I thought I'd bring in the bank holiday by chatting to you all about this look I wore yesterday, as the heat wave was upon us and I had not packed correctly for the weather when travelling to Josh's for the weekend...doh!

This was a very last minute outfit that I actually ended up loving A LOT. There's something about summer dressing that I've found difficult this year - I keep feeling as if my style isn't made for the warmer days and always end up opting for the safe option of a dress and sandals, but I don't want the weather to stop me from getting creative with my style, you know?




SHIRT - THRIFTED // SHORTS - GHOSPELL [GIFT]

I had chucked this white shirt in my bag after picking it up from a charity shop for just £3(!!) and had planned to maybe wear it to work on Monday, but waking up on Saturday morning, I knew I had to throw something together that wasn't going to make me melt into a puddle wearing it. Luckily I had left these fabulous Ghospell shorts behind at Josh's house recently too, so with my white shirt in hand, and shorts at the ready, I knew this was going to be a fail safe option. (I mean, I can't go wrong with light weight materials and shorts when it's 30 degrees outside, right?)




BELT - ASOS // TRAINERS - MISS SELFRIDGE [GIFT] // BRALETTE - B.TEMPT'D [GIFT]

I paired the two with my trusty Miss Selfridge trainers, which I had recently dug out of the abyss of shoes in my wardrobe and they've now become my day-to-day shoe, as well as my favourite polka-dot ASOS belt, which I actually flipped backwards to create this cool monochromatic belt situation (how had I not done that before? I think it looks so cool!).

 I thought tying up the shirt with this gorgeous B.tempt'd Lace Kiss Bralette underneath was a really nice touch, and kind of gave me 'hot girl summer' vibes (a proper confidence boost outfit too!)




BAG - PAUL'S BOUTIQUE [GIFT] // WATCH - CLUSE [GIFT]

Last but not least, I have to give my new Paul's Boutique bag a mention. This is the GiGi Shoulder Bag in Green and I'm absolutely obsessed with it.

It's the perfect shopper/tote bag, with so much room inside for me to carry all of junk round with me. I love the croc material and the gold metal details (goes so well with my Cluse Watch and other gold gems!) - it's got a luxurious feel to it which I really like - and it's just the kind of bag I've been after for so so long. PLUS, I'm obsessed with the colour green right now, so this is a bag dream come true!


I just loved wearing this outfit, and I couldn't not share it, so... voila! ♥

White Shirts & Sunny Heatwaves

I thought I'd bring in the bank holiday by chatting to you all about this look I wore yesterday, as the heat wave was upon us and I had not packed correctly for the weather when travelling to Josh's for the weekend...doh!

This was a very last minute outfit that I actually ended up loving A LOT. There's something about summer dressing that I've found difficult this year - I keep feeling as if my style isn't made for the warmer days and always end up opting for the safe option of a dress and sandals, but I don't want the weather to stop me from getting creative with my style, you know?




SHIRT - THRIFTED // SHORTS - GHOSPELL [GIFT]

I had chucked this white shirt in my bag after picking it up from a charity shop for just £3(!!) and had planned to maybe wear it to work on Monday, but waking up on Saturday morning, I knew I had to throw something together that wasn't going to make me melt into a puddle wearing it. Luckily I had left these fabulous Ghospell shorts behind at Josh's house recently too, so with my white shirt in hand, and shorts at the ready, I knew this was going to be a fail safe option. (I mean, I can't go wrong with light weight materials and shorts when it's 30 degrees outside, right?)




BELT - ASOS // TRAINERS - MISS SELFRIDGE [GIFT] // BRALETTE - B.TEMPT'D [GIFT]

I paired the two with my trusty Miss Selfridge trainers, which I had recently dug out of the abyss of shoes in my wardrobe and they've now become my day-to-day shoe, as well as my favourite polka-dot ASOS belt, which I actually flipped backwards to create this cool monochromatic belt situation (how had I not done that before? I think it looks so cool!).

 I thought tying up the shirt with this gorgeous B.tempt'd Lace Kiss Bralette underneath was a really nice touch, and kind of gave me 'hot girl summer' vibes (a proper confidence boost outfit too!)




BAG - PAUL'S BOUTIQUE [GIFT] // WATCH - CLUSE [GIFT]

Last but not least, I have to give my new Paul's Boutique bag a mention. This is the GiGi Shoulder Bag in Green and I'm absolutely obsessed with it.

