I need to empty my mind.

I have baggage which I need to unpack.

I have memories, feelings, that are always at the forefront of everything else inside me.

//

My thoughts spiral. I overthink. There's not a day where I don't feel suffocated by emotion or confused by my conflicting perceptions.

I go through phases, sometimes believing one thought over another or letting one memory get to me more than it should.

I convince myself I'm free, but I have skeletons in that closet that I wish to bury deep.





It's familiar. It's comfortable. I'm happy to waive through it.

I tell myself it's a part of me, a part I can't let go of, but my tired eyes, my tired mind, say quite the opposite.

//

It drags me down. I'm sinking.

I only have two hands, two hands to carry the weight.

Although I am strong, stronger than I seem, I will soon crumble. I will crumble to my knees.




I am good at smiling.

I am good at faking it through my wide blue eyes.

I will convince you, and myself, that it will all be fine.

It will all be fine.

But, then the days comes where I'm crashing down and I ask myself, I wonder, why did I lie?

//

Sometimes I am true.

Sometimes I am confused.

I am just seeking balance, something I've never known how to use.






But, I will start to unpack.

I will start to unload the memories, the feelings and the forefront of everything inside of me.

I will feel a lightheadedness as the calming breeze fills my mind and my feet lift off of the ground.

//

I will learn, with my only two hands, to empty my outlook of my heavy ideas, my heavy perceptions and to let go.

I will learn to let go.

I like attention. There, I said it.

I like people commenting on my outfit, I like praise and I like my achievements being celebrated; I like hugs and I like affection and I like feeling like I'm being noticed.

Validation is something that I like in my life. I like sometimes being the center of attention and the focus being on me, I get a buzz from people being nice to me or telling me I'm good at something, because, sometimes, I just need to bloody hear it. I have to hear the positives sometimes, it's nice to know that you're doing okay.




Maybe this stems from years and years of feeling unappreciated or unworthy.

I never felt good enough when I was younger and so now that I finally do feel kind of good enough, I crave being praised for it. I crave people giving me that recognition that I am accepted, and that I am remotely attractive or 'cool'. I feel like without attention from others, I might wither away into nothingness again and become obsolete; I'll feel alone and not good enough and I'll revert back to being that high school girl that I used to be.



I can't lie, I seek love in my life. Who doesn't? I want others to love me and love what I do. I love hearing people say 'I love you Hol' or 'you're the best', because it finally gives me that acceptance that 'high school me' always wanted.






It's weird - I only tend to seek this from the ones closest to me at present, but certainly, in the past, I craved the love and attention from everyone. I wanted the 'popular' kids to like me, I wanted the 'pretty' girls to call me 'pretty' and I wanted boys to see me as 'desirable'. Much like any teenager, I suppose, I just wanted to fit in.

Like I said though, if we are talking about the present day, I really don't crave attention from people who aren't really in my life. I just want to know that the people around me, and that are in my life, do love me and what I do.

I think the fact that I never felt like I did 'fit in' anywhere in the past, is definitely the reason why I now constantly feel the need for reassurance from others. I need to know that people do look at me and think 'wow, look at her go' or 'she looks nice today!' and not 'ew, what a loser'. I want to feel like people can finally see the positives in me and they don't just see, I guess, all the negatives that I'm used to seeing.






Some of you may be reading this and think 'God what an attention seeker', but no, I think that this is incredibly different to attention seeking.

Attention seeking is when a person purposely goes out of their way to gain the attention of others and I can honestly say that I don't do that. Especially nowadays, I am well and truly myself. There is never a moment where I think 'I'm going to say this for attention' or 'I'll do this to make them notice me', I simply just do my thing. I go about my life, not 'seeking' attention.

However, what I am saying is, I like to receive praise and attention for doing my said 'thing'. I like to be recognized for it.

