I don't care what you think.

I don't care if you think my blog is weird or that I'm crazy for having a YouTube channel. I don't care if you don't like my blonde eye brows. I don't care if you think I shouldn't wear black mascara. I don't care if you think I'm too thin or too fat. I don't care if you think I'm weird. I don't care if you think I'm over dressed. I don't care if you think that I'm too drunk. I don't care if you think I'm too boring. I just really don't fucking care.

I spent way too much of my life caring and seeking other people's approval. I always wanted to be popular, to be liked, to be loved and now the only opinion and approval that I am seeking is my own. 

For years I was picked on and made to feel like an odd one out. I wasn't a cute girly girl with a group of little friends, who loved me. I was a goofy girl with a funny sense of humor and a love for cheesy slogan t shirts. I just didn't fit the mold. However, I still craved that ideal of 'fitting in'. I wanted to be 'cool' and get invited to things. I wanted to look like everyone else and be like everyone else. I changed the way I acted and did stupid things like apply a bottle fake tan to my face, which made me look like a walking carrot because I turned entirely orange... *face palm*. I wanted to feel like I was a part of something. I never really felt like that until the end of High School. I did spend the first few years still trying to claw my way into the bubble of 'popularity', but I eventually managed to make friends with some amazing people and then it all just slowly started to not matter.

I began to realise that it's much more important to be fully accepted and appreciated by a small amount of people, than it is to have tonnes of people around you who don't even truly like you. It's important to feel like you can just be yourself and to not worry about impressing people or looking 'cool'. It's important to know that you are loved and not alone when there are people around you - there's nothing worse than feeling totally alone in a room full of people. 

For a while, I felt pretty damn good about being myself. I was okay with not being 'popular' or 'cool' and just content with being the goofy teenager I was. But, of course, then things in my life started to take a turn and I started to feel all those feelings that I'd beaten before, come back and bite me on the arse.

During the period of my life where I was incredibly unwell,  I would feel completely humiliated anytime I left the house. I feared seeing people I knew and having to explain what had happened with my life; dropping out of college after a month or two just seemed soooo embarrassing to me, plus the fact that I was so depressed that I literally just stopped caring about my appearance and resembled a scruffy dog most of the time. My Mum would convince me to go on little shopping trips to town and I'd end up bumping into people I knew and I'd feel like I wanted to die, right there on the spot, from humiliation.  

Once I began to recover, that's when I threw myself into my blog and YouTube. At first I found it sooooo embarrassing. People would ask me about it and I'd feel like I'd need the ground to swallow me up or a meteor to come soaring towards the earth and hit me. I don't know why I felt like that. It wasn't like my blog was a secret.. but I guess it's not considered the 'norm', is it? 

By the end of high school, I think that I'd finally shaken that kind of 'goofy' persona and become kind of 'cool', I guess (lol how lame does that sound) but, I that think starting my blog and having people gain knowledge of it worried me and that I'd become the 'weird' girl again. I'd often think about people that I fancied or the 'popular' people from school watching my videos or reading my posts and I'd begin to die a little inside. 

The thing is though, this blog is fricking damn cool - cooler than what a lot of other people are doing with their lives anyway. I'm not afraid to say that now. 

I don't remember an exact point where I stopped being embarrassed about it, but I just remember suddenly gaining the confidence to just think 'oh well, don't like it? don't care!'. I started sharing things to Facebook, not being afraid of people seeing things anymore, and basically shoving my blog and my videos down people's throats... to a degree, anyway hahaha.

What did I have to be ashamed of? All I'm doing is pursuing something that I love, just like if I were off studying English in the hopes of becoming an English teacher or something. 

With the confidence I gained in showing people my 'internet life' (could I sound more like a porn star?), I gained so much more confidence in myself. I began to feel so much better about who I was, what I looked like and where I seemed to be heading. I could slowly feel myself becoming.. well... myself! 

I began to look in the mirror and see 'Holly', a person who I hadn't seen in, probably, 10 years. I could look at myself and I think 'I look nice today' or 'I look happy today', instead of just seeing this sad sad face glaring back at me in the mirror. I felt pretty and like I was achieving things, and I'd question 'What did I ever even care?'  and do you know what? I really do not know why I ever did.  

Everyone in life eventually grows up. We stop being the 'odd ones out' or 'too pale' or 'so weird' and we start just being who we truly are and stop being defined by what everyone else thinks. Everyone moves on with their lives, does their own thing and finds their own way. So why on earth should we care in the first place? Why should we give a flying fuck about how people want to define us? If someone wants to call you 'weird' or 'a slut' or 'a geek', let them. Let them say whatever the hell they want. One day you'll look back and think 'woah, look how far I've come from that low point in my life' and you'll feel really bloody proud of yourself.

I used to get picked on for being fat and pale, and I used to be concerned that people would find this blog and think I was a weirdo. Wellllll, who's laughing now?! I'm a model, with a blog that generates income every month. Why the hell should I be ashamed of that?!

I put on outfits like the one I'm wearing in this blog post and I can tell myself that I look good. Yes, I might be as pale as Caspar the ghost and yes, I might have stood on my drive way, in front of like 100 cars who were driving past me, to take these photos (with a tripod and by myself, bare in mind), and received a gazillion funny looks from people whilst I did it. But I didn't care. I was doing what I loved and I looked pretty damn good whilst doing it! (if I do say so myself hahaha)

To everyone out there who, like me, constantly worries what everyone else is thinking, please take my advice. Stop caring, stop worrying and just. do. YOU. Do what YOU love. Wear what YOU like. Be what YOU want to be and please, don't let anyone or anyone's opinion stop you.

If you want to achieve something, you've got to stop letting humiliation and judgment stand in your way. Please start living your life and not giving a fuck what people are thinking or saying. As soon as you stop caring, that's when you actually start living - that's when you start to feel comfortable with yourself, find true friends and spend your time laughing rather than worrying and overthinking everything. Everyone is worrying about themselves, so why not just throw caution to the wind and shout from the roof tops 'I don't care!'? (metaphorically of course, please obtain from climbing roof tops to shout things hahaha)

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