Discussing The Pill

At the beginning of the year, I wrote an honest and open blog post about my experience with the contraceptive pill. I'd had an absolute nightmare with it, you see. It triggered off a lot of bad stuff for me, and finally coming off it completely made me realise just how depressed I'd gotten whilst using it.

The blog post was so well received, and made me feel like I *actually* wasn't going mad. It was nice to know I wasn't alone in my experience with it.


First Presentation with Thomas Sabo

I worked on my first presentation job this year, with one of my favourite brands to work with, Thomas Sabo. It was in Manchester too which was pretty cool!

I'd never modelled during a presentation before, so it was a nice experience to start the year with.

Casting For Zara

Although this probably is no where near as exciting as if I could say 'shooting for Zara', casting for them was still a pretty big deal for me.

As you might now, Zara is one of my favourite brands, so even having the slightest of opportunities to possibly work with them was incredibly exciting for me.

First Job with ASOS

In March, I booked my first job with ASOS. It'd been on my list of 'dream jobs to book' for ages, and to finally have that casting and get booked was really cool!


IMM Spring Campaign

I also got to be involved in the IMM Spring Campaign. It was great to shoot with a bunch of amazing girls and work on something for the agency's website. I love the images that came out of it too!

L'Oreal Just Can't Get Enough Lipstick Campaign

At the beginning of April I booked a job shooting for the L'Oreal 'Just Can't Get Enough' Lipstick campaign, which was an absolute dream. I got to work with a bunch of gals from IMM, and also work with the super talented Rankin!

Ps, yes, I am the lips in the thumbnail on YouTube!!

RESERVED Cindy Crawford Event

I was invited to the RESERVED Cindy Crawford collaboration launch event, to which I brought my lovely friend Keira along.

It was a super cool event to involved in, and it felt really cool being papped all night whilst surrounded by the cast of Made In Chelsea haha.


Trip To London with Darina

Me and the amazing photographer Darina Mohammed took ourselves on a little trip to London, which was absolutely dreamy!

It was the beginning of the heatwave and we just swanned around London, shooting in the sunshine. It was great!


Working with Cancer Research UK & Pretty 52

I got to be involved in a lovely little campaign with Cancer Research UK this year. It was great to discuss how to keep your skin safe during the summer and also work with such a lovely team. I loved being a part of the #OwnYourTone gang!

Nights Out With Friends

Back in summer, I'd always be going out and constantly having the absolute best times. I'd have so many laughs with amazing friends and we'd always end up back at CJ's flat sat on the balcony at 4am talking about nonesense.

I couldn't have asked for a better summer.


Shooting Ecom for Miss Selfridge

After working with Miss Selfridge through my blog for aaaaggggeeeesss, I booked a job modelling for their website and I was honestly SO over the moon.

I remember walking out of the casting, and within 10 minutes of leaving, I'd already had an email saying I'd booked it. Eeeek!

I Turned 20

In June I turned 20 years old, and couldn't have celebrated in any better way! I still watch the vlog from that day back now and it makes me so happy. ♥

Collaborating with Burberry

This year I got the opportunity to collaborate with Burberry on a lipstick campaign, which was just so so incredible. I got to try out a bunch of their new shades and create a super fun video for them too!


Bobbi Brown Luxe Lip Campaign

Again, another lipstick campaign, this time with Bobbi Brown.

I got to head down to London and get involved with their Luxe Lip Campaign and I had the time of my life. It was such a fun day and the content turned out amazing!


Meeting My Boyfriend

In August, after what will probably go down in history as one of the weirdest nights of my life, Josh asked me out on a date. I mean, we'd met a looong time before this. We'd spoke on Tinder (all hail the holy dating app) back in March and also ended up bumping into each other in a bar in May, but it wasn't until August that we finally realised we were a pair of weirdos who clearly needed to be together.

I won't recite the entire story of our relationship to you (even though I'd like to, as I'm a soppy git), but let me just say that, being asked on that date was the best thing that ever happened to me.


Shooting for OPI in Edinburgh

In September, I got to head to Edinburgh (first time in Scotland, wooo) and be a part of OPI's A/W 2019 Campaign (that's right, keep your eyes peeled folks).

It was the most amazing trip, with the most lovely group of gals and talented team. I'd love to go back and do it all over again!

Getting To Discuss The Affects of Social Media with The Sweet Truth Podcast

I was invited to be involved in an amazing new podcast (something new for me, as I've never done a podcast before)! I loved being able to openly discuss my opinions on my industry and the different ways it's impacted me. I can't wait for you guys to get to listen!

Collaborating with Calvin Klein

To top this year off, I got to collaborate with, one of my dream brands to work with, Calvin Klein.

Getting this email was so surreal - I'd literally been discussing how I'd wanted to work with them in some way earlier that day.

I couldn't ask for a better collab to finish this crazy year off with!

What I Got Up To In 2018!


Discussing The Pill

At the beginning of the year, I wrote an honest and open blog post about my experience with the contraceptive pill. I'd had an absolute nightmare with it, you see. It triggered off a lot of bad stuff for me, and finally coming off it completely made me realise just how depressed I'd gotten whilst using it.

The blog post was so well received, and made me feel like I *actually* wasn't going mad. It was nice to know I wasn't alone in my experience with it.


First Presentation with Thomas Sabo

I worked on my first presentation job this year, with one of my favourite brands to work with, Thomas Sabo. It was in Manchester too which was pretty cool!

I'd never modelled during a presentation before, so it was a nice experience to start the year with.

Casting For Zara

Although this probably is no where near as exciting as if I could say 'shooting for Zara', casting for them was still a pretty big deal for me.

As you might now, Zara is one of my favourite brands, so even having the slightest of opportunities to possibly work with them was incredibly exciting for me.

First Job with ASOS

In March, I booked my first job with ASOS. It'd been on my list of 'dream jobs to book' for ages, and to finally have that casting and get booked was really cool!


IMM Spring Campaign

I also got to be involved in the IMM Spring Campaign. It was great to shoot with a bunch of amazing girls and work on something for the agency's website. I love the images that came out of it too!

L'Oreal Just Can't Get Enough Lipstick Campaign

At the beginning of April I booked a job shooting for the L'Oreal 'Just Can't Get Enough' Lipstick campaign, which was an absolute dream. I got to work with a bunch of gals from IMM, and also work with the super talented Rankin!

Ps, yes, I am the lips in the thumbnail on YouTube!!

RESERVED Cindy Crawford Event

I was invited to the RESERVED Cindy Crawford collaboration launch event, to which I brought my lovely friend Keira along.

It was a super cool event to involved in, and it felt really cool being papped all night whilst surrounded by the cast of Made In Chelsea haha.


Trip To London with Darina

Me and the amazing photographer Darina Mohammed took ourselves on a little trip to London, which was absolutely dreamy!

It was the beginning of the heatwave and we just swanned around London, shooting in the sunshine. It was great!


Working with Cancer Research UK & Pretty 52

I got to be involved in a lovely little campaign with Cancer Research UK this year. It was great to discuss how to keep your skin safe during the summer and also work with such a lovely team. I loved being a part of the #OwnYourTone gang!

Nights Out With Friends

Back in summer, I'd always be going out and constantly having the absolute best times. I'd have so many laughs with amazing friends and we'd always end up back at CJ's flat sat on the balcony at 4am talking about nonesense.

I couldn't have asked for a better summer.


Shooting Ecom for Miss Selfridge

After working with Miss Selfridge through my blog for aaaaggggeeeesss, I booked a job modelling for their website and I was honestly SO over the moon.

I remember walking out of the casting, and within 10 minutes of leaving, I'd already had an email saying I'd booked it. Eeeek!

I Turned 20

In June I turned 20 years old, and couldn't have celebrated in any better way! I still watch the vlog from that day back now and it makes me so happy. ♥

Collaborating with Burberry

This year I got the opportunity to collaborate with Burberry on a lipstick campaign, which was just so so incredible. I got to try out a bunch of their new shades and create a super fun video for them too!