It's the perfect shopper/tote bag, with so much room inside for me to carry all of junk round with me. I love the croc material and the gold metal details (goes so well with my Cluse Watch and other gold gems!) - it's got a luxurious feel to it which I really like - and it's just the kind of bag I've been after for so so long. PLUS, I'm obsessed with the colour green right now, so this is a bag dream come true!


I just loved wearing this outfit, and I couldn't not share it, so... voila! ♥

Read more »

"I find it really difficult to open up to others about my mental health and the thoughts I'm having. I don't want to burden them with how I'm feeling, or worry them, but I feel SO alone with my thoughts. Do you have any advice for this? I don't even know where to start."

 This question really struck a chord with me, as I've not been feeling too dissimilar lately. The thing with bad mental health is that, we often develop this feeling that we're burdening people - the feeling that no one wants to hear about our problems, that no one will take the time to listen, that no one will understand - and it becomes cemented within us, stopping us from allowing ourselves to open up. There's always that voice inside ourselves that screams 'tell someone how you feel!', but it's like there's a blockage on the way from our brains to our mouths - the idea to speak is there, but the words can't make their way out. I completely empathise with that feeling.

It's not uncommon to feel like this - in fact I would definitely say that every single person I've ever known, who is suffering with their mental health, goes through the exact same thing. Our minds become routined in hiding things away; we become closed off and secretive, and that becomes our 'norm'; so when that little cry for help deep down inside us tries to emerge, we're left with the idea that everything should be suppressed - nothing should be talked about.

However, the thing I've grown to learn is that, that blockage between what we truly want to say and what our minds want us to keep hidden, can be broken down. The first step is finding a situation in which you feel most comfortable about discussing things, or finding a person you trust.

For example, one of my first port-of-calls are my friends - the same might go for you. Find a friend who you feel comfortable with, invite them round for a cuppa or whatever is least-complicated for you to do (I find it's often more comfortable to discuss things in a situation you feel familiar with, or in a space that feels safe) and let them know, in the easiest words you can, how you're feeling or that you might need help.

Easier said than done, of course.

I think that can be the thing sometimes - how are we supposed to explain what's going on in our head's when we barely even understand it ourselves? - we know we want to open up (and I believe that if you're thinking about telling someone what's going on, that's a really good sign in the right direction), but mustering the words can be the hardest part. Mental health is complicated, and generally putting things into words can be really tricky. But, do you know what? Even if everything feels like it's coming out like nonsense, the person listening can still take something away from it. Jumbled words are better than no words, and no one should have to go on struggling by themselves in silence.

Or, if it helps, write things down. I find that sometimes putting your thoughts down on paper can help them feel easier to discuss and to break down - even a simple text can feel more fitting sometimes. Whatever feels most safe and easiest for you to do.

Commonly, as people suffering with things like this, we keep things locked deep down inside, leaving ourselves in turmoil on a day-to-day basis, but having someone around you who can learn to understand and try to help you is honestly so important. And, despite what our minds want to tell us, people just want the best for us. People want us to be okay. I've never had a single person act as if they've been burdened by my opening up to them - there's always support there, and the will to try and understand. Our minds want to make us feel like it's a burden because illnesses habitually like to keep you trapped, but talking about things is the only way we can set ourselves free from that.

If it were the over way round, and it was your friend who was opening up, how would you react? I'm sure you would be telling them the same thing I'm telling you now - let it out, and don't deal with it alone. Sometimes it's good to try and step out and look from an outside perspective, remembering you should treat yourself no differently to how you would treat others.

Anyway, no matter what your mind is telling you, find a way that works for you to get the thoughts out. Let people be there for you - relationships are such a strong power in getting through situations like this.

The Burden Of Opening Up About Our Mental Health

"I find it really difficult to open up to others about my mental health and the thoughts I'm having. I don't want to burden them with how I'm feeling, or worry them, but I feel SO alone with my thoughts. Do you have any advice for this? I don't even know where to start."

 This question really struck a chord with me, as I've not been feeling too dissimilar lately. The thing with bad mental health is that, we often develop this feeling that we're burdening people - the feeling that no one wants to hear about our problems, that no one will take the time to listen, that no one will understand - and it becomes cemented within us, stopping us from allowing ourselves to open up. There's always that voice inside ourselves that screams 'tell someone how you feel!', but it's like there's a blockage on the way from our brains to our mouths - the idea to speak is there, but the words can't make their way out. I completely empathise with that feeling.

