are better people out there, who will love you and treat you like you should be treated.

Relationships should be equal - you should never feel 'less' than your partner or feel trapped in anyway.

Looking back at that relationship, it just seems like such bullshit to me. And, as much as I thought it was love, it wasn't. It was the idea of love, and the idea that someone possibly loved me. I was obsessed with the fact that I finally had someone.

Now I can actually see the difference between that, because, despite the whole idea I had about a guy never loving me again, I've managed to meet the best guy in the world. So, if you, like me, are out there panicking that there's nobody else, trust me, there is.

Real love doesn't make you hurt like a manipulative relationship does. I really really know that now.