'Trust me Hol, it get's better' - you have no idea how much this sentence has been said to me over the past 4 years. It's one of those overly repetitive, yet weirdly comforting, things that people spew out to you in your time of need. It's a phrase as old as time, it's basically the mantra behind every Dua Lipa song and, it's something we've all needed to be told at some point.

It's like the only advice someone can give you at certain times in our lives, because, simply, there really is no other way to explain it. Although life feels crappy, and everything around you is falling to pieces, IT WILL GET BETTER - you just don't know it yet.

The thing is, we just don't want to hear it.

For example, when I was at my worst, dealing with depression and my eating disorders, I remember crying and crying and crying to my Mum, telling her I felt trapped; I felt like I was suffocating; I felt like it was going to be this way for the rest of my life. She'd hold me and tell me, 'you're going to be okay, we're going to fix this', and maybe for 30 seconds, that would heal the wound, it would stop me crying, but right afterwards I would sink back into a dark hole and imagine myself not being around in a years time. The advice didn't do anything for me at that point.

I was void to it. I was ignorant to it. All I cared about was feeling how shitty I felt. I couldn't imagine feeling any other way, and didn't seem to want to either.

But time passes, things change and, hey, look at me now. Just like my Mum said 'we're going to fix this', and we did.

So what if it took 4 years to reach a point of total clarity with it all, I still made it here and things have gotten better.

It all just takes time.

It takes time for these sayings to work - for these things to stick.

Even some stuff that's happened to me recently - I felt like I had been broken for good. I felt so hurt and betrayed and lost.

Everyone around me was saying 'It gets easier', 'It gets better', and I just wanted to be like 'YOU'RE GOING TO SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FEELING IT OR GOING THROUGH IT!'  - I couldn't deal with trying to be comforted. It all just hurt too much to even try.

Whereas now, fast forward a little bit, and I'm the best place I've been in a long time. I'm so happy, so in control of my mental health, and enjoying my life so so much. It seems like all that hurt and upset never even happened - it's simply not something that affects me too much anymore.

I'm okay.

So, I guess my point here is: Yeah, people are going to spew this repetitive phrases out to you, people are going to comfort you in those ways - tell you things you don't want to particularly hear right now... but give it some time - even if it's years - and you'll realise it's not 'spew' after all. It's actually realistic, truthful and helpful.

Everything always works itself out.

"Trust Me, It Gets Better"

'Trust me Hol, it get's better' - you have no idea how much this sentence has been said to me over the past 4 years. It's one of those overly repetitive, yet weirdly comforting, things that people spew out to you in your time of need. It's a phrase as old as time, it's basically the mantra behind every Dua Lipa song and, it's something we've all needed to be told at some point.

It's like the only advice someone can give you at certain times in our lives, because, simply, there really is no other way to explain it. Although life feels crappy, and everything around you is falling to pieces, IT WILL GET BETTER - you just don't know it yet.

The thing is, we just don't want to hear it.

For example, when I was at my worst, dealing with depression and my eating disorders, I remember crying and crying and crying to my Mum, telling her I felt trapped; I felt like I was suffocating; I felt like it was going to be this way for the rest of my life. She'd hold me and tell me, 'you're going to be okay, we're going to fix this', and maybe for 30 seconds, that would heal the wound, it would stop me crying, but right afterwards I would sink back into a dark hole and imagine myself not being around in a years time. The advice didn't do anything for me at that point.

I was void to it. I was ignorant to it. All I cared about was feeling how shitty I felt. I couldn't imagine feeling any other way, and didn't seem to want to either.

But time passes, things change and, hey, look at me now. Just like my Mum said 'we're going to fix this', and we did.

So what if it took 4 years to reach a point of total clarity with it all, I still made it here and things have gotten better.

It all just takes time.

It takes time for these sayings to work - for these things to stick.

Even some stuff that's happened to me recently - I felt like I had been broken for good. I felt so hurt and betrayed and lost.

Everyone around me was saying 'It gets easier', 'It gets better', and I just wanted to be like 'YOU'RE GOING TO SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FEELING IT OR GOING THROUGH IT!'  - I couldn't deal with trying to be comforted. It all just hurt too much to even try.

Whereas now, fast forward a little bit, and I'm the best place I've been in a long time. I'm so happy, so in control of my mental health, and enjoying my life so so much. It seems like all that hurt and upset never even happened - it's simply not something that affects me too much anymore.

I'm okay.

So, I guess my point here is: Yeah, people are going to spew this repetitive phrases out to you, people are going to comfort you in those ways - tell you things you don't want to particularly hear right now... but give it some time - even if it's years - and you'll realise it's not 'spew' after all. It's actually realistic, truthful and helpful.

Everything always works itself out.

Read more »

Well... if that self-indulgent title didn't give it away already, I'm just going to warn you now, this blog post is going to be very much centered all around ME.

That's right, get ready to ready for me to drool over myself, and my new growing self-love, and to let you in on all my little secrets and how I've gone about changing my perception of myself too.

It's been one hell of a ride guys.

But, here we go...

Around 3 weeks ago now, for the first time in 4 years, I just forgot to count my calories one day. Unfortunately, despite everything else I'd overcome eating disorder-wise, this had always been one habit that I could just not drop. However, since that one day where I forgot to do it, I haven't done it since, and MY LORD, do I feel free!

I thought this would be something I would have in my life forever, I thought I'd always have My Fitness Pal downloaded on my phone, and I thought I'd always be logging every calorie I had every. single. day.

But, for some reason, I just didn't go back to doing it. I didn't even bother to open that annoying little app up on my phone, or even seem to panic over that tiny calorie label on whatever I was eating... I just didn't care anymore.

I only noticed the fact I hadn't done it when it got to a week later.

I found myself listening to my body more, noticing hunger cues, feeling 'full' and knowing I was 'full'. I stopped just eating for the sake of eating. I stopped restricting or depriving myself of foods I craved. I just began to look at food very differently... and I think that's one of the best things that's ever happened to me... and I have no idea where it came from.

