At the moment, I cannot breathe.

I cannot think properly, I cannot talk properly, I cannot function properly, I just feel all over the place.

I'm still so used to the idea of having loads of time on my hands; my brain still exists in the world where I had no job, spent my days wallowing away in self pity and hiding in my bedroom.

But, sadly for my 'just want to do sweet fuck all' mentality, things have changed: I'm adulting now, I'm working now, I'm living an actual life right now.

And, well, in this life, I've recently been back and to to London for modelling, attempting to fit in time to organise and shoot blogging collaborations/filming videos, making a conscious effort to eat well and workout at the gym, and also trying (but successfully failing) to keep up my social life and make plans with friends too.

It's been busy and, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO IT ALL, OKAY?!

But, you see, this 'trying to do it all' mentality is really starting to take it's toll on me.

As much as I am living this life, and I understand that I've got to do certain things to achieve what I want to achieve, it's still incredibly overwhelming.

In fact, today I received an email, about something which I should have jumped for joy over, or at least felt marginally happy about, but I read it, instantly felt my heart beat race, my head hurt, and I just... burst into tears.

"Something else?!" I thought. Something else to add to that mountain of a to-do list? Something else to fill in on my calendar? Something else I'd have to spend time and money on?

I just couldn't handle it. The idea completely drowned me - it swallowed me up.

So... I rang my Mum and I cried.

There's something about having a full calendar, having no free time, having not a single moment to come up for air, that I just genuinely cannot handle.

I'm the kind of person that needs days to myself to get my head, my life and my bloody Natwest account, organised and together again. I need a few days in a row to really let myself relax, or calm down, and I need home comforts and I need sleep... I need a lot of sleep. And, at the moment, I don't feel like I've had any of that in a really long time.

Now, I feel stupid complaining about my busyness, because, I won't lie, it's mainly down to amazing opportunities and life changing career thangggsss, but, to be brutally honest with you, I am just getting so drained by it all.

I am feeling so exhausted, so down, so... depressed at the moment, and it's really fucking hard.

It's really hard to wake up and put on this huge smile, or persona for people, when really I would love to just curl up in my duvet like a sausage roll and hide in bed for a little while - just like I used to do.

It's very difficult to be napping on trains, surrounded by school children (curse you summer holidays) and intense football fans (please shut up with your chanting), when I could be napping on my comfy couch or in my cosy bed instead.

It feels crappy to be stuck on the London underground, only getting a Wifi connection inbetween stops, whilst your friends are texting about planning nights out, or going out somewhere together.

It's just so heavy to feel so responsible and adult, and to be working all. of. the. time.

That's why when I rang my Mum and cried, I finally felt a bit of relief.

Sure, it was a panic-attack-induced sense of relief, but at least it felt kind of uplifting once I'd calmed down and taken a deep breath.

Crying so hard, so manically, not even really making any sense at all, allowed me to let out just a little bit of what has been going on in my head lately.

I often keep a lot of things to myself, so when I talk to people, even when it comes to how I'm feeling, it can feel almost 'organised' or 'robotic', because I tend to overthink how I should word things or how things will be construed. So, I guess that just blurting it all out in a state of panic, allowed me to feel everything that I usually suppress and carry on working through.


But, like I said, I do have an understanding of life, of the world, of the reason why I can't just keep hiding in bed anymore.

I know that these things are happening because I need them to happen to get to where I want to be and that having no time on my hands is weirdly a very good thing right now.

"There are victories, there are losses, there are the inbetweens"

But also, yeah, it's still very overwhelming. It's still eating me alive.  I'm trying to tackle everything at once and it's not easy.

I am excited about the opportunities that are coming my way, don't get me wrong, and my life could be wayyyyy worse than it is right now, but, god damn it, I really do feel low, I really do feel swamped, I really do feel 'not myself'.

I guess, just thank god for this blog for letting me type out my erratic emotions, and thank god for my Mum for letting me sob down the phone, whilst she was at the garden center (sorry Mum lol).

Let me know, do any of you ever feel like this? Do any of you bottle it all up until it you start to crack? Do you need a few days of TLC too? Please tell me I'm not the only one who's descending into 'workaholic madness'...

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