Today I feel so at ease. After weeks and weeks of emotional crying, confusion, and just down right depressing days, today I am starting to feel content.

You see, so much has changed for me over the course of this year and, as the total 'control-freak' that I am, I don't deal well with change.






My life just seemed to take off at full speed when we hit about March time, and I sooo wasn't ready for it.

But, you see, the thing is, I pretended that I was: I pretended that I was ready to handle all of this 'newness' and that the change didn't scare me.

Deep down however, the change scared the shit out of me, but I just simply suppressed that fear until it came pouring out of me, drowned me, and pushed me right under, a few weeks ago.

"I'm so brutally hard with myself and so unquestionably soft with everyone else." 





You may have noticed that I haven't been my normal self as of late. Maybe it's the emotional YouTube video of me crying? Or maybe it's the whiny blog posts? Who knows? But, whatever it is, you probably got the hint that I haven't felt okay.

After all, a lot of old feelings had come creeping back into my life. I began to feel depressed, anxious, panicky and, at some points, completely suicidal. I began to binge eat, restrict, starve and do stupid things that have messed with my head wayyyy too much (and this being the head that, for the first time in a long time, had started to feel okay about food too). 

But weirdly, I'm glad that these old feelings did come back.

In the entire duration of my recovery, I've never had a total relapse, and think this little one finally woke me up from this 'safe' life I'd been living.

Don't get me wrong, the past couple of years, as I've recovered from Anorexia, have been really good. I've become a model, started my own career through my blog, and got to meet lots of lovely people along the way. But, it only recently hit me, I still haven't really been 'living'. I haven't allowed myself to actually be 'free' or 'let go', and that's what I've had to come to terms with now.






Over the past few years, despite being a healthy-ish weight and eating a healthy amount of food, I still hadn't really gotten over my controlled eating habits or the way I viewed food. I still basically ate the same food, same amount of calories and controlled that kind of thing, every single day. I'd pick what ever was 'lowest in calories' on a menu if I went out and, to be honest, I'd barely go out and socialize anyway. I'd sit at home, working and working (creating what I've achieved today, so don't get me wrong, it wasn't a waste of time) and hiding away, saying no to a lot of nights out and opportunities to see friends.

I really was happy living that way, because I was in control, but I wasn't actually 'happy'.

I had just convinced myself that that was the happiest I could be, or that it was the only way I could live and be happy.






I realise now what it's like to live life and enjoy it.

I said to someone recently that, I don't feel like I've lived my teenage years and that I'm only starting to get to live them right now. I had spent my life, from the ages of 14-18, starving myself, hating myself and then just becoming a complete and utter workaholic. I'd not been taking spontaneous trips to McDonald's, getting tipsy on week nights or having sleepovers with friends. I'd not been allowing myself to do things, simply because of the fear of certain foods, or the fact that something would upset my routine, and that's just been ridiculous.

It's the fear of weight gain and the fear of not being able to accept myself, if I'm not as 'skinny' as I'd like to be, that has stopped me from enjoying my life for so so long. It's the fear of how food makes me feel, or what food has the ability to do to me, that has stopped me from eating things I love or spending quality time with friends and family for the past 4 years.

I don't want that to control my life anymore.





You must understand, I'm not saying that I want to become someone who spends every single day scoffing all of their favourite foods, because if that was the case, I'd be living off of pizza and chocolate 24/7, but what I am saying is that, I'm looking to live with balance. I don't want to not allow myself to enjoy things/foods that I like.

I want to be able to go out and drink, and eat and laugh, and have fun. I want to be able to look at myself, as a slightly bigger size, with a more curvier look, and think 'right, this is me and I'm okay with that'. 

Sure, I've thrown out some of my jeans, and bought myself some new underwear, because my arse and boobs have suddenly reappeared after being non existent for 2 years or so, and that felt incredibly weird to do, but it's almost like a 'Sayonara' to the old, restrictive, controlling, 'Me' and a 'Hello' to the more free living and content 'Me'









PHOTOGRAPHY BY HANNAH KIRKLAND

"Knowing mirrors may never change, but the way my eyes look into them do. Today I see someone who is real and that - that could never be ugly."

I've come to realise, that if I want to stay a super tiny size 6 for the rest of my life, I'm not going to allow myself to live happily. I'm not going to allow myself to see friends, be in a relationship, or do things that make me happy.

That'd all be the for the sake of looking a certain way, and that's silly.

So, 'Hello' to the new 'Me'.

