"If not change, then movement"

I saw this quote and something about it just instantly resonated with me.

I guess I often feel like the world is moving backwards; I feel like everything is 1 step forward, 3 steps back; I feel like we're going in reverse.

I feel like for every high, there's been so many lows; I feel like I've lost and found myself on so many different occasions, and I feel like there's been a lot of adjustments which I've not always been prepared for.

And, well, at times, that's left me feeling rather conflicted, confused and off-track. It's left me feeling like a failure, like I should give up and stop trying. I've convinced myself that I should be constantly progressing, changing and succeeding... it's hard.

My personal life has changed a lot this year (and by 'a lot', I mean 'a hell of a lot'). I've been through really down points, and a lot of super duper high points too - just like the entire world, I guess. I've had old emotions come trickling back into my life, and also experienced amazing new ones - ones which I hadn't felt for a very long time. 

Like I said, some change has been good and some change has been bad, but thankfully, I've muddled through every bit of it. 

Focusing on the good stuff however, something that I've come to realise is that: yes, 'a hell of a lot' has changed for me this year; 'a hell of a lot' of good has happened and through 'a hell of a lot' of hard work, I've been able to experience some great things. None of it would have happened without the small 'movements' that I made over the duration before that though.

Things in my life would not be the way that they are now without me coming up with ideas, challenging myself, allowing myself to grow as a person and moving on from what once was.

For example, at the start of the year I told myself that this year I would push myself more with my modelling. I'd spent a lot of the past year being terrified of London, suffering with terrible anxiety and worrying over things that didn't even require any worry at all. I'd avoided the tube like the plague and turned down soooo many opportunities (which I now majorly regret), but I had to finally get a grip of myself and say enough is enough.

At the end of the day, I wanted to be successful in my modelling. I wanted to be able to say 'Ooo look that's me!' when flicking through a magazine or shopping on a website, so I needed to push myself.

I told my agency that I was able to get to London as much as they wanted this year and send me anything they could find me.

Now, after months of working my arse off, I've managed to have my most successful year ever.

I'm a pro on the tube, I've worked with amazing people on amazing shoots and even gotten to travel abroad twice.

And, well, that's all because I wanted to change things. I wanted to change things, so I started to 'move'.

I think that this is the way that I need to remember to look at things.

In those moments where I feel lost or everything is sliding backwards down a slippery slope, I need to remember to not let that tarnish all the 'movements' I've put in place.

It's almost like a board game - a game of snakes and ladders, if you will - there's nothing worse than making the wrong move and sliding back down to the start of the board, especially when you've rolled the dice so many times and had so many great moves.

Change is not going to happen over night. It didn't happen overnight before, and it's not going to happen overnight now.

When I start to panic and think that my life is about to go tits up because I'm not constantly climbing my way up to the top of my life/career 'Mount Everest', I need to remember all of the movements that actually got me to this point in the first place.

You see, I can make 'movements', I don't have to constantly make huge changes. I can take small strides for the things I believe in, the things I want to change and the things that matter most to me.

'Movement' is what let's everything grow and progress over time. It's the small things that really add up in the long run. And, yeah, sure, there are going to be bumps along the way, but all I can do is try it. All I can do is get up on my feet and make my own moves towards what I want.

So, if you want change in your life, whether it's for something personal, like your career or your relationships, or whether it's for a much bigger cause, don't let yourself stand still.