I said in my last post that, for the first time in a long time, I was finally made to truly 'feel' again. For the past 3 years, I can honestly say that I've lost the ability to feel a lot of emotion. When I laugh, I can often still feel very empty inside - it's like my body is laughing, but my heart and my mind are frozen still, not feeling or doing a thing. And yeah, you might think that that sounds incredibly sad, and I suppose it is, but I think I'm just grateful that there are moments that I laugh and smile, even if I don't feel much when it happens. I think my body has just become taken over by a numbness, almost like a protective coat, armoring me from anything bad, but yet, I can safely say, the bad can still get in.





I don't necessarily want this to be a negative blog post, so just hear me out a little bit...

Right now, I'd say I'm probably the happiest I've ever been. My blog is growing, I've met some amazing new friends over the past few months, whilst also seeing and chatting to old ones, and I'm growing more and more content by the day. However, I can quite honestly say that, I am still a very sad person. There are still dark corners of my mind that sometimes get to me, there are days where I wake up and feel empty and like all I want to do is cry and go back to bed and there are moments that I'm just simply not 'OK'.

You see, I've never said I was 'fixed', but I think I tend to give off the persona that I am. Online, I chat and give people advice because, I'll be honest, I do feel pretty knowledgeable about how to deal with those kinds of things, and I think that people see that and think 'woah, she's recovered, she's fixed, it's a miracle', when really, even when I'm at one of the most happiest points of my life, the sad thoughts and the dark emotions can creep in.




BAG - MANGO // SUNGLASSES - DEPOP  // NECKLACE - LOVE ME BEAUTY

I woke up on the second day of LFW, looked in the mirror and thought 'I hate myself'. I looked at my body and wanted to curl up and hide away so that nobody could see me. Body Dysmorphia was in full swing and all I could see was this horrid, disgusting, warped version of myself. I felt bloated and swollen and like I was slowly ballooning by the minute. I had a tiny spot inbetween my eye brows that just seemed to expand every time I looked at it, and I'd had the worst nights sleep ever - I just didn't feel as amazing as I would have liked to have woken up and felt.

Despite that, I told myself to remain positive. I wasn't going to let this spoil my trip to London - I was here to having an amazing time, so that was what I was going to do. And so, after venting and receiving some fabulous motivational advice from my angel, Beth, and giving myself a good talking to, I pushed through it and throughout the day I was happy - sooooo incredibly happy - there's absolutely no denying it. I was in my element; I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. But, I guess, there's also no denying the fact that there was still that inkling of sadness within me at the same time. Eventhough I knew I was happy, I also knew that the moment I got home, I would come tumbling back to reality and be dealing with the Body Dysmorphia (and everything that goes along with it) from HELL. I knew that all the indulging and the fun I was having would hit home with that nasty part of my brain once I returned back home, and I was right.





SKIRT - DEPOP // EARRINGS - VINTAGE

At this very moment, I feel like crap - I feel like an ugly blob. My mind is niggling away at me and I'm overwhelmed with work. I'm stressed and my skin is breaking out. I'm tired and the idea of the busy week ahead of me is making my chest tight and my legs tired. Yet, I can still safely say that, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I still feel content with my life, I still feel grateful to be doing what I'm doing and living my life. I am happy... but I'm also sad. Can I be both at once? 

Maybe because I'm so used to dealing with it all, I've become able to separate my happiness from my sadness. I know how to fight against the negative feelings, and maybe that's created a protective barrier around the happiness that I now have. Maybe I've mentally become able to stop them merging together and allowing the dark thoughts to win. Who knows? But either way, I truly think it's possible to be feeling both emotions simultaneously. It's possible for me to be both incredibly happy and yet still be struggling and dealing with sadness at the exact same time.




SHOES - OFFICE // LIPSTICK - SMASHBOX // RING - PRIMARK

This is the thing - despite how happy, content and 'well' somebody may seem... everybody has their stuff. Everyone has their own things to deal with, their ups and downs and their darker days. The online word can be sooo deceiving and sometimes, no matter how many amazing comments or likes my Instagram post gets, it's not going to make my mental health any better. But, similarly, that doesn't mean that when I post something positive on Instagram, or say that 'I'm the happiest I've ever been', that I'm lying. It just means that I'm feeling more than just 'happy' or I'm feeling more than just 'sad'; I'm a human being after all, and we're such complex beings - I'm not sure it's fair to pin point yourself as one definite emotion.

It's totally possible for me to be the happiest I've ever been whilst also being incredibly sad. And, it's also possible to be the saddest you've ever been whilst also be incredibly happy. There are emotions within emotions - we don't just always feel one specific thing - there are a million things running through our minds, no matter how much we try and help it.

To give you an example of what I'm trying to get at, I remember during my early recovery, my Mum and Dad took me on a trip to Brighton (somewhere I'd always wanted to go). I was still feeling very low at that time, still struggling and feeling pretty overwhelmingly sad. But, there was this moment where my Mum was historically laughing whilst we were walking down the street (so hard that we had to stop walking altogether and just stand whilst she laughed), and we'd stopped outside a restaurant where everyone in the window could see us. Her laughter was so funny and contagious that it started to make me, my Dad and everyone in the restaurant window start laughing too. Everyone was just uncontrollably laughing. It was in that moment that I had this incredible moment of happiness within my sadness - I was feeling happy, but overall I was sad - I was feeling both at once.

