Thinking over the past couple of months almost feels like a big ol' blur.

I kind of seemed to spiral into a person that wasn't really 'Me', you know? 

You see, as much as I love a bit of a dance and a tequila shot or two, going on all day benders 4 times a week, barely sleeping, and eating pot noodle for breakfast, really isn't my thing... but that's what I was doing, and I was doing it A LOT.



It definitely stems from heartbreak. Everyone goes a little off the rails when they're heartbroken, right?

But, I think it's what I needed.

I simply needed to not. give. a. fuck. for a while. 

So I didn't.

"May the flowers remind us why the rain was necessary."

I'd spent soooo long pandering to someone else's life, that it was totally freeing to just let loose and find myself sipping gin out of a coffee cup, on a train back to my mates at 9pm.

It was weirdly liberating.

I hadn't lived like that in such a long time. Actually... I don't think I'd ever let myself live like that, EVER.



However, there definitely comes a time when the constant heartbroken induced drinking, and dancing until 3am on a Tuesday night, has to come to an end. (It might have been the night that I kissed multiple guys, got pied by the bartender, and then a bouncer called me Macaulay Culkin that did it for me, but I'm not sure I can put my finger on it...)

I suddenly woke up one morning and realised that I felt like... well... shit.

I felt exhausted, my body was dehydrated, I'd gained a little weight, I hadn't done any work in FOREVER. I felt like my life had completely gone off track - like I'd been stuck in the same old rut for 4 months and wasn't moving forward.

So, I decided to move. (And by that I mean, move from my bed for more than just grabbing some crunchy nut clusters from the kitchen.)


EXERCISE

I started exercising again.

I'm not a gym bunny AT ALL, in fact, I really only enjoy the feeling AFTER exercising. But, that's what convinces me to do it, I guess... even if it is only 30 mins a morning or whatever.

A little bit of exercise here and there makes you feel really bloody good.

I love feeling the post-workout ache, and seeing my waist tone up - it's better than waking up hungover and feeling shit after eating a McDonald's breakfast.

CLEANER DIET

I cleaned up my diet again.

I had been eating sooooo much crap since my break up. (I'll be honest, it triggered some awful eating disorder habits that I really struggled to pull myself out of BUT I did it.) 

I stopped having pre-meditated binging sessions and crying at The Notebook, and started making salads and having greek yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, and I just felt SO much better for it.

Not saying I don't treat myself every now and again if I want to, but for the most part, I always feel better with a cleaner diet.




WRITING & PHOTOGRAPHY (OR WHATEVER YOU CONSIDER IT)

I started writing and taking photos again - doing all those little things that I love.

I'd forgotten how much I loved waking up early, writing whilst sipping a cup of tea, and hearing birds chirping outside my window (very Snow White of me, I know).

I'd gotten SO behind with work, that when I threw myself back into it, it felt amazing to finally feel organised and on top of things again.

DRINKING LESS

And, I feel like this is the biggest one of all...

I started drinking less.

This isn't to say I didn't go out anymore, because I love a little bit of socialisin' I do, but I just chose not to buy a gin and tonic, and bought a diet coke instead - especially if it was midweek.

It was nice to not be waking up with a hangover and actually be able to function at 11am, rather than still gasping for water in my bed.

It's nice to just not feel as 'stuck' anymore.

So, I've Been In A Rut. Here's How I've Been Trying To Get Out Of It...


Thinking over the past couple of months almost feels like a big ol' blur.

I kind of seemed to spiral into a person that wasn't really 'Me', you know? 

You see, as much as I love a bit of a dance and a tequila shot or two, going on all day benders 4 times a week, barely sleeping, and eating pot noodle for breakfast, really isn't my thing... but that's what I was doing, and I was doing it A LOT.



It definitely stems from heartbreak. Everyone goes a little off the rails when they're heartbroken, right?

But, I think it's what I needed.

I simply needed to not. give. a. fuck. for a while. 

So I didn't.

"May the flowers remind us why the rain was necessary."

I'd spent soooo long pandering to someone else's life, that it was totally freeing to just let loose and find myself sipping gin out of a coffee cup, on a train back to my mates at 9pm.

It was weirdly liberating.

I hadn't lived like that in such a long time. Actually... I don't think I'd ever let myself live like that, EVER.



