Gingham, despite usually being associated with child hood and picnic blankets, has totally taken the fashion world by storm this season. It's interesting just how much things, fashion and, simply, ourselves, can evolve over time. Trends come in and out (I mean, you won't be seeing me wearing anything that was popular in the 00's anytime soon, that's for sure) and similarly, so do the people, the experiences and the habits of our lives.




When I'm challenged to make big decisions, it makes me realise just how much growing up I've done during my 18 years on the planet. Even just a couple of years ago, I wouldn't have been gutsy enough to do some of the things I do today. I've made life choices that are going to affect my future, I've started earning money from doing what I love and, slowly but surely, I've matured into a young adult (how bloody scary).




Let's go back about 10 years. I would have been 8 years old. At 8 years old, I would have had no idea that my life was going to be the way that it has done. I wouldn't have known about Eating Disorders or mental health issues, I wouldn't have known about modelling and the modelling industry, and I, for sure, wouldn't have known about blogging... I'm not even sure it existed back then! At 8 years old, I was clueless about fashion, and I wouldn't have known what gingham was if you threw it in my face and screamed 'THIS IS GINGHAM!'. I was young, care free, and fashion wasn't something I focused on. Then, fast forward 10 years, and here I am. I'm 18 years old, I've been through hell and back with my mental health, I've been modelling for a year, and my blog is my life. Fashion takes up about 95% of my time; I know all about the gingham trend and am constantly thinking of ways to incorporate it into my wardrobe. I've very simply, 'grown up'. 







You see, we can't predict our futures, even when we're at an age where we're able to start molding it all together. Similarly, we can't predict which fashion trends (that used to remind us of our summer school uniform) are going to come popping back up in Vogue magazine.

I would never have predicted that I'd be wearing bright blue trousers and a bright red jacket and trying to make my hotel room into some kind of editorial photo-shoot, back when I used to stand in my back garden against that white wall with my camera on self timer (you'll know what I'm talking about if you've read this blog for a while haha). Things change and things are very much out of our control, but I kind of love that sometimes.





Everything happens for a reason, and that includes trends and which things are currently in fashion. Gingham is in style right now for a reason, and it's probably to let it escape from that boundary of being 'picnic blanket, summer dress and wicker basket' related. Gingham deserves it's moment, even if it is just by simply incorporating it in a small amount like I've done here. Just like I have had chance to grow up, so has fashion and it's boundaries.

If you're wanting to recreate this look, or simply just incorporate a little bit of gingham into your wardrobe, then head on over to the New Look website and have a good ol' mooch!

Growing Up and Looking To The Future




Gingham, despite usually being associated with child hood and picnic blankets, has totally taken the fashion world by storm this season. It's interesting just how much things, fashion and, simply, ourselves, can evolve over time. Trends come in and out (I mean, you won't be seeing me wearing anything that was popular in the 00's anytime soon, that's for sure) and similarly, so do the people, the experiences and the habits of our lives.




When I'm challenged to make big decisions, it makes me realise just how much growing up I've done during my 18 years on the planet. Even just a couple of years ago, I wouldn't have been gutsy enough to do some of the things I do today. I've made life choices that are going to affect my future, I've started earning money from doing what I love and, slowly but surely, I've matured into a young adult (how bloody scary).




Let's go back about 10 years. I would have been 8 years old. At 8 years old, I would have had no idea that my life was going to be the way that it has done. I wouldn't have known about Eating Disorders or mental health issues, I wouldn't have known about modelling and the modelling industry, and I, for sure, wouldn't have known about blogging... I'm not even sure it existed back then! At 8 years old, I was clueless about fashion, and I wouldn't have known what gingham was if you threw it in my face and screamed 'THIS IS GINGHAM!'. I was young, care free, and fashion wasn't something I focused on. Then, fast forward 10 years, and here I am. I'm 18 years old, I've been through hell and back with my mental health, I've been modelling for a year, and my blog is my life. Fashion takes up about 95% of my time; I know all about the gingham trend and am constantly thinking of ways to incorporate it into my wardrobe. I've very simply, 'grown up'. 







You see, we can't predict our futures, even when we're at an age where we're able to start molding it all together. Similarly, we can't predict which fashion trends (that used to remind us of our summer school uniform) are going to come popping back up in Vogue magazine.

I would never have predicted that I'd be wearing bright blue trousers and a bright red jacket and trying to make my hotel room into some kind of editorial photo-shoot, back when I used to stand in my back garden against that white wall with my camera on self timer (you'll know what I'm talking about if you've read this blog for a while haha). Things change and things are very much out of our control, but I kind of love that sometimes.





