Big Decisions & A New Chapter

10.8.19


There have been a few thoughts hanging over me for a while now - the kind of thoughts that leave you unsure and questioning which path to take. I've had this knot in my stomach that just wouldn't go away and an uneasy sense of losing who I am as a person as the overthinking and worry took over me.

After months and months of anxiety and feeling completely perturbed, yesterday I decided to make some changes in my life. The first one being, leaving my modelling agency.



BLAZER - THRIFTED

I sat there, my hands anxiously twitching over my keyboard, trying to grow myself a pair of lady balls and asking myself "do I definitely want to do this?". It was clear to me that the answer was 'yes', because as soon as that email swooshed out of my drafts, everything felt lighter.

If you didn't know, I've been modelling since the end of 2015, so it's been a good 3 or so years for me. Leaving my agency doesn't necessarily mean I'm going completely cold turkey from the whole thing, it just means I need a break, or to at least take control of the steering wheel for a bit.

I mean, you guys know that I love being creative, styling up editorial shoots and working with other amazing talented people, but I felt my agency no longer served a purpose for me at this current time in my life. I wasn't a 'new face' or being seen as the 'one to watch' - I'd grown older (and a lot more tired... urgh) and I'd reached a point where I no longer felt like I could rely on the hopes of booking 'huge' jobs with 'huge' payouts. In all honesty, it just wasn't happening anymore - I was floating along, no work in sight, and completely panicking over my bank balance and yearning for the 90 day pay-day waiting period to be up. I didn't feel stable living like that - nothing was regular enough for it to be worth my while anymore.

I've loved the past few years I had with that agency; I got to experience some really amazing things, work with brands and companies I could never have imagined, and really push myself out of my comfort zone; but I feel like it almost took all my focus away from my blog... and the blogging is where my heart truly lies. I had this image in my head that I was going to model forever and ever, and my career would just 'blow up' and I'd never have to worry again, but I think with every model, there comes a point where the 'fun' just starts to fade and we're left with a sudden realization that it might not be the 'forever' path, and wondering what else is out there.



DRESS - GLAMOROUS [GIFT]

I didn't make this decision on impulse, I'd been thinking about it for over a year. I had been feeling it in my gut for so long, slowly figuring out the cause, and wondering whether to trust my instincts. I realised my blog had been put on the back burner, whilst I was chasing some almost impossible dream. I had committed myself to modelling for so long, and put all of my energy into it, but at some point the universe just stopped giving back, and I had to face the fact that it was maybe time to move on. The thing is, my blog was my original dream, and I had kind of forgotten that. I'd forgotten where this whole process had started - before modelling, was my blog, and my blog is mine and mine only to be in control of.

I had a sudden urge to take charge of myself and my life again.



BAG - THRIFTED

I've always had this image of everything I want to create and achieve, and with one less thing hanging over me, I finally feel clear minded about where I'm really trying to head in this industry. Of course, nothing is going to come easy - there's a whole wide world full of bloggers out there who are doing and curating amazing things - it's going to take a lot of listing making, emails, meetings, content planning and trying new things to *maybe* get myself to where I'd like to be.

Regardless, it's still nice to feel like I have a sense of direction now. It's good not to feel lost in wonderland and struggling to string together coherent thoughts. Everything had been so jumbled for so long and now I feel like a weights been lifted and I can center in on myself and what I want.



That's the thing with modelling, you're always trying to convey someone other than yourself. For me, that became a trap of not really focusing on my own issues, or wants, or emotions. Everything became blocked and I didn't feel like I could set it free until I completely let go.

With that being said, the next thing I did yesterday (literally 5 minutes after emailing my agency to say 'au revoir') was ring up my local hair dressers and book an appointment for that same day.

Now this decision was *kind of* impulsive, although still something I had been wanting to do for a while. You see, for modelling I've always had to have longer hair - it was an 'image' thing (as if i wasn't still going to look bangin on camera with short hair, am I right ladies?) - but short hair was always what I longed after. I've habitually felt more myself with shorter hair. I like chic, 'edgy' styles, and with long hair I simply felt too... 'generic', so to speak.




So, with nothing holding me back, my appointment booked, and the adrenaline rushing through me, I let the scissors meet the hair (I was trying to convey this in Paddy McGuinness's voice... I hope that worked) and chopped off a good 7 inches of my ginger locks.

I was sat in that salon chair feeling more excited than I had in months. I instantly had this new lease of life and clarity - the clarity in which I had been searching after for so long (it's amazing what a good haircut can do, I know). I felt like a 'new me', which might sound cliche, but it's true.

I sat, my new chic bob staring back at me in mirror, and felt like I could breathe again. There was a sense of self I hadn't felt in so long and a part of me deep down inside which had been liberated.

I think that's the funny thing about this year - I've felt it's been difficult, it's been bumpy, it's been confusing, but all in all, I think I've simply been on my way to figuring out who I am again; I've been rediscovering the person I should be. I guess it might seem strange to say that, because at 21 I feel like we're expected to be actualized people with goals set and our lives figured out, but despite doing this gig for the last 5 years, I feel like this is only the beginning for me. I feel like I'm barely getting going and I have a lot more to share and prove.



Having said that, I've found myself in the next chapter of my life. The focusing on 'me and my hopes and dreams' chapter. I'm excited to see where both I and this blogging malarkey go. I'm excited to express myself fully, as myself, and not a dulled down version of that.

As much as I've loved the past few years, entering into my 20's feels like the right time to gain some real self-worth and understanding. I want to be rid of comparison and more enticed by my own life and what I can do.

At the end of the day, the old 'me' had a good run, but I think it's time to let someone else take over.

"the more she looks back over her life, the more she is slowly beginning to find not everything went according to plan, but she certainly learned from it all. she grew in ways she never imagined she would grow and no one could take that away from her. - MHN"

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2 comments

  1. YOUR HAIR, this delicious shade of green, the dark contrasting background. Yes. A big, fat yes, you're an incredible blogger and I'm so glad you feel lighter and are taking more control. xxxxx

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