Bobbi Brown Luxe Lip Campaign

Again, another lipstick campaign, this time with Bobbi Brown.

I got to head down to London and get involved with their Luxe Lip Campaign and I had the time of my life. It was such a fun day and the content turned out amazing!


Meeting My Boyfriend

In August, after what will probably go down in history as one of the weirdest nights of my life, Josh asked me out on a date. I mean, we'd met a looong time before this. We'd spoke on Tinder (all hail the holy dating app) back in March and also ended up bumping into each other in a bar in May, but it wasn't until August that we finally realised we were a pair of weirdos who clearly needed to be together.

I won't recite the entire story of our relationship to you (even though I'd like to, as I'm a soppy git), but let me just say that, being asked on that date was the best thing that ever happened to me.


Shooting for OPI in Edinburgh

In September, I got to head to Edinburgh (first time in Scotland, wooo) and be a part of OPI's A/W 2019 Campaign (that's right, keep your eyes peeled folks).

It was the most amazing trip, with the most lovely group of gals and talented team. I'd love to go back and do it all over again!

Getting To Discuss The Affects of Social Media with The Sweet Truth Podcast

I was invited to be involved in an amazing new podcast (something new for me, as I've never done a podcast before)! I loved being able to openly discuss my opinions on my industry and the different ways it's impacted me. I can't wait for you guys to get to listen!

Collaborating with Calvin Klein

To top this year off, I got to collaborate with, one of my dream brands to work with, Calvin Klein.

Getting this email was so surreal - I'd literally been discussing how I'd wanted to work with them in some way earlier that day.

I couldn't ask for a better collab to finish this crazy year off with!


I was young, naive and, well, a little bit hopeless, when I got into my first relationship. I'd always told myself that guys didn't like me, you see. I was (and still am) a little goofy, kind of awkward and struggled to be remotely sexy 99% of the time. I didn't know how to talk to the opposite sex, I'd never had 'guy friends' and any kind of 'date' I'd been on, didn't transpire any longer than a couple more meet ups... especially since I giggled like a little girl anytime a guy tried to kiss me... which was a clear sign I wasn't going to put out (yeah, guys didn't like that lol).

SO, when someone came into my life and showed in an interest in me (and maybe not just the interest of getting into my knickers) I became completely infatuated straight away.

A GUY LIKES ME? HOW CAN THIS BE?



This person had a hold on me that I'm not even sure I realised. This person could ask me for anything and I'd give it them, purely because I was so terrified that there would be no one else ever to 'want' me like that ever again.

I thought I was so in love. I thought I'd gotten a romance that I'd always dreamed of. But, the reality was, this person was soooo in my head, that I'd just completely forgotten about what I actually wanted and who I actually was.

I mean, I'd turn down work, cancel driving lessons, spend so much money on travel, just so I could be with them. I'd pay for everything, I'd do things that they wanted to do, even when I didn't think I wanted to do them and I'd not even think about it... I'd just do it.

I stopped seeing my own friends, barely saw my family (because they never made the effort to come to mine) and they told me not to hang round with certain people simply because they didn't want me to.

I was so blinded by 'love' that I didn't realise how toxic the whole situation was.



Nowadays, if my boyfriend said something about my appearance, that wasn't constructive and just plain cruel, I'd think FUCK YOU and probably tell him to think about what the hell he's saying to me. But, back then, I'd let anything be said to me: "Are you sure you're not pregnant, you're looking a little chubby?" "As long as you keep your thigh gap, you're fine" "I don't think you should eat so much" - I let all those little things sink into me. I let myself absorb them like they were just normal things to be told by someone who 'loves' you.

They'd put me down in front of other people too. I remember one of my friends saying to me once we broke up "You always looked miserable with him. He took away all of your confidence."

And, that was one of the worst things, because before meeting them, I was in the best place of my life. I'd overcome eating disorder after eating disorder, got myself to a healthy, happy weight with a good lifestyle. I was doing really fucking well. Yet, all those kinds of comments, one by one, completely ruined all of that.

I wasn't ever allowed to be upset about it either, it would always be me 'being dramatic' or any argument would just get turned back on me.

I was excusing shit behavior, or at least ignoring it, purely because I didn't want to face that fact that they were a absolute arsehole. I'd become infatuated with a d*ckhead, and that scared the hell out of me.



I would think about the whole thing and tell myself something wasn't right, but beneath all of that rational thought, I just felt like a hideous, piece of crap that no other guy would want... since they barely wanted me to begin with.

So, the whole thing just continued.

They would let me spend money on their clothes, on their food, on their travel. They'd suggest things they didn't have the money for, and just expect me to pay for it. All of my hard earned money ended up paying for someone else's lifestyle, because god forbid they try and fit into my life, or my way of doing things. Someone like that only wants whats convenient for them.



I'd become a slave to someone's life. I'd become an accessory rather than a girlfriend.

I'd watch them flirt with girls at bars whilst they were up there with my debit card. I'd have them show me pictures of other girls and then tell me they thought she/they were 'so hot'. I'd have them tell me to try and dress like other girls, because they dressed sexier than me.

It became clear that they didn't want me, but not so clear that they'd ever have the balls to break up with me. So, I just stayed there. I just kept going. My life became a cycle of pandering to them and forgetting about all of the other things I used to love.



By the end of the whole thing was when I began to realise how 'private' everything of their's was. I mean, they could get into my phone anytime they wanted, they had a fingerprint and knew my passcode, yet it wasn't the same with me and their phone.

They'd always have unread Instagram DMs and Facebook messages, and as much as I'd wonder who they were from, I'd never question it. I wouldn't ever invade someone's privacy.

I think if I were to ask, I'd have just gotten a lash back of 'why don't you trust me? I trust you!'

Then one morning, they woke up, telling me they'd had a dream that I'd cheated on them. I thought, 'well we know that's not true' and just kind of laughed it off, thinking to myself 'if anyone was going to cheat here, it's not going to be me'. 

I thought it was kind of odd.

But, what do you know, that's the same day I'd found out they'd cheated on me, and had done multiple times.

I guess if someone's 'worried' or talking about you cheating on them, it's pretty possible that they're the one who's cheating on you.

Weird, but makes sense I guess.



Even after breaking up, they'd still have me going crawling back to them. They'd be sleeping with the girl who they cheated on me with, yet telling me they love me and couldn't live without me. They'd say things like "I want to be with you, just not now... I don't know when." or be saying that they don't really like the other girl because she does certain things and "why would I want someone like that, when I've had someone like you?".

It was all just truly fucked up.

Then, one day I just blocked them. Cut them out of my life completely. And, suddenly it was like I could breathe again... sure I was financially unstable for 7 months after, but at least I could breathe and go back to being ME again.



Anyway, the reason for me writing this, wasn't just for me to vent and talk about my shitty past relationship with you guys, it was to give any of you, who might be out there in the same sort of situation, a heads up.

If you're in a relationship that makes you feel the way I did, as hard as I know it is, please think about getting out of it. There are better people out there, who will love you and treat you like you should be treated.

Relationships should be equal - you should never feel 'less' than your partner or feel trapped in anyway.

Looking back at that relationship, it just seems like such bullshit to me. And, as much as I thought it was love, it wasn't. It was the idea of love, and the idea that someone possibly loved me. I was obsessed with the fact that I finally had someone.

Now I can actually see the difference between that, because, despite the whole idea I had about a guy never loving me again, I've managed to meet the best guy in the world. So, if you, like me, are out there panicking that there's nobody else, trust me, there is.

Real love doesn't make you hurt like a manipulative relationship does. I really really know that now.

Manipulative Relationships



I was young, naive and, well, a little bit hopeless, when I got into my first relationship. I'd always told myself that guys didn't like me, you see. I was (and still am) a little goofy, kind of awkward and struggled to be remotely sexy 99% of the time. I didn't know how to talk to the opposite sex, I'd never had 'guy friends' and any kind of 'date' I'd been on, didn't transpire any longer than a couple more meet ups... especially since I giggled like a little girl anytime a guy tried to kiss me... which was a clear sign I wasn't going to put out (yeah, guys didn't like that lol).