It's a difficult thing when I think about it really, but I don't think I ever want to go back to revolving my life around numbers again.

Over the past couple of weeks, something that has also changed, is the way that I am trying to view myself. (This is a tough one, trust me)

Sure, I'm not some tight, toned, petite and perfect model, I'm wobbly in places and have scars and stretch marks, and my body has kind of been through hell and back over the past few years, but that's MY body. MY body isn't going to suddenly turn into someone else's, no matter how much I might want it to.

I'm learning to appreciate the skin that I'm in. No, I may not love it, but I appreciate it. This body keeps me alive, keeps me going each day, and this body holds my laughter - my memories - and I have to thank it for that.

All I can do with this body is work on it, to make it a body I am comfortable with. All I can do is take the time to workout, to feed myself well and to mold it into something I am more than grateful for.

That's all I can do right now.

"To fall in love with yourself is the beginning of a life long romance."

I've been trying to remind myself of how amazing I am each day too.

This probably sounds like the most 'vain' and 'self indulgent' thing ever, but trust me, after a while, it really starts to work.

When people compliment me, I try not to brush it off... I say 'thank you' and I remind myself of that compliment when I'm feeling down or like I can't pull myself together.

I have people around me who love me, and that's been something that's been made more evident than ever over the past few weeks or so. And, well, those people love me for a reason, and I need to start loving myself for those reasons too.

So, yeah... I'm pretty amazing, ask my friends.

Getting out the house has done me wonders, or even just distracting myself with work and seeing friends - these things stop me over analyzing myself; they stop me going on a downward spiral into my self-loathing pit of despair.

Simple things like taking myself out on a little walk, or traipsing into Manchester just for my Costa Caramel Latte, have kept my mind at ease, kept my mind away from bad thoughts, and it's been good for me.

Plus, I have a re-ignited love for taking self-portraits too, and that's one thing that has really built my confidence up.

Taking great pictures of myself, looking at them and loving them is such an amazing feeling.

PLEASE DO IT TOO. IT'S SOOOO GOOD FOR THE SOUL.

Last but not least, it's actually a book that's really been a big part of my life over the past few months.

It's 'Happy - The Journal' by Fearne Cotton, and writing in it each day is such a big help with my mood and feelings.

There was one section where I had to write out a love letter to myself, all about the things I liked about 'Me'... and, honestly, it just made me realise, I'm really not that bad after all.

So, here's mine for you to read (maybe after reading this, you can write yours down too!):

"Dear Me, 

 You're a brave person. You battle with a lot, and I'm proud of you for that.
I love your red hair and your freckles, and your laugh might be weird and goofy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
You work hard and try new things, always hoping to improve yourself. I just want you to truly love yourself and everything you do one day.
You're a good person."

"Today I am unraveling, and it's all kinds of beautiful."

Okay, I Think I Love Myself

Well... if that self-indulgent title didn't give it away already, I'm just going to warn you now, this blog post is going to be very much centered all around ME.

That's right, get ready to ready for me to drool over myself, and my new growing self-love, and to let you in on all my little secrets and how I've gone about changing my perception of myself too.

It's been one hell of a ride guys.

But, here we go...

Around 3 weeks ago now, for the first time in 4 years, I just forgot to count my calories one day. Unfortunately, despite everything else I'd overcome eating disorder-wise, this had always been one habit that I could just not drop. However, since that one day where I forgot to do it, I haven't done it since, and MY LORD, do I feel free!

I thought this would be something I would have in my life forever, I thought I'd always have My Fitness Pal downloaded on my phone, and I thought I'd always be logging every calorie I had every. single. day.

But, for some reason, I just didn't go back to doing it. I didn't even bother to open that annoying little app up on my phone, or even seem to panic over that tiny calorie label on whatever I was eating... I just didn't care anymore.

I only noticed the fact I hadn't done it when it got to a week later.

I found myself listening to my body more, noticing hunger cues, feeling 'full' and knowing I was 'full'. I stopped just eating for the sake of eating. I stopped restricting or depriving myself of foods I craved. I just began to look at food very differently... and I think that's one of the best things that's ever happened to me... and I have no idea where it came from.

It's a difficult thing when I think about it really, but I don't think I ever want to go back to revolving my life around numbers again.

Over the past couple of weeks, something that has also changed, is the way that I am trying to view myself. (This is a tough one, trust me)

Sure, I'm not some tight, toned, petite and perfect model, I'm wobbly in places and have scars and stretch marks, and my body has kind of been through hell and back over the past few years, but that's MY body. MY body isn't going to suddenly turn into someone else's, no matter how much I might want it to.

I'm learning to appreciate the skin that I'm in. No, I may not love it, but I appreciate it. This body keeps me alive, keeps me going each day, and this body holds my laughter - my memories - and I have to thank it for that.

All I can do with this body is work on it, to make it a body I am comfortable with. All I can do is take the time to workout, to feed myself well and to mold it into something I am more than grateful for.

That's all I can do right now.

"To fall in love with yourself is the beginning of a life long romance."

I've been trying to remind myself of how amazing I am each day too.

This probably sounds like the most 'vain' and 'self indulgent' thing ever, but trust me, after a while, it really starts to work.

When people compliment me, I try not to brush it off... I say 'thank you' and I remind myself of that compliment when I'm feeling down or like I can't pull myself together.

I have people around me who love me, and that's been something that's been made more evident than ever over the past few weeks or so. And, well, those people love me for a reason, and I need to start loving myself for those reasons too.

So, yeah... I'm pretty amazing, ask my friends.

Getting out the house has done me wonders, or even just distracting myself with work and seeing friends - these things stop me over analyzing myself; they stop me going on a downward spiral into my self-loathing pit of despair.

Simple things like taking myself out on a little walk, or traipsing into Manchester just for my Costa Caramel Latte, have kept my mind at ease, kept my mind away from bad thoughts, and it's been good for me.

Plus, I have a re-ignited love for taking self-portraits too, and that's one thing that has really built my confidence up.

