Today I feel so at ease. After weeks and weeks of emotional crying, confusion, and just down right depressing days, today I am starting to feel content.

You see, so much has changed for me over the course of this year and, as the total 'control-freak' that I am, I don't deal well with change.






My life just seemed to take off at full speed when we hit about March time, and I sooo wasn't ready for it.

But, you see, the thing is, I pretended that I was: I pretended that I was ready to handle all of this 'newness' and that the change didn't scare me.

Deep down however, the change scared the shit out of me, but I just simply suppressed that fear until it came pouring out of me, drowned me, and pushed me right under, a few weeks ago.

"I'm so brutally hard with myself and so unquestionably soft with everyone else." 





You may have noticed that I haven't been my normal self as of late. Maybe it's the emotional YouTube video of me crying? Or maybe it's the whiny blog posts? Who knows? But, whatever it is, you probably got the hint that I haven't felt okay.

After all, a lot of old feelings had come creeping back into my life. I began to feel depressed, anxious, panicky and, at some points, completely suicidal. I began to binge eat, restrict, starve and do stupid things that have messed with my head wayyyy too much (and this being the head that, for the first time in a long time, had started to feel okay about food too). 

But weirdly, I'm glad that these old feelings did come back.

In the entire duration of my recovery, I've never had a total relapse, and think this little one finally woke me up from this 'safe' life I'd been living.

Don't get me wrong, the past couple of years, as I've recovered from Anorexia, have been really good. I've become a model, started my own career through my blog, and got to meet lots of lovely people along the way. But, it only recently hit me, I still haven't really been 'living'. I haven't allowed myself to actually be 'free' or 'let go', and that's what I've had to come to terms with now.






Over the past few years, despite being a healthy-ish weight and eating a healthy amount of food, I still hadn't really gotten over my controlled eating habits or the way I viewed food. I still basically ate the same food, same amount of calories and controlled that kind of thing, every single day. I'd pick what ever was 'lowest in calories' on a menu if I went out and, to be honest, I'd barely go out and socialize anyway. I'd sit at home, working and working (creating what I've achieved today, so don't get me wrong, it wasn't a waste of time) and hiding away, saying no to a lot of nights out and opportunities to see friends.

I really was happy living that way, because I was in control, but I wasn't actually 'happy'.

I had just convinced myself that that was the happiest I could be, or that it was the only way I could live and be happy.






I realise now what it's like to live life and enjoy it.

I said to someone recently that, I don't feel like I've lived my teenage years and that I'm only starting to get to live them right now. I had spent my life, from the ages of 14-18, starving myself, hating myself and then just becoming a complete and utter workaholic. I'd not been taking spontaneous trips to McDonald's, getting tipsy on week nights or having sleepovers with friends. I'd not been allowing myself to do things, simply because of the fear of certain foods, or the fact that something would upset my routine, and that's just been ridiculous.

It's the fear of weight gain and the fear of not being able to accept myself, if I'm not as 'skinny' as I'd like to be, that has stopped me from enjoying my life for so so long. It's the fear of how food makes me feel, or what food has the ability to do to me, that has stopped me from eating things I love or spending quality time with friends and family for the past 4 years.

I don't want that to control my life anymore.





You must understand, I'm not saying that I want to become someone who spends every single day scoffing all of their favourite foods, because if that was the case, I'd be living off of pizza and chocolate 24/7, but what I am saying is that, I'm looking to live with balance. I don't want to not allow myself to enjoy things/foods that I like.

I want to be able to go out and drink, and eat and laugh, and have fun. I want to be able to look at myself, as a slightly bigger size, with a more curvier look, and think 'right, this is me and I'm okay with that'. 

Sure, I've thrown out some of my jeans, and bought myself some new underwear, because my arse and boobs have suddenly reappeared after being non existent for 2 years or so, and that felt incredibly weird to do, but it's almost like a 'Sayonara' to the old, restrictive, controlling, 'Me' and a 'Hello' to the more free living and content 'Me'









PHOTOGRAPHY BY HANNAH KIRKLAND

"Knowing mirrors may never change, but the way my eyes look into them do. Today I see someone who is real and that - that could never be ugly."

I've come to realise, that if I want to stay a super tiny size 6 for the rest of my life, I'm not going to allow myself to live happily. I'm not going to allow myself to see friends, be in a relationship, or do things that make me happy.

That'd all be the for the sake of looking a certain way, and that's silly.

So, 'Hello' to the new 'Me'.

She's slightly curvier and she can't sometimes fit her bum in a size 6 pair of jeans. She likes to drink, eat pizza and burgers, and spend time with her friends. She still loves her work, but has realised that sometimes 'time off' is okay, especially when you've got shit to be dealing with. And, best of all, she's happy and accepting of herself, or at least learning how to be.

She is content.

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