SO, when someone came into my life and showed in an interest in me (and maybe not just the interest of getting into my knickers) I became completely infatuated straight away.

A GUY LIKES ME? HOW CAN THIS BE?



This person had a hold on me that I'm not even sure I realised. This person could ask me for anything and I'd give it them, purely because I was so terrified that there would be no one else ever to 'want' me like that ever again.

I thought I was so in love. I thought I'd gotten a romance that I'd always dreamed of. But, the reality was, this person was soooo in my head, that I'd just completely forgotten about what I actually wanted and who I actually was.

I mean, I'd turn down work, cancel driving lessons, spend so much money on travel, just so I could be with them. I'd pay for everything, I'd do things that they wanted to do, even when I didn't think I wanted to do them and I'd not even think about it... I'd just do it.

I stopped seeing my own friends, barely saw my family (because they never made the effort to come to mine) and they told me not to hang round with certain people simply because they didn't want me to.

I was so blinded by 'love' that I didn't realise how toxic the whole situation was.



Nowadays, if my boyfriend said something about my appearance, that wasn't constructive and just plain cruel, I'd think FUCK YOU and probably tell him to think about what the hell he's saying to me. But, back then, I'd let anything be said to me: "Are you sure you're not pregnant, you're looking a little chubby?" "As long as you keep your thigh gap, you're fine" "I don't think you should eat so much" - I let all those little things sink into me. I let myself absorb them like they were just normal things to be told by someone who 'loves' you.

They'd put me down in front of other people too. I remember one of my friends saying to me once we broke up "You always looked miserable with him. He took away all of your confidence."

And, that was one of the worst things, because before meeting them, I was in the best place of my life. I'd overcome eating disorder after eating disorder, got myself to a healthy, happy weight with a good lifestyle. I was doing really fucking well. Yet, all those kinds of comments, one by one, completely ruined all of that.

I wasn't ever allowed to be upset about it either, it would always be me 'being dramatic' or any argument would just get turned back on me.

I was excusing shit behavior, or at least ignoring it, purely because I didn't want to face that fact that they were a absolute arsehole. I'd become infatuated with a d*ckhead, and that scared the hell out of me.



I would think about the whole thing and tell myself something wasn't right, but beneath all of that rational thought, I just felt like a hideous, piece of crap that no other guy would want... since they barely wanted me to begin with.

So, the whole thing just continued.

They would let me spend money on their clothes, on their food, on their travel. They'd suggest things they didn't have the money for, and just expect me to pay for it. All of my hard earned money ended up paying for someone else's lifestyle, because god forbid they try and fit into my life, or my way of doing things. Someone like that only wants whats convenient for them.



I'd become a slave to someone's life. I'd become an accessory rather than a girlfriend.

I'd watch them flirt with girls at bars whilst they were up there with my debit card. I'd have them show me pictures of other girls and then tell me they thought she/they were 'so hot'. I'd have them tell me to try and dress like other girls, because they dressed sexier than me.

It became clear that they didn't want me, but not so clear that they'd ever have the balls to break up with me. So, I just stayed there. I just kept going. My life became a cycle of pandering to them and forgetting about all of the other things I used to love.



By the end of the whole thing was when I began to realise how 'private' everything of their's was. I mean, they could get into my phone anytime they wanted, they had a fingerprint and knew my passcode, yet it wasn't the same with me and their phone.

They'd always have unread Instagram DMs and Facebook messages, and as much as I'd wonder who they were from, I'd never question it. I wouldn't ever invade someone's privacy.

I think if I were to ask, I'd have just gotten a lash back of 'why don't you trust me? I trust you!'

Then one morning, they woke up, telling me they'd had a dream that I'd cheated on them. I thought, 'well we know that's not true' and just kind of laughed it off, thinking to myself 'if anyone was going to cheat here, it's not going to be me'. 

I thought it was kind of odd.

But, what do you know, that's the same day I'd found out they'd cheated on me, and had done multiple times.

I guess if someone's 'worried' or talking about you cheating on them, it's pretty possible that they're the one who's cheating on you.

Weird, but makes sense I guess.



Even after breaking up, they'd still have me going crawling back to them. They'd be sleeping with the girl who they cheated on me with, yet telling me they love me and couldn't live without me. They'd say things like "I want to be with you, just not now... I don't know when." or be saying that they don't really like the other girl because she does certain things and "why would I want someone like that, when I've had someone like you?".

It was all just truly fucked up.

Then, one day I just blocked them. Cut them out of my life completely. And, suddenly it was like I could breathe again... sure I was financially unstable for 7 months after, but at least I could breathe and go back to being ME again.



Anyway, the reason for me writing this, wasn't just for me to vent and talk about my shitty past relationship with you guys, it was to give any of you, who might be out there in the same sort of situation, a heads up.

If you're in a relationship that makes you feel the way I did, as hard as I know it is, please think about getting out of it. There are better people out there, who will love you and treat you like you should be treated.

Relationships should be equal - you should never feel 'less' than your partner or feel trapped in anyway.

Looking back at that relationship, it just seems like such bullshit to me. And, as much as I thought it was love, it wasn't. It was the idea of love, and the idea that someone possibly loved me. I was obsessed with the fact that I finally had someone.

Now I can actually see the difference between that, because, despite the whole idea I had about a guy never loving me again, I've managed to meet the best guy in the world. So, if you, like me, are out there panicking that there's nobody else, trust me, there is.

Real love doesn't make you hurt like a manipulative relationship does. I really really know that now.


manipulate
mould
shape me
make me what you want

abuse 
mistreat
confuse
confuse love with the way you twist and turn me into what you'd rather have

what you'd rather have
I cannot be
I cannot be that



Shape Shifter


manipulate
mould
shape me
make me what you want

abuse 
mistreat
confuse
confuse love with the way you twist and turn me into what you'd rather have

what you'd rather have
I cannot be
I cannot be that




Let me tell you how I feel
without really telling you
let me tell you what you want to hear 
let me split my mind in two

let me keep my stories short
keep them to myself
let me mellow out my emotions
the descriptions, my mental health

let me push down my personality
let me shield you from the truth
I swear to god, I'm so vanilla
no need to introduce..

the honesty about myself
just listen to my lies
everything about me is vanilla
I'm sorry I can't moralize

the rights and wrongs of what I'm doing
this doesn't feel like it's wrong
it's just a self made protection
that's been there for way too long

let me hide my ideas, my dark thoughts or even my moments of joy
because I just don't want to bore you
I can't bare that I even toy

toy with your emotions, or mess with your ideas
so I keep myself vanilla
I have for years and years

Vanilla


Let me tell you how I feel
without really telling you
let me tell you what you want to hear 
let me split my mind in two

let me keep my stories short
keep them to myself
let me mellow out my emotions
the descriptions, my mental health

let me push down my personality
let me shield you from the truth
I swear to god, I'm so vanilla
no need to introduce..

the honesty about myself
just listen to my lies
everything about me is vanilla
I'm sorry I can't moralize

the rights and wrongs of what I'm doing
this doesn't feel like it's wrong
it's just a self made protection
that's been there for way too long

let me hide my ideas, my dark thoughts or even my moments of joy
because I just don't want to bore you
I can't bare that I even toy

toy with your emotions, or mess with your ideas
so I keep myself vanilla
I have for years and years

A thing I've come to realise
after so long of worrying and the indecisive thoughts
I owe you nothing 
I owe you nothing and I ought

I ought to think about myself more
consider other people's opinions less
as to, why does my value decrease?
just because to you I'm not your best

option
why should I be an option?
I am not a choice
You have me or you can hate me 
I'm entitled to my voice

sick
sick of being silent 
silencing my screams and the pain I've come to feel
forcing myself to be something, do something
being made to feel like I'm no longer real

numb
empty
as I let your hands grab me and take what you want 
my personality, my emotions, my passions
all they began to do was haunt

haunt me like a ghost
something I'd left behind
because I felt I owed you everything
everything, from my body to my mind

now, a different story
something I've come to realise
I truly owe you nothing
especially not the tears from my tired eyes

I truly owe you nothing
another person's taught me that
it's me or it is sweet fuck all
from the rolls on my stomach, to my nonsense I call 'chat'

I owe you nothing
I never did owe you a thing
as much as I felt I had to change, to mould, to melt into your needs 
I owe the world nothing
no more cries, worries or pleads

pleads 
to make someone love me
to make myself fit in
to make myself more 'perfect'
to make myself more thin

I owe you nothing
I never had to
I never did
I owe myself more than this
every stupid minute I wasted

waiting

waiting 
for someone to love me
even just my own mind
I owe myself more than this
to my body, to be kind

I owe myself more than this
I've torn myself apart
I owe myself nothing but
to go back to the very start

to have someone remind me
remind me of who I am 
to bring back everything I thought I owed the world 
and place it in my hands

to tell me I owe you nothing 
to cement it in my mind
I truly owe you nothing
I was completely. fucking. blind.