I suppose, the thing is, we wouldn't be able to define our happiness without a bit of sadness, and we wouldn't be able to define our sadness without feeling a bit of happiness - the two go hand in hand. And, as awful as it is to feel one more than the other sometimes, it's OK to be feeling it. It's OK to feel both at once. It's OK to be confused or muddled or a little bit numb.





I am incredibly happy. I had an amazing time at London Fashion Week. I got to surround myself with amazing people, see great things and spend time with a lovely like-minded gal (who I am so bloody glad that I met by the way). But, that doesn't stop me from dealing with my mental health issues or feeling a bit crappy. The world keeps turning, even if we don't really want it to.

I think it's just having the power to be able to separate the two emotions, and feel them separately, despite feeling it all at once.

Do any of you know what I mean? Let me know if you're able to relate to this, because it's something that's become sooo apparent to me recently and I do wonder whether I'm the only one feeling it. Are you happy but also simultaneously sad? It's a weird thought, but I really believe it.

Shop this look here:



Can You Be Happy And Sad At The Same Time? - LFW DAY 2


I said in my last post that, for the first time in a long time, I was finally made to truly 'feel' again. For the past 3 years, I can honestly say that I've lost the ability to feel a lot of emotion. When I laugh, I can often still feel very empty inside - it's like my body is laughing, but my heart and my mind are frozen still, not feeling or doing a thing. And yeah, you might think that that sounds incredibly sad, and I suppose it is, but I think I'm just grateful that there are moments that I laugh and smile, even if I don't feel much when it happens. I think my body has just become taken over by a numbness, almost like a protective coat, armoring me from anything bad, but yet, I can safely say, the bad can still get in.





I don't necessarily want this to be a negative blog post, so just hear me out a little bit...

Right now, I'd say I'm probably the happiest I've ever been. My blog is growing, I've met some amazing new friends over the past few months, whilst also seeing and chatting to old ones, and I'm growing more and more content by the day. However, I can quite honestly say that, I am still a very sad person. There are still dark corners of my mind that sometimes get to me, there are days where I wake up and feel empty and like all I want to do is cry and go back to bed and there are moments that I'm just simply not 'OK'.

You see, I've never said I was 'fixed', but I think I tend to give off the persona that I am. Online, I chat and give people advice because, I'll be honest, I do feel pretty knowledgeable about how to deal with those kinds of things, and I think that people see that and think 'woah, she's recovered, she's fixed, it's a miracle', when really, even when I'm at one of the most happiest points of my life, the sad thoughts and the dark emotions can creep in.




BAG - MANGO // SUNGLASSES - DEPOP  // NECKLACE - LOVE ME BEAUTY

I woke up on the second day of LFW, looked in the mirror and thought 'I hate myself'. I looked at my body and wanted to curl up and hide away so that nobody could see me. Body Dysmorphia was in full swing and all I could see was this horrid, disgusting, warped version of myself. I felt bloated and swollen and like I was slowly ballooning by the minute. I had a tiny spot inbetween my eye brows that just seemed to expand every time I looked at it, and I'd had the worst nights sleep ever - I just didn't feel as amazing as I would have liked to have woken up and felt.

Despite that, I told myself to remain positive. I wasn't going to let this spoil my trip to London - I was here to having an amazing time, so that was what I was going to do. And so, after venting and receiving some fabulous motivational advice from my angel, Beth, and giving myself a good talking to, I pushed through it and throughout the day I was happy - sooooo incredibly happy - there's absolutely no denying it. I was in my element; I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. But, I guess, there's also no denying the fact that there was still that inkling of sadness within me at the same time. Eventhough I knew I was happy, I also knew that the moment I got home, I would come tumbling back to reality and be dealing with the Body Dysmorphia (and everything that goes along with it) from HELL. I knew that all the indulging and the fun I was having would hit home with that nasty part of my brain once I returned back home, and I was right.





SKIRT - DEPOP // EARRINGS - VINTAGE

At this very moment, I feel like crap - I feel like an ugly blob. My mind is niggling away at me and I'm overwhelmed with work. I'm stressed and my skin is breaking out. I'm tired and the idea of the busy week ahead of me is making my chest tight and my legs tired. Yet, I can still safely say that, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I still feel content with my life, I still feel grateful to be doing what I'm doing and living my life. I am happy... but I'm also sad. Can I be both at once? 

Maybe because I'm so used to dealing with it all, I've become able to separate my happiness from my sadness. I know how to fight against the negative feelings, and maybe that's created a protective barrier around the happiness that I now have. Maybe I've mentally become able to stop them merging together and allowing the dark thoughts to win. Who knows? But either way, I truly think it's possible to be feeling both emotions simultaneously. It's possible for me to be both incredibly happy and yet still be struggling and dealing with sadness at the exact same time.