It's not uncommon to feel like this - in fact I would definitely say that every single person I've ever known, who is suffering with their mental health, goes through the exact same thing. Our minds become routined in hiding things away; we become closed off and secretive, and that becomes our 'norm'; so when that little cry for help deep down inside us tries to emerge, we're left with the idea that everything should be suppressed - nothing should be talked about.

However, the thing I've grown to learn is that, that blockage between what we truly want to say and what our minds want us to keep hidden, can be broken down. The first step is finding a situation in which you feel most comfortable about discussing things, or finding a person you trust.

For example, one of my first port-of-calls are my friends - the same might go for you. Find a friend who you feel comfortable with, invite them round for a cuppa or whatever is least-complicated for you to do (I find it's often more comfortable to discuss things in a situation you feel familiar with, or in a space that feels safe) and let them know, in the easiest words you can, how you're feeling or that you might need help.

Easier said than done, of course.

I think that can be the thing sometimes - how are we supposed to explain what's going on in our head's when we barely even understand it ourselves? - we know we want to open up (and I believe that if you're thinking about telling someone what's going on, that's a really good sign in the right direction), but mustering the words can be the hardest part. Mental health is complicated, and generally putting things into words can be really tricky. But, do you know what? Even if everything feels like it's coming out like nonsense, the person listening can still take something away from it. Jumbled words are better than no words, and no one should have to go on struggling by themselves in silence.

Or, if it helps, write things down. I find that sometimes putting your thoughts down on paper can help them feel easier to discuss and to break down - even a simple text can feel more fitting sometimes. Whatever feels most safe and easiest for you to do.

Commonly, as people suffering with things like this, we keep things locked deep down inside, leaving ourselves in turmoil on a day-to-day basis, but having someone around you who can learn to understand and try to help you is honestly so important. And, despite what our minds want to tell us, people just want the best for us. People want us to be okay. I've never had a single person act as if they've been burdened by my opening up to them - there's always support there, and the will to try and understand. Our minds want to make us feel like it's a burden because illnesses habitually like to keep you trapped, but talking about things is the only way we can set ourselves free from that.

If it were the over way round, and it was your friend who was opening up, how would you react? I'm sure you would be telling them the same thing I'm telling you now - let it out, and don't deal with it alone. Sometimes it's good to try and step out and look from an outside perspective, remembering you should treat yourself no differently to how you would treat others.

Anyway, no matter what your mind is telling you, find a way that works for you to get the thoughts out. Let people be there for you - relationships are such a strong power in getting through situations like this.
Read more »

Sat, phone in hand, fixating over the number of likes my latest Instagram post had received, and the last hour of my day spent comparing myself to someone else's Explore Page bikini pic, I had a sudden realisation that this whole thing was taking over my life. There wasn't a moment anymore where I didn't feel deflated by the low number of engagement staring back at me from my phone screen, and it dawned on me that I had began reducing myself to a number.

For me, Instagram had always been my creative outlet - never something I dreamed of making money from or having an audience on - it was simply my place to share the things I had created and loved. I was in the early stages of recovering from my eating disorders when I started blogging, and I had found solace in this little app where I could indulge myself in all things fashion and beauty, and even find people, like me, who were in recovery.

Days were made easier by the prospect of being able to wake up and have something to look forward to sharing and as years passed by Instagram became my little online space (along with my blog, of course). It became my daily life - curating, creating and sharing - there was nothing that made me feel more excited than hitting that 'post' button and seeing people's reactions to the things I'd worked hard on. I loved that time of my life - everything about Instagram felt light hearted and in favour of creativity, but at some point in 2018 things began to change, the numbers game began, and I was left feeling completely irrelevant.




That's the thing about social media, you grow to expect certain things out of it, especially as an 'influencer'. You build a following, receive a certain kind of number on your posts and anticipate that that's your regular gig, you know? Except, it's not like that anymore, nothing adds up, the numbers are all jumbled, and yet they're all that seem to have began to matter to us.

