Something Missing Or Something Not Needed

30.7.19


As I sit here on a sunny Monday morning, I'm in a state of overthinking that I am often finding myself in lately. It's as if something in my life is missing, or something in my life just isn't sitting right, and I'm slowly trying to figure out what it is. These past few years have been spent discovering myself over and over again, and yet I still seem to be finding myself at a cross roads when it comes to completely feeling 'whole'.

I'm in a different stage of my life than I've ever been before - considering my future way more thoroughly, trying to find that financial balance, and wondering what I really want to do with my life and who I want to be. I think that's the thing however, I'm not sure who I want to be anymore. I'm in that panicky stage of a quarter life crisis where everything just isn't slotting into place correctly and it's had me considering all my different options for a while now.



I guess right now, it's a process of deciding whether there's a gap in my life that needs filling, or there's simply too many plates spinning and there's something I need to let go of. This whole thing has had me losing my sense of identity - my sense of purpose - and it's taking it's toll.

I've already made so many big changes this year, and it's felt good to almost find a new side of myself and uncover a person that I think I've been trying to suppress, but I feel scared to let go of the old sides of myself too. I want to continue to be this person that I've built over the past 5 years, but I think I'm also ready to head into my next chapter of my life and discover someone/something new.

Why can't I be both? You might ask. Why can't I keep the old me and just build someone new on top of that? I mean, yes, I probably could, but it keeps giving me this sense of carrying dead weight around with me. I'd be carrying the hopes, dreams and ideas of a younger version of myself rather than putting all my focus onto what I currently want right now. So, what do I prioritise?



I've always dreamed big. I've always had an imagination that ran wild with ideas and hopefulness. Maybe letting go of my old dreams - my old self - let's me make room for new ones? Maybe the new me will have ideas just as bright as the old me did (but with just a little more common sense and life experience behind my back)? 

Honestly, whether there is something missing in my life or not, I do feel like I'm spinning too many plates and worrying over too many things. I feel like I'm holding onto things that don't need to be in my grasp anymore. I can proudly say that I'm excited that I've implemented new factors into my life this year and I love that I've began to understand more about my future and my position in the world. I think that's maybe a 'sign' (if you will) that something else is no longer needed - something else is holding me back.

I mean, I know this post is just a stream of consciousness - this is literally just my thoughts pasted out onto paper - but it's what I think I've needed to write to attempt to figure out what I truly want/need to do.

Regardless, I still feel a little lost with everything. No matter how much I seem to mull things over, I'm always left feeling confused by the countless possibilities there are. Maybe I need to just bite the bullet? Or maybe I just need to wait it out? Whatever I consider doing, it all just feels daunting - it all just feels like a huge leap from what I once was.

I'm one step away from feeling at peace with things. I just don't want to cut the wrong cord.

1 comment

  1. I completely relate lately. Sometimes I can't balance out what's going well and what needs work or doesn't, I'm constantly in a state of stress and confusion, but I can't work out if it's my own doing -- or shit is an ongoing mess, though not always a bad thing! xxxx

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