Everything happens for a reason, and that includes trends and which things are currently in fashion. Gingham is in style right now for a reason, and it's probably to let it escape from that boundary of being 'picnic blanket, summer dress and wicker basket' related. Gingham deserves it's moment, even if it is just by simply incorporating it in a small amount like I've done here. Just like I have had chance to grow up, so has fashion and it's boundaries.

If you're wanting to recreate this look, or simply just incorporate a little bit of gingham into your wardrobe, then head on over to the New Look website and have a good ol' mooch!



As I stood donning this incredibly vibrant outfit, I began thinking to myself just how much my style has evolved and changed, even over the past few months. When I first began blogging, I was very into the 'minimalist' vibe and would only ever grab for the monochromatic pieces. Now, 2 and a bit years later and, I'm really stepping out of that 'comfort zone' and experimenting with my style. It's interesting to see how far you've come and grown and evolved.





JUMPER - ZARA // TROUSERS - ASOS

I spent a lot of the past year worrying about one particular thing and that one thing was 'change'. I'd been kind of stuck in 2014 for the past few years, simply because I'd dropped out of college (and basically society) (you know the story) and my life had stood still for a really long time. Once I had began to feel better, it was really strange to me just how much things, people and life had changed whilst I was 'gone'. The relationships in my life felt different, things that were 'cool' were no longer 'cool', and I just really wasn't sure how to deal with it.

It really upset me that things had changed. I wanted to go back to my 'old life', but 2 years or so had passed and it would be ridiculous for things to have stood still as they were over such a long period of time. But, still, it felt very odd to be trying to slip back into normality when none of it felt 'normal' to me.






That's the thing - nothing felt normal anymore. Everything had progressed (as life does), and because I wasn't there to progress with it, I couldn't just slip smoothly back into the way things were.

This is when I really began to develop Paranoia. I was worrying about why things had changed and it made me constantly doubt myself and other people. I was confused by the way that people had changed their ways and the way that they were acting different with me. I couldn't comprehend that in those 2 years where I had felt the same age (16), the majority of people around me had been going through one of the biggest pivotal moments of a young person's life (turning 18). I just basically wanted things to be how they were. I expected to go back to the exact same life and relationships that I had in 2014, but obviously I'd been off the radar for so long, that that was quite clearly not going to be the case.

I began to question everything. I was constantly concerned that I was doing something wrong and that that was why people were acting different with me. I'd be thinking 'oh my god, you're irritating them' 'they hate you' 'what have I done?', on a daily basis and it became all I would be able to focus on. I didn't want to end up pushing people further away, so I would stop myself from speaking or doing certain things around people. I'd basically began stopping myself from actually being 'myself' - I was more concerned with pleasing everyone.





EARRINGS - VINTAGE // COAT - ZARA

It only really hit me at the end of last year, just how much I was exhausting myself over trying to be this 'old me' and ensure that everyone liked me. I didn't know how to act within these new relationships that had evolved whilst I was 'away' and it really hurt at the time. However, as I began to grow and change and become the person I am today, I realised that we all change and that it's just a part of life. Things can't stay the way that they are, or else the world would just be at a stand still. No one would be able to progress further with anything and we'd all still be acting like we were 16. 

I realise now that change is good. Everyone needs to grow as a human being, both mentally and physically, and emotionally too. Without change, we cannot evolve and challenge ourselves to new things - it forces us to break through our boundaries and move on from stages of our lives that we need to let go of. I was holding on to a part of my life that, really, I just needed to be free from. I was trying to grip onto relationships that no longer existed, rather than excepting the news ones and learning from them. And, even though it was hard and it hurt me to do so, I had to just let go.





LIPS - SMASHBOX // RING - PRIMARK

"The world gives you so much pain and here you are making gold out of it"

The same applies to my style. If my style, my content, my blog, etc etc, hadn't changed and grown since I first started, then I probably would't have made the progress that I have, both as a blogger and simply, a human being, that I have today. Challenging myself by adding a splash of colour or pattern to my wardrobe has allowed me a sense of creative freedom. I can take inspiration from the catwalk trends that aren't 'minimal' or 'simplistic'. I can look at the likes of Gucci and Givenchy and take inspiration from the colours and styles and be excited to try out something fun and new. It's simply wonderful to just feel free and let your creativity out.

Just like with my relationships with people, and the way that life and what's 'cool', adjusts depending on the times, so will my relationship with fashion, so will my relationship with this blog, and that is 100% a positive thing.

Shop this look here:


People Change, People Grow




As I stood donning this incredibly vibrant outfit, I began thinking to myself just how much my style has evolved and changed, even over the past few months. When I first began blogging, I was very into the 'minimalist' vibe and would only ever grab for the monochromatic pieces. Now, 2 and a bit years later and, I'm really stepping out of that 'comfort zone' and experimenting with my style. It's interesting to see how far you've come and grown and evolved.