After 5 years of blogging, I think it only makes sense for me (and anyone else in the same boat, for that matter) to expect a steady growth in audience, yet the algorithm has brought a holt to that for so many people, beginning to dampen our creativity and breed comparison.

I reached a point where the amount of likes my post would get would impact my mood for the rest of the day (sad right? I know) and I was left scrolling down my feed and pining "Why can't I be her?!", "Why isn't my post being seen?!". That's no way to spend your days, is it? Do I really want something that once brought me so much joy to become the one thing that diminishes all of my confidence?

The answer is, no.

I don't want that to be the way things are.

I miss the days of posting a photo, leaving it behind and then coming back to see lovely comments from fellow creatives or simple supportive messages from my Mum - numbers playing no part in how I felt my work was being received.

I know we can't rewind time, (back to when the Instagram logo was brown or when we purely just posted photos with the 'Ludwig' filter on), but I feel like I can at least try and rewind my mindset.



TROUSERS - THRIFTED // BOOTS - EGO // BAG - SKINNY DIP [GIFT]

So, I decided to clear my mind of numbers, resting assured that my love for creativity still remained, and remembered why I started this whole malarkey in the first place... and that was for my undeniable urge to share what I enjoyed making.

I think that we've all forgotten, in the abyss or Instagram followers, views and likes, that there's a real world out there - a world which is filled with beautiful moments, bright ideas and millions of opportunities (none of which have a like button or a viewer count). And, So what if your most recent post just got 100 likes less than usual? Don't let that stop you going out there, curating new projects, writing new stories and experiencing things. Post things because you love that you made them, not because you're miserably awaiting what the algorithm is going to throw your way that day.

We need to stop changing the way we create in order to please a following or increase our popularity. We're all trying to adjust, alter and warp ourselves into something that the 'gram' wants; what happened to making things from passion or for fun? At some point, we're all going to end up with the same ol' Instagrams filled with the same ol' things. Trying to adapt ourselves is only going to move us further away from what we really want. Stay unique, embrace what is yours, and don't let the algorithm get to your head.

Shop the look:


Why I've Stopped Trying To Beat The Algorithm


Sat, phone in hand, fixating over the number of likes my latest Instagram post had received, and the last hour of my day spent comparing myself to someone else's Explore Page bikini pic, I had a sudden realisation that this whole thing was taking over my life. There wasn't a moment anymore where I didn't feel deflated by the low number of engagement staring back at me from my phone screen, and it dawned on me that I had began reducing myself to a number.

For me, Instagram had always been my creative outlet - never something I dreamed of making money from or having an audience on - it was simply my place to share the things I had created and loved. I was in the early stages of recovering from my eating disorders when I started blogging, and I had found solace in this little app where I could indulge myself in all things fashion and beauty, and even find people, like me, who were in recovery.

Days were made easier by the prospect of being able to wake up and have something to look forward to sharing and as years passed by Instagram became my little online space (along with my blog, of course). It became my daily life - curating, creating and sharing - there was nothing that made me feel more excited than hitting that 'post' button and seeing people's reactions to the things I'd worked hard on. I loved that time of my life - everything about Instagram felt light hearted and in favour of creativity, but at some point in 2018 things began to change, the numbers game began, and I was left feeling completely irrelevant.




That's the thing about social media, you grow to expect certain things out of it, especially as an 'influencer'. You build a following, receive a certain kind of number on your posts and anticipate that that's your regular gig, you know? Except, it's not like that anymore, nothing adds up, the numbers are all jumbled, and yet they're all that seem to have began to matter to us.

After 5 years of blogging, I think it only makes sense for me (and anyone else in the same boat, for that matter) to expect a steady growth in audience, yet the algorithm has brought a holt to that for so many people, beginning to dampen our creativity and breed comparison.

I reached a point where the amount of likes my post would get would impact my mood for the rest of the day (sad right? I know) and I was left scrolling down my feed and pining "Why can't I be her?!", "Why isn't my post being seen?!". That's no way to spend your days, is it? Do I really want something that once brought me so much joy to become the one thing that diminishes all of my confidence?

The answer is, no.

I don't want that to be the way things are.

I miss the days of posting a photo, leaving it behind and then coming back to see lovely comments from fellow creatives or simple supportive messages from my Mum - numbers playing no part in how I felt my work was being received.

