99.9% of the time, I am very much a loner. Ever since dropping out of college in 2014, I have found myself struggling to be around people and the actual process of 'dropping out' was very tough on my relationships. I deal with OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Body Dysmorphia and my eating disorders are still pretty present in my life. Therefore, it would be ridiculous to presume that whilst going through all of this, that I'd have been able to keep up a super amazing social life and be out 24/7. I was completely the opposite. I hid away, I avoided any sort of interaction (even with my parents, whom I live with) and wanted to simply just be, alone.




Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't some 'woe is me, I'm so lonely' kind of blog post because whilst, yes, I can often feel quite lonely and sometimes very sad, I am actually a huge lover of my own company. I love being home alone whilst my parents are at work, doing my own thing and I love the calmness that silence brings. I have become very independent and my own company is pretty much all that I need the majority of the time.

For a long time, I thought it was incredibly sad that I liked to be alone. I would see everyone hanging out, doing fun things and I'd think, 'Why am I not doing that?', 'Why don't I want to do that?' and I've realised now, exactly the reasons why.






My mental health - that's simply the main reason.

 You see, all of those mental illnesses that I listed earlier, they really changed me as a person. I used to be very very sociable. I used to crave going out and being with people. I wanted to be seen, constantly be out doing something, no matter what it was. Then, I got ill. Things completely changed, and, like I said before, I just wanted to hide away, be alone.





The thing that changed me most was the control I needed over everything. I was obsessed with time and timings, and I was controlling everything that I ate. If I were to go out with friends or even just my parents, I wouldn't be able to control the time I got home, or the times I did things, or be able to know the exact calorie information of anything I ate, and, well, my head really didn't like that.

I needed to know specifics. I needed to know what I was doing and when. There's no 'why' to it, I just needed to know. And, I won't lie, I still often do. I need a specific time and if I'm going out, I need to know an exact plan or a specific place. I can't deal with rough plans or wishy washy vagueness.




I think this all blends in with my anxiety too. I get very anxious if I feel 'trapped'. If I am in any situation (and, not just something scary or daunting) and I feel like I can't escape, it basically sends me into a spiral of despair. I need to know that I can eventually leave a situation if I want - I need to know that there's a way out.

I went from being a total social butterfly, to someone who feared leaving the house in case they weren't able to brush the floor at 4pm (yes, OCD is really quite something, isn't it?...) and I found it very difficult to explain that to people during my recovery. I just found that, no matter how many times I explained or how I explained it, people just don't understand my need to know things. People couldn't really comprehend why time and timings were so important to me, because to them it was just completely irrational (which, it is irrational, but to me, it's how my mind worked/works).



The thing is, when you're only allowing yourself to eat at specific times in the day, it's very unlikely that you're going to want to jeopardize that in anyway at all. I'd spend the whole day thinking of the points where I'd allow myself to eat and be constantly repeating the same old routine from day to day. I was obsessed with specific habits, and not doing them at specific times would completely send me in a downward spiral. People just didn't get that.

People don't get that I have to process things for a much longer time than they do. For example, if I make plans with someone and they give me a time that conflicts with something that my mind would usually like me to do, then I have to sit there and work it out. I have to battle off a bunch of manipulative thoughts before I can then sit there and work out a way around it, or see how I can structure both things into my day, or organise them in a way that I can cope with. It's such a more complex and long process for me. Other people can just say 'Yeah, let's go!' and get on with their day. But, mental illness makes things hard.



However, since starting my blog, and especially over the past year, I have come to realise that it's totally okay to like being alone and doing your own thing. Sure, people might be off out, socializing and having fun, but I actually really enjoy staying in, writing blog posts and talking to myself like a mad woman whilst I take 3 million flat-lay photos. I really like and enjoy my own company. I no longer feel obliged to be out all the time, seeing friends, partying, shopping, etc etc. And, don't get me wrong, I totally love doing all of that. I always have the most amazing time when I do, but, what I'm saying is that, I no longer feel forced, emotionally, by the standards of society or my own mind, to 'have' to do it - I just plan things as and when, and I don't feel the need to be the social butterfly anymore.

The people in my life know where I am if they need me and vise versa.

Yes, I might spend a lot of time at home, working, writing, emailing, and whatever else, but that's because I love what I do and I want to be successful at it. I don't put my energy into anything that's not worth my time anymore.




JEANS - BOOHOO

Everyone's lives are different and everyone is doing their own thing. I find that people don't understand my mind and how I deal with things, and that's okay. It just means that I've ended up being much more comfortable in my own company. It means that I like being alone, because I feel as if I'm the only one who could ever fully understand who I am or what I'm dealing with. There's nothing narcissistic meant by that, or anything shady, it's just the way I've realised things.

It's easier for me to be a loner because at least I understand myself. I understand my weird quirks or habits and know what it can be like to having a breakdown over the time on the clock or calories in a specific food. I know what it's like to feel empty and yet feel everything at once and, sometimes, the best way to process that, is just for me to be alone.


"I have what I have and I am happy." - Rupi Kaur

Seriously, I love my friends, my family and everyone in my life. They're the most loving and supportive people, but I've come to realise that there's nothing wrong with me wanting to do my own thing the majority of the time. I understand 'me' and I enjoy being with 'me'. That's not to say that I don't love being with other people too, but sometimes being this new independent, workaholic type of gal that I've become, really is just the easier thing to do and be.

Can any of you understand or relate to this at all? Let me know down in the comments.

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