JUMPER - ZARA // TROUSERS - ASOS

I spent a lot of the past year worrying about one particular thing and that one thing was 'change'. I'd been kind of stuck in 2014 for the past few years, simply because I'd dropped out of college (and basically society) (you know the story) and my life had stood still for a really long time. Once I had began to feel better, it was really strange to me just how much things, people and life had changed whilst I was 'gone'. The relationships in my life felt different, things that were 'cool' were no longer 'cool', and I just really wasn't sure how to deal with it.

It really upset me that things had changed. I wanted to go back to my 'old life', but 2 years or so had passed and it would be ridiculous for things to have stood still as they were over such a long period of time. But, still, it felt very odd to be trying to slip back into normality when none of it felt 'normal' to me.






That's the thing - nothing felt normal anymore. Everything had progressed (as life does), and because I wasn't there to progress with it, I couldn't just slip smoothly back into the way things were.

This is when I really began to develop Paranoia. I was worrying about why things had changed and it made me constantly doubt myself and other people. I was confused by the way that people had changed their ways and the way that they were acting different with me. I couldn't comprehend that in those 2 years where I had felt the same age (16), the majority of people around me had been going through one of the biggest pivotal moments of a young person's life (turning 18). I just basically wanted things to be how they were. I expected to go back to the exact same life and relationships that I had in 2014, but obviously I'd been off the radar for so long, that that was quite clearly not going to be the case.

I began to question everything. I was constantly concerned that I was doing something wrong and that that was why people were acting different with me. I'd be thinking 'oh my god, you're irritating them' 'they hate you' 'what have I done?', on a daily basis and it became all I would be able to focus on. I didn't want to end up pushing people further away, so I would stop myself from speaking or doing certain things around people. I'd basically began stopping myself from actually being 'myself' - I was more concerned with pleasing everyone.





EARRINGS - VINTAGE // COAT - ZARA

It only really hit me at the end of last year, just how much I was exhausting myself over trying to be this 'old me' and ensure that everyone liked me. I didn't know how to act within these new relationships that had evolved whilst I was 'away' and it really hurt at the time. However, as I began to grow and change and become the person I am today, I realised that we all change and that it's just a part of life. Things can't stay the way that they are, or else the world would just be at a stand still. No one would be able to progress further with anything and we'd all still be acting like we were 16. 

I realise now that change is good. Everyone needs to grow as a human being, both mentally and physically, and emotionally too. Without change, we cannot evolve and challenge ourselves to new things - it forces us to break through our boundaries and move on from stages of our lives that we need to let go of. I was holding on to a part of my life that, really, I just needed to be free from. I was trying to grip onto relationships that no longer existed, rather than excepting the news ones and learning from them. And, even though it was hard and it hurt me to do so, I had to just let go.





LIPS - SMASHBOX // RING - PRIMARK

"The world gives you so much pain and here you are making gold out of it"

The same applies to my style. If my style, my content, my blog, etc etc, hadn't changed and grown since I first started, then I probably would't have made the progress that I have, both as a blogger and simply, a human being, that I have today. Challenging myself by adding a splash of colour or pattern to my wardrobe has allowed me a sense of creative freedom. I can take inspiration from the catwalk trends that aren't 'minimal' or 'simplistic'. I can look at the likes of Gucci and Givenchy and take inspiration from the colours and styles and be excited to try out something fun and new. It's simply wonderful to just feel free and let your creativity out.

Just like with my relationships with people, and the way that life and what's 'cool', adjusts depending on the times, so will my relationship with fashion, so will my relationship with this blog, and that is 100% a positive thing.

Shop this look here:




I've recently been trying to give myself a little bit of a break. I've been feeling pretty tired... well, actually, exhausted, and so I've decided to make sure that I'm letting my body, and especially my mind, rest and recuperate.

You see, I am soooo incredibly motivated this year. I've got so many ideas and plans and I just can't wait to put them all into action. These first two months have been amazing, but incredibly hectic. I've worked non-stop creating content and heading back and to to London, but as we've hit March, I think it's finally taken it's toll and I've hit a bit of a plateau.

I feel worn out and just constantly tired. I feel like when people talk to me, I can't process it and even when I'm looking at an image or trying to read, everything just feels fuzzy. Luckily for little ol' me, I've been such a workaholic for the past two months that I can afford to take a little step back for a bit. I've got so much already written and filmed and organised, that (thank god) it's allowed me to take a break over the past week or so.


It began with a bit of an emotional spiral, where I just kept crying and wondering "WHY AM I SO EXHAUSTED?!". Then came the part where I kept working and working, despite the crying and the mental breakdowns, which just lead to more crying and more mental breakdowns. And now, I'm finally at the part where I've excepted that it's okay to have some time off (even though, I'm still finding myself doing bits of bobs, but at least they're from the comfort of my bed in my pyjamas haha). 