I know we can't rewind time, (back to when the Instagram logo was brown or when we purely just posted photos with the 'Ludwig' filter on), but I feel like I can at least try and rewind my mindset.



TROUSERS - THRIFTED // BOOTS - EGO // BAG - SKINNY DIP [GIFT]

So, I decided to clear my mind of numbers, resting assured that my love for creativity still remained, and remembered why I started this whole malarkey in the first place... and that was for my undeniable urge to share what I enjoyed making.

I think that we've all forgotten, in the abyss or Instagram followers, views and likes, that there's a real world out there - a world which is filled with beautiful moments, bright ideas and millions of opportunities (none of which have a like button or a viewer count). And, So what if your most recent post just got 100 likes less than usual? Don't let that stop you going out there, curating new projects, writing new stories and experiencing things. Post things because you love that you made them, not because you're miserably awaiting what the algorithm is going to throw your way that day.

We need to stop changing the way we create in order to please a following or increase our popularity. We're all trying to adjust, alter and warp ourselves into something that the 'gram' wants; what happened to making things from passion or for fun? At some point, we're all going to end up with the same ol' Instagrams filled with the same ol' things. Trying to adapt ourselves is only going to move us further away from what we really want. Stay unique, embrace what is yours, and don't let the algorithm get to your head.

Shop the look:


Read more »

There have been a few thoughts hanging over me for a while now - the kind of thoughts that leave you unsure and questioning which path to take. I've had this knot in my stomach that just wouldn't go away and an uneasy sense of losing who I am as a person as the overthinking and worry took over me.

After months and months of anxiety and feeling completely perturbed, yesterday I decided to make some changes in my life. The first one being, leaving my modelling agency.



BLAZER - THRIFTED

I sat there, my hands anxiously twitching over my keyboard, trying to grow myself a pair of lady balls and asking myself "do I definitely want to do this?". It was clear to me that the answer was 'yes', because as soon as that email swooshed out of my drafts, everything felt lighter.

If you didn't know, I've been modelling since the end of 2015, so it's been a good 3 or so years for me. Leaving my agency doesn't necessarily mean I'm going completely cold turkey from the whole thing, it just means I need a break, or to at least take control of the steering wheel for a bit.

I mean, you guys know that I love being creative, styling up editorial shoots and working with other amazing talented people, but I felt my agency no longer served a purpose for me at this current time in my life. I wasn't a 'new face' or being seen as the 'one to watch' - I'd grown older (and a lot more tired... urgh) and I'd reached a point where I no longer felt like I could rely on the hopes of booking 'huge' jobs with 'huge' payouts. In all honesty, it just wasn't happening anymore - I was floating along, no work in sight, and completely panicking over my bank balance and yearning for the 90 day pay-day waiting period to be up. I didn't feel stable living like that - nothing was regular enough for it to be worth my while anymore.

I've loved the past few years I had with that agency; I got to experience some really amazing things, work with brands and companies I could never have imagined, and really push myself out of my comfort zone; but I feel like it almost took all my focus away from my blog... and the blogging is where my heart truly lies. I had this image in my head that I was going to model forever and ever, and my career would just 'blow up' and I'd never have to worry again, but I think with every model, there comes a point where the 'fun' just starts to fade and we're left with a sudden realization that it might not be the 'forever' path, and wondering what else is out there.



DRESS - GLAMOROUS [GIFT]

I didn't make this decision on impulse, I'd been thinking about it for over a year. I had been feeling it in my gut for so long, slowly figuring out the cause, and wondering whether to trust my instincts. I realised my blog had been put on the back burner, whilst I was chasing some almost impossible dream. I had committed myself to modelling for so long, and put all of my energy into it, but at some point the universe just stopped giving back, and I had to face the fact that it was maybe time to move on. The thing is, my blog was my original dream, and I had kind of forgotten that. I'd forgotten where this whole process had started - before modelling, was my blog, and my blog is mine and mine only to be in control of.

I had a sudden urge to take charge of myself and my life again.



BAG - THRIFTED

I've always had this image of everything I want to create and achieve, and with one less thing hanging over me, I finally feel clear minded about where I'm really trying to head in this industry. Of course, nothing is going to come easy - there's a whole wide world full of bloggers out there who are doing and curating amazing things - it's going to take a lot of listing making, emails, meetings, content planning and trying new things to *maybe* get myself to where I'd like to be.

