My initial reaction to a lot of things is simply: be angry. I tend to get wound up, frustrated and irritated, and it sends my negative instincts to forefront of my mind. I react instantly to things, usually in a situation that triggers negative emotions, in such a frustrated and angry way, but then 30 seconds later after I've taken a deep breath and allowed my rational thoughts to kick in, I can react how I would genuinely like to react.

You see, sometimes it's hard to fight through the irrational thoughts when you're in a situation where you need to react instantly. There's no time for deep breaths and allowing your brain to process things, sometimes things just need to happen.

I'm not necessarily talking about anything huge, I deal with this most often during day-to-day conversation. Sometimes someone might do or say something that triggers my brain to get upset. Sometimes, whilst the rational part of my brain will know something is a minor inconvenience or not a big deal, the irrational part of my brain will like to make a big deal out of it.

For example, sometimes I can be chatting with someone and they'll say things that instantly make a part of my mind scream 'they're saying you're *insert some kind of insecurity here*' or they'll do something that makes something in my head just 'tick'. I'll react angrily and defensively, calling them out on it. Usually, this makes whoever I'm with feel a bit confused and they probably stand there thinking 'Urm, what is happening right now? I didn't say that.' Then, after about 5/10 mins of me arguing with whoever, defending my feelings, and trying to twist things so that my irrational thoughts can win the argument, I take a deep breath and I think 'crap, they didn't mean that at all', and I'll have caused a whole load of upset for nothing.

I really do wish that I could remain calm. I wish I didn't react with that part of my brain first, but I do.

I'm working on it though - I guess the first step is realising that's what is happening. I've started to notice myself doing it and then I've tried to take just a short moment to think, before I react even further, and now, rather than blowing things way out of proportion, I try to remain calmer, more clear-minded.

Sometimes the way that I initially react isn't really how I want to react to the situation, sometimes it's just my brain taking over. It happens so much to me everyday; I've really built up a wall to protect myself from people after everything I've been through and so, I've become incredibly defensive.

I want people to understand that sometimes the way I react things initially, isn't really how I would react, but it's how my mental illnesses make me react.

When someone does something to inconvenience my OCD habits for example, I often feel incredibly angry and the frustration just fills me instantly. My instant reaction, therefore, comes across in a horrible, angered way. However, if you give me a second to breathe and tell myself that it's fine and that they're not doing anything wrong, my head is just being obsessive, then I'm completely and totally fine. I'm clear minded and I can control what I'm thinking again.

"Stay calm within the chaos"

I basically just need a minute to deal with certain things from time to time, and I hope people can understand that. I know that the world can't constantly be waiting for me to have a word with myself, but... you know, if there's time, let me try my best to work through it.

Do any of you relate to this? Or am I just a little angry ginger with a lot of issues? hahaha. Let me know down in the comments, I'd love to hear if you deal with anything similar and how you've learnt to rectify it.

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