I guess, sometimes it can just be tough to take a step back, especially when you're so passionate about what you're doing. It can be hard to try and switch off and not think - I know that I spend 99.9% of my time thinking about SOMETHING so, that's a tricky one for me. I think you've just got to give yourself enough time to actually process the fact that you need a break from life. It took me about a week to convince myself that I just needed a few days of Netflix and laziness, and that it's totally okay to do that from time to time.

My mind was so focused on work and wanting to keep going that it wasn't letting any of my thoughts about having a break or resting come to the forefront of my mind.


NECK SCARF - EBAY // EARRINGS - M&S // SKIRT - NEW LOOK

One thing that I always find that brings me to a kind of 'peaceful' mind set is simply, silence. I love the beauty of hearing no noise. It allows me to process my thoughts slowly and remind myself to do things one thing at a time, rather than having a million and one thoughts whizzing around my head all of the time.

I love just being home alone and being able to breathe. Sometimes I feel suffocated if I can hear other people or I can't just roam freely around the house in my PJs and not bump into someone. That probably makes me sound like a grumpy anti-social weirdo, but I just need everything around me to feel empty, to make my mind coherently feel empty too.

I just think there's so much beauty in silence. It makes me feel calm and like I can breathe. It allows me to just feel what I'm actually feeling and not have that 'cloudy mind' feeling that I often have. It's exactly the one thing that I really needed after such a busy time over January and February - I just needed a bit of silence.




I often forget that, after a while, being busy is bound to take it's toll on my mental health. I forget that I still find it difficult to get on with life, and 'busy-ness', as easily as everyone else does. A lot of things still bring me Anxiety and I deal with everything else like my OCD on a day-to-day basis too. So, as well as always being super busy with work, I'm also constantly trying to keep myself sane - it's like I'm doing double the work that I think I'm doing. (No bloody wonder I'm so tired). 

I think if you reach a point where you're crying because you're exhausted and you feel like you just can't process anything (which is the point that I got to), then I think it's time to take a step back. I think it's important to remember that work really can take it's toll on your mental state and that we need to look after ourselves. It's nice to just sit in silence and let yourself think calmly and slowly, rather than feeling manically stressed 24/7.


BAG - MATALAN

"If the ocean can calm itself, so can you. We are both salt water mixed with air"

So if, like me, you've hit that March 'plateau' after the 'New Year' high, then maybe it's time to take a little break. Remember that there's no point completely wearing yourself out from work. Remember that without motivation, energy and passion, the work you do or content that you create, isn't going to be as good as it could be with a focused and calm mind to create it in the first place.

It's okay to have a break. It's okay to sleep in or stay in bed all day. It's okay to watch Netflix for 8 hours straight or not even have a shower. It's okay to leave your emails for today and deal with them another time. It's okay to react to how you're feeling and not let yourself suffer and stress out from exhaustion. Everyone needs some time to just be in silence and be calm.

Shop this look here:


There's Beauty In Silence



I've recently been trying to give myself a little bit of a break. I've been feeling pretty tired... well, actually, exhausted, and so I've decided to make sure that I'm letting my body, and especially my mind, rest and recuperate.

You see, I am soooo incredibly motivated this year. I've got so many ideas and plans and I just can't wait to put them all into action. These first two months have been amazing, but incredibly hectic. I've worked non-stop creating content and heading back and to to London, but as we've hit March, I think it's finally taken it's toll and I've hit a bit of a plateau.

I feel worn out and just constantly tired. I feel like when people talk to me, I can't process it and even when I'm looking at an image or trying to read, everything just feels fuzzy. Luckily for little ol' me, I've been such a workaholic for the past two months that I can afford to take a little step back for a bit. I've got so much already written and filmed and organised, that (thank god) it's allowed me to take a break over the past week or so.


It began with a bit of an emotional spiral, where I just kept crying and wondering "WHY AM I SO EXHAUSTED?!". Then came the part where I kept working and working, despite the crying and the mental breakdowns, which just lead to more crying and more mental breakdowns. And now, I'm finally at the part where I've excepted that it's okay to have some time off (even though, I'm still finding myself doing bits of bobs, but at least they're from the comfort of my bed in my pyjamas haha). 

I guess, sometimes it can just be tough to take a step back, especially when you're so passionate about what you're doing. It can be hard to try and switch off and not think - I know that I spend 99.9% of my time thinking about SOMETHING so, that's a tricky one for me. I think you've just got to give yourself enough time to actually process the fact that you need a break from life. It took me about a week to convince myself that I just needed a few days of Netflix and laziness, and that it's totally okay to do that from time to time.

My mind was so focused on work and wanting to keep going that it wasn't letting any of my thoughts about having a break or resting come to the forefront of my mind.