However, there definitely comes a time when the constant heartbroken induced drinking, and dancing until 3am on a Tuesday night, has to come to an end. (It might have been the night that I kissed multiple guys, got pied by the bartender, and then a bouncer called me Macaulay Culkin that did it for me, but I'm not sure I can put my finger on it...)

I suddenly woke up one morning and realised that I felt like... well... shit.

I felt exhausted, my body was dehydrated, I'd gained a little weight, I hadn't done any work in FOREVER. I felt like my life had completely gone off track - like I'd been stuck in the same old rut for 4 months and wasn't moving forward.

So, I decided to move. (And by that I mean, move from my bed for more than just grabbing some crunchy nut clusters from the kitchen.)


EXERCISE

I started exercising again.

I'm not a gym bunny AT ALL, in fact, I really only enjoy the feeling AFTER exercising. But, that's what convinces me to do it, I guess... even if it is only 30 mins a morning or whatever.

A little bit of exercise here and there makes you feel really bloody good.

I love feeling the post-workout ache, and seeing my waist tone up - it's better than waking up hungover and feeling shit after eating a McDonald's breakfast.

CLEANER DIET

I cleaned up my diet again.

I had been eating sooooo much crap since my break up. (I'll be honest, it triggered some awful eating disorder habits that I really struggled to pull myself out of BUT I did it.) 

I stopped having pre-meditated binging sessions and crying at The Notebook, and started making salads and having greek yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, and I just felt SO much better for it.

Not saying I don't treat myself every now and again if I want to, but for the most part, I always feel better with a cleaner diet.




WRITING & PHOTOGRAPHY (OR WHATEVER YOU CONSIDER IT)

I started writing and taking photos again - doing all those little things that I love.

I'd forgotten how much I loved waking up early, writing whilst sipping a cup of tea, and hearing birds chirping outside my window (very Snow White of me, I know).

I'd gotten SO behind with work, that when I threw myself back into it, it felt amazing to finally feel organised and on top of things again.

DRINKING LESS

And, I feel like this is the biggest one of all...

I started drinking less.

This isn't to say I didn't go out anymore, because I love a little bit of socialisin' I do, but I just chose not to buy a gin and tonic, and bought a diet coke instead - especially if it was midweek.

It was nice to not be waking up with a hangover and actually be able to function at 11am, rather than still gasping for water in my bed.

It's nice to just not feel as 'stuck' anymore.

Over the past year, there has been one thing that has truly been a huge contributor to my *slow* growing confidence, and that thing is... lingerie. Good ol' sexy lingerie.

There's something about slipping into a black lacy lingerie set that just makes me feel like, well... a hot. damn. goddess, you know?

"I think it is what is worn underneath that really inspires a woman to feel beautiful in her clothes." -Alice Temperley




I never really realised the impact the underwear I was wearing could have on me, or my confidence - to be more specific. 

I would pick comfy underwear. You know, the kind of underwear you wear on a 'sick' day, or the kind that have cute little stripes and polka dots on them? It wasn't until I turned 17/18 that I really took notice of the pieces I was choosing.

I guess that may have something to do with me getting older and wanting to feel a little more 'attractive', so to speak. But, whatever the reason, it truly has helped me come to terms with learning to love my own skin. 





This particular look is from B.tempt'd, one of my favourite brands to have underwear from. 

It's the 'After Hours' set and I simply cannot get over how amazing this set makes me feel!

There's something about this which is so beautiful and delicate, yet also so incredibly sexy, and I just absolutely LOVE that it manages to do it all.

I adore the way it's different to your usual bra, as it has the gorgeous shoulder detailing and bow at the back - it just makes it feel a little more special!



Taking notice and focusing on choosing good lingerie, has meant that I'm almost able to see myself in a kind of 'new light'. 

I feel GOOD in my underwear. I feel SEXY. I feel FUN. And, that's really made a huge difference for me.

Plus, there's nothing to say that choosing to wear 'sexier' pieces, or more detailed sets, is less comfortable. I still find that all my underwear is super comfy - which is an extra added bonus. (This set in particular is SO comfortable!)



I know you're all going to be wanting this set in your life too, so simply click HERE to check it out. OR, head on over to my Instagram and check out my cheek little giveaway (you never know, you could be the winner of these gorgeous pieces!!).

