I'm 20 this year. I'm going to be 20.

As I think about that, pondering over where the hell my teen years went (seriously, I wasted those on some stupid things), I can't help but feel a little lost. I feel like I don't know who I am or who I'm meant to be.

Sure, I know my name: Holly Rebecca White, I know my hair is ginger, and red lipstick will always be my thing but, for some reason, looking at myself as a person, I can't figure out who I'm meant to be, or who I will be, as a 20 year old girl.


See how I used the word 'girl' there. Not 'woman' - I don't feel like I've hit womanhood yet.

I'm still an insecure teenager. I'm still young and learning. I'm still trying to find my feet - I have no idea what I'm doing.

Well, okay, maybe that's a little lie.

Of course I know that I'm a model and a blogger. My job is basically to be 'Me' all the time; to write about me, what I like, to shoot images of me and go to castings and be myself. But, who actually am I? Who will I be when I'm 20?

Am I still cute and giggly? Will people still want a 'fun' 'fresh' persona or are they going to start looking at me differently? Do I need to be sexier? Do I need to throw away every aspect of that 'teenager' that's still floating around within me? Do I need to change who I am?

 These are the things that are making me lose myself.


I guess I do need to grow up a bit. I've always been stuck in the past due to the things I've been through - it was like time stopped for me but life kept going around me. I think I feel like it's 2016 and I'm still trying to live out my young 'care free' teens that I didn't necessarily feel like I had.

I guess I'd maybe like to be the kind of person that 'younger' 'teenage' Me needed. The kind of person I would have liked to look up to.

I'd like to be 'care free', like I wish I'd been during High School, but with a little bit of something more 'adult' and 'hot' thrown in there too.

I think I'm just seeking confidence.

But, I really don't know.

I have no idea.

I'm trying to figure out a balance between it all.

I want to grow up. I want to find my confidence - to be 'flirtatious' and 'fun'. I want to become a new 'got her shit together' version of me, but I don't want to lose who I am already in the process of that.



At the end of the day, I like 'Me'.

I'm friendly and kind and, surprisingly, I'm sometimes even funny.

I like the fact that I can make friends easily and people find me approachable. I like the fact that I'm open about things and willing to chat about anything and everything.

I don't want to become some mysterious 'sexy' persona who keeps themselves to themselves and is completely unapproachable. I don't want to be the complete opposite of who I am now.

I need to figure out how to be a bit of both - because that will be 'Me'; that will be 20 year old 'Me'.

"Be the person you needed when you were younger"

I think it's perfectly fine to still want to have a little bit of 'immaturity' left in me, as long as there's a little added 'sexiness' and '"hey, I earn my own money"' thrown in there too.

But, as I said, I just don't know. I'm in some kind of 'who am I?' 'what the fuck am I doing?' limbo.

I guess all I can do is grow up... but just not too much just yet - I can be who I am now, but do that whilst trying to find that confidence and self-esteem I think 20 year old 'Me' deserves.

It doesn't have to happen over-night, right?