NECK SCARF - EBAY // EARRINGS - M&S // SKIRT - NEW LOOK

One thing that I always find that brings me to a kind of 'peaceful' mind set is simply, silence. I love the beauty of hearing no noise. It allows me to process my thoughts slowly and remind myself to do things one thing at a time, rather than having a million and one thoughts whizzing around my head all of the time.

I love just being home alone and being able to breathe. Sometimes I feel suffocated if I can hear other people or I can't just roam freely around the house in my PJs and not bump into someone. That probably makes me sound like a grumpy anti-social weirdo, but I just need everything around me to feel empty, to make my mind coherently feel empty too.

I just think there's so much beauty in silence. It makes me feel calm and like I can breathe. It allows me to just feel what I'm actually feeling and not have that 'cloudy mind' feeling that I often have. It's exactly the one thing that I really needed after such a busy time over January and February - I just needed a bit of silence.




I often forget that, after a while, being busy is bound to take it's toll on my mental health. I forget that I still find it difficult to get on with life, and 'busy-ness', as easily as everyone else does. A lot of things still bring me Anxiety and I deal with everything else like my OCD on a day-to-day basis too. So, as well as always being super busy with work, I'm also constantly trying to keep myself sane - it's like I'm doing double the work that I think I'm doing. (No bloody wonder I'm so tired). 

I think if you reach a point where you're crying because you're exhausted and you feel like you just can't process anything (which is the point that I got to), then I think it's time to take a step back. I think it's important to remember that work really can take it's toll on your mental state and that we need to look after ourselves. It's nice to just sit in silence and let yourself think calmly and slowly, rather than feeling manically stressed 24/7.


BAG - MATALAN

"If the ocean can calm itself, so can you. We are both salt water mixed with air"

So if, like me, you've hit that March 'plateau' after the 'New Year' high, then maybe it's time to take a little break. Remember that there's no point completely wearing yourself out from work. Remember that without motivation, energy and passion, the work you do or content that you create, isn't going to be as good as it could be with a focused and calm mind to create it in the first place.

It's okay to have a break. It's okay to sleep in or stay in bed all day. It's okay to watch Netflix for 8 hours straight or not even have a shower. It's okay to leave your emails for today and deal with them another time. It's okay to react to how you're feeling and not let yourself suffer and stress out from exhaustion. Everyone needs some time to just be in silence and be calm.

Shop this look here:




So, this week was Eating Disorder Awareness Week and, honestly, I've not really known what to say. I've felt like I've had some obligation to post something and say my piece, but I've had a really odd week and I don't feel like I've been able to put anything into words. 

It's weird, any other week/day of the month, I'm sat here spilling my life story to you, but when it comes to an actual week that's dedicated to spreading awareness about a topic that I'm so passionate about, I almost feel silenced. I feel like my story doesn't deserve to be told or can't compare or 'compete' with other peoples. It's that horrible voice that screams "you were never ill enough" or "you never weighed that much" and it just makes me think that I don't really deserve to say my piece. However, fighting through that voice, I know that I do. I know that I suffered and still do suffer, I know that the weight that I was doesn't define my illness and I know that everyone's story is unique and worthy of telling. And, yeah, despite not really knowing what I actually want to say in this post, I'm going to go ahead and write something anyway.





So, like I said, this week has been weird for me. For the first time in a while, I'm just feeling quite numb, down and unmotivated, which actually feels unusual for once. Maybe it's because these first two months of the year have been so busy and amazing, that now that things have quietened down a bit, I just feel a little 'lost'? I don't know. Basically, nonetheless, I'm not feeling that up to tackling my demons as I usually might be.

I've mentioned quite a few times recently, that I've been dealing with terrible body dysmorphia, and yep, I still am. It's well and truly trying to tear me down, bit by bit. I deal with it a lot, but not for this much of a prolonged period usually. It usually comes in waves, which are easy to bat off, but this time it's come like a big black cloud that's hanging over me and won't leave. Don't worry though, it's not winning (and, I won't let it), I've fought through it pretty impressively so far, but, honestly, I wouldn't say that it's losing either. Maybe that's why I feel weird? Again, I don't know, but what I do know is that, it's reminded me of how far I've come, but also how far I've still got to go.