Regardless, it's still nice to feel like I have a sense of direction now. It's good not to feel lost in wonderland and struggling to string together coherent thoughts. Everything had been so jumbled for so long and now I feel like a weights been lifted and I can center in on myself and what I want.



That's the thing with modelling, you're always trying to convey someone other than yourself. For me, that became a trap of not really focusing on my own issues, or wants, or emotions. Everything became blocked and I didn't feel like I could set it free until I completely let go.

With that being said, the next thing I did yesterday (literally 5 minutes after emailing my agency to say 'au revoir') was ring up my local hair dressers and book an appointment for that same day.

Now this decision was *kind of* impulsive, although still something I had been wanting to do for a while. You see, for modelling I've always had to have longer hair - it was an 'image' thing (as if i wasn't still going to look bangin on camera with short hair, am I right ladies?) - but short hair was always what I longed after. I've habitually felt more myself with shorter hair. I like chic, 'edgy' styles, and with long hair I simply felt too... 'generic', so to speak.




So, with nothing holding me back, my appointment booked, and the adrenaline rushing through me, I let the scissors meet the hair (I was trying to convey this in Paddy McGuinness's voice... I hope that worked) and chopped off a good 7 inches of my ginger locks.

I was sat in that salon chair feeling more excited than I had in months. I instantly had this new lease of life and clarity - the clarity in which I had been searching after for so long (it's amazing what a good haircut can do, I know). I felt like a 'new me', which might sound cliche, but it's true.

I sat, my new chic bob staring back at me in mirror, and felt like I could breathe again. There was a sense of self I hadn't felt in so long and a part of me deep down inside which had been liberated.

I think that's the funny thing about this year - I've felt it's been difficult, it's been bumpy, it's been confusing, but all in all, I think I've simply been on my way to figuring out who I am again; I've been rediscovering the person I should be. I guess it might seem strange to say that, because at 21 I feel like we're expected to be actualized people with goals set and our lives figured out, but despite doing this gig for the last 5 years, I feel like this is only the beginning for me. I feel like I'm barely getting going and I have a lot more to share and prove.



Having said that, I've found myself in the next chapter of my life. The focusing on 'me and my hopes and dreams' chapter. I'm excited to see where both I and this blogging malarkey go. I'm excited to express myself fully, as myself, and not a dulled down version of that.

As much as I've loved the past few years, entering into my 20's feels like the right time to gain some real self-worth and understanding. I want to be rid of comparison and more enticed by my own life and what I can do.

At the end of the day, the old 'me' had a good run, but I think it's time to let someone else take over.

"the more she looks back over her life, the more she is slowly beginning to find not everything went according to plan, but she certainly learned from it all. she grew in ways she never imagined she would grow and no one could take that away from her. - MHN"

Shop the look:


Big Decisions & A New Chapter

There have been a few thoughts hanging over me for a while now - the kind of thoughts that leave you unsure and questioning which path to take. I've had this knot in my stomach that just wouldn't go away and an uneasy sense of losing who I am as a person as the overthinking and worry took over me.

After months and months of anxiety and feeling completely perturbed, yesterday I decided to make some changes in my life. The first one being, leaving my modelling agency.



BLAZER - THRIFTED

I sat there, my hands anxiously twitching over my keyboard, trying to grow myself a pair of lady balls and asking myself "do I definitely want to do this?". It was clear to me that the answer was 'yes', because as soon as that email swooshed out of my drafts, everything felt lighter.

If you didn't know, I've been modelling since the end of 2015, so it's been a good 3 or so years for me. Leaving my agency doesn't necessarily mean I'm going completely cold turkey from the whole thing, it just means I need a break, or to at least take control of the steering wheel for a bit.

I mean, you guys know that I love being creative, styling up editorial shoots and working with other amazing talented people, but I felt my agency no longer served a purpose for me at this current time in my life. I wasn't a 'new face' or being seen as the 'one to watch' - I'd grown older (and a lot more tired... urgh) and I'd reached a point where I no longer felt like I could rely on the hopes of booking 'huge' jobs with 'huge' payouts. In all honesty, it just wasn't happening anymore - I was floating along, no work in sight, and completely panicking over my bank balance and yearning for the 90 day pay-day waiting period to be up. I didn't feel stable living like that - nothing was regular enough for it to be worth my while anymore.