I Owe You Nothing


A thing I've come to realise
after so long of worrying and the indecisive thoughts
I owe you nothing 
I owe you nothing and I ought

I ought to think about myself more
consider other people's opinions less
as to, why does my value decrease?
just because to you I'm not your best

option
why should I be an option?
I am not a choice
You have me or you can hate me 
I'm entitled to my voice

sick
sick of being silent 
silencing my screams and the pain I've come to feel
forcing myself to be something, do something
being made to feel like I'm no longer real

numb
empty
as I let your hands grab me and take what you want 
my personality, my emotions, my passions
all they began to do was haunt

haunt me like a ghost
something I'd left behind
because I felt I owed you everything
everything, from my body to my mind

now, a different story
something I've come to realise
I truly owe you nothing
especially not the tears from my tired eyes

I truly owe you nothing
another person's taught me that
it's me or it is sweet fuck all
from the rolls on my stomach, to my nonsense I call 'chat'

I owe you nothing
I never did owe you a thing
as much as I felt I had to change, to mould, to melt into your needs 
I owe the world nothing
no more cries, worries or pleads

pleads 
to make someone love me
to make myself fit in
to make myself more 'perfect'
to make myself more thin

I owe you nothing
I never had to
I never did
I owe myself more than this
every stupid minute I wasted

waiting

waiting 
for someone to love me
even just my own mind
I owe myself more than this
to my body, to be kind

I owe myself more than this
I've torn myself apart
I owe myself nothing but
to go back to the very start

to have someone remind me
remind me of who I am 
to bring back everything I thought I owed the world 
and place it in my hands

to tell me I owe you nothing 
to cement it in my mind
I truly owe you nothing
I was completely. fucking. blind.

It's almost 4 years since I was diagnosed with Anorexia and Depression. Time flies when you're... recovering... right?!

Ironically, yes it does.

Where have the past 4 years gone? What has happened? What has changed? How have I felt? Well, in this little (in fact, this is going to be long one, grab a cup of tea) blog post, you're going to get a little insight into my life. Your  own insight into what it's truly been like for me, for my mental health and for the people in my life, over the past 4 years.


So, where do I begin?

I'm honestly not too sure where to start this blog post off - it's probably going to be a bit all over the place, so I do apologise. I guess let's head back to 2014, the year I was diagnosed.

At this point, I barely remember a thing, 2014/2015 are all a bit of a blur - except for maybe a few pop song lyrics and some tragic thing that happened on Eastenders, that's about it. I guess I remember it being hard. Like, REALLY hard. I was trying to recover in my 'own' way, you see. I, being the stubborn teenager I was, wasn't 'ready' to be forced to outpatient meetings every day or have someone I barely knew take over my life and tell me what I could or couldn't eat.

I had so many complex things swirling around in my brain, and any part of my OCD (something that only became apparent after my original diagnosis) was not going to let anyone else take control just yet. Too much was changing at once for me, and it was terrifying.

If I think back to when I was in high school, pre-diagnosis, or just about to drop-out of college as my life started falling apart around me, I don't really think much about MY own experience anymore. I always wonder what it was like to be on the outside.

I went from being a very bubbly, giggly teenager, to a lifeless, cold shell. I went from having fun with my friends, to completely isolating myself or ruining anytime we spent together by getting unbelievably drunk to *try* and suppress my feelings.

Could you see it was happening to me? What was it like to be around me? What was it like to have me go through that after years of (what you'd consider) a normal relationship with me? How did you deal with it? What advice would you give as an outsider?

I wonder a lot of these things regularly.

I always wonder whether my Mum gets a weird sense of pride when I suggest we go OUT (yeah, like OUT OUT to a restaurant) for lunch, or whether my friends feel different now that I'm more like myself again and can actually have a civilized gin and tonic without bursting into tears and becoming suicidal.

So I thought, for the sake of this blog post, I'd asked them and get a bit of a different perspective for once.


"It was clear that things weren't right at the beginning of Year 11. You were quiet and intense, you started cutting down on food and exercising - the food cut down to hardly anything and the exercise was done every night as you walked in from school. 

Panic set in if there were any obstacles. I.e. if you couldn't eat at a certain time or if anyone came into the kitchen at the same time as you.

Our lives were turned upside down.

We knew it was anorexia, but twice I got you to the doctors, and twice they made out I was an overanxious, protective Mum. 

It was when your hair started falling out, your shoulders and your teeth protruded and the Lanugo [soft downy hair that grows to protect your body heat during extreme thinness] appeared on your arms, that I really had to do something."

"It was very scary as you spoke of wanting to die regularly."

"You wouldn't leave the house for weeks."

"To anyone who didn't know you, I don't think it would've been really obvious, but to be in your circle of friends it was clear you had a lot troubling you."

"It was hard to be around you [and] to find the right things to say... you feel a bit hopeless/useless because it felt like nothing I could say to you would be enough to help, which made it kind of difficult to talk to you sometimes."

"It wasn't really like being around the Holly we knew...it was so sad to see you struggle so much and how it affected the fun loving side of you we love (and now have back) (yay)!"

"Seeing you cry on nights out was the hardest because you were so inconsolable - nothing anyone would said would go through to you."

"It felt like you were really distant... Obviously as a friend you want to be there, but it's tough when you literally have 0 clue what to say or do... [but] to all the people who have friends struggling with mental health problems/eating disorders etc. I would encourage you to try and start a conversation and offer support."

"...It made our relationship stronger in a lot of ways... I'd say the biggest way it affected our relationship was probably in the struggle between us wanting to help you and you feeling like you were burdening us and therefore shutting us off."

"If anything, when friends are more open about their struggles, it brings them closer."

"I think it's important that [friends] come to you when [you] need it, not necessarily when you want them to."

"Never underestimate the need for a friend in a situation like that, even if they don't reach out for your help, they will need and want you there. Organise things which are within the person's comfort zone (i.e. let them chose the restaurant or suggest something to do) or do something low key at someone's house if everything else is too overwhelming."

"Always stick around... when you see your friend living their best life again, it's all so worth it."


Now, to me, that's all kind of like some story that didn't even happen. It's like that wasn't even a part of my life. I became some disassociated during that time, that it's almost like I didn't exist for a good 2-3 years.

I think that's something I never realised would happen, you know? I thought that it was all SO significant and SO important that I would never forget it. And, well, don't get me wrong, I won't... but there are soooo many other amazing things that have happened to me since, that I'd much rather remember.

I think it's just, when you're in the depths of a mental illness, it feels like it's everything and all that will ever matter to you ever again. But when you step out of it, you can finally realise what you've been missing out on, whilst you've been counting calories or jogging on the spot for an hour straight.

It's scarily freeing.

Something that gets to me has always been the idolization of eating disorders - or any other mental illness for that matter. I'm just going to get straight to the point and say: mental illnesses are not fun. They ruin your way of thinking and they ruin your life... and, honestly, they're shit. 