TOP - MONKI // TROUSERS - NEW LOOK

I'm in a really good place right now, and yes, that might sound ridiculous considering I just said I was dealing with the Body Dysmorphia from hell, but if you want to figure out my thought process on that, then I'd recommend reading my last post 'Can You Be Happy And Sad At The Same Time?' because that will explain it. My life, on a whole, is at an all time high and it's been fabulous. In fact, I'm probably at the best place I've been in my entire 'teenage/young adult' life. I've learnt so much over the past few years: I've learnt about my brain, the way that it works, why it thinks the things it does, how to deal with things, how to help others, what to say, what not to say, etc etc, and it makes me feel so proud of myself. I'm so glad that I've been able to learn positively from something that caused me so much pain, but, at the same time, I think that it has almost convinced me that, because I know about things like irrational thoughts, how to deal with eating in public or the fact that I see a warped version of myself because of my mental health, that I'm no longer allowed to struggle. I've begun to feel guilty, not because of the presence of bad thoughts, but from the lack of positive ones. I feel bad if I'm not constantly upbeat and positive, yet, it's not like I actually believe that I'm some happy go lucky person. I know that I am still dealing with a lot of stuff, but maybe I've convinced a part of myself otherwise?

It dawned on me when, after getting my Mum to shoot these photos for me on a whim, I began flicking through them and saying "Ew, I look awful" and "Omg, why do I look like that?!" and she replied "Oh Holly, you're far too critical of yourself"; I didn't then reply with "Yeah, you're right Mum, I'm just being irrational", I actually just continued to say "Urgh, and why did I wear these trousers? My thighs look huge!"... It was then that I realised that I'm actually still a long way from being 'cured', 'recovered' or whatever you want to call it. 



I've never actually called myself 'recovered', because I've never really 100% thought that I am. And, I'll be honest, I'm not sure I ever 100% will be. I think there's always going to be that part of me that just has an inkling of guilt or gets triggered (which I am just about to talk about), but, considering how well I often dealing with things, I'm a pretty good portion of the way there. 

However, one thing that I don't often mention, is how easily triggered I am by things. I'm triggered by the food that people order at a restaurant, things people say about food, the way people present their food, the way people look at me, the way people talk to me, the sounds people make, pictures, videos - the list goes on and on and on. I try to hide it, but I know that it's there, niggling away at me. But yet, at the same time, I can push past it and tell myself 'you do you' and get on with my day... but it totally doesn't mean that the thoughts aren't there in the first place. 

The thoughts are there, but then so are the skills to push past them - it just depends which are in the forefront of my mind at that moment. Luckily most of the time its the skills that win, but when I'm feeling as 'weird' as I do this week, its a struggle to not believe what my irrational thoughts want me to. My brain could be telling me that I'm being irrational, but the thought that "I've put on sooo much weight" will still be the thing I fixate on all day long. My mind will still look at other girls and compare myself to them, even if I can tell myself "but you're you, you're unique", it doesn't matter. My thoughts will be filled with guilt surrounding food despite knowing that "everyone else is allowed to eat, so why aren't I?" Sometimes, the bad thoughts just win.



What I'm trying to get at is, that no matter how skilled and experienced we are in dealing with stuff, when you're actually 'in it', when you're in that mindset where everything has lost all meaning and the voices are winning, it can be really really hard. When I'm sat across from someone who's taking about how there's "X calories in this drink" and "Y calories in that food", it's still often hard for me to then think, "well, I'm still really looking forward to drinking cocktails and eating an entire pizza to myself", because most likely, I'm not. As soon as something triggers that one little thing in your brain, that manages to override your rationality, it's like all of the skills you've learnt begin to vanish. 

So yeah, overall I might be in the best place I've been in the past 10 years, but that's not to say that this is the best it's ever going to be. I've learnt a lot, but I've still got so much more to learn and that little bit further to go, and maybe in another 10 years time, I might not actually have to deal with being constantly triggered or any irrational thoughts anymore, I might be the happiest I've ever been EVER. That would be pretty cool. For now though, at least I'm on my journey there. And, even at times like this where I'm feeling 'weird' or 'lost', I still feel strong and able and determined, and that's good.



LIPS - SMASHBOX // EARRINGS - VINTAGE

I'm not really too sure what this post is to be honest, and I think it's ended up being incredibly similar to my last one, but nonetheless... here we go. I don't really want this to be negative post, I want to celebrate my recovery and how far I've come, because I have come a bloody long way and I'm proud. But, at the same time, I'm not going to try and pretend that everything is hunky dory, because it's not. Still, I never thought there'd be days where I'd be off eating cheesecake in London, or going for drinks with friends or my Mum and I'd never thought I'd look at myself and have to the ability to be positive, but there are and there will be many more!

