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26.5.17

Feeling When You Can't Feel


"I don't feel a thing."

This is something that repeats itself over and over again in my brain.

"I don't feel a thing."




PHOTOS BY HANNAH KIRKLAND

I know where it stems from, I mean, I was depressed - I learnt to block out any emotion, to feel numb, to disassociate and to hide from the world. I felt lost and unsure, and I used to describe it as if I was trapped in a bubble and suffocating and I couldn't get out.

I'm not in that bubble anymore - I'm very happy to say that. I can say that I'm not deep in the depths of my Depression or suffocating or lost. But, why do I still not feel anything? Have I become cold? Am I a bitch? What the hell is going on in my mind?




It's scary that I don't really remember what it's truly like to feel. I don't know how it feels to laugh really fucking hard or even cry really fucking hard. It's as if I've become unable to process the idea that emotions are even meant to occur inside of me.

What are emotions? Are they even real? Do other people feel nothing like I do? Are they faking it too?

Anything I could question about this, I've questioned it all. I've wondered whether I'm still really depressed and I'm just lying to myself; I've wondered whether I've turned into a cold hearted bitch or turned into someone that hates the world.

But, the thing is, I'm not. I'm not as depressed as I was, no where near it, and there's no way that I could hate the world: I'm the kind of airy fairy person that sits in silence, appreciating the sound of birds outside her window and highlighting sentences from the books she reads. I think the world can be so beautiful. But, I guess, maybe I am cold? Not necessarily a 'bitch', but yeah, maybe I'm a cold person.




"It's okay to admit that your wounds are still open. It takes time. It takes time."

Maybe my Depression has made me unable to empathize, to delve into that part of myself where all the emotions lie.

I can't access that feeling you get when you nearly piss yourself laughing with your friend anymore, or the emotion to get my heart racing or adrenaline pumping. It's like it's just gone.

The only adrenaline or emotion I seem to allow myself to feel is worry, or stress or exhaustion, which is why it's so difficult not to think that I'm still feeling the lowest of the low. But, I just know that I'm not. I'm not.

I'm okay. That's probably the only way that I can describe it. I am okay.





And, I know that there is emotion inside of me. I do sometimes feel it. A little bit of 'piss your pants' laughter might slip out or I might get super excited over something. But the feeling fades so quickly, that it really is like it's almost not there anymore.

But, it is. It is there. I'm not going to stop believing that it is.





DRESS - ZARA 

I think I've just blocked myself access from it all. My body, my brain, are so afraid of getting hurt or feeling anything other than anxiety or overwhelming stress, that it just won't let me access those other emotions anymore. It doesn't want me to get hurt by the adrenaline or feel the come down after a high of laughter. It doesn't want me to miss people or love people, because people can hurt you, people can hurt me, and my brain doesn't want that.




I guess it's all just one big defensive mechanism. I'm protecting myself after years of feeling so terribly shit. I'm not allowing myself to feel so terribly shit anymore.

But, I wish my mind would realise that emotions aren't all bad.

I'm often in situations where I know I should be feeling some kind of way, and it's almost like I can feel the emotion trying to get out, but then my mind completely suppresses it. It's like a ball of laughter is bubbling up inside of me, ready to truly burst out, so that I don't have to do that fucking fake laugh that I do so often, and then, it just doesn't. The laughter doesn't come.

Oh, what I would give to be 11 years old, sat with my friend Han on MSN and just completely wet myself laughing until I cried. I've not felt that in so so long.

This all sounds so sad, but it's so true.



"Grab hope with both hands and run."

I think one day, I will be able to feel it all again, right? I think something has got to happen in my life, something has got to come along and change it, or I've got to change it, I've got to make it happen.

For now, I guess I've just got to try my god damn hardest to feel what I can. To draw out the emotions I want to feel and let myself bloody feel it.

I just want to feel.

2 comments:

  1. I used to feel like this all the time. Luckily, that's left me, though I'm still admittedly depressed. But people react to depression differently. I think you'll be able to feel again. Just keep trying, and life will bring you dramatic things that make you feel (because that's just life). I'm sure of it. I wish you the best.

    Also, these photos are so sweet. The dreamiest depiction of Spring/Summer!

    amberelb.com

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  2. I totally understand - I’m just the same. I think I’m scared to open the door to good emotions as I might also let the bad ones back in too. I was raped when I was 13 and even though I have had a relationship with a good decent guy I couldn’t ever really feel happy and never felt anything when we made love - my body just won’t let those feelings/sensations happen. Maybe things will get better for us both eventually..?
    Really love these photos Holly, the location looks beautifully peaceful, my kind of place.
    Love Zoe xxx

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