Aaah the 'up' days. The days where everything is going swimmingly, you're on a high and you finally feel like your bad mental health is going to fuck off. Well, here's the thing about the 'up' days: they're the 'up' days. This means that you're 'up' from where you usually are. You're not neutral, you are unnaturally high. This isn't to say that these days are bad, because, of course, they're not - 'up' days are great! 'Up' days do exactly what they say on the tin - they lift you 'up' (i'm getting irritated with myself writing the word 'up' already, but bare with me lol), they brighten your mood, they de-cloud your mind.

You can always tell the difference between a normal day and an 'up' day.

A normal day for me is pretty quiet. I'll have some kind of anxiety or stress, because that's normal for me, and I'll just be pottering around at home, getting work done (or similarly, shooting/pottering around London town). I'll play music, sing along, or catch up on the latest series I'm obsessed with. I'll get my to do list all ticked off and I'll sit in bed in the evening catching up on Instagram and YouTube videos. I'll feel pretty calm over all - probably pretty tired (I'm always tired), but I'll have had a good day - a productive day.


Now, an 'up' day can be pretty similar to that however, most of my 'up' days lead me to feel 100% more exhilarated and as if I could conquer the world or take on Batman in a fight (hence the photo above of me leaping through the air haha).

I wake up, feel energized and pumped. I'll probably walk to the gym in the sunshine and play happy music through my head phones. I'll get home, boss my to do list and still have time to go and meet a friend or go out for the day with my Mum. Or alternatively, I'll head to London for a shoot and I'll meet the team I'm working with and I'll instantly feel amazing. I'll spend my day giggling and laughing, not panicking about a single thing. I'll probably treat myself to some clothes or a tasty brunch (which for once in my life, I will not feel guilty over) or I'll look at the photos I've been shooting and actually think I look pretty damn good. I'll have a stress-free journey back - come home, chill out and actually be able to relax for once. I'll have received nice tweets and comments about my latest blog post and I'll have gotten super exciting emails from super exciting brands or about amazing castings or jobs I've booked. I'll get this overwhelming feeling that 'this is my time' and 'everything is coming up Milhouse' (that's a simpsons reference, just FYI) and the fact that not a single mental illness has interfered with my day will make me feel like I'm finally 'cured' and I can take on anything.

The problem with all of that is that, it's all too perfect. Not a single thing going wrong, and everything going my way - it's almost like a fantasy life.

Life isn't meant to be one constant 'up' day, but nor should it be a constantly be a 'down' day.

And, hey, there's seriously nothing wrong with 'up' days, I don't want this to be taken the wrong way. What I'm getting at is that, 'up' days make me feel like everyday should be like that day. They make me feel invincible and like I've overcome every obstacle that has ever been in my way, and so, when I do come back down to a neutral level or even have a counteracting 'down' day, I'm left feeling like a total failure or like I'm about to go completely off the rails.

It's not normal to be on a constant euphoric high, yet, unfortunately, at the start of the year, I think I slightly gave myself that mentality. Of course, things haven't remained quite on the positive level that I wanted them to, and so, for a while that left me feeling like a total screw up and that this could no longer be 'my year'.

I felt like I'd failed myself, because this was meant to be 'my year', and such a bloody good year at that. I know now that it still is, and still will be, but, for a moment or two, I felt down and I felt like that had ruined everything.

The thing is, we're all human at the end of the day, we're allowed to have our highs, just as much as we're allowed to have our lows, but it's important to remember that, naturally, we should just feel at peace and neutral. We should feel both high and low - they should counteract each other, and we should actually be left feeling pretty indifferent.

We should experience a mixture of everything and feel it all.

"...because sometimes, all you wanna know is that you're not fucking crazy for feeling the way that you're feeling, after having gone through all of the bullshit that you've been through." - Cici B.

So, if you're having an 'up' day, even an 'up' week or month, enjoy it! You're allowed to. But, please, when you come floating back down to a 'normal' day, week or month or whatever, please don't feel disheartened or like you've failed, because you haven't. We all should experience a good 'high' or two in our lives (I'm talking endorphin's, not drugs kids), but we should also just be able to live our lives calmly and peacefully from day-to-day. Being constantly happy is great, but it's a difficult thing to keep up 365 days a year - we're only human after all.

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