Additionally, I also want to leave you with some tips and thoughts on the topic of Eating Disorders, especially after mentioning how easily triggered I am (I might do a separate post on this, let me know if you'd like to see that). I think it's often a misconception that once someone's at a 'healthy weight', that the eating disorders just disappear, but, in reality, the actual misconception is that weight has anything to do with it in the first place. A fluctuation in weight is a symptom of eating disorders, not a definition. It's wrong to assume that you know who has an eating disorder, and who doesn't, based off a person's BMI - anyone can have one. This means, like with me, it's possible that the language that you are using, is triggering someone without you even realising it. That's why its so important to think about the language you use surrounding the topic of food/portion size/weight etc etc. because it's things like that that can be so damaging (I know that I personally find it to take a toll of my mental health). It's also important to remember that sharing calorie information, or even just talking about 'how often you go to the gym' can trigger irrational thoughts and be incredibly damaging to progress too. It's a list of small things that most people wouldn't even think about in their everyday lives, but to someone who is going through or has been through dealing with a bad relationship with food, these are a pretty big deal.


"She's already had everything she needs within herself. It's the world that convinced her she did not."

Anyway, I hope that if you've read this far, that I've not bored you to death and that those tips/thoughts were slightly helpful. I'm going to leave some links to some websites below, that also have lots of information on the topic, so those are there to help too. Let me know down in the comments whether you've done anything for Eating Disorder Awareness Week this week, or whether, like me, you've not really been having the best time, or alternatively, whether you're having a fab fab week - I just love to hear from you all and how you're all doing!

Helpful Links:
B-EAT - Eating Disorder charity
MIND - Mental Health charity
SEED - Eating Disorder helpline

Shop this outfit:

Eating Disorder Awareness Week



So, this week was Eating Disorder Awareness Week and, honestly, I've not really known what to say. I've felt like I've had some obligation to post something and say my piece, but I've had a really odd week and I don't feel like I've been able to put anything into words. 

It's weird, any other week/day of the month, I'm sat here spilling my life story to you, but when it comes to an actual week that's dedicated to spreading awareness about a topic that I'm so passionate about, I almost feel silenced. I feel like my story doesn't deserve to be told or can't compare or 'compete' with other peoples. It's that horrible voice that screams "you were never ill enough" or "you never weighed that much" and it just makes me think that I don't really deserve to say my piece. However, fighting through that voice, I know that I do. I know that I suffered and still do suffer, I know that the weight that I was doesn't define my illness and I know that everyone's story is unique and worthy of telling. And, yeah, despite not really knowing what I actually want to say in this post, I'm going to go ahead and write something anyway.





So, like I said, this week has been weird for me. For the first time in a while, I'm just feeling quite numb, down and unmotivated, which actually feels unusual for once. Maybe it's because these first two months of the year have been so busy and amazing, that now that things have quietened down a bit, I just feel a little 'lost'? I don't know. Basically, nonetheless, I'm not feeling that up to tackling my demons as I usually might be.

I've mentioned quite a few times recently, that I've been dealing with terrible body dysmorphia, and yep, I still am. It's well and truly trying to tear me down, bit by bit. I deal with it a lot, but not for this much of a prolonged period usually. It usually comes in waves, which are easy to bat off, but this time it's come like a big black cloud that's hanging over me and won't leave. Don't worry though, it's not winning (and, I won't let it), I've fought through it pretty impressively so far, but, honestly, I wouldn't say that it's losing either. Maybe that's why I feel weird? Again, I don't know, but what I do know is that, it's reminded me of how far I've come, but also how far I've still got to go.




TOP - MONKI // TROUSERS - NEW LOOK

I'm in a really good place right now, and yes, that might sound ridiculous considering I just said I was dealing with the Body Dysmorphia from hell, but if you want to figure out my thought process on that, then I'd recommend reading my last post 'Can You Be Happy And Sad At The Same Time?' because that will explain it. My life, on a whole, is at an all time high and it's been fabulous. In fact, I'm probably at the best place I've been in my entire 'teenage/young adult' life. I've learnt so much over the past few years: I've learnt about my brain, the way that it works, why it thinks the things it does, how to deal with things, how to help others, what to say, what not to say, etc etc, and it makes me feel so proud of myself. I'm so glad that I've been able to learn positively from something that caused me so much pain, but, at the same time, I think that it has almost convinced me that, because I know about things like irrational thoughts, how to deal with eating in public or the fact that I see a warped version of myself because of my mental health, that I'm no longer allowed to struggle. I've begun to feel guilty, not because of the presence of bad thoughts, but from the lack of positive ones. I feel bad if I'm not constantly upbeat and positive, yet, it's not like I actually believe that I'm some happy go lucky person. I know that I am still dealing with a lot of stuff, but maybe I've convinced a part of myself otherwise?

It dawned on me when, after getting my Mum to shoot these photos for me on a whim, I began flicking through them and saying "Ew, I look awful" and "Omg, why do I look like that?!" and she replied "Oh Holly, you're far too critical of yourself"; I didn't then reply with "Yeah, you're right Mum, I'm just being irrational", I actually just continued to say "Urgh, and why did I wear these trousers? My thighs look huge!"... It was then that I realised that I'm actually still a long way from being 'cured', 'recovered' or whatever you want to call it. 