Shop the look:

The Power Of Good Lingerie


Over the past year, there has been one thing that has truly been a huge contributor to my *slow* growing confidence, and that thing is... lingerie. Good ol' sexy lingerie.

There's something about slipping into a black lacy lingerie set that just makes me feel like, well... a hot. damn. goddess, you know?

"I think it is what is worn underneath that really inspires a woman to feel beautiful in her clothes." -Alice Temperley




I never really realised the impact the underwear I was wearing could have on me, or my confidence - to be more specific. 

I would pick comfy underwear. You know, the kind of underwear you wear on a 'sick' day, or the kind that have cute little stripes and polka dots on them? It wasn't until I turned 17/18 that I really took notice of the pieces I was choosing.

I guess that may have something to do with me getting older and wanting to feel a little more 'attractive', so to speak. But, whatever the reason, it truly has helped me come to terms with learning to love my own skin. 





This particular look is from B.tempt'd, one of my favourite brands to have underwear from. 

It's the 'After Hours' set and I simply cannot get over how amazing this set makes me feel!

There's something about this which is so beautiful and delicate, yet also so incredibly sexy, and I just absolutely LOVE that it manages to do it all.

I adore the way it's different to your usual bra, as it has the gorgeous shoulder detailing and bow at the back - it just makes it feel a little more special!



Taking notice and focusing on choosing good lingerie, has meant that I'm almost able to see myself in a kind of 'new light'. 

I feel GOOD in my underwear. I feel SEXY. I feel FUN. And, that's really made a huge difference for me.

Plus, there's nothing to say that choosing to wear 'sexier' pieces, or more detailed sets, is less comfortable. I still find that all my underwear is super comfy - which is an extra added bonus. (This set in particular is SO comfortable!)



I know you're all going to be wanting this set in your life too, so simply click HERE to check it out. OR, head on over to my Instagram and check out my cheek little giveaway (you never know, you could be the winner of these gorgeous pieces!!).

Shop the look:


I'm always so set on trying to figure myself out.

I'm always pondering over 'who am I?', 'what's my purpose?', 'how should I be?', when in reality, I guess these questions are answer-less.

"So be it. I am a wholeness I'll never know. Maybe that's the best." - Hayden Carruth 

You see, I'm a gal who likes her questions answered. I like to feel in-the-know and in control. I like to make goals, and I like to reach them, but with life, there always comes a little bit of mystery, you know? so it makes it difficult for me, Little Miss 'I must succeed', to go about my days and not wonder whether everything is heading in the right direction.




I've felt lost at multiple times in my life, and in addition to that, I feel like I've experienced quite a few different 'periods of life' in my short 20 years on this earth.

And, in every different 'period' of my life that that 'lost' feeling creeps in, I revert back to the same old panic of 'I'm a failure!', 'everything is going wrong!' and it can feel a little bit debilitating.

It's ironic too because I'm also a huge believer in 'everything will work itself out', but when things start to go a little wrong or get a little confusing in my own life, that mentality goes completely out the window.





Let's throw it back to 2014 for example, when I decided to drop out of college.

I remember feeling like the biggest failure in the world - despite having a very valid reason to just up and leave the whole thing.

For months on end I had no idea where my life was going - I had no purpose anymore. I felt nothing most days, and there didn't really appear to be any kind of 'future' for me in my mind.

Then one day, I began writing. I began taking photos. I began putting some energy out there into the world. It took one small moment for things to just change a little, and, well, now it's 4 years later and here we are.

Here I am with a purpose, with (hopefully) some kind of future and feeling every emotion I possibly can (sometimes too many at once, but that's better than nothing haha).






I guess what I'm getting at is, despite how cheesy it sounds, everything will work itself out. We can't predict what's going to happen to us, or what kind of person we are. Everything is instant - things can change within the flicker of a moment.

I think sometimes we just have to ride things out, let things happen, see where the world wants to take us, rather than spending each day stressing over whether you're going to be moved out by 22 or whether your whole career is a big ol' flop.... let's just give things a chance.

So, I, myself, am going to try and start worrying less over what's going to happen to me. I'm going to stop trying to define myself, or worrying about how other people define me. I'm going to try and just go with it - live my life with unanswered questions.

I think that's probably the 'easiest' way to be, and things have managed to work themselves out so far, so why not just go with it and trust it...

"So Be It. I'm A Wholeness I'll Never Know."


I'm always so set on trying to figure myself out.

I'm always pondering over 'who am I?', 'what's my purpose?', 'how should I be?', when in reality, I guess these questions are answer-less.

"So be it. I am a wholeness I'll never know. Maybe that's the best." - Hayden Carruth 

You see, I'm a gal who likes her questions answered. I like to feel in-the-know and in control. I like to make goals, and I like to reach them, but with life, there always comes a little bit of mystery, you know? so it makes it difficult for me, Little Miss 'I must succeed', to go about my days and not wonder whether everything is heading in the right direction.




I've felt lost at multiple times in my life, and in addition to that, I feel like I've experienced quite a few different 'periods of life' in my short 20 years on this earth.

And, in every different 'period' of my life that that 'lost' feeling creeps in, I revert back to the same old panic of 'I'm a failure!', 'everything is going wrong!' and it can feel a little bit debilitating.

It's ironic too because I'm also a huge believer in 'everything will work itself out', but when things start to go a little wrong or get a little confusing in my own life, that mentality goes completely out the window.





Let's throw it back to 2014 for example, when I decided to drop out of college.

I remember feeling like the biggest failure in the world - despite having a very valid reason to just up and leave the whole thing.

For months on end I had no idea where my life was going - I had no purpose anymore. I felt nothing most days, and there didn't really appear to be any kind of 'future' for me in my mind.

Then one day, I began writing. I began taking photos. I began putting some energy out there into the world. It took one small moment for things to just change a little, and, well, now it's 4 years later and here we are.

Here I am with a purpose, with (hopefully) some kind of future and feeling every emotion I possibly can (sometimes too many at once, but that's better than nothing haha).






I guess what I'm getting at is, despite how cheesy it sounds, everything will work itself out. We can't predict what's going to happen to us, or what kind of person we are. Everything is instant - things can change within the flicker of a moment.

I think sometimes we just have to ride things out, let things happen, see where the world wants to take us, rather than spending each day stressing over whether you're going to be moved out by 22 or whether your whole career is a big ol' flop.... let's just give things a chance.

So, I, myself, am going to try and start worrying less over what's going to happen to me. I'm going to stop trying to define myself, or worrying about how other people define me. I'm going to try and just go with it - live my life with unanswered questions.

I think that's probably the 'easiest' way to be, and things have managed to work themselves out so far, so why not just go with it and trust it...

I'm stripping things back to basics today - I'm going old school blogger on your asses.

Today, I simply wanted to share with you guys some lovely new pieces that Femme Luxe - a new brand on my radar - had sent over to me.

You know that I'm quite simple when it comes to styling, so these few pieces are the perfect addition to my wardrobe, and to mix up my looks a little bit!


THE KNITTED DRESS

There's something so 'extra' about my dress being knitted, you know? It just adds a little bit of 'something something' to a classic, simple piece.

I chose this dress in 2 colours, black and a super fun orange shade! I love the way these dresses fit, they're soooo figure flattering, plus the fact that they're really bloody comfortable. The buttons on them are a lovely added detail and mean that they're perfect paired with some tortoise shell sunnies.

I think there's something so great about having a piece like this in your wardrobe. You can dress them up or down - heels or trainers, both are going to work! - and they're also great for taking to the beach as a little cover up!



THE FRILLED SHORTS

I'm absolutely loving shorts and skirts right now, especially this 'tennis', 'skater' style vibe.

These layered frilly shorts are so inexpensive - only £15.99 at the moment!- and they're amazing for the crazy heatwave we've been having.

I love the high waisted style and the comfy material and think they work perfectly (again) just for day to day, styled with boots or trainers, but also look so cool paired with some heels and a pretty bardot crop on a night out!


To check out more from Femme Luxe, simply click HERE and head on over to their site and grab yourself some fab bargains too!

*This post is in collaboration with Femme Luxe*

New Wardrobe Additions From Femme Luxe


I'm stripping things back to basics today - I'm going old school blogger on your asses.

Today, I simply wanted to share with you guys some lovely new pieces that Femme Luxe - a new brand on my radar - had sent over to me.

You know that I'm quite simple when it comes to styling, so these few pieces are the perfect addition to my wardrobe, and to mix up my looks a little bit!


THE KNITTED DRESS

There's something so 'extra' about my dress being knitted, you know? It just adds a little bit of 'something something' to a classic, simple piece.

I chose this dress in 2 colours, black and a super fun orange shade! I love the way these dresses fit, they're soooo figure flattering, plus the fact that they're really bloody comfortable. The buttons on them are a lovely added detail and mean that they're perfect paired with some tortoise shell sunnies.

I think there's something so great about having a piece like this in your wardrobe. You can dress them up or down - heels or trainers, both are going to work! - and they're also great for taking to the beach as a little cover up!



THE FRILLED SHORTS

I'm absolutely loving shorts and skirts right now, especially this 'tennis', 'skater' style vibe.

These layered frilly shorts are so inexpensive - only £15.99 at the moment!- and they're amazing for the crazy heatwave we've been having.

I love the high waisted style and the comfy material and think they work perfectly (again) just for day to day, styled with boots or trainers, but also look so cool paired with some heels and a pretty bardot crop on a night out!


To check out more from Femme Luxe, simply click HERE and head on over to their site and grab yourself some fab bargains too!

*This post is in collaboration with Femme Luxe*

You may notice I haven't been around much on my blog lately. I've been *trying* to take some time for myself - to figure stuff out.

I've been racking my brains over what I should be doing with my life, where I should be going, how I should be feeling etc.

And, well, the thing I've come to realise is, I don't feel good enough... in any sense of the word.

I don't feel good enough to be a part of the blogging world anymore (hence my last blog post), I don't feel good enough to be a model, I don't feel good enough to be someone's girlfriend, I don't feel good enough to have a regular job... I just don't feel good enough for anything.


Now where has this feeling of absolute self destruction come from?

That's what I've been trying to put my finger on.

When I think back to the start of 2017, I really had my shit together. I had clear goals, I was on the right path towards those goals, and all the work I'd put into my mental health over the past 3 years was finally paying off.

I was pretty damn happy.

I liked myself, I liked my life and everything was on the 'up', FINALLY.

However, I know for a fact that last year, a lot of things changed. A lot of things set me back, and all of the self worth I'd built just slowly came crashing down.


I had someone in my life who tore down every bit of confidence that I ever had. I became brainwashed by the idea that someone 'loved' me, and I didn't realise all of the things which I was letting go of in my life, purely just by letting them in.

I stopped thinking about my goals, I stopped worrying about my own mental health and became concerned with someone else's, and I let myself believe that I really wasn't good enough - I wasn't 'perfect' or 'beautiful' enough for anyone.


That's the thing with me. Unfortunately, 99.9% of my self-worth, my confidence, comes from how attractive I feel. Without feeling good in myself and my looks, I feel like I have nothing.

So, when I let something happen in my life, that inevitably made me feel like a hideous, messy, excuse of a person, simply because I decided to put others first before myself, my head got a little bit... fucked up.

"Sometimes I feel proud to have all this love in me, and the other times I wish that it never existed there."

All my focus that should have been on my blog and my career, went onto something else, and it's probably my biggest regret in life.

Stepping out from something completely toxic and soul destroying, and finally thinking 'what the hell was I doing?!' 'why was I being made to feel like that?', is that realization I've needed to finally pick myself back up again.


I had my self confidence broken down.

It fell apart, bit by bit... this is why I suddenly feel like I'm back at square 1... because I kind of am.

When I feel confident, when I feel beautiful, when I feel full in myself, I THRIVE.

I go out there, my head held high, and I sell myself to the world with every bit of energy I've got. And, when I don't, my whole world comes crashing down around me.

Sure, it makes me sad to think that my life revolves around my feelings of 'self-love' and whether I like my reflection, but it's been programmed into me. The world I've lived in, has programmed me to put my looks at the top of my priority list. I can't seem to erase it.


All I've ever wanted in my life is to feel at peace - to feel happy. All I'd love is to look in a mirror and finally feel like I really like what I see. And, it's hard because, a year ago, I was slowly reaching that point.

Now, I find it difficult to do anything.

I find going out the house hard work because I'm scared people that know me will see me and think I've gained weight, I find going on dates a nightmare because I don't think I have this 'perfect' body that I have been made to feel I should have to make men like me, and I find just doing my everyday tasks, my job, and going to castings, completely exhausting.


