For some reason, as of late, I seem to have reverted back to a place where I channel an incessant need to be liked. Well, maybe 'liked' is the wrong word, but at least the need to not upset or irritate people.

I've always thought of myself as quite an annoying person - the person in the group who never *quite* knows what to say, or never really *quite* understands what's going on. I get anxious in social situations, not even being able to answer a simple "what've you been up to?" without replying "not much" out of panic, even though I've spent my week busying around, or actually doing a lot more than 'not much'. I just don't want to bore people, or stumble on my words whilst telling a story. There seems to be nothing worse to me than rambling on to people who probably don't care about the emails I've had, or the fact that I've had my photo taken for a millionth time this week...

I mean, maybe this is just due to some heightened anxiety recently, but I've felt I've been overcompensating for a lot. I seem to constantly have this urge to hide a weakened side of myself, pasting over it with a giggly character, who probably actually ends up being more irritating than my normal personality. Well, don't get me wrong, I've always been a little bit goofy and say silly things, but there's currently this voice in the back of my head, which is always spurring me on to try and be funny, or pressuring me to not be left out of things.


I never used to be like that (well, not for a long time anyway). I'd reached a point where I really didn't mind if someone didn't like me. Not everyone's going to be your number 1 fan, right? I was happy floating along, being exactly who I was, not worrying over whether people thought I was weird, or didn't like my outfits, so this constant desire to not piss people off feels quite peculiar.

For me, the incessant need to be liked was something from my school days. I always wanted like 'popular' girls to like me, the boys to fancy me and the teachers to think I was succeeding. It was a personality trait that pushed my mental health into a spiral and left me clawing my way out of some weird dark hole I'd unintentionally pushed myself into.

From that I'd learnt it was trait I no longer needed, nor wanted. Something in my brain clicked and I realised the only person that I should be *that* concerned about, was myself. The fact that I'd spent about 9 years worrying myself over the opinions of other people felt ridiculous, and it was kind of a point in my life where (and not to be too symbolic here...) I set myself free.

Like I said, I've been anxious lately, so I'm kind of putting it down to that, but I've also made a lot of changes in my life this year and, because of that, have met a lot of new people. Maybe it's a case of me panicking over some fresh new slate that I have to paste my personality out onto again? Maybe I feel the need to 'recreate' myself somehow?

With starting a new job and leaving my agency, I guess I've opened myself back up to some thoughts and emotions that I'd closed off before. It feels strange to have regressed back to such a place, but it's not not plausible.

Whatever it is, it's completely draining, and it's not something I want to continue feeling.


All in all, I have been having an odd time of it lately. Lots of things in my life have lead to more anxiety, more struggles with food and more worries over my appearance, so maybe it's just a case of rewiring my brain again to get back to that more 'care free' place.

No one wants to go through life fretting over what other people think - nobody has time for that. And, I certainly don't want to default back into the way I felt during high school (dear god, NO).

I think even just writing this out has given me some perspective, so hopefully I can feel back to my unworried self soon enough.

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