My mental illnesses have become such a big part of my life, that it's scary to me to wonder what my life could be like without them. Like, seriously, how do 'normal' people live? How do 'normal' people think? How much easier must they have it?! I don't think I ever go a day without one of those little voices in my head niggling away at me for something.

Can you imagine what it must be like to be completely anxiety free and emotionally stable?!

Nope, no. Me either.


I guess what I'm getting at here is, that I've never fully escaped my mental illnesses, especially those silly little ED voices. They've just gotten more manageable over time.

For some, I guess that's all recovery really is, or can be.

You know, I have down days. I have down weeks. I have down months. Sometimes life hits me with something that I'm truly not ready to handle and I just get sent spiraling into a dark place. It's hard to find the balance of listening to your recovered brain and listening to those little parts of your brain that just ain't quite there yet.

BUT, like I said, I'm managing. I think I've found a decent balance over the past 4 years, and I'm still getting a grasp of it day by day.


This swiftly leads me onto talking about relapsing.

YEP, don't we all just bloody love when you've come SO far and done SO well, and then all of a sudden your brain's just like 'hahaha, not today!' ?

I think it's crazy how things come back around again. I think it's because it's well-known territory. It's stuff we've already been through and are oddly comfortable with. We become incredibly 'at home' in our mental illnesses.

For me, I'd say that the past year or so has been one of the hardest. Before being diagnosed with Anorexia, I was Bulimic and an insanely obsessive binge eater. Food was my only vice and I abused it wayyyyy too much. Then, something happened this year that really triggered it all back off again. I was pushed back to the beginning of 2013 and felt like a scared 15 year old, completely unsure of what to do with herself.

It really began to happen last summer - it was a combination of new emotions, new medications and a new lifestyle that really threw me off balance. But, I guess I just couldn't pull myself back together enough, before being knocked even more this year.

The binge eating began again, but with much less of the bulimic tendencies (it's really not something I want back in my life AT ALL). I was having pre-planned binges, chewing and spitting out food, eating wayyyy more than my body could handle - most of this was whilst crying to some soppy RomCom or listening to Adele on repeat...

It wasn't a good time for me.

I'd say I'm still in the process of dragging myself out of that though. Even the other day I had a couple of binging days, which I felt SO guilty over. But, I guess the thing I've learnt is that, I don't have to punish myself for it - I just move. on.

Each day is a new day.

Start fresh.

Move on.


It can be hard, yes. Especially when your whole body is aching and you feel as thought you're a bloated baby seal that's washed up on the shore of a beach and is trying to get up and walk around as if they're some skinny long legged pretty flamingo (I really don't know why I'm metaphorically talking about myself as wild animals, but here we are).

The post-binge feeling is horrific. Depending on the size of the episode, it can take me up to a week to feel better afterwards, which is truly shit (like SO shit) when I want to be able to go about my life feeling 'normal' again.

But, things happen. Binges happen. Relapses happen.

We're all allowed to screw up a little bit sometimes.

Now, something else you might be thinking, considering all of the 'sensitive' things I've written in this blog post, and the kind of soft souled character I am (yes, I really did just describe myself like that) that my job choices are a bit... well... bizarre. And, do you know what? They really really are.

Why chose a job... in fact 2 jobs... that are all entirely based off of your appearance after recovering from an Eating Disorder? LORD KNOWS. I didn't plan it... it just kind of... happened.

But, I feel that the irony here is that, despite a lot of the judgement and scrutiny that comes from having different 'looks' in this industry, or the kind of comments that I sometimes receive on Instagram, it's a bunch of work which has managed to build up my confidence so so so much.

I would not be the person I am today without being pushed and encouraged to do the things I've done over the past couple of years.

I've gone from not being able to leave the house, to walking into a room full of strangers, doing the craziest things at castings, and walking out the door without a care in the world.

I've gone from not even showing my face in photos, to posing confidently and doing lingerie collaborations on a weekly basis.

It's great!

It's weird, but it's great.



Anyway, regardless of the tiny disappointment that comes when I don't book a job, and the occasional bump in the road in terms of binge eating, I'm doing pretty damn alright.

In comparison to the person that my friends and family would have described me as 4 years ago, I'm a whole new girl and that feels wonderful to know.

I love the lack of anxiety I have around food, I love that my thoughts aren't consumed by the idea of dying or hurting myself and I love that I'm able to be around people now.

4 years on, I might sometimes have my moments, but I'm definitely coming into my own and am SO grateful that I worked hard to get myself to this point now.

Everything always works itself out and gets better - I'm a strong believer that time is a healer.

Eating Disorder Recovery - 4 Years On


It's almost 4 years since I was diagnosed with Anorexia and Depression. Time flies when you're... recovering... right?!

Ironically, yes it does.

Where have the past 4 years gone? What has happened? What has changed? How have I felt? Well, in this little (in fact, this is going to be long one, grab a cup of tea) blog post, you're going to get a little insight into my life. Your  own insight into what it's truly been like for me, for my mental health and for the people in my life, over the past 4 years.


So, where do I begin?

I'm honestly not too sure where to start this blog post off - it's probably going to be a bit all over the place, so I do apologise. I guess let's head back to 2014, the year I was diagnosed.

At this point, I barely remember a thing, 2014/2015 are all a bit of a blur - except for maybe a few pop song lyrics and some tragic thing that happened on Eastenders, that's about it. I guess I remember it being hard. Like, REALLY hard. I was trying to recover in my 'own' way, you see. I, being the stubborn teenager I was, wasn't 'ready' to be forced to outpatient meetings every day or have someone I barely knew take over my life and tell me what I could or couldn't eat.

I had so many complex things swirling around in my brain, and any part of my OCD (something that only became apparent after my original diagnosis) was not going to let anyone else take control just yet. Too much was changing at once for me, and it was terrifying.

If I think back to when I was in high school, pre-diagnosis, or just about to drop-out of college as my life started falling apart around me, I don't really think much about MY own experience anymore. I always wonder what it was like to be on the outside.

I went from being a very bubbly, giggly teenager, to a lifeless, cold shell. I went from having fun with my friends, to completely isolating myself or ruining anytime we spent together by getting unbelievably drunk to *try* and suppress my feelings.

Could you see it was happening to me? What was it like to be around me? What was it like to have me go through that after years of (what you'd consider) a normal relationship with me? How did you deal with it? What advice would you give as an outsider?

I wonder a lot of these things regularly.

I always wonder whether my Mum gets a weird sense of pride when I suggest we go OUT (yeah, like OUT OUT to a restaurant) for lunch, or whether my friends feel different now that I'm more like myself again and can actually have a civilized gin and tonic without bursting into tears and becoming suicidal.

So I thought, for the sake of this blog post, I'd asked them and get a bit of a different perspective for once.


"It was clear that things weren't right at the beginning of Year 11. You were quiet and intense, you started cutting down on food and exercising - the food cut down to hardly anything and the exercise was done every night as you walked in from school. 

Panic set in if there were any obstacles. I.e. if you couldn't eat at a certain time or if anyone came into the kitchen at the same time as you.

Our lives were turned upside down.

We knew it was anorexia, but twice I got you to the doctors, and twice they made out I was an overanxious, protective Mum. 

It was when your hair started falling out, your shoulders and your teeth protruded and the Lanugo [soft downy hair that grows to protect your body heat during extreme thinness] appeared on your arms, that I really had to do something."

"It was very scary as you spoke of wanting to die regularly."

"You wouldn't leave the house for weeks."

"To anyone who didn't know you, I don't think it would've been really obvious, but to be in your circle of friends it was clear you had a lot troubling you."

"It was hard to be around you [and] to find the right things to say... you feel a bit hopeless/useless because it felt like nothing I could say to you would be enough to help, which made it kind of difficult to talk to you sometimes."

"It wasn't really like being around the Holly we knew...it was so sad to see you struggle so much and how it affected the fun loving side of you we love (and now have back) (yay)!"