Taking great pictures of myself, looking at them and loving them is such an amazing feeling.

PLEASE DO IT TOO. IT'S SOOOO GOOD FOR THE SOUL.

Last but not least, it's actually a book that's really been a big part of my life over the past few months.

It's 'Happy - The Journal' by Fearne Cotton, and writing in it each day is such a big help with my mood and feelings.

There was one section where I had to write out a love letter to myself, all about the things I liked about 'Me'... and, honestly, it just made me realise, I'm really not that bad after all.

So, here's mine for you to read (maybe after reading this, you can write yours down too!):

"Dear Me, 

 You're a brave person. You battle with a lot, and I'm proud of you for that.
I love your red hair and your freckles, and your laugh might be weird and goofy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
You work hard and try new things, always hoping to improve yourself. I just want you to truly love yourself and everything you do one day.
You're a good person."

"Today I am unraveling, and it's all kinds of beautiful."

Read more »

So here's a set of photos - a set of photos which I should probably look at and think I look really god damn hot in, and be posting all over every form of social media as my new profile picture, but, instead, I feel quite the opposite.

"When you can't hear anything over the screams inside you, maybe it's time to realize that you need to listen to your insides too."

When I look at these, all I see is weight gain. All I see is someone who I don't particularly recognize. I see someone who no longer looks the way they want to look or feels the way they want to feel.

I see an older, tireder version of me. I see a version of me that has 'let themself go', that has given into all the things she never wanted to give into. I see someone who I never thought I'd be again.

Ironically, the person who I never thought I'd be again is Me. 

I'm starting to resemble the person I was before my mental illnesses came around and that feels very very weird. I'm not used to thinking 'fuck it' about treating myself to a pizza, or going out with my friends and drinking every single weekend. I'm not used to having to squeeze my bum into a pair of jeans, rather than having everything simply slide over my bony backside and fit me no matter what. I'm not used to catching my double chin in photos or feeling like I need to lose 10 lbs.

And, honestly, I know that the only reason for feeling like that is because, before now, I have not been living my life properly, in anyway at all.

I have not been enjoying myself. I have not been doing the things I wanted to do, or being who I want to be.

And now, I am... kind of.
You see, as much as I can see myself returning to a person who I once was before my eating disorders etc., I am still not in a good place - in fact, I'm in a god damn awful place at the moment.

Sure, I'm living a more fun life, socializing, doing jobs I could never dream of, meeting with huge brands and getting to spend time with people I love, but, regardless of all of that, I still despise myself... and that consumes everything that I do.

I still hate what I look like, and that brings a big dark cloud over everything.

I still feel my body and want to cut off my fat with scissors, or dream about the day I can afford multiple surgeries and change my body for good. I still wonder what'd be like if I hadn't 'recovered' and I'd let myself get thinner and thinner, and I still painfully long for the day where I finally feel happy with myself.

I just want to like what I look like. I just want to feel thin and pretty. I just want to be confident in my body - be happy in my own skin.

But, there's something I've realised now, or at least, I'm trying to.

After yo-yo-ing from a size 16 to a size 4/6, and now an 8, no matter what size I've been, I have hated myself. I have hated and hated and hated myself, and no dress size has ever really changed that - despite what my mind is attempting to convince me.

Because, hey, sure, when I was a steady size 6, I felt good. I never had trouble fitting into clothes, I felt proud when I picked up the smallest size in the shop and I worked perfectly for most of the modelling jobs I went to. I didn't get that 'bloated' feeling and I had a big ol' gap between my thighs, which made me feel like I could rule the entire world.

I felt like I was pretty - I felt like someone who could be noticed.

But, on the other hand, everything else in my life was not perfect. I never went out the house, apart from working or a very rare night together with my friends. I never treated myself to anything I wanted, like a simple latte in a coffee shop, or a pizza at the weekend. I never pushed myself to try that many new things, and I lived the same old routine every single day. I ate the same meals at the same times, and had a repetitive workout routine that became like a religion to me.

I was happy I was thin, but I wasn't actually that happy.

Now, yes I am bigger (and as my Mum keeps telling me, not even that noticeably so, but, to me, in my head, I feel very very different). I am a size that feels alien and uncomfortable to me. I feel 'big' and 'squishy' and 'ugly' and all I want to do is be able to fit into my old size 6 jeans and not feel my boobs jiggle as I walk. I want to not have to sit crying over my double chin in a photo or worrying over the size of my thighs at castings. I want to feel 'tiny' and to thrive off of buying that XS clothing size again. I want it all back.

Yet, the thing I have in my head now is - what I keep trying to remind myself of - I'm not willing to give up all the wonderful stuff that's now in my life right that wasn't when I felt like that. I am not willing to give up my social life, the amazing castings and job offers, the greasy pizza I divulge in whilst terribly tipsy at the weekend.

I am not willing to hide myself away in my bedroom and do a boring workout routine over and over, or to eat the same regimented meal plan at the same regimented time. I am not willing to starve myself in order to reach some 'happiness' or 'perfection' that I already know isn't there - I've been there before.

I am not going to give up the freedom I have given myself and worked hard for - my stupid little eating disorders are not going to take that away from me again.

It's taking me a lot of time to build up a good mindset about this - and, trust me, I am not there yet, but I'm definitely on some kind of journey there.

Things have definitely gotten in the way of my feelings/progress; like the pill/contraceptive I've been taking, for example, but I've wanted to learn and grow from it - not let it destroy me. I haven't wanted to let my cravings for that 'skinny' feeling win over my love of a beautiful cheesy pizza *drools*.

No, I am not in a clear 'recovered' mindset right now.

I do worry that when I write pieces like this, people get convinced that I'm okay and I have my thoughts all poised and together... but I still have some big issues going on - some really shitty thoughts swimming round my brain.

But, when my friends text me and say 'let's meet for lunch' or when my someone suggests a Mcdonalds after I've drank 12 double Disaronno and Coke's in Whetherspoons on a Friday night (because, let's face it, without one I'd probably die of alcohol poisoning or something...), I don't want to be that person, sat there, denying it because I might gain a bit of weight or go over my calorie limit for the day - I want to live my freaking life.
That's what I'm going to work on.

I'm going to work on living my life - finding a way that I can live it, that works for me.

I thought I had it all figured out a few moths ago - hence my post 'Self Acceptance - I Can't Be The 'Old Me' Anymore', but I think that this is going to be a very long process - a lot longer than I thought.

Just because I've written this post doesn't mean I've got everything figured out now (which is what I thought when I wrote that last blog post). It doesn't mean I'm not going to cry over my thighs when I look in mirror, or grab my stomach and wish it would just disappear over night. It doesn't mean I'm not going to feel guilty over a bingey weekend or want to restrict my calories every now and again because I feel 'big' or 'sad' - because I WILL feel those feelings again, it's inevitable.

But, trust me, I will fight through them, as I always do. I will wake up everyday and try and love myself, even when I don't.

When I eat a cheese burger, or share some chips with my friends, I will remember to smile, not cry, because that's an achievement for me, not something I should feel bad about.

I will remember how it felt, going from psychiatrist, to psychiatrist, to doctor to doctor, talking about the dark things I used to talk about, and be grateful I am not there in that place anymore, and that I'm now living my life and giggling with my friends.

I will realise that life shouldn't be as consuming as I'm making it be. It should be full of love and happy moments - as many as you can fill it with.

"If you let the ghost of your past scare the life out of your new relationships, it will haunt you."

So yeah, I have to make a choice.

I have to decide whether I want to let this control me forever, or whether or not it's time to let the thing go.

And, just so you know... I want to let the thing go. 

That 'Skinny' Feeling Or Getting To Live My Life

So here's a set of photos - a set of photos which I should probably look at and think I look really god damn hot in, and be posting all over every form of social media as my new profile picture, but, instead, I feel quite the opposite.

"When you can't hear anything over the screams inside you, maybe it's time to realize that you need to listen to your insides too."

When I look at these, all I see is weight gain. All I see is someone who I don't particularly recognize. I see someone who no longer looks the way they want to look or feels the way they want to feel.

I see an older, tireder version of me. I see a version of me that has 'let themself go', that has given into all the things she never wanted to give into. I see someone who I never thought I'd be again.

Ironically, the person who I never thought I'd be again is Me. 

I'm starting to resemble the person I was before my mental illnesses came around and that feels very very weird. I'm not used to thinking 'fuck it' about treating myself to a pizza, or going out with my friends and drinking every single weekend. I'm not used to having to squeeze my bum into a pair of jeans, rather than having everything simply slide over my bony backside and fit me no matter what. I'm not used to catching my double chin in photos or feeling like I need to lose 10 lbs.

And, honestly, I know that the only reason for feeling like that is because, before now, I have not been living my life properly, in anyway at all.

I have not been enjoying myself. I have not been doing the things I wanted to do, or being who I want to be.

And now, I am... kind of.
You see, as much as I can see myself returning to a person who I once was before my eating disorders etc., I am still not in a good place - in fact, I'm in a god damn awful place at the moment.

Sure, I'm living a more fun life, socializing, doing jobs I could never dream of, meeting with huge brands and getting to spend time with people I love, but, regardless of all of that, I still despise myself... and that consumes everything that I do.

I still hate what I look like, and that brings a big dark cloud over everything.

I still feel my body and want to cut off my fat with scissors, or dream about the day I can afford multiple surgeries and change my body for good. I still wonder what'd be like if I hadn't 'recovered' and I'd let myself get thinner and thinner, and I still painfully long for the day where I finally feel happy with myself.

I just want to like what I look like. I just want to feel thin and pretty. I just want to be confident in my body - be happy in my own skin.

But, there's something I've realised now, or at least, I'm trying to.

After yo-yo-ing from a size 16 to a size 4/6, and now an 8, no matter what size I've been, I have hated myself. I have hated and hated and hated myself, and no dress size has ever really changed that - despite what my mind is attempting to convince me.

Because, hey, sure, when I was a steady size 6, I felt good. I never had trouble fitting into clothes, I felt proud when I picked up the smallest size in the shop and I worked perfectly for most of the modelling jobs I went to. I didn't get that 'bloated' feeling and I had a big ol' gap between my thighs, which made me feel like I could rule the entire world.

I felt like I was pretty - I felt like someone who could be noticed.

But, on the other hand, everything else in my life was not perfect. I never went out the house, apart from working or a very rare night together with my friends. I never treated myself to anything I wanted, like a simple latte in a coffee shop, or a pizza at the weekend. I never pushed myself to try that many new things, and I lived the same old routine every single day. I ate the same meals at the same times, and had a repetitive workout routine that became like a religion to me.

I was happy I was thin, but I wasn't actually that happy.

Now, yes I am bigger (and as my Mum keeps telling me, not even that noticeably so, but, to me, in my head, I feel very very different). I am a size that feels alien and uncomfortable to me. I feel 'big' and 'squishy' and 'ugly' and all I want to do is be able to fit into my old size 6 jeans and not feel my boobs jiggle as I walk. I want to not have to sit crying over my double chin in a photo or worrying over the size of my thighs at castings. I want to feel 'tiny' and to thrive off of buying that XS clothing size again. I want it all back.

Yet, the thing I have in my head now is - what I keep trying to remind myself of - I'm not willing to give up all the wonderful stuff that's now in my life right that wasn't when I felt like that. I am not willing to give up my social life, the amazing castings and job offers, the greasy pizza I divulge in whilst terribly tipsy at the weekend.

I am not willing to hide myself away in my bedroom and do a boring workout routine over and over, or to eat the same regimented meal plan at the same regimented time. I am not willing to starve myself in order to reach some 'happiness' or 'perfection' that I already know isn't there - I've been there before.

I am not going to give up the freedom I have given myself and worked hard for - my stupid little eating disorders are not going to take that away from me again.

It's taking me a lot of time to build up a good mindset about this - and, trust me, I am not there yet, but I'm definitely on some kind of journey there.

Things have definitely gotten in the way of my feelings/progress; like the pill/contraceptive I've been taking, for example, but I've wanted to learn and grow from it - not let it destroy me. I haven't wanted to let my cravings for that 'skinny' feeling win over my love of a beautiful cheesy pizza *drools*.

No, I am not in a clear 'recovered' mindset right now.

I do worry that when I write pieces like this, people get convinced that I'm okay and I have my thoughts all poised and together... but I still have some big issues going on - some really shitty thoughts swimming round my brain.

But, when my friends text me and say 'let's meet for lunch' or when my someone suggests a Mcdonalds after I've drank 12 double Disaronno and Coke's in Whetherspoons on a Friday night (because, let's face it, without one I'd probably die of alcohol poisoning or something...), I don't want to be that person, sat there, denying it because I might gain a bit of weight or go over my calorie limit for the day - I want to live my freaking life.
That's what I'm going to work on.

I'm going to work on living my life - finding a way that I can live it, that works for me.

I thought I had it all figured out a few moths ago - hence my post 'Self Acceptance - I Can't Be The 'Old Me' Anymore', but I think that this is going to be a very long process - a lot longer than I thought.

Just because I've written this post doesn't mean I've got everything figured out now (which is what I thought when I wrote that last blog post). It doesn't mean I'm not going to cry over my thighs when I look in mirror, or grab my stomach and wish it would just disappear over night. It doesn't mean I'm not going to feel guilty over a bingey weekend or want to restrict my calories every now and again because I feel 'big' or 'sad' - because I WILL feel those feelings again, it's inevitable.

But, trust me, I will fight through them, as I always do. I will wake up everyday and try and love myself, even when I don't.

When I eat a cheese burger, or share some chips with my friends, I will remember to smile, not cry, because that's an achievement for me, not something I should feel bad about.

I will remember how it felt, going from psychiatrist, to psychiatrist, to doctor to doctor, talking about the dark things I used to talk about, and be grateful I am not there in that place anymore, and that I'm now living my life and giggling with my friends.

I will realise that life shouldn't be as consuming as I'm making it be. It should be full of love and happy moments - as many as you can fill it with.

"If you let the ghost of your past scare the life out of your new relationships, it will haunt you."

So yeah, I have to make a choice.

I have to decide whether I want to let this control me forever, or whether or not it's time to let the thing go.

And, just so you know... I want to let the thing go. 
Read more »

I'm 20 this year. I'm going to be 20.

As I think about that, pondering over where the hell my teen years went (seriously, I wasted those on some stupid things), I can't help but feel a little lost. I feel like I don't know who I am or who I'm meant to be.

Sure, I know my name: Holly Rebecca White, I know my hair is ginger, and red lipstick will always be my thing but, for some reason, looking at myself as a person, I can't figure out who I'm meant to be, or who I will be, as a 20 year old girl.


See how I used the word 'girl' there. Not 'woman' - I don't feel like I've hit womanhood yet.

I'm still an insecure teenager. I'm still young and learning. I'm still trying to find my feet - I have no idea what I'm doing.

Well, okay, maybe that's a little lie.

Of course I know that I'm a model and a blogger. My job is basically to be 'Me' all the time; to write about me, what I like, to shoot images of me and go to castings and be myself. But, who actually am I? Who will I be when I'm 20?

Am I still cute and giggly? Will people still want a 'fun' 'fresh' persona or are they going to start looking at me differently? Do I need to be sexier? Do I need to throw away every aspect of that 'teenager' that's still floating around within me? Do I need to change who I am?

 These are the things that are making me lose myself.


I guess I do need to grow up a bit. I've always been stuck in the past due to the things I've been through - it was like time stopped for me but life kept going around me. I think I feel like it's 2016 and I'm still trying to live out my young 'care free' teens that I didn't necessarily feel like I had.

I guess I'd maybe like to be the kind of person that 'younger' 'teenage' Me needed. The kind of person I would have liked to look up to.

I'd like to be 'care free', like I wish I'd been during High School, but with a little bit of something more 'adult' and 'hot' thrown in there too.

I think I'm just seeking confidence.

But, I really don't know.

I have no idea.

I'm trying to figure out a balance between it all.

I want to grow up. I want to find my confidence - to be 'flirtatious' and 'fun'. I want to become a new 'got her shit together' version of me, but I don't want to lose who I am already in the process of that.



At the end of the day, I like 'Me'.

I'm friendly and kind and, surprisingly, I'm sometimes even funny.

I like the fact that I can make friends easily and people find me approachable. I like the fact that I'm open about things and willing to chat about anything and everything.

I don't want to become some mysterious 'sexy' persona who keeps themselves to themselves and is completely unapproachable. I don't want to be the complete opposite of who I am now.

I need to figure out how to be a bit of both - because that will be 'Me'; that will be 20 year old 'Me'.

"Be the person you needed when you were younger"

I think it's perfectly fine to still want to have a little bit of 'immaturity' left in me, as long as there's a little added 'sexiness' and '"hey, I earn my own money"' thrown in there too.

But, as I said, I just don't know. I'm in some kind of 'who am I?' 'what the fuck am I doing?' limbo.

I guess all I can do is grow up... but just not too much just yet - I can be who I am now, but do that whilst trying to find that confidence and self-esteem I think 20 year old 'Me' deserves.

It doesn't have to happen over-night, right?

Baby, It's Time To Grow Up

I'm 20 this year. I'm going to be 20.

As I think about that, pondering over where the hell my teen years went (seriously, I wasted those on some stupid things), I can't help but feel a little lost. I feel like I don't know who I am or who I'm meant to be.

Sure, I know my name: Holly Rebecca White, I know my hair is ginger, and red lipstick will always be my thing but, for some reason, looking at myself as a person, I can't figure out who I'm meant to be, or who I will be, as a 20 year old girl.


See how I used the word 'girl' there. Not 'woman' - I don't feel like I've hit womanhood yet.

I'm still an insecure teenager. I'm still young and learning. I'm still trying to find my feet - I have no idea what I'm doing.

Well, okay, maybe that's a little lie.

Of course I know that I'm a model and a blogger. My job is basically to be 'Me' all the time; to write about me, what I like, to shoot images of me and go to castings and be myself. But, who actually am I? Who will I be when I'm 20?

Am I still cute and giggly? Will people still want a 'fun' 'fresh' persona or are they going to start looking at me differently? Do I need to be sexier? Do I need to throw away every aspect of that 'teenager' that's still floating around within me? Do I need to change who I am?

 These are the things that are making me lose myself.


I guess I do need to grow up a bit. I've always been stuck in the past due to the things I've been through - it was like time stopped for me but life kept going around me. I think I feel like it's 2016 and I'm still trying to live out my young 'care free' teens that I didn't necessarily feel like I had.

I guess I'd maybe like to be the kind of person that 'younger' 'teenage' Me needed. The kind of person I would have liked to look up to.

I'd like to be 'care free', like I wish I'd been during High School, but with a little bit of something more 'adult' and 'hot' thrown in there too.

I think I'm just seeking confidence.

But, I really don't know.

I have no idea.

I'm trying to figure out a balance between it all.

I want to grow up. I want to find my confidence - to be 'flirtatious' and 'fun'. I want to become a new 'got her shit together' version of me, but I don't want to lose who I am already in the process of that.



At the end of the day, I like 'Me'.

I'm friendly and kind and, surprisingly, I'm sometimes even funny.

I like the fact that I can make friends easily and people find me approachable. I like the fact that I'm open about things and willing to chat about anything and everything.

I don't want to become some mysterious 'sexy' persona who keeps themselves to themselves and is completely unapproachable. I don't want to be the complete opposite of who I am now.

I need to figure out how to be a bit of both - because that will be 'Me'; that will be 20 year old 'Me'.

"Be the person you needed when you were younger"

I think it's perfectly fine to still want to have a little bit of 'immaturity' left in me, as long as there's a little added 'sexiness' and '"hey, I earn my own money"' thrown in there too.

But, as I said, I just don't know. I'm in some kind of 'who am I?' 'what the fuck am I doing?' limbo.

I guess all I can do is grow up... but just not too much just yet - I can be who I am now, but do that whilst trying to find that confidence and self-esteem I think 20 year old 'Me' deserves.

It doesn't have to happen over-night, right?
Read more »

Today is the day, it's officially the launch of Thomas Sabo's Generation Charm Club - reinventing the world of charms!



"I have enough jewellery" - Said no one, ever"

This is so exciting for me: Thomas Sabo are a brand that I truly just love collaborating with and I actually got to model this collection for them at the beginning of the year, which was super super cool.


This collection is all about reinventing the idea of charms and how charms are seen and worn. It was originally launched in 1995 you see, but, Thomas Sabo are looking to make a Charm Club revolution!

Charms are no longer fitting the idea of stereotypical friendship bracelets and sentimental gifting (although that's still the loveliest way to wear pieces like this), but are now used more for styling, have a more 'grown up' look, and are used for layering to add that little bit of something extra to your looks.

Larger charms have been thrown into the mix, meaning that the idea of charm necklaces (which are perfect for layering) rather than the usual bracelets, are coming into play.

That's something which I think is really really unique.



The idea of mixing metals is also something pretty new to the whole idea of charms too.

Usually, you'd never see a silver bracelet with gold charms or a gold bracelet with silver charms, but now, fashion and style is much more free, meaning you are free to mix and match as much as you like!

The same goes for the kind of charms you chose to wear.

For example, I chose a gorgeous vintage letter, a long with a larger moon charm and a gorgeous blue evil eye one too - all from different collections. There's no stopping you taking inspiration from different looks and pieces them all together into something that you love!



Long necklaces are also something new to the Charm Club. They're perfect paired with a group of charms to create a gorgeous 'boho' 'festival' vibe. Plus, there's such a wide selection of charms to chose from at Thomas Sabo - from star signs, to new symbols of love, happiness and nature and even personalized letter charms - there's something for every kind of person to work with!

So, if you're interested in being part of Generation Charm Club too, simply head on over to the Thomas Sabo website by clicking HERE and get creative with some charms yourself!

AD | Launching Generation Charm Club with Thomas Sabo

Today is the day, it's officially the launch of Thomas Sabo's Generation Charm Club - reinventing the world of charms!



"I have enough jewellery" - Said no one, ever"

This is so exciting for me: Thomas Sabo are a brand that I truly just love collaborating with and I actually got to model this collection for them at the beginning of the year, which was super super cool.


This collection is all about reinventing the idea of charms and how charms are seen and worn. It was originally launched in 1995 you see, but, Thomas Sabo are looking to make a Charm Club revolution!

Charms are no longer fitting the idea of stereotypical friendship bracelets and sentimental gifting (although that's still the loveliest way to wear pieces like this), but are now used more for styling, have a more 'grown up' look, and are used for layering to add that little bit of something extra to your looks.

Larger charms have been thrown into the mix, meaning that the idea of charm necklaces (which are perfect for layering) rather than the usual bracelets, are coming into play.

That's something which I think is really really unique.



The idea of mixing metals is also something pretty new to the whole idea of charms too.

Usually, you'd never see a silver bracelet with gold charms or a gold bracelet with silver charms, but now, fashion and style is much more free, meaning you are free to mix and match as much as you like!

The same goes for the kind of charms you chose to wear.

For example, I chose a gorgeous vintage letter, a long with a larger moon charm and a gorgeous blue evil eye one too - all from different collections. There's no stopping you taking inspiration from different looks and pieces them all together into something that you love!



Long necklaces are also something new to the Charm Club. They're perfect paired with a group of charms to create a gorgeous 'boho' 'festival' vibe. Plus, there's such a wide selection of charms to chose from at Thomas Sabo - from star signs, to new symbols of love, happiness and nature and even personalized letter charms - there's something for every kind of person to work with!

So, if you're interested in being part of Generation Charm Club too, simply head on over to the Thomas Sabo website by clicking HERE and get creative with some charms yourself!

Read more »

There are lots of different lessons that I've learnt throughout my (albeit - short and a bit messy) lifetime on this earth. I know that different experiences have influenced my life in different ways, and I've taken little bits of knowledge from each situation I've ever been in.

That's how life works, you see.

We learn, we adapt, we change. That's how we grow.

In my years during Primary/High School, I experienced a lot of different bullying. I was bullied over my appearance, the fact that I was related to my brother (who was picked on excessively too) and just simply for 'not fitting in'. And, honestly, that kind of thing messes with your head for the rest of your life.

Bullying leaves you feeling unworthy, feeling alone, and feeling like every little comment that left you feeling 'worthless' and 'ugly' and 'fat', is completely true.

I have days where I'll replay moments of me being left out of games in Year 6 in my brain, or I'll hear someone calling me a 'weirdo' when I'm feeling down. I'll look in the mirror and remember nasty comments one of the 'popular' girls said about me or I'll remember how hideous I felt in the girl's changing room during PE.

These are the kind of thing that really stay with you.

But, in life, we can either let these things destroy us, or we can fight back. We can either let people tear us down into tiny little pieces or we can glue those pieces back together and create something, bigger and better than before. We can decide that we want to prove those people wrong, show them just how incredible we can be, and finally get rid of that 'unworthy' feeling.

"Grow from the dirt they left you in"


So, what I'm saying is: we need to use what they've done to us, and learn from it.

They've left us sitting in the dirt, and now we need to use that dirt to grow and blossom.

When I think back to teenage girls calling me 'fat' or excluding me from things, I just look at myself now, growing in a career that completely revolves around images of myself and the way I look, as well as being accepted in such a wonderful creative industry.

Or, when I think back to feeling inadequate in school, like I'd never be as smart as my brother (who's always been a total genius) I think about how now, my writing is read from people's laptops, from people's phones, and it helps people, it's relatable for people and people enjoy it.
My writing is good.

Life is a total bitch sometimes - especially as we grow up - but as you get older, you realise how much that 'bitchiness' can empower you. You can channel all that hurt into something brilliant.

So, if you're out there, and you're crumbling to pieces, put those god damn pieces back together. Build yourself back up and show people exactly how much fight you have in you.

Even the 'smallest' 'quietest' 'loneliest' people can do brilliant things.

"Grow From The Dirt They Left You In"

There are lots of different lessons that I've learnt throughout my (albeit - short and a bit messy) lifetime on this earth. I know that different experiences have influenced my life in different ways, and I've taken little bits of knowledge from each situation I've ever been in.

That's how life works, you see.

We learn, we adapt, we change. That's how we grow.

In my years during Primary/High School, I experienced a lot of different bullying. I was bullied over my appearance, the fact that I was related to my brother (who was picked on excessively too) and just simply for 'not fitting in'. And, honestly, that kind of thing messes with your head for the rest of your life.

Bullying leaves you feeling unworthy, feeling alone, and feeling like every little comment that left you feeling 'worthless' and 'ugly' and 'fat', is completely true.

I have days where I'll replay moments of me being left out of games in Year 6 in my brain, or I'll hear someone calling me a 'weirdo' when I'm feeling down. I'll look in the mirror and remember nasty comments one of the 'popular' girls said about me or I'll remember how hideous I felt in the girl's changing room during PE.

These are the kind of thing that really stay with you.

But, in life, we can either let these things destroy us, or we can fight back. We can either let people tear us down into tiny little pieces or we can glue those pieces back together and create something, bigger and better than before. We can decide that we want to prove those people wrong, show them just how incredible we can be, and finally get rid of that 'unworthy' feeling.

"Grow from the dirt they left you in"


So, what I'm saying is: we need to use what they've done to us, and learn from it.

They've left us sitting in the dirt, and now we need to use that dirt to grow and blossom.

When I think back to teenage girls calling me 'fat' or excluding me from things, I just look at myself now, growing in a career that completely revolves around images of myself and the way I look, as well as being accepted in such a wonderful creative industry.

Or, when I think back to feeling inadequate in school, like I'd never be as smart as my brother (who's always been a total genius) I think about how now, my writing is read from people's laptops, from people's phones, and it helps people, it's relatable for people and people enjoy it.
My writing is good.

Life is a total bitch sometimes - especially as we grow up - but as you get older, you realise how much that 'bitchiness' can empower you. You can channel all that hurt into something brilliant.

So, if you're out there, and you're crumbling to pieces, put those god damn pieces back together. Build yourself back up and show people exactly how much fight you have in you.

Even the 'smallest' 'quietest' 'loneliest' people can do brilliant things.
Read more »

So here we are, 6 days into the new year and it's safe to say, so far, it's been totally shit.

I've spent this first week in total 'self-hatred mode', crying myself to sleep, crying when I look in a mirror, and trying to figure out just how the hell I've ended up back in a place that I'd thought, finally, once and for all, I'd actually gotten out of.

But, nope, here I am again - depressed, tired and feeling totally lost.

It's weird, I can actually remember exact moments over the past 6 months where I noticed things changing for me.

You see, in June I got into a relationship - I'd fallen totally head over heels in love and was probably the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. The only problem with that was (not really a problem, but I dunno how else to word that), with relationships comes sex, and with sex comes contraception and, the one main contraception that was offered to me, on that fine day in the Doctors, was 'the pill'. This was even after I had explained my reluctance to take that route, due to being on the pill previously and it turning my life into total hell, but... hey ho!

 So, with that being my 'best option' offered to me that day, and me feeling a little too scared to say anymore (or talk about my sex life and vagina anymore), I went ahead and started Rigevidon (silly silly Holly).

 That's where I noticed everything began turning completely tits up for me.

I began feeling really angry. I felt angry all the time.

I felt anxious and panicky. I felt all of that anxiety, that I'd fought off in the past, come flooding back in again.

I felt down - really really down. I started thinking in ways that I'd not thought in a long time and crying over things that usually wouldn't get to me (and I'm a wimp as it is).

I started getting uncontrollable urges to eat - to eat everything, all the time. I was more tempted by food than I'd ever been in years, and a lot of the feelings surrounding my relationship with food came running back into my brain.

I started feeling 'swollen' and 'achy' all the time and my boobs hurt SO freaking much... MY LORD DID THEY HURT. Sure, I went up a cup size, but I felt like someone had punched me in the chest on a daily basis.

And, then, I think the thing that has ruined me most is that, all of this tied up into one tiny little pill, had, and has, managed to drag every little ounce of confidence that I'd built up over the past 3 years, and pull it right out of me again.

I simply just can't explain how that makes me feel.

I just feel like I've become a total different person.

Now, I'm not saying that these things in my life wouldn't have happened if I wasn't taking the pill - they probably could have done - but, there's no doubt in my mind that this is where things starting feeling 'bad' for me again. There's no doubt in my mind that the minute I put Rigevidon into my body, something in my head changed, switched, and made me feel the way I'm feeling now.

So, I've stopped taking the little bugger. *Hallelujah*

GOODBYE TO RIGEVIDON.

There's no going back to that tiny little thing ever ever again.

*This isn't to say that this pill is wrong for everyone, or that the pill is bad all together. I may consider a different brand of pill in the future (I've had recommendations from people in similar situations) or I may just go on to use the Injection or Coil etc etc. But, for now, Rigevidon was wrong for me, that's the only point I'm making*

In fact, that's not the only thing I've decided to say goodbye to.

I've decided to say goodbye to my new-found 'binge eating', 'crying', and 'stressing out' lifestyle that seemed to tag itself along the taking of Rigevidon.

I've started working out, eating better again and writing a lot more too. I've started to focus on getting my confidence back again, rather than crying into a double cheese burger and saying 'what's happened to me?!'. 

 I'm taking control of my life, because these past few months have sent me completely out of control, and I absolutely hate it.

Even little things like wearing less make up and a simple red lip, are making me feel a little more like 'myself' as each day goes on.

So, yes, I've been feeling pretty damn blue. I've been down in the dumps. And, sure, this may even go on for the entirety of January, or even February if it's really that bad, but eventually, if I work at myself and my happiness, I'm going to be back to my old self in no time (maybe an even better version of myself would be nice!).

Let's Talk About The Pill

So here we are, 6 days into the new year and it's safe to say, so far, it's been totally shit.

I've spent this first week in total 'self-hatred mode', crying myself to sleep, crying when I look in a mirror, and trying to figure out just how the hell I've ended up back in a place that I'd thought, finally, once and for all, I'd actually gotten out of.

But, nope, here I am again - depressed, tired and feeling totally lost.

It's weird, I can actually remember exact moments over the past 6 months where I noticed things changing for me.

You see, in June I got into a relationship - I'd fallen totally head over heels in love and was probably the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. The only problem with that was (not really a problem, but I dunno how else to word that), with relationships comes sex, and with sex comes contraception and, the one main contraception that was offered to me, on that fine day in the Doctors, was 'the pill'. This was even after I had explained my reluctance to take that route, due to being on the pill previously and it turning my life into total hell, but... hey ho!

 So, with that being my 'best option' offered to me that day, and me feeling a little too scared to say anymore (or talk about my sex life and vagina anymore), I went ahead and started Rigevidon (silly silly Holly).

 That's where I noticed everything began turning completely tits up for me.

I began feeling really angry. I felt angry all the time.

I felt anxious and panicky. I felt all of that anxiety, that I'd fought off in the past, come flooding back in again.

I felt down - really really down. I started thinking in ways that I'd not thought in a long time and crying over things that usually wouldn't get to me (and I'm a wimp as it is).

I started getting uncontrollable urges to eat - to eat everything, all the time. I was more tempted by food than I'd ever been in years, and a lot of the feelings surrounding my relationship with food came running back into my brain.

I started feeling 'swollen' and 'achy' all the time and my boobs hurt SO freaking much... MY LORD DID THEY HURT. Sure, I went up a cup size, but I felt like someone had punched me in the chest on a daily basis.

And, then, I think the thing that has ruined me most is that, all of this tied up into one tiny little pill, had, and has, managed to drag every little ounce of confidence that I'd built up over the past 3 years, and pull it right out of me again.

I simply just can't explain how that makes me feel.

I just feel like I've become a total different person.

Now, I'm not saying that these things in my life wouldn't have happened if I wasn't taking the pill - they probably could have done - but, there's no doubt in my mind that this is where things starting feeling 'bad' for me again. There's no doubt in my mind that the minute I put Rigevidon into my body, something in my head changed, switched, and made me feel the way I'm feeling now.

So, I've stopped taking the little bugger. *Hallelujah*

GOODBYE TO RIGEVIDON.

There's no going back to that tiny little thing ever ever again.

*This isn't to say that this pill is wrong for everyone, or that the pill is bad all together. I may consider a different brand of pill in the future (I've had recommendations from people in similar situations) or I may just go on to use the Injection or Coil etc etc. But, for now, Rigevidon was wrong for me, that's the only point I'm making*

In fact, that's not the only thing I've decided to say goodbye to.

I've decided to say goodbye to my new-found 'binge eating', 'crying', and 'stressing out' lifestyle that seemed to tag itself along the taking of Rigevidon.

I've started working out, eating better again and writing a lot more too. I've started to focus on getting my confidence back again, rather than crying into a double cheese burger and saying 'what's happened to me?!'. 

 I'm taking control of my life, because these past few months have sent me completely out of control, and I absolutely hate it.

Even little things like wearing less make up and a simple red lip, are making me feel a little more like 'myself' as each day goes on.

So, yes, I've been feeling pretty damn blue. I've been down in the dumps. And, sure, this may even go on for the entirety of January, or even February if it's really that bad, but eventually, if I work at myself and my happiness, I'm going to be back to my old self in no time (maybe an even better version of myself would be nice!).
Read more »

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