I've never actually called myself 'recovered', because I've never really 100% thought that I am. And, I'll be honest, I'm not sure I ever 100% will be. I think there's always going to be that part of me that just has an inkling of guilt or gets triggered (which I am just about to talk about), but, considering how well I often dealing with things, I'm a pretty good portion of the way there. 

However, one thing that I don't often mention, is how easily triggered I am by things. I'm triggered by the food that people order at a restaurant, things people say about food, the way people present their food, the way people look at me, the way people talk to me, the sounds people make, pictures, videos - the list goes on and on and on. I try to hide it, but I know that it's there, niggling away at me. But yet, at the same time, I can push past it and tell myself 'you do you' and get on with my day... but it totally doesn't mean that the thoughts aren't there in the first place. 

The thoughts are there, but then so are the skills to push past them - it just depends which are in the forefront of my mind at that moment. Luckily most of the time its the skills that win, but when I'm feeling as 'weird' as I do this week, its a struggle to not believe what my irrational thoughts want me to. My brain could be telling me that I'm being irrational, but the thought that "I've put on sooo much weight" will still be the thing I fixate on all day long. My mind will still look at other girls and compare myself to them, even if I can tell myself "but you're you, you're unique", it doesn't matter. My thoughts will be filled with guilt surrounding food despite knowing that "everyone else is allowed to eat, so why aren't I?" Sometimes, the bad thoughts just win.



What I'm trying to get at is, that no matter how skilled and experienced we are in dealing with stuff, when you're actually 'in it', when you're in that mindset where everything has lost all meaning and the voices are winning, it can be really really hard. When I'm sat across from someone who's taking about how there's "X calories in this drink" and "Y calories in that food", it's still often hard for me to then think, "well, I'm still really looking forward to drinking cocktails and eating an entire pizza to myself", because most likely, I'm not. As soon as something triggers that one little thing in your brain, that manages to override your rationality, it's like all of the skills you've learnt begin to vanish. 

So yeah, overall I might be in the best place I've been in the past 10 years, but that's not to say that this is the best it's ever going to be. I've learnt a lot, but I've still got so much more to learn and that little bit further to go, and maybe in another 10 years time, I might not actually have to deal with being constantly triggered or any irrational thoughts anymore, I might be the happiest I've ever been EVER. That would be pretty cool. For now though, at least I'm on my journey there. And, even at times like this where I'm feeling 'weird' or 'lost', I still feel strong and able and determined, and that's good.



LIPS - SMASHBOX // EARRINGS - VINTAGE

I'm not really too sure what this post is to be honest, and I think it's ended up being incredibly similar to my last one, but nonetheless... here we go. I don't really want this to be negative post, I want to celebrate my recovery and how far I've come, because I have come a bloody long way and I'm proud. But, at the same time, I'm not going to try and pretend that everything is hunky dory, because it's not. Still, I never thought there'd be days where I'd be off eating cheesecake in London, or going for drinks with friends or my Mum and I'd never thought I'd look at myself and have to the ability to be positive, but there are and there will be many more!

Additionally, I also want to leave you with some tips and thoughts on the topic of Eating Disorders, especially after mentioning how easily triggered I am (I might do a separate post on this, let me know if you'd like to see that). I think it's often a misconception that once someone's at a 'healthy weight', that the eating disorders just disappear, but, in reality, the actual misconception is that weight has anything to do with it in the first place. A fluctuation in weight is a symptom of eating disorders, not a definition. It's wrong to assume that you know who has an eating disorder, and who doesn't, based off a person's BMI - anyone can have one. This means, like with me, it's possible that the language that you are using, is triggering someone without you even realising it. That's why its so important to think about the language you use surrounding the topic of food/portion size/weight etc etc. because it's things like that that can be so damaging (I know that I personally find it to take a toll of my mental health). It's also important to remember that sharing calorie information, or even just talking about 'how often you go to the gym' can trigger irrational thoughts and be incredibly damaging to progress too. It's a list of small things that most people wouldn't even think about in their everyday lives, but to someone who is going through or has been through dealing with a bad relationship with food, these are a pretty big deal.


"She's already had everything she needs within herself. It's the world that convinced her she did not."

Anyway, I hope that if you've read this far, that I've not bored you to death and that those tips/thoughts were slightly helpful. I'm going to leave some links to some websites below, that also have lots of information on the topic, so those are there to help too. Let me know down in the comments whether you've done anything for Eating Disorder Awareness Week this week, or whether, like me, you've not really been having the best time, or alternatively, whether you're having a fab fab week - I just love to hear from you all and how you're all doing!

Helpful Links:
B-EAT - Eating Disorder charity
MIND - Mental Health charity
SEED - Eating Disorder helpline

Shop this outfit:

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