I like to know that what I'm doing is influential or good, I like to know if someone appreciates the sassy outfit I've put together or thinks my hair looks nice and, I like to know when someone loves me and cares about me. At the end of the day, I'm human and human beings crave affection.




You guys seriously can't tell me that when someone compliments your make up, or buys you a present, or shares your blog post, that it doesn't make you feel good? It does! That's what's so nice about it. It's a nice form of attention that I think we, as individuals, all need in our lives.

Receiving praise and love is good and it's okay to crave it. It's okay to want to feel appreciated and sometimes be under the spotlight when you do something good or cool. It's nice to hear that you're funny or that you look nice today. We're allowed to want to be made to feel good about ourselves.





After spending so long hating myself and feeling like everyone hates me too, it's always a pleasant surprise to me when I receive a compliment or someone appreciates what I'm doing. I've mentioned it before, but I've always felt like an irritating presence to people, and well, to know that I'm not, really helps to build me up as a person. Praise helps you grow and learn to appreciate yourself. Hearing that others love you, can help you love yourself - it certainly has with me. And so, yes, I like attention, I crave attention, because I'm human and it's really bloody nice to feel appreciated.

Shop this look here:

I 100% lack body confidence. Despite my face and my looks being my main source of income, I am an extremely insecure person (you probably already know this, so sorry if I'm repeating myself huns). 

You see, from a very young age I did not like myself. I have never liked my face, my legs, my tummy, my bum. I have never understood my shape, my features, my characteristics. I have always just craved the ideals and wanted to be someone else.

Unfortunately, life doesn't give you what you want.

Sure, I could sit there wishing on a million stars or waiting for 11:11 to pop up on my clock, but at the end of the day, I have the body that I have, and that's it.

I am me.




It's taken me years to realise that I am who I am, I look like what I look like, and there's no way i'm ever going to be or look like someone else. And, I do believe that, slowly but surely, I'm learning to appreciate the skin I am in.

Okay, sure, I did say that I 100% lack body confidence and to be honest, that's incredibly true. I still do not like my legs, my tummy, my bum, my boobs, but there are aspects of myself that I have truly began to appreciate.

For example, I love my freckles, I love my long arms and I love my blonde fuzzy body hair.

I can look at myself sometimes and, rather than just seeing myself and feeling repulsed, I've started to notice those few things, those little things, that I truly do like.



Body confidence is a tough one though. After loosing over half my body weight, dropping 5 dress sizes and going through hell and back, learning to like my wobbly, stretch mark ridden body is immensely difficult.

And, unfortunately, as the title of this blog post explains, I believe that body confidence is so so very key when it comes to learning to like and accept yourself.



For me anyway, body confidence is probably the main reason I lack self acceptance. I am very open, I'm very loud and I am very fun, but, put me in a more vulnerable situation or ask me to wear a tight bodycon dress or shoot in a bikini, and I will become silent. I will become insecure and embarrassed - completely humiliated.

I do not accept myself in my own body.

I accept my mind, I accept my heart, I accept my ideas, I accept my style, but I do not accept my body.




I think as soon as you're comfortable in your own skin and confident in your appearance, a lot of your worries can disappear and a lot of windows begin to open.

If I spent less of my time thinking 'oh my god, my thighs look fat' or praying for the day I can get a boob job, just think of all the things I could be doing, or how much more positive my life would be.

If I walked round, fully accepting of everything about myself, head to toe, I would feel fucking fantastic.

So, I guess I'd like to get to a point like that one day.




I can't wait for a day when I'm not conscious of changing in-front of other models, or my friends, or the day when I look at my legs in a pair of denim shorts and think 'damn gurlllllll', because it would just be so liberating to accept myself fully for who I am AND what I look like too.



On another note, before I leave you to ponder on that idea, let me fill you in on this outfit (which I can't stop wearing, may I add).

I recently popped down to London to meet with the lovely Holly (hello if you're reading!) from Urban Outfitters. She kindly let me pick out some pieces to style, and the two pieces in this look for the first things I grabbed for, because I was instantly obsessed.