She's slightly curvier and she can't sometimes fit her bum in a size 6 pair of jeans. She likes to drink, eat pizza and burgers, and spend time with her friends. She still loves her work, but has realised that sometimes 'time off' is okay, especially when you've got shit to be dealing with. And, best of all, she's happy and accepting of herself, or at least learning how to be.

She is content.

Shop the look:



Self Acceptance: I Can't Be The 'Old' Me Anymore


Today I feel so at ease. After weeks and weeks of emotional crying, confusion, and just down right depressing days, today I am starting to feel content.

You see, so much has changed for me over the course of this year and, as the total 'control-freak' that I am, I don't deal well with change.






My life just seemed to take off at full speed when we hit about March time, and I sooo wasn't ready for it.

But, you see, the thing is, I pretended that I was: I pretended that I was ready to handle all of this 'newness' and that the change didn't scare me.

Deep down however, the change scared the shit out of me, but I just simply suppressed that fear until it came pouring out of me, drowned me, and pushed me right under, a few weeks ago.

"I'm so brutally hard with myself and so unquestionably soft with everyone else." 





You may have noticed that I haven't been my normal self as of late. Maybe it's the emotional YouTube video of me crying? Or maybe it's the whiny blog posts? Who knows? But, whatever it is, you probably got the hint that I haven't felt okay.

After all, a lot of old feelings had come creeping back into my life. I began to feel depressed, anxious, panicky and, at some points, completely suicidal. I began to binge eat, restrict, starve and do stupid things that have messed with my head wayyyy too much (and this being the head that, for the first time in a long time, had started to feel okay about food too). 

But weirdly, I'm glad that these old feelings did come back.

In the entire duration of my recovery, I've never had a total relapse, and think this little one finally woke me up from this 'safe' life I'd been living.

Don't get me wrong, the past couple of years, as I've recovered from Anorexia, have been really good. I've become a model, started my own career through my blog, and got to meet lots of lovely people along the way. But, it only recently hit me, I still haven't really been 'living'. I haven't allowed myself to actually be 'free' or 'let go', and that's what I've had to come to terms with now.






Over the past few years, despite being a healthy-ish weight and eating a healthy amount of food, I still hadn't really gotten over my controlled eating habits or the way I viewed food. I still basically ate the same food, same amount of calories and controlled that kind of thing, every single day. I'd pick what ever was 'lowest in calories' on a menu if I went out and, to be honest, I'd barely go out and socialize anyway. I'd sit at home, working and working (creating what I've achieved today, so don't get me wrong, it wasn't a waste of time) and hiding away, saying no to a lot of nights out and opportunities to see friends.

I really was happy living that way, because I was in control, but I wasn't actually 'happy'.

I had just convinced myself that that was the happiest I could be, or that it was the only way I could live and be happy.






I realise now what it's like to live life and enjoy it.

I said to someone recently that, I don't feel like I've lived my teenage years and that I'm only starting to get to live them right now. I had spent my life, from the ages of 14-18, starving myself, hating myself and then just becoming a complete and utter workaholic. I'd not been taking spontaneous trips to McDonald's, getting tipsy on week nights or having sleepovers with friends. I'd not been allowing myself to do things, simply because of the fear of certain foods, or the fact that something would upset my routine, and that's just been ridiculous.

It's the fear of weight gain and the fear of not being able to accept myself, if I'm not as 'skinny' as I'd like to be, that has stopped me from enjoying my life for so so long. It's the fear of how food makes me feel, or what food has the ability to do to me, that has stopped me from eating things I love or spending quality time with friends and family for the past 4 years.

I don't want that to control my life anymore.





You must understand, I'm not saying that I want to become someone who spends every single day scoffing all of their favourite foods, because if that was the case, I'd be living off of pizza and chocolate 24/7, but what I am saying is that, I'm looking to live with balance. I don't want to not allow myself to enjoy things/foods that I like.

I want to be able to go out and drink, and eat and laugh, and have fun. I want to be able to look at myself, as a slightly bigger size, with a more curvier look, and think 'right, this is me and I'm okay with that'. 

Sure, I've thrown out some of my jeans, and bought myself some new underwear, because my arse and boobs have suddenly reappeared after being non existent for 2 years or so, and that felt incredibly weird to do, but it's almost like a 'Sayonara' to the old, restrictive, controlling, 'Me' and a 'Hello' to the more free living and content 'Me'









PHOTOGRAPHY BY HANNAH KIRKLAND

"Knowing mirrors may never change, but the way my eyes look into them do. Today I see someone who is real and that - that could never be ugly."

I've come to realise, that if I want to stay a super tiny size 6 for the rest of my life, I'm not going to allow myself to live happily. I'm not going to allow myself to see friends, be in a relationship, or do things that make me happy.

That'd all be the for the sake of looking a certain way, and that's silly.

So, 'Hello' to the new 'Me'.

She's slightly curvier and she can't sometimes fit her bum in a size 6 pair of jeans. She likes to drink, eat pizza and burgers, and spend time with her friends. She still loves her work, but has realised that sometimes 'time off' is okay, especially when you've got shit to be dealing with. And, best of all, she's happy and accepting of herself, or at least learning how to be.

She is content.

Shop the look:





Peep Show, The Big Bang Theory and Don't Trust The B---- In Apt. 23

Three series I have totally binged on over the past couple weeks are Peep Show, The Big Bang Theory and Don't Trust The B---- in Apt. 23.

Peep Show is just totally hilarious and easy to watch. It's been great on those days where I've just needed something on in the background whilst I reply to emails or simply just need to chill out for 10 minutes. The characters are played by two of my favourite actors/comedians, David Mitchell and Robert Webb, and I'll be honest, I haven't stopped sharing Peep Show memes since!

Then, The Big Bang Theory! This is a series I was already up to date with, but Season 10 just got released on Netflix and I got through it all within 2 days... ooops! It's totally binge worthy and again, such a chilled out and easy thing to watch.

Don't Trust The B---- In Apt. 23 is the latest series I've been watching. It stars Krysten Ritter, who I just completely adore, and she plays the ever so sassy Chloe. It's just fun, girly and had been on my 'Watch List' for sooooo long, it was about time I finally watched it haha!





Instagram Engagement 

Now, I'm hoping I don't jinx things here, but I've been so so happy with my Instagram engagement lately. The amount of lovely comments and likes I'm receiving from you guys is totally amazing and sometimes I'm in shock when a couple of my posts have hit over 1,000 likes or even end up on the Explore page - that's not happened at all really since the algorithm kicked in, so, eeeek!

It's really nice to see my content being enjoyed!





Coffees And Catch Ups With Friends

Over the past couple of weeks, I've met up with my lovely friends and it's been just what I've needed.

I saw Annie whilst down in London for a casting and met up with Han for a good ol' chinwag and to shoot some blog photos too whilst in Manchester. I then went for a good ol' Nandos with my angel, Henry (who Kindly took these snaps for me) and even went out for a drink or two at Jimmy's with Han last night too!

All occasions were totally lovely - couldn't have asked for lovelier days!

I'm a bit of a hermit you see, so tend to hide myself away, especially when I'm feeling down in the dumps, but meeting up with these fabulous beans has totally cheered me up. ♥


Things To Be Happy About #2



Peep Show, The Big Bang Theory and Don't Trust The B---- In Apt. 23

Three series I have totally binged on over the past couple weeks are Peep Show, The Big Bang Theory and Don't Trust The B---- in Apt. 23.

Peep Show is just totally hilarious and easy to watch. It's been great on those days where I've just needed something on in the background whilst I reply to emails or simply just need to chill out for 10 minutes. The characters are played by two of my favourite actors/comedians, David Mitchell and Robert Webb, and I'll be honest, I haven't stopped sharing Peep Show memes since!

Then, The Big Bang Theory! This is a series I was already up to date with, but Season 10 just got released on Netflix and I got through it all within 2 days... ooops! It's totally binge worthy and again, such a chilled out and easy thing to watch.

Don't Trust The B---- In Apt. 23 is the latest series I've been watching. It stars Krysten Ritter, who I just completely adore, and she plays the ever so sassy Chloe. It's just fun, girly and had been on my 'Watch List' for sooooo long, it was about time I finally watched it haha!





Instagram Engagement 

Now, I'm hoping I don't jinx things here, but I've been so so happy with my Instagram engagement lately. The amount of lovely comments and likes I'm receiving from you guys is totally amazing and sometimes I'm in shock when a couple of my posts have hit over 1,000 likes or even end up on the Explore page - that's not happened at all really since the algorithm kicked in, so, eeeek!

It's really nice to see my content being enjoyed!





Coffees And Catch Ups With Friends

Over the past couple of weeks, I've met up with my lovely friends and it's been just what I've needed.

I saw Annie whilst down in London for a casting and met up with Han for a good ol' chinwag and to shoot some blog photos too whilst in Manchester. I then went for a good ol' Nandos with my angel, Henry (who Kindly took these snaps for me) and even went out for a drink or two at Jimmy's with Han last night too!

All occasions were totally lovely - couldn't have asked for lovelier days!

I'm a bit of a hermit you see, so tend to hide myself away, especially when I'm feeling down in the dumps, but meeting up with these fabulous beans has totally cheered me up. ♥



With Halloween coming up, the idea of different characters and different costumes has been playing on my mind.

What am I going as this year? Something scary? Something sexy? Something from a nostalgic film? 

These questions, and the idea of putting on a costume, pretending to be something else, has got me thinking. How come everyday can almost be like Halloween for me? How come sometimes even in my own clothes, my own outfits, I feel like I'm playing a character? 








Sometimes I wake up and I have to make that decision of, 'who am I going to be today?'

Sometimes I wake up, numb to reality, and I have to come up with some sort of fictional person, a 'persona' of sorts, that I just continue to replay and replay to people.

Who am I today? 

Am I happy? Am I sad? 

Do I like to dress in colour? Do I like to dress in monochrome? 

What food do I like? What food do I hate? Can I deal with food?

How do I wear my hair? Up or Down?

How much make up do I like? A little or a lot?

It's an endless sea of questions.








The thing is, I don't know who I am, and I often wonder, does anyone know who they are?

I don't think, (right now anyway), I can pin point a lot of things about myself - I'm in an emotional and mental limbo with it all.

Some days I wake up and I'm 'happy Hol' and other days I'm 'sad Hol'. Some days I wake up and I drench myself in brightly coloured clothes and other days I dress in black, head-to-toe. Some days my relationship with food is fine, other days it's not. Some days I'll curl my hair all pretty and stylish, other days it's stuck up in a bun and hasn't been washed for 3 days.

Each day is new, and some of those days are harder than others - especially when all these different 'characters' have to mix themselves into one. E.g. When 'sad Hol' has to walk round pretending she's 'happy Hol', that's where it starts to feel difficult and I can't differentiate between things anymore.







"Out of all the people I miss right now, I miss myself the most."

For the most part though, I don't mind pretending that I've got my shit together. I believe in 'faking it till you make it', and, well, if I have to fake it 99% of the time to make it, then so bloody be it.

I'm just hoping that soon, or at least one day, I wake up and it won't feel like everyday is Halloween - it won't feel like I'm playing a different character each day, and I'll just feel like 'Me'.

I suppose it's exciting to try and wake up everyday and try out a new way of being. Maybe it's all trial and error? 

If I don't like the costume I've picked this Halloween, there's always next year.

Play The Character


With Halloween coming up, the idea of different characters and different costumes has been playing on my mind.

What am I going as this year? Something scary? Something sexy? Something from a nostalgic film? 

These questions, and the idea of putting on a costume, pretending to be something else, has got me thinking. How come everyday can almost be like Halloween for me? How come sometimes even in my own clothes, my own outfits, I feel like I'm playing a character? 








Sometimes I wake up and I have to make that decision of, 'who am I going to be today?'

Sometimes I wake up, numb to reality, and I have to come up with some sort of fictional person, a 'persona' of sorts, that I just continue to replay and replay to people.

Who am I today? 

Am I happy? Am I sad? 

Do I like to dress in colour? Do I like to dress in monochrome? 

What food do I like? What food do I hate? Can I deal with food?

How do I wear my hair? Up or Down?

How much make up do I like? A little or a lot?

It's an endless sea of questions.








The thing is, I don't know who I am, and I often wonder, does anyone know who they are?

I don't think, (right now anyway), I can pin point a lot of things about myself - I'm in an emotional and mental limbo with it all.

Some days I wake up and I'm 'happy Hol' and other days I'm 'sad Hol'. Some days I wake up and I drench myself in brightly coloured clothes and other days I dress in black, head-to-toe. Some days my relationship with food is fine, other days it's not. Some days I'll curl my hair all pretty and stylish, other days it's stuck up in a bun and hasn't been washed for 3 days.

Each day is new, and some of those days are harder than others - especially when all these different 'characters' have to mix themselves into one. E.g. When 'sad Hol' has to walk round pretending she's 'happy Hol', that's where it starts to feel difficult and I can't differentiate between things anymore.







"Out of all the people I miss right now, I miss myself the most."

For the most part though, I don't mind pretending that I've got my shit together. I believe in 'faking it till you make it', and, well, if I have to fake it 99% of the time to make it, then so bloody be it.

I'm just hoping that soon, or at least one day, I wake up and it won't feel like everyday is Halloween - it won't feel like I'm playing a different character each day, and I'll just feel like 'Me'.

I suppose it's exciting to try and wake up everyday and try out a new way of being. Maybe it's all trial and error? 

If I don't like the costume I've picked this Halloween, there's always next year.

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