So, at the moment, this is what I'm trying to work on - loving myself again, making myself feel good in my own skin.

I'm trying to pick myself up, remember what I'm passionate about and throw myself into it.

I never want someone to come into my life again and have such a catalytic effect. I never want all of my hard work and progress to be ruined by another person.

My focus needs to be Me, my jobs and the people I love.

I want to spend my life feeling beautiful, feeling happy and succeeding the best that I can.

I want to feel good enough to do the things I want to do.

I want to love everything I do again, and do it with confidence.

Not Beautiful Enough, Not Good Enough


You may notice I haven't been around much on my blog lately. I've been *trying* to take some time for myself - to figure stuff out.

I've been racking my brains over what I should be doing with my life, where I should be going, how I should be feeling etc.

And, well, the thing I've come to realise is, I don't feel good enough... in any sense of the word.

I don't feel good enough to be a part of the blogging world anymore (hence my last blog post), I don't feel good enough to be a model, I don't feel good enough to be someone's girlfriend, I don't feel good enough to have a regular job... I just don't feel good enough for anything.


Now where has this feeling of absolute self destruction come from?

That's what I've been trying to put my finger on.

When I think back to the start of 2017, I really had my shit together. I had clear goals, I was on the right path towards those goals, and all the work I'd put into my mental health over the past 3 years was finally paying off.

I was pretty damn happy.

I liked myself, I liked my life and everything was on the 'up', FINALLY.

However, I know for a fact that last year, a lot of things changed. A lot of things set me back, and all of the self worth I'd built just slowly came crashing down.


I had someone in my life who tore down every bit of confidence that I ever had. I became brainwashed by the idea that someone 'loved' me, and I didn't realise all of the things which I was letting go of in my life, purely just by letting them in.

I stopped thinking about my goals, I stopped worrying about my own mental health and became concerned with someone else's, and I let myself believe that I really wasn't good enough - I wasn't 'perfect' or 'beautiful' enough for anyone.


That's the thing with me. Unfortunately, 99.9% of my self-worth, my confidence, comes from how attractive I feel. Without feeling good in myself and my looks, I feel like I have nothing.

So, when I let something happen in my life, that inevitably made me feel like a hideous, messy, excuse of a person, simply because I decided to put others first before myself, my head got a little bit... fucked up.

"Sometimes I feel proud to have all this love in me, and the other times I wish that it never existed there."

All my focus that should have been on my blog and my career, went onto something else, and it's probably my biggest regret in life.

Stepping out from something completely toxic and soul destroying, and finally thinking 'what the hell was I doing?!' 'why was I being made to feel like that?', is that realization I've needed to finally pick myself back up again.


I had my self confidence broken down.

It fell apart, bit by bit... this is why I suddenly feel like I'm back at square 1... because I kind of am.

When I feel confident, when I feel beautiful, when I feel full in myself, I THRIVE.

I go out there, my head held high, and I sell myself to the world with every bit of energy I've got. And, when I don't, my whole world comes crashing down around me.

Sure, it makes me sad to think that my life revolves around my feelings of 'self-love' and whether I like my reflection, but it's been programmed into me. The world I've lived in, has programmed me to put my looks at the top of my priority list. I can't seem to erase it.


All I've ever wanted in my life is to feel at peace - to feel happy. All I'd love is to look in a mirror and finally feel like I really like what I see. And, it's hard because, a year ago, I was slowly reaching that point.

Now, I find it difficult to do anything.

I find going out the house hard work because I'm scared people that know me will see me and think I've gained weight, I find going on dates a nightmare because I don't think I have this 'perfect' body that I have been made to feel I should have to make men like me, and I find just doing my everyday tasks, my job, and going to castings, completely exhausting.


So, at the moment, this is what I'm trying to work on - loving myself again, making myself feel good in my own skin.

I'm trying to pick myself up, remember what I'm passionate about and throw myself into it.

I never want someone to come into my life again and have such a catalytic effect. I never want all of my hard work and progress to be ruined by another person.

My focus needs to be Me, my jobs and the people I love.

I want to spend my life feeling beautiful, feeling happy and succeeding the best that I can.

I want to feel good enough to do the things I want to do.

I want to love everything I do again, and do it with confidence.

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