I've loved the past few years I had with that agency; I got to experience some really amazing things, work with brands and companies I could never have imagined, and really push myself out of my comfort zone; but I feel like it almost took all my focus away from my blog... and the blogging is where my heart truly lies. I had this image in my head that I was going to model forever and ever, and my career would just 'blow up' and I'd never have to worry again, but I think with every model, there comes a point where the 'fun' just starts to fade and we're left with a sudden realization that it might not be the 'forever' path, and wondering what else is out there.



DRESS - GLAMOROUS [GIFT]

I didn't make this decision on impulse, I'd been thinking about it for over a year. I had been feeling it in my gut for so long, slowly figuring out the cause, and wondering whether to trust my instincts. I realised my blog had been put on the back burner, whilst I was chasing some almost impossible dream. I had committed myself to modelling for so long, and put all of my energy into it, but at some point the universe just stopped giving back, and I had to face the fact that it was maybe time to move on. The thing is, my blog was my original dream, and I had kind of forgotten that. I'd forgotten where this whole process had started - before modelling, was my blog, and my blog is mine and mine only to be in control of.

I had a sudden urge to take charge of myself and my life again.



BAG - THRIFTED

I've always had this image of everything I want to create and achieve, and with one less thing hanging over me, I finally feel clear minded about where I'm really trying to head in this industry. Of course, nothing is going to come easy - there's a whole wide world full of bloggers out there who are doing and curating amazing things - it's going to take a lot of listing making, emails, meetings, content planning and trying new things to *maybe* get myself to where I'd like to be.

Regardless, it's still nice to feel like I have a sense of direction now. It's good not to feel lost in wonderland and struggling to string together coherent thoughts. Everything had been so jumbled for so long and now I feel like a weights been lifted and I can center in on myself and what I want.



That's the thing with modelling, you're always trying to convey someone other than yourself. For me, that became a trap of not really focusing on my own issues, or wants, or emotions. Everything became blocked and I didn't feel like I could set it free until I completely let go.

With that being said, the next thing I did yesterday (literally 5 minutes after emailing my agency to say 'au revoir') was ring up my local hair dressers and book an appointment for that same day.

Now this decision was *kind of* impulsive, although still something I had been wanting to do for a while. You see, for modelling I've always had to have longer hair - it was an 'image' thing (as if i wasn't still going to look bangin on camera with short hair, am I right ladies?) - but short hair was always what I longed after. I've habitually felt more myself with shorter hair. I like chic, 'edgy' styles, and with long hair I simply felt too... 'generic', so to speak.




So, with nothing holding me back, my appointment booked, and the adrenaline rushing through me, I let the scissors meet the hair (I was trying to convey this in Paddy McGuinness's voice... I hope that worked) and chopped off a good 7 inches of my ginger locks.

I was sat in that salon chair feeling more excited than I had in months. I instantly had this new lease of life and clarity - the clarity in which I had been searching after for so long (it's amazing what a good haircut can do, I know). I felt like a 'new me', which might sound cliche, but it's true.

I sat, my new chic bob staring back at me in mirror, and felt like I could breathe again. There was a sense of self I hadn't felt in so long and a part of me deep down inside which had been liberated.

I think that's the funny thing about this year - I've felt it's been difficult, it's been bumpy, it's been confusing, but all in all, I think I've simply been on my way to figuring out who I am again; I've been rediscovering the person I should be. I guess it might seem strange to say that, because at 21 I feel like we're expected to be actualized people with goals set and our lives figured out, but despite doing this gig for the last 5 years, I feel like this is only the beginning for me. I feel like I'm barely getting going and I have a lot more to share and prove.



Having said that, I've found myself in the next chapter of my life. The focusing on 'me and my hopes and dreams' chapter. I'm excited to see where both I and this blogging malarkey go. I'm excited to express myself fully, as myself, and not a dulled down version of that.

As much as I've loved the past few years, entering into my 20's feels like the right time to gain some real self-worth and understanding. I want to be rid of comparison and more enticed by my own life and what I can do.

At the end of the day, the old 'me' had a good run, but I think it's time to let someone else take over.

"the more she looks back over her life, the more she is slowly beginning to find not everything went according to plan, but she certainly learned from it all. she grew in ways she never imagined she would grow and no one could take that away from her. - MHN"

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