Here I'm wearing this gorgeous Kimchi Blue Fuzzy Button-Down Crop Cardigan and these amazing BDG Mom Sky Blue Corduroy Jeans. I just think this is such a perfect combination and a look like can work in every season, all year round.

I love the colours together and the mixture of the textures - just perfect!

If you'd like to recreate this look yourself then check out the pieces below:

To love someone or something in life is so powerful. The idea that passion can be sparked by the sight of someone or the doing of something is beautiful and what I truly believe life is about.

Life is about happiness, life is about filling your lungs, your heart, your entire body with love. Life is about finding that one thing or person that makes you want to jump out of bed and get on with your day. It's about reading something, doing something, hearing something that gives you goosebumps and gets your heart racing.

That's what makes me feel alive.




For me, my passions lie in all things creative; my love lies with the amazing people in my life.

When I wake up in the morning, with a brain overflowing with words that I just want to type or write down, or I simply have to bob off to London for the day for an exciting shoot, my body fills with love.

I love what I do.

I love the sound of my fingers tapping away on my keyboard and reading as my blog posts come to life. I love the sound of a camera shutter or my self timer beeping as I pose against my bedroom wall taking a million and one blog photos. I love planning outfits or scheduling tweets, and I even love replying my emails and watching my inbox fill up with replies.

I love prancing around on the set of shoots and getting to meet new creative people. I love chatting to photographers, make up artists, stylists and hearing all about their passions and the work they've done. I love the side of the industry I'm in - I love the nice side of the industry.

I love it all.




When I see my friends, hug my friends, chat to my friends, that lonely feeling that I often feel, when I've spent 7 days a week working my arse off, starts to dismiss and is replaced with a bubbly, excited feeling. I'm reminded that these people are amazing, they're accepting and they are pure magic to me.

I love their laughter, their sarcasm and their punny jokes. I love their compassion, their individuality and their quirks. I love our nights out, our nights in and the way that we can go weeks without seeing each other, but as soon as we're back together, it's like no time has passed at all.

I love it all.




When I roll over in the morning and I'm lying next to someone who makes me smile, or when I look to my phone and see someone calling me on Face-time, just so they can see my face or just because, I'm reminded what it's like to feel loved back.

I'm reminded what it's like to have someone just do the simple thing of getting you to feeling different emotions and I'm reminded what it's like to look at someone and take in every detail and see little quirks or see their brain ticking over.

I love seeing someone else be passionate, I love seeing someone else get goosebumps over their favourite things and have ideas pouring out of their mind. I love laughing with someone, talking with someone, and feeling like I'm finally being allowed to experience life again.

I love it all.

That's what makes me feel alive.



If we don't feel alive, then we're not living, are we? If we don't feel passionate about the things we're doing or the people we involve ourselves with, are we doing ourselves a disservice?

From the bottom of my heart, I couldn't live a life that lacked passion - a life that lacked love. I have been at that point before. I have been 'floating', 'lost' and 'completely empty', and that was a life I never want to be living again.

My blog, my love for fashion, for writing and modelling, they brought me to life. They woke me up, shook me and screamed 'here's your passion, Holly... RUN WITH IT!' and so I did.

My work made me wake up and see that I was hiding away from my life. I was hiding away from my family, my friendships, and even new relationships I could have made. But, I love that I can love things now. I love that I can love working, love people and feel passionate about my life.





Like I said, there's no better feeling than waking up to a job you love, a person you love, a place you love, a song you love... literally anything you love - nothing can beat it.

Passion is what keeps that fire burning, gives me my drive and makes me want to get up everyday and do what I do.

So, find your passion. Find that thing, that person, those people, who make you wake up on Monday morning and say 'let's go!' and not 'oh, shit, another Monday'. And, if you already have your passion, let me know what it is down in the comments, I would love to know. ♥