SHOES - OFFICE // LIPSTICK - SMASHBOX // RING - PRIMARK

This is the thing - despite how happy, content and 'well' somebody may seem... everybody has their stuff. Everyone has their own things to deal with, their ups and downs and their darker days. The online word can be sooo deceiving and sometimes, no matter how many amazing comments or likes my Instagram post gets, it's not going to make my mental health any better. But, similarly, that doesn't mean that when I post something positive on Instagram, or say that 'I'm the happiest I've ever been', that I'm lying. It just means that I'm feeling more than just 'happy' or I'm feeling more than just 'sad'; I'm a human being after all, and we're such complex beings - I'm not sure it's fair to pin point yourself as one definite emotion.

It's totally possible for me to be the happiest I've ever been whilst also being incredibly sad. And, it's also possible to be the saddest you've ever been whilst also be incredibly happy. There are emotions within emotions - we don't just always feel one specific thing - there are a million things running through our minds, no matter how much we try and help it.

To give you an example of what I'm trying to get at, I remember during my early recovery, my Mum and Dad took me on a trip to Brighton (somewhere I'd always wanted to go). I was still feeling very low at that time, still struggling and feeling pretty overwhelmingly sad. But, there was this moment where my Mum was historically laughing whilst we were walking down the street (so hard that we had to stop walking altogether and just stand whilst she laughed), and we'd stopped outside a restaurant where everyone in the window could see us. Her laughter was so funny and contagious that it started to make me, my Dad and everyone in the restaurant window start laughing too. Everyone was just uncontrollably laughing. It was in that moment that I had this incredible moment of happiness within my sadness - I was feeling happy, but overall I was sad - I was feeling both at once.

I suppose, the thing is, we wouldn't be able to define our happiness without a bit of sadness, and we wouldn't be able to define our sadness without feeling a bit of happiness - the two go hand in hand. And, as awful as it is to feel one more than the other sometimes, it's OK to be feeling it. It's OK to feel both at once. It's OK to be confused or muddled or a little bit numb.





I am incredibly happy. I had an amazing time at London Fashion Week. I got to surround myself with amazing people, see great things and spend time with a lovely like-minded gal (who I am so bloody glad that I met by the way). But, that doesn't stop me from dealing with my mental health issues or feeling a bit crappy. The world keeps turning, even if we don't really want it to.

I think it's just having the power to be able to separate the two emotions, and feel them separately, despite feeling it all at once.

Do any of you know what I mean? Let me know if you're able to relate to this, because it's something that's become sooo apparent to me recently and I do wonder whether I'm the only one feeling it. Are you happy but also simultaneously sad? It's a weird thought, but I really believe it.

Shop this look here:





"Here's to the fools who dream, crazy as they may seem"

As I write this, I am sat soundly in my comfy bed feeling like I've just been through a huge whirlwind. I've just got back from two fabulous days at London Fashion Week - something that I wasn't planning on doing until the very last minute. And, despite not attending huge runway shows or being invited to masses of events, I, and the lovely Beth Elstone, managed to keep ourselves incredibly busy and have a bloody fab time whilst doing it. 

Being amidst London Fashion Week, even for just those two days, really reminded me of how far I've come. And, I'm sorry, I know I write a lot of these kinds of posts, but I am just feeling incredibly reflective right now. 





COAT - VINTAGE // LIPSTICK - SMASHBOX 

You see, a week or so ago, I also went to see La La Land. This film delved deep into my very soul (and I don't even believe in souls), it hit me right in the heart; it made me smile, it made me laugh, it made me cry - it made me feel, and it was that motion of 'feeling' that really reminded me to reflect, to look back and to see the journey I've come on.

I'm always someone who has been a bit of a dreamer, despite also being a total realist. I don't believe in ghosts, or aliens, or miracles, but I do believe in achieving and dreaming and doing. I believe that if you put your mind to something, and want it hard enough, then you can do absolutely anything you want to do. Ever since I was younger, I have pictured myself doing something out of the ordinary. I wanted to preform, be an actress, be a radio presenter, be a film-trailer editor - I just wanted to do something I loved. I wanted to live a passionate life - a life that would never bore me. For a while, I stuck to my realist ways (not that there's anything wrong with doing so, it just wasn't for me) and was going to just go down the traditional route. You know, go to college, get my a-levels, go to Uni, get a degree, get a job, etc etc. But, when I dropped out of college back in 2014, because of my health, it made me realise that I wasn't going to be able to live a life if I wasn't going to be happy living it.




EARRINGS - VINTAGE // DRESS - VERA MODA

"Here's to the hearts that ache. Here's to the mess we make."

I could have become more ill, things could have got much worse, and that's a scary thought. I had to start living again - I had to pursue something that I loved and that I wanted to live for. And, for a long time, I had nothing. I had lost all purpose. I didn't know where I was going, what I was doing and, quite honestly, I felt completely numb to life and I saw no point.

Gradually, things started to look up. Each tiny little step I took each day gave me that 0.1% of extra motivation to get back to being happy again, and then, one day, something sparked a thought in my brain. "A blog". I had created a blog back in the summer of 2014, before even starting at college, but I never really did anything with it. It was 'Holly Loves The Simple Things' and when I remembered that it was there, it was like all my purpose came flooding back.

I have spent the past 8 years reading blogs, watching YouTube and being completely and utterly obsessed with the online universe - now I was going to get to be a part of it all too.





Starting with photos taken on my Samsung Galaxy S6 (yes, really), I'd take cute flat-lay pictures and share them to Instagram. My Instagram had a theme and I used the same VSCO filter continuously. I wrote beauty reviews and spoke about products I was loving. I never showed my face out of fear of being judged or drawing attention to myself, but then, as more and more people started reading and following, I began to lose interest in the beauty side of things and this huge passion for fashion (a unintentional Bratz reference for you there) came flooding forward.

I'd always loved clothes, yet after such a long time of wallowing around in my pyjamas, I had completely forgotten what it felt like to put together an outfit and style myself up like I was in a 'make-over' scene of a RomCom. I posted my first, I guess what you'd call, 'outfit photo', with my face in, on Instagram on the 1st March 2015 and it got the same amount of likes that some of my posts do now (although, back then there was no shitty ass algorithm lol), which was just crazy!

That's when I threw myself into it. I wanted it. It became my new dream, my new 'want' in life.

When I think about that sad girl who used to feel lost and alone, and I compare her to the person I am today, I feel incredibly overwhelmed. I mean, look at how far I've come. At first blogging felt like a foolish dream and yet here I am. After working my ass off, I'm here and I genuinely feel like my life is becoming a dream come true.

I think about the day when I dropped out of college, or the day when I was diagnosed with Anorexia and I remember the hate I had for myself and the way I looked. I just wanted to love myself. And hey, 2 and a half years on and I'm a model and I'm probably the most accepting of myself I've ever been. This feels like madness to me.



SHOES - NEW LOOK // NAIL VARNISH - OPI // RING - PRIMARK

That's what La La Land reminded me of. It took me back through everything I've been through and it squeezed me tight and it said 'Hol, look at this. Look where you were and look where you are'. And, I couldn't help but think of that whilst at London Fashion Week. 

I've been through a lot of change, a lot of hurt and a lot of challenges, but I know that deep down, even in my darkest times, there was always that part of me that would dream - even if I was dreaming of better days, just a little bit, it's still dreaming. And, it feels weird to now be in those 'better days' and to be doing things that I never could have imagined. It feels weird to think about the days where I'd imagine bumping into bloggers I love on the street and what I'd say to them, and now I'm amongst all that - I bump into bloggers and we chat like we know each other and I'm attending events with creators that I've idolized for years. It really is surreal. And although, no, I wouldn't say my dream is accomplished just yet, right now it's slowly starting to feel like it's taking off. I feel like things are happening, there's movement, there's motion and it's so exciting.





I'd say it's the song 'Audition' from La La Land that really hits home with me (if you couldn't already tell from the title). The words in it just completely grab me and transport me into a whole different place. "Here's to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem" (using a quote like this makes me feel like I'm doing an English Lit exam lol) hearing that line just strikes a chord with me every time I hear it. We all seem foolish when trying to achieve things. There are going to be people in our way, there are going to obstacles to get through, but if you dream and work and try, you will get there. I would never in a million years have imagined I would have a pretty successful (If I do say so myself) blog and be modelling and getting to do all the amazing things that I get to do. I spent so much time imagining myself in the position I am today, but it never seemed real... yet, look, now it is.

I think about the line "She lived in her liquor and died with a flicker, I'll always remember the flame"  and there's something about that that just makes all of my emotion pour out. I think about the illnesses I've dealt with, the obsessions I've had and I wonder whether if I hadn't have recovered, would people remember the 'flame'? Was there even a 'flame' anymore to remember? And, then it reminds me that, woah, now I am a flame. (I feel so artsy talking in metaphorical terms haha) I'm doing good, I'm achieving things, I feel content, and this is the part of me that I would want people to remember.



"I'm letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I'll hit back"

I so often use the word 'feel' but I never truly mean it.

I'll be honest, I've become pretty numb after all this time, but for the first time in a while, I've really began to feel some emotion. I felt those words in that song hit my heart with a big ol' punch and I looked around all the amazing fashion bloggers, photographers and stylists etc, at London Fashion Week and I felt excitement - I felt happy; I felt the hurt I used to feel and I feel the happiness I feel now. I really really felt it. And, at this moment in time, it's great to say that something has allowed me to feel again, even if it is just for this moment.


Shop the look here:


Here's To The Fools Who Dream - LFW DAY 1



"Here's to the fools who dream, crazy as they may seem"

As I write this, I am sat soundly in my comfy bed feeling like I've just been through a huge whirlwind. I've just got back from two fabulous days at London Fashion Week - something that I wasn't planning on doing until the very last minute. And, despite not attending huge runway shows or being invited to masses of events, I, and the lovely Beth Elstone, managed to keep ourselves incredibly busy and have a bloody fab time whilst doing it. 

Being amidst London Fashion Week, even for just those two days, really reminded me of how far I've come. And, I'm sorry, I know I write a lot of these kinds of posts, but I am just feeling incredibly reflective right now. 





COAT - VINTAGE // LIPSTICK - SMASHBOX 

You see, a week or so ago, I also went to see La La Land. This film delved deep into my very soul (and I don't even believe in souls), it hit me right in the heart; it made me smile, it made me laugh, it made me cry - it made me feel, and it was that motion of 'feeling' that really reminded me to reflect, to look back and to see the journey I've come on.

I'm always someone who has been a bit of a dreamer, despite also being a total realist. I don't believe in ghosts, or aliens, or miracles, but I do believe in achieving and dreaming and doing. I believe that if you put your mind to something, and want it hard enough, then you can do absolutely anything you want to do. Ever since I was younger, I have pictured myself doing something out of the ordinary. I wanted to preform, be an actress, be a radio presenter, be a film-trailer editor - I just wanted to do something I loved. I wanted to live a passionate life - a life that would never bore me. For a while, I stuck to my realist ways (not that there's anything wrong with doing so, it just wasn't for me) and was going to just go down the traditional route. You know, go to college, get my a-levels, go to Uni, get a degree, get a job, etc etc. But, when I dropped out of college back in 2014, because of my health, it made me realise that I wasn't going to be able to live a life if I wasn't going to be happy living it.




EARRINGS - VINTAGE // DRESS - VERA MODA

"Here's to the hearts that ache. Here's to the mess we make."

I could have become more ill, things could have got much worse, and that's a scary thought. I had to start living again - I had to pursue something that I loved and that I wanted to live for. And, for a long time, I had nothing. I had lost all purpose. I didn't know where I was going, what I was doing and, quite honestly, I felt completely numb to life and I saw no point.

Gradually, things started to look up. Each tiny little step I took each day gave me that 0.1% of extra motivation to get back to being happy again, and then, one day, something sparked a thought in my brain. "A blog". I had created a blog back in the summer of 2014, before even starting at college, but I never really did anything with it. It was 'Holly Loves The Simple Things' and when I remembered that it was there, it was like all my purpose came flooding back.

I have spent the past 8 years reading blogs, watching YouTube and being completely and utterly obsessed with the online universe - now I was going to get to be a part of it all too.





Starting with photos taken on my Samsung Galaxy S6 (yes, really), I'd take cute flat-lay pictures and share them to Instagram. My Instagram had a theme and I used the same VSCO filter continuously. I wrote beauty reviews and spoke about products I was loving. I never showed my face out of fear of being judged or drawing attention to myself, but then, as more and more people started reading and following, I began to lose interest in the beauty side of things and this huge passion for fashion (a unintentional Bratz reference for you there) came flooding forward.

I'd always loved clothes, yet after such a long time of wallowing around in my pyjamas, I had completely forgotten what it felt like to put together an outfit and style myself up like I was in a 'make-over' scene of a RomCom. I posted my first, I guess what you'd call, 'outfit photo', with my face in, on Instagram on the 1st March 2015 and it got the same amount of likes that some of my posts do now (although, back then there was no shitty ass algorithm lol), which was just crazy!

That's when I threw myself into it. I wanted it. It became my new dream, my new 'want' in life.

When I think about that sad girl who used to feel lost and alone, and I compare her to the person I am today, I feel incredibly overwhelmed. I mean, look at how far I've come. At first blogging felt like a foolish dream and yet here I am. After working my ass off, I'm here and I genuinely feel like my life is becoming a dream come true.

I think about the day when I dropped out of college, or the day when I was diagnosed with Anorexia and I remember the hate I had for myself and the way I looked. I just wanted to love myself. And hey, 2 and a half years on and I'm a model and I'm probably the most accepting of myself I've ever been. This feels like madness to me.



SHOES - NEW LOOK // NAIL VARNISH - OPI // RING - PRIMARK

That's what La La Land reminded me of. It took me back through everything I've been through and it squeezed me tight and it said 'Hol, look at this. Look where you were and look where you are'. And, I couldn't help but think of that whilst at London Fashion Week. 

I've been through a lot of change, a lot of hurt and a lot of challenges, but I know that deep down, even in my darkest times, there was always that part of me that would dream - even if I was dreaming of better days, just a little bit, it's still dreaming. And, it feels weird to now be in those 'better days' and to be doing things that I never could have imagined. It feels weird to think about the days where I'd imagine bumping into bloggers I love on the street and what I'd say to them, and now I'm amongst all that - I bump into bloggers and we chat like we know each other and I'm attending events with creators that I've idolized for years. It really is surreal. And although, no, I wouldn't say my dream is accomplished just yet, right now it's slowly starting to feel like it's taking off. I feel like things are happening, there's movement, there's motion and it's so exciting.





I'd say it's the song 'Audition' from La La Land that really hits home with me (if you couldn't already tell from the title). The words in it just completely grab me and transport me into a whole different place. "Here's to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem" (using a quote like this makes me feel like I'm doing an English Lit exam lol) hearing that line just strikes a chord with me every time I hear it. We all seem foolish when trying to achieve things. There are going to be people in our way, there are going to obstacles to get through, but if you dream and work and try, you will get there. I would never in a million years have imagined I would have a pretty successful (If I do say so myself) blog and be modelling and getting to do all the amazing things that I get to do. I spent so much time imagining myself in the position I am today, but it never seemed real... yet, look, now it is.

I think about the line "She lived in her liquor and died with a flicker, I'll always remember the flame"  and there's something about that that just makes all of my emotion pour out. I think about the illnesses I've dealt with, the obsessions I've had and I wonder whether if I hadn't have recovered, would people remember the 'flame'? Was there even a 'flame' anymore to remember? And, then it reminds me that, woah, now I am a flame. (I feel so artsy talking in metaphorical terms haha) I'm doing good, I'm achieving things, I feel content, and this is the part of me that I would want people to remember.



"I'm letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I'll hit back"

I so often use the word 'feel' but I never truly mean it.

I'll be honest, I've become pretty numb after all this time, but for the first time in a while, I've really began to feel some emotion. I felt those words in that song hit my heart with a big ol' punch and I looked around all the amazing fashion bloggers, photographers and stylists etc, at London Fashion Week and I felt excitement - I felt happy; I felt the hurt I used to feel and I feel the happiness I feel now. I really really felt it. And, at this moment in time, it's great to say that something has allowed me to feel again, even if it is just for this moment.


Shop the look here:



My initial reaction to a lot of things is simply: be angry. I tend to get wound up, frustrated and irritated, and it sends my negative instincts to forefront of my mind. I react instantly to things, usually in a situation that triggers negative emotions, in such a frustrated and angry way, but then 30 seconds later after I've taken a deep breath and allowed my rational thoughts to kick in, I can react how I would genuinely like to react.

You see, sometimes it's hard to fight through the irrational thoughts when you're in a situation where you need to react instantly. There's no time for deep breaths and allowing your brain to process things, sometimes things just need to happen.

I'm not necessarily talking about anything huge, I deal with this most often during day-to-day conversation. Sometimes someone might do or say something that triggers my brain to get upset. Sometimes, whilst the rational part of my brain will know something is a minor inconvenience or not a big deal, the irrational part of my brain will like to make a big deal out of it.




For example, sometimes I can be chatting with someone and they'll say things that instantly make a part of my mind scream 'they're saying you're *insert some kind of insecurity here*' or they'll do something that makes something in my head just 'tick'. I'll react angrily and defensively, calling them out on it. Usually, this makes whoever I'm with feel a bit confused and they probably stand there thinking 'Urm, what is happening right now? I didn't say that.' Then, after about 5/10 mins of me arguing with whoever, defending my feelings, and trying to twist things so that my irrational thoughts can win the argument, I take a deep breath and I think 'crap, they didn't mean that at all', and I'll have caused a whole load of upset for nothing.

I really do wish that I could remain calm. I wish I didn't react with that part of my brain first, but I do.




I'm working on it though - I guess the first step is realising that's what is happening. I've started to notice myself doing it and then I've tried to take just a short moment to think, before I react even further, and now, rather than blowing things way out of proportion, I try to remain calmer, more clear-minded.

Sometimes the way that I initially react isn't really how I want to react to the situation, sometimes it's just my brain taking over. It happens so much to me everyday; I've really built up a wall to protect myself from people after everything I've been through and so, I've become incredibly defensive.

I want people to understand that sometimes the way I react things initially, isn't really how I would react, but it's how my mental illnesses make me react.



When someone does something to inconvenience my OCD habits for example, I often feel incredibly angry and the frustration just fills me instantly. My instant reaction, therefore, comes across in a horrible, angered way. However, if you give me a second to breathe and tell myself that it's fine and that they're not doing anything wrong, my head is just being obsessive, then I'm completely and totally fine. I'm clear minded and I can control what I'm thinking again.

"Stay calm within the chaos"

I basically just need a minute to deal with certain things from time to time, and I hope people can understand that. I know that the world can't constantly be waiting for me to have a word with myself, but... you know, if there's time, let me try my best to work through it.

Do any of you relate to this? Or am I just a little angry ginger with a lot of issues? hahaha. Let me know down in the comments, I'd love to hear if you deal with anything similar and how you've learnt to rectify it.

Shop the look:


The Initial Reaction - Why Do I Get So Angry?


My initial reaction to a lot of things is simply: be angry. I tend to get wound up, frustrated and irritated, and it sends my negative instincts to forefront of my mind. I react instantly to things, usually in a situation that triggers negative emotions, in such a frustrated and angry way, but then 30 seconds later after I've taken a deep breath and allowed my rational thoughts to kick in, I can react how I would genuinely like to react.

You see, sometimes it's hard to fight through the irrational thoughts when you're in a situation where you need to react instantly. There's no time for deep breaths and allowing your brain to process things, sometimes things just need to happen.

I'm not necessarily talking about anything huge, I deal with this most often during day-to-day conversation. Sometimes someone might do or say something that triggers my brain to get upset. Sometimes, whilst the rational part of my brain will know something is a minor inconvenience or not a big deal, the irrational part of my brain will like to make a big deal out of it.




For example, sometimes I can be chatting with someone and they'll say things that instantly make a part of my mind scream 'they're saying you're *insert some kind of insecurity here*' or they'll do something that makes something in my head just 'tick'. I'll react angrily and defensively, calling them out on it. Usually, this makes whoever I'm with feel a bit confused and they probably stand there thinking 'Urm, what is happening right now? I didn't say that.' Then, after about 5/10 mins of me arguing with whoever, defending my feelings, and trying to twist things so that my irrational thoughts can win the argument, I take a deep breath and I think 'crap, they didn't mean that at all', and I'll have caused a whole load of upset for nothing.

I really do wish that I could remain calm. I wish I didn't react with that part of my brain first, but I do.




I'm working on it though - I guess the first step is realising that's what is happening. I've started to notice myself doing it and then I've tried to take just a short moment to think, before I react even further, and now, rather than blowing things way out of proportion, I try to remain calmer, more clear-minded.

Sometimes the way that I initially react isn't really how I want to react to the situation, sometimes it's just my brain taking over. It happens so much to me everyday; I've really built up a wall to protect myself from people after everything I've been through and so, I've become incredibly defensive.

I want people to understand that sometimes the way I react things initially, isn't really how I would react, but it's how my mental illnesses make me react.



When someone does something to inconvenience my OCD habits for example, I often feel incredibly angry and the frustration just fills me instantly. My instant reaction, therefore, comes across in a horrible, angered way. However, if you give me a second to breathe and tell myself that it's fine and that they're not doing anything wrong, my head is just being obsessive, then I'm completely and totally fine. I'm clear minded and I can control what I'm thinking again.

"Stay calm within the chaos"

I basically just need a minute to deal with certain things from time to time, and I hope people can understand that. I know that the world can't constantly be waiting for me to have a word with myself, but... you know, if there's time, let me try my best to work through it.

Do any of you relate to this? Or am I just a little angry ginger with a lot of issues? hahaha. Let me know down in the comments, I'd love to hear if you deal with anything similar and how you've learnt to rectify it.

Shop the look:



With Valentines day upon us and the 'New In' section on ASOS filling up with beautiful lingerie, I am suddenly feeling a little 'meh'. Don't get me wrong, I love Valentine's Day; I'm all for cheesy holidays, and taking a day or two to celebrate the people that we love however, one thing that springs to mind when I think of Valentine's Day is 'sex' and the act of being 'sexy', something which I 100% feel that I am not.

If you read my recent post about boobs (you can have a read here, if not), then you'll know that I'm incredibly insecure about them, and that, unfortunately, my boobs in no way make me feel attractive. Well... the same goes for the rest of me. I am very very very uncomfortable in my own skin, and as much as I do preach about/have learnt to start loving myself, there are still dozens of things that I would 100% like to change.

I mean, I see other girls (and I know, I know, I shouldn't be comparing myself to them) and I envy their flirtatious ways and gorgeous figures. They seem strong and confident - two things which I would love to appear to be - and although I know things aren't always as meets the eye, it's still a long long shot from the impression I think I give to people.



DRESS - ZARA // LIPS - KAT VON D

I don't think I've ever been sexy. There's just too much... 'non-sexiness' going on for me to be. For one, I am a shit flirt - I cannot flirt to save my life. Yeah sure, I can throw the odd compliment across the table over a few drinks or I can laugh at your crap joke, but I can't wink at you and say something seductive without wanting to burst out into laughter. I'm awkward too... and my god, do I mean AWKWARD. Put me in any other social situation and I'll be completely 'in your face', 'bubbly' Hol, but in a scenario where someone might potentially like me, or want to kiss me, or touch me, or whatever, I. Freak. The. Fuck. Out. I don't know what it is... maybe it's all of my insecurities coming out to play, but it can be so frustrating when it happens.

I think I'm a little bit afraid. I think the idea that someone could like me or find me 'sexy' has always been so bizarre and not true in my mind, that when it actually happens, I have zero idea what to do.

It's not that I don't want to flirt or be 'sexy', because I definitely do - I would love to be - it's just that I don't think I know how. I feel like there's this sexual side to my personality that I can't seem to let out and I guess, like I said, it's almost like I'm afraid to. Is it the fear of appearing like an idiot? Is it the idea that I'm meant to be 'cute' and 'innocent' all the time? I don't know. I seriously don't know what it is. But, something that this has began to make me question is, whether or not my lack of stereotypical 'sexiness' means that I lack 'sex appeal' all together.



BRACELET  - VINTAGE

Does my awkwardness and inability to flirt mean that I'm not thought of in a sexual way? Maybe they're the qualities that actually make me more 'sexy' than I thought and I don't even realise it. Maybe that's why people find me attractive and they're not necessarily looking for me to be seductive or flirtatious; maybe they just want me to be weird, uncomfortable 'Me'. Maybe people aren't going to be interested in 'Me' if I'm just going to be trying super hard all the time to be the definition of 'sexy'; maybe I should define 'sexy' myself.

My version of 'sexy' could be completely different to yours. At the end of the day, we're all different; different people find different things attractive. Perhaps I should stop trying to be the total sex bomb I'm trying to be and realise that maybe I already am. 

Just because I don't fit the stereotypical description of 'sexy' doesn't mean I don't have sex appeal. To the right person, I could be the epitome of 'sex'; every dad joke I tell, or every weird face that I pull, could be just the kind of 'sexy' somebody wants. My goofy laugh could make someone weak at the knees and my clumsiness could the biggest turn on of a life time. 




What I'm trying to say is, everyone is 'sexy' in their own way. I think there's this misconception that 'sexy' means certain things, like having to tie a cherry stem with your tongue or being this dominant, powerful character, when in reality, 'sexy' just means the qualities you have that attract someone to you in a sexual manner, and they could be any qualities under the sun.

"You just love them because you can't help it"

Do I have sex appeal then? Yes, everybody does, even if you're the goofiest, weirdest little creature there is, like me. There's no need for me to be amazing at flirting or have a gorgeous slinky figure, because there'll be other things about me that are 'sexy' instead (I bloody hope so anyway).

What do you all think about this? Do you think 'sexy' means being the seductive, Jessica Rabbit-type or do you think we're all sexy in our own unique ways? Let me know down in the comments!

*PSIf you're looking for some fabulous dresses or need something last minute for Valentine's Day, check out Quiz they've got some great pieces >>> https://www.quizclothing.co.uk/clothes/dresses/going-out-dresses/ * #ad

Shops this look here:


  • 2/12/2017

Do I Have Sex Appeal?


With Valentines day upon us and the 'New In' section on ASOS filling up with beautiful lingerie, I am suddenly feeling a little 'meh'. Don't get me wrong, I love Valentine's Day; I'm all for cheesy holidays, and taking a day or two to celebrate the people that we love however, one thing that springs to mind when I think of Valentine's Day is 'sex' and the act of being 'sexy', something which I 100% feel that I am not.

If you read my recent post about boobs (you can have a read here, if not), then you'll know that I'm incredibly insecure about them, and that, unfortunately, my boobs in no way make me feel attractive. Well... the same goes for the rest of me. I am very very very uncomfortable in my own skin, and as much as I do preach about/have learnt to start loving myself, there are still dozens of things that I would 100% like to change.

I mean, I see other girls (and I know, I know, I shouldn't be comparing myself to them) and I envy their flirtatious ways and gorgeous figures. They seem strong and confident - two things which I would love to appear to be - and although I know things aren't always as meets the eye, it's still a long long shot from the impression I think I give to people.



DRESS - ZARA // LIPS - KAT VON D

I don't think I've ever been sexy. There's just too much... 'non-sexiness' going on for me to be. For one, I am a shit flirt - I cannot flirt to save my life. Yeah sure, I can throw the odd compliment across the table over a few drinks or I can laugh at your crap joke, but I can't wink at you and say something seductive without wanting to burst out into laughter. I'm awkward too... and my god, do I mean AWKWARD. Put me in any other social situation and I'll be completely 'in your face', 'bubbly' Hol, but in a scenario where someone might potentially like me, or want to kiss me, or touch me, or whatever, I. Freak. The. Fuck. Out. I don't know what it is... maybe it's all of my insecurities coming out to play, but it can be so frustrating when it happens.

I think I'm a little bit afraid. I think the idea that someone could like me or find me 'sexy' has always been so bizarre and not true in my mind, that when it actually happens, I have zero idea what to do.

It's not that I don't want to flirt or be 'sexy', because I definitely do - I would love to be - it's just that I don't think I know how. I feel like there's this sexual side to my personality that I can't seem to let out and I guess, like I said, it's almost like I'm afraid to. Is it the fear of appearing like an idiot? Is it the idea that I'm meant to be 'cute' and 'innocent' all the time? I don't know. I seriously don't know what it is. But, something that this has began to make me question is, whether or not my lack of stereotypical 'sexiness' means that I lack 'sex appeal' all together.



BRACELET  - VINTAGE

Does my awkwardness and inability to flirt mean that I'm not thought of in a sexual way? Maybe they're the qualities that actually make me more 'sexy' than I thought and I don't even realise it. Maybe that's why people find me attractive and they're not necessarily looking for me to be seductive or flirtatious; maybe they just want me to be weird, uncomfortable 'Me'. Maybe people aren't going to be interested in 'Me' if I'm just going to be trying super hard all the time to be the definition of 'sexy'; maybe I should define 'sexy' myself.

My version of 'sexy' could be completely different to yours. At the end of the day, we're all different; different people find different things attractive. Perhaps I should stop trying to be the total sex bomb I'm trying to be and realise that maybe I already am. 

Just because I don't fit the stereotypical description of 'sexy' doesn't mean I don't have sex appeal. To the right person, I could be the epitome of 'sex'; every dad joke I tell, or every weird face that I pull, could be just the kind of 'sexy' somebody wants. My goofy laugh could make someone weak at the knees and my clumsiness could the biggest turn on of a life time. 




What I'm trying to say is, everyone is 'sexy' in their own way. I think there's this misconception that 'sexy' means certain things, like having to tie a cherry stem with your tongue or being this dominant, powerful character, when in reality, 'sexy' just means the qualities you have that attract someone to you in a sexual manner, and they could be any qualities under the sun.

"You just love them because you can't help it"

Do I have sex appeal then? Yes, everybody does, even if you're the goofiest, weirdest little creature there is, like me. There's no need for me to be amazing at flirting or have a gorgeous slinky figure, because there'll be other things about me that are 'sexy' instead (I bloody hope so anyway).

What do you all think about this? Do you think 'sexy' means being the seductive, Jessica Rabbit-type or do you think we're all sexy in our own unique ways? Let me know down in the comments!

*PSIf you're looking for some fabulous dresses or need something last minute for Valentine's Day, check out Quiz they've got some great pieces >>> https://www.quizclothing.co.uk/clothes/dresses/going-out-dresses/ * #ad

Shops this look here:


Popular Posts

Current Favourites

@Instagram