"Seeing you cry on nights out was the hardest because you were so inconsolable - nothing anyone would said would go through to you."

"It felt like you were really distant... Obviously as a friend you want to be there, but it's tough when you literally have 0 clue what to say or do... [but] to all the people who have friends struggling with mental health problems/eating disorders etc. I would encourage you to try and start a conversation and offer support."

"...It made our relationship stronger in a lot of ways... I'd say the biggest way it affected our relationship was probably in the struggle between us wanting to help you and you feeling like you were burdening us and therefore shutting us off."

"If anything, when friends are more open about their struggles, it brings them closer."

"I think it's important that [friends] come to you when [you] need it, not necessarily when you want them to."

"Never underestimate the need for a friend in a situation like that, even if they don't reach out for your help, they will need and want you there. Organise things which are within the person's comfort zone (i.e. let them chose the restaurant or suggest something to do) or do something low key at someone's house if everything else is too overwhelming."

"Always stick around... when you see your friend living their best life again, it's all so worth it."


Now, to me, that's all kind of like some story that didn't even happen. It's like that wasn't even a part of my life. I became some disassociated during that time, that it's almost like I didn't exist for a good 2-3 years.

I think that's something I never realised would happen, you know? I thought that it was all SO significant and SO important that I would never forget it. And, well, don't get me wrong, I won't... but there are soooo many other amazing things that have happened to me since, that I'd much rather remember.

I think it's just, when you're in the depths of a mental illness, it feels like it's everything and all that will ever matter to you ever again. But when you step out of it, you can finally realise what you've been missing out on, whilst you've been counting calories or jogging on the spot for an hour straight.

It's scarily freeing.

Something that gets to me has always been the idolization of eating disorders - or any other mental illness for that matter. I'm just going to get straight to the point and say: mental illnesses are not fun. They ruin your way of thinking and they ruin your life... and, honestly, they're shit. 

My mental illnesses have become such a big part of my life, that it's scary to me to wonder what my life could be like without them. Like, seriously, how do 'normal' people live? How do 'normal' people think? How much easier must they have it?! I don't think I ever go a day without one of those little voices in my head niggling away at me for something.

Can you imagine what it must be like to be completely anxiety free and emotionally stable?!

Nope, no. Me either.


I guess what I'm getting at here is, that I've never fully escaped my mental illnesses, especially those silly little ED voices. They've just gotten more manageable over time.

For some, I guess that's all recovery really is, or can be.

You know, I have down days. I have down weeks. I have down months. Sometimes life hits me with something that I'm truly not ready to handle and I just get sent spiraling into a dark place. It's hard to find the balance of listening to your recovered brain and listening to those little parts of your brain that just ain't quite there yet.

BUT, like I said, I'm managing. I think I've found a decent balance over the past 4 years, and I'm still getting a grasp of it day by day.


This swiftly leads me onto talking about relapsing.

YEP, don't we all just bloody love when you've come SO far and done SO well, and then all of a sudden your brain's just like 'hahaha, not today!' ?

I think it's crazy how things come back around again. I think it's because it's well-known territory. It's stuff we've already been through and are oddly comfortable with. We become incredibly 'at home' in our mental illnesses.

For me, I'd say that the past year or so has been one of the hardest. Before being diagnosed with Anorexia, I was Bulimic and an insanely obsessive binge eater. Food was my only vice and I abused it wayyyyy too much. Then, something happened this year that really triggered it all back off again. I was pushed back to the beginning of 2013 and felt like a scared 15 year old, completely unsure of what to do with herself.

It really began to happen last summer - it was a combination of new emotions, new medications and a new lifestyle that really threw me off balance. But, I guess I just couldn't pull myself back together enough, before being knocked even more this year.

The binge eating began again, but with much less of the bulimic tendencies (it's really not something I want back in my life AT ALL). I was having pre-planned binges, chewing and spitting out food, eating wayyyy more than my body could handle - most of this was whilst crying to some soppy RomCom or listening to Adele on repeat...

It wasn't a good time for me.

I'd say I'm still in the process of dragging myself out of that though. Even the other day I had a couple of binging days, which I felt SO guilty over. But, I guess the thing I've learnt is that, I don't have to punish myself for it - I just move. on.

Each day is a new day.

Start fresh.

Move on.


It can be hard, yes. Especially when your whole body is aching and you feel as thought you're a bloated baby seal that's washed up on the shore of a beach and is trying to get up and walk around as if they're some skinny long legged pretty flamingo (I really don't know why I'm metaphorically talking about myself as wild animals, but here we are).

The post-binge feeling is horrific. Depending on the size of the episode, it can take me up to a week to feel better afterwards, which is truly shit (like SO shit) when I want to be able to go about my life feeling 'normal' again.

But, things happen. Binges happen. Relapses happen.

We're all allowed to screw up a little bit sometimes.

Now, something else you might be thinking, considering all of the 'sensitive' things I've written in this blog post, and the kind of soft souled character I am (yes, I really did just describe myself like that) that my job choices are a bit... well... bizarre. And, do you know what? They really really are.

Why chose a job... in fact 2 jobs... that are all entirely based off of your appearance after recovering from an Eating Disorder? LORD KNOWS. I didn't plan it... it just kind of... happened.

But, I feel that the irony here is that, despite a lot of the judgement and scrutiny that comes from having different 'looks' in this industry, or the kind of comments that I sometimes receive on Instagram, it's a bunch of work which has managed to build up my confidence so so so much.

I would not be the person I am today without being pushed and encouraged to do the things I've done over the past couple of years.

I've gone from not being able to leave the house, to walking into a room full of strangers, doing the craziest things at castings, and walking out the door without a care in the world.

I've gone from not even showing my face in photos, to posing confidently and doing lingerie collaborations on a weekly basis.

It's great!

It's weird, but it's great.



Anyway, regardless of the tiny disappointment that comes when I don't book a job, and the occasional bump in the road in terms of binge eating, I'm doing pretty damn alright.

In comparison to the person that my friends and family would have described me as 4 years ago, I'm a whole new girl and that feels wonderful to know.

I love the lack of anxiety I have around food, I love that my thoughts aren't consumed by the idea of dying or hurting myself and I love that I'm able to be around people now.

4 years on, I might sometimes have my moments, but I'm definitely coming into my own and am SO grateful that I worked hard to get myself to this point now.

Everything always works itself out and gets better - I'm a strong believer that time is a healer.

Thinking over the past couple of months almost feels like a big blur. I kind of seemed to spiral into a person that wasn't really 'Me', you know? 

You see, as much as I love a bit of a dance and a tequila shot or two, going on all day benders 4 times a week, barely sleeping, and eating pot noodle for breakfast, really isn't my thing... but that's what I was doing, and I was doing it a lot. It definitely stems from heartbreak. Everyone goes a little off the rails when they're heartbroken, right? But, I think it's what I needed.

I simply needed to not. give. a. fuck. for a while. 

So I didn't.

I'd spent soooo long pandering to someone else's life, that it was totally freeing to just let loose and find myself sipping gin out of a coffee cup, on a train back to my mates at 9pm.

It was weirdly liberating. I hadn't lived like that in such a long time. Actually... I don't think I'd ever let myself live like that, EVER. However, there definitely comes a time when the constant heartbroken induced drinking, and dancing until 3am on a Tuesday night, has to come to an end. (It might have been the night that I kissed multiple guys, got pied by the bartender, and then a bouncer called me Macaulay Culkin that did it for me, but I'm not sure I can put my finger on it...)

I suddenly woke up one morning and realised that I felt like... well... shit.

I felt exhausted, my body was dehydrated, I'd gained a little weight, I hadn't done any work in FOREVER. I felt like my life had completely gone off track - like I'd been stuck in the same old rut for 4 months and wasn't moving forward. So, I decided to move. (And by that I mean, move from my bed for more than just grabbing some crunchy nut clusters from the kitchen.)

EXERCISE

I started exercising again.

I'm not a gym bunny AT ALL, in fact, I really only enjoy the feeling AFTER exercising. But, that's what convinces me to do it, I guess... even if it is only 30 mins a morning or whatever.

A little bit of exercise here and there makes you feel really bloody good.

I love feeling the post-workout ache, and seeing my waist tone up - it's better than waking up hungover and feeling shit after eating a McDonald's breakfast.

CLEANER DIET

I cleaned up my diet again.

I had been eating sooooo much crap since my break up. (I'll be honest, it triggered some awful eating disorder habits that I really struggled to pull myself out of BUT I did it.) 

I stopped having pre-meditated binging sessions and crying at The Notebook, and started making salads and having greek yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, and I just felt SO much better for it.

Not saying I don't treat myself every now and again if I want to, but for the most part, I always feel better with a cleaner diet.

WRITING & PHOTOGRAPHY (OR WHATEVER YOU CONSIDER IT)

I started writing and taking photos again - doing all those little things that I love.

I'd forgotten how much I loved waking up early, writing whilst sipping a cup of tea, and hearing birds chirping outside my window (very Snow White of me, I know).

I'd gotten SO behind with work, that when I threw myself back into it, it felt amazing to finally feel organised and on top of things again.

DRINKING LESS

And, I feel like this is the biggest one of all... I started drinking less.

This isn't to say I didn't go out anymore, because I love a little bit of socialisin' I do, but I just chose not to buy a gin and tonic, and bought a diet coke instead - especially if it was midweek.

It was nice to not be waking up with a hangover and actually be able to function at 11am, rather than still gasping for water in my bed.

It's nice to just not feel as 'stuck' anymore.

Getting Out Of My Rut


Thinking over the past couple of months almost feels like a big blur. I kind of seemed to spiral into a person that wasn't really 'Me', you know? 

You see, as much as I love a bit of a dance and a tequila shot or two, going on all day benders 4 times a week, barely sleeping, and eating pot noodle for breakfast, really isn't my thing... but that's what I was doing, and I was doing it a lot. It definitely stems from heartbreak. Everyone goes a little off the rails when they're heartbroken, right? But, I think it's what I needed.

I simply needed to not. give. a. fuck. for a while. 

So I didn't.

I'd spent soooo long pandering to someone else's life, that it was totally freeing to just let loose and find myself sipping gin out of a coffee cup, on a train back to my mates at 9pm.

It was weirdly liberating. I hadn't lived like that in such a long time. Actually... I don't think I'd ever let myself live like that, EVER. However, there definitely comes a time when the constant heartbroken induced drinking, and dancing until 3am on a Tuesday night, has to come to an end. (It might have been the night that I kissed multiple guys, got pied by the bartender, and then a bouncer called me Macaulay Culkin that did it for me, but I'm not sure I can put my finger on it...)

I suddenly woke up one morning and realised that I felt like... well... shit.

I felt exhausted, my body was dehydrated, I'd gained a little weight, I hadn't done any work in FOREVER. I felt like my life had completely gone off track - like I'd been stuck in the same old rut for 4 months and wasn't moving forward. So, I decided to move. (And by that I mean, move from my bed for more than just grabbing some crunchy nut clusters from the kitchen.)

EXERCISE

I started exercising again.

I'm not a gym bunny AT ALL, in fact, I really only enjoy the feeling AFTER exercising. But, that's what convinces me to do it, I guess... even if it is only 30 mins a morning or whatever.

A little bit of exercise here and there makes you feel really bloody good.

I love feeling the post-workout ache, and seeing my waist tone up - it's better than waking up hungover and feeling shit after eating a McDonald's breakfast.

CLEANER DIET

I cleaned up my diet again.

I had been eating sooooo much crap since my break up. (I'll be honest, it triggered some awful eating disorder habits that I really struggled to pull myself out of BUT I did it.) 

I stopped having pre-meditated binging sessions and crying at The Notebook, and started making salads and having greek yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, and I just felt SO much better for it.

Not saying I don't treat myself every now and again if I want to, but for the most part, I always feel better with a cleaner diet.

WRITING & PHOTOGRAPHY (OR WHATEVER YOU CONSIDER IT)

I started writing and taking photos again - doing all those little things that I love.

I'd forgotten how much I loved waking up early, writing whilst sipping a cup of tea, and hearing birds chirping outside my window (very Snow White of me, I know).

I'd gotten SO behind with work, that when I threw myself back into it, it felt amazing to finally feel organised and on top of things again.

DRINKING LESS

And, I feel like this is the biggest one of all... I started drinking less.

This isn't to say I didn't go out anymore, because I love a little bit of socialisin' I do, but I just chose not to buy a gin and tonic, and bought a diet coke instead - especially if it was midweek.

It was nice to not be waking up with a hangover and actually be able to function at 11am, rather than still gasping for water in my bed.

It's nice to just not feel as 'stuck' anymore.

Over the past year, there has been one thing that has truly been a huge contributor to my *slow* growing confidence, and that thing is... lingerie. Good ol' sexy lingerie.

There's something about slipping into a black lacy lingerie set that just makes me feel like, well... a hot. damn. goddess, you know?

"I think it is what is worn underneath that really inspires a woman to feel beautiful in her clothes." -Alice Temperley




I never really realised the impact the underwear I was wearing could have on me, or my confidence - to be more specific. 

I would pick comfy underwear. You know, the kind of underwear you wear on a 'sick' day, or the kind that have cute little stripes and polka dots on them? It wasn't until I turned 17/18 that I really took notice of the pieces I was choosing.

I guess that may have something to do with me getting older and wanting to feel a little more 'attractive', so to speak. But, whatever the reason, it truly has helped me come to terms with learning to love my own skin. 





This particular look is from B.tempt'd, one of my favourite brands to have underwear from. 

It's the 'After Hours' set and I simply cannot get over how amazing this set makes me feel!

There's something about this which is so beautiful and delicate, yet also so incredibly sexy, and I just absolutely LOVE that it manages to do it all.

I adore the way it's different to your usual bra, as it has the gorgeous shoulder detailing and bow at the back - it just makes it feel a little more special!



Taking notice and focusing on choosing good lingerie, has meant that I'm almost able to see myself in a kind of 'new light'. 

I feel GOOD in my underwear. I feel SEXY. I feel FUN. And, that's really made a huge difference for me.

Plus, there's nothing to say that choosing to wear 'sexier' pieces, or more detailed sets, is less comfortable. I still find that all my underwear is super comfy - which is an extra added bonus. (This set in particular is SO comfortable!)



I know you're all going to be wanting this set in your life too, so simply click HERE to check it out. OR, head on over to my Instagram and check out my cheek little giveaway (you never know, you could be the winner of these gorgeous pieces!!).

Shop the look:

The Power Of Good Lingerie


Over the past year, there has been one thing that has truly been a huge contributor to my *slow* growing confidence, and that thing is... lingerie. Good ol' sexy lingerie.

There's something about slipping into a black lacy lingerie set that just makes me feel like, well... a hot. damn. goddess, you know?

"I think it is what is worn underneath that really inspires a woman to feel beautiful in her clothes." -Alice Temperley




I never really realised the impact the underwear I was wearing could have on me, or my confidence - to be more specific. 

I would pick comfy underwear. You know, the kind of underwear you wear on a 'sick' day, or the kind that have cute little stripes and polka dots on them? It wasn't until I turned 17/18 that I really took notice of the pieces I was choosing.

I guess that may have something to do with me getting older and wanting to feel a little more 'attractive', so to speak. But, whatever the reason, it truly has helped me come to terms with learning to love my own skin. 





This particular look is from B.tempt'd, one of my favourite brands to have underwear from. 

It's the 'After Hours' set and I simply cannot get over how amazing this set makes me feel!

There's something about this which is so beautiful and delicate, yet also so incredibly sexy, and I just absolutely LOVE that it manages to do it all.

I adore the way it's different to your usual bra, as it has the gorgeous shoulder detailing and bow at the back - it just makes it feel a little more special!



Taking notice and focusing on choosing good lingerie, has meant that I'm almost able to see myself in a kind of 'new light'. 

I feel GOOD in my underwear. I feel SEXY. I feel FUN. And, that's really made a huge difference for me.

Plus, there's nothing to say that choosing to wear 'sexier' pieces, or more detailed sets, is less comfortable. I still find that all my underwear is super comfy - which is an extra added bonus. (This set in particular is SO comfortable!)



I know you're all going to be wanting this set in your life too, so simply click HERE to check it out. OR, head on over to my Instagram and check out my cheek little giveaway (you never know, you could be the winner of these gorgeous pieces!!).

Shop the look:


I'm always so set on trying to figure myself out.

I'm always pondering over 'who am I?', 'what's my purpose?', 'how should I be?', when in reality, I guess these questions are answer-less.

"So be it. I am a wholeness I'll never know. Maybe that's the best." - Hayden Carruth 

You see, I'm a gal who likes her questions answered. I like to feel in-the-know and in control. I like to make goals, and I like to reach them, but with life, there always comes a little bit of mystery, you know? so it makes it difficult for me, Little Miss 'I must succeed', to go about my days and not wonder whether everything is heading in the right direction.

I've felt lost at multiple times in my life, and in addition to that, I feel like I've experienced quite a few different 'periods of life' in my short 20 years on this earth.

And, in every different 'period' of my life that that 'lost' feeling creeps in, I revert back to the same old panic of 'I'm a failure!', 'everything is going wrong!' and it can feel a little bit debilitating.

It's ironic too because I'm also a huge believer in 'everything will work itself out', but when things start to go a little wrong or get a little confusing in my own life, that mentality goes completely out the window.

Let's throw it back to 2014 for example, when I decided to drop out of college.

I remember feeling like the biggest failure in the world - despite having a very valid reason to just up and leave the whole thing.

For months on end I had no idea where my life was going - I had no purpose anymore. I felt nothing most days, and there didn't really appear to be any kind of 'future' for me in my mind.

Then one day, I began writing. I began taking photos. I began putting some energy out there into the world. It took one small moment for things to just change a little, and, well, now it's 4 years later and here we are.

Here I am with a purpose, with (hopefully) some kind of future and feeling every emotion I possibly can (sometimes too many at once, but that's better than nothing haha).

I guess what I'm getting at is, despite how cheesy it sounds, everything will work itself out. We can't predict what's going to happen to us, or what kind of person we are. Everything is instant - things can change within the flicker of a moment.

I think sometimes we just have to ride things out, let things happen, see where the world wants to take us, rather than spending each day stressing over whether you're going to be moved out by 22 or whether your whole career is a big ol' flop.... let's just give things a chance.

So, I, myself, am going to try and start worrying less over what's going to happen to me. I'm going to stop trying to define myself, or worrying about how other people define me. I'm going to try and just go with it - live my life with unanswered questions.

I think that's probably the 'easiest' way to be, and things have managed to work themselves out so far, so why not just go with it and trust it...

Maybe That's The Best...


I'm always so set on trying to figure myself out.

I'm always pondering over 'who am I?', 'what's my purpose?', 'how should I be?', when in reality, I guess these questions are answer-less.

"So be it. I am a wholeness I'll never know. Maybe that's the best." - Hayden Carruth 

You see, I'm a gal who likes her questions answered. I like to feel in-the-know and in control. I like to make goals, and I like to reach them, but with life, there always comes a little bit of mystery, you know? so it makes it difficult for me, Little Miss 'I must succeed', to go about my days and not wonder whether everything is heading in the right direction.

I've felt lost at multiple times in my life, and in addition to that, I feel like I've experienced quite a few different 'periods of life' in my short 20 years on this earth.

And, in every different 'period' of my life that that 'lost' feeling creeps in, I revert back to the same old panic of 'I'm a failure!', 'everything is going wrong!' and it can feel a little bit debilitating.

It's ironic too because I'm also a huge believer in 'everything will work itself out', but when things start to go a little wrong or get a little confusing in my own life, that mentality goes completely out the window.

Let's throw it back to 2014 for example, when I decided to drop out of college.

I remember feeling like the biggest failure in the world - despite having a very valid reason to just up and leave the whole thing.

For months on end I had no idea where my life was going - I had no purpose anymore. I felt nothing most days, and there didn't really appear to be any kind of 'future' for me in my mind.

Then one day, I began writing. I began taking photos. I began putting some energy out there into the world. It took one small moment for things to just change a little, and, well, now it's 4 years later and here we are.

Here I am with a purpose, with (hopefully) some kind of future and feeling every emotion I possibly can (sometimes too many at once, but that's better than nothing haha).

I guess what I'm getting at is, despite how cheesy it sounds, everything will work itself out. We can't predict what's going to happen to us, or what kind of person we are. Everything is instant - things can change within the flicker of a moment.

I think sometimes we just have to ride things out, let things happen, see where the world wants to take us, rather than spending each day stressing over whether you're going to be moved out by 22 or whether your whole career is a big ol' flop.... let's just give things a chance.

So, I, myself, am going to try and start worrying less over what's going to happen to me. I'm going to stop trying to define myself, or worrying about how other people define me. I'm going to try and just go with it - live my life with unanswered questions.

I think that's probably the 'easiest' way to be, and things have managed to work themselves out so far, so why not just go with it and trust it...

You may notice I haven't been around much on my blog lately. I've been *trying* to take some time for 
myself - to figure stuff out.

I've been racking my brains over what I should be doing with my life, where I should be going, how I should be feeling etc. And, well, the thing I've come to realise is, I don't feel good enough... in any sense of the word.

I don't feel good enough to be a part of the blogging world anymore (hence my last blog post), I don't feel good enough to be a model, I don't feel good enough to be someone's girlfriend, I don't feel good enough to have a regular job... I just don't feel good enough for anything.

Now where has this feeling of absolute self destruction come from?

That's what I've been trying to put my finger on.

When I think back to the start of 2017, I really had my shit together. I had clear goals, I was on the right path towards those goals, and all the work I'd put into my mental health over the past 3 years was finally paying off. I was pretty damn happy. I liked myself, I liked my life and everything was on the 'up', FINALLY.

However, I know for a fact that last year, a lot of things changed. A lot of things set me back, and all of the self worth I'd built just slowly came crashing down.

I had someone in my life who tore down every bit of confidence that I ever had. I became brainwashed by the idea that someone 'loved' me, and I didn't realise all of the things which I was letting go of in my life, purely just by letting them in.

I stopped thinking about my goals, I stopped worrying about my own mental health and became concerned with someone else's, and I let myself believe that I really wasn't good enough - I wasn't 'perfect' or 'beautiful' enough for anyone.

That's the thing with me. Unfortunately, 99.9% of my self-worth, my confidence, comes from how attractive I feel. Without feeling good in myself and my looks, I feel like I have nothing.

So, when I let something happen in my life, that inevitably made me feel like a hideous, messy, excuse of a person, simply because I decided to put others first before myself, my head got a little bit... fucked up.

"Sometimes I feel proud to have all this love in me, and the other times I wish that it never existed there."

All my focus that should have been on my blog and my career, went onto something else, and it's probably my biggest regret in life.

Stepping out from something completely toxic and soul destroying, and finally thinking 'what the hell was I doing?!' 'why was I being made to feel like that?', is that realization I've needed to finally pick myself back up again.

I had my self confidence broken down. It fell apart, bit by bit... this is why I suddenly feel like I'm back at square 1... because I kind of am. When I feel confident, when I feel beautiful, when I feel full in myself, I THRIVE. I go out there, my head held high, and I sell myself to the world with every bit of energy I've got. And, when I don't, my whole world comes crashing down around me.

Sure, it makes me sad to think that my life revolves around my feelings of 'self-love' and whether I like my reflection, but it's been programmed into me. The world I've lived in, has programmed me to put my looks at the top of my priority list. I can't seem to erase it.

All I've ever wanted in my life is to feel at peace - to feel happy. All I'd love is to look in a mirror and finally feel like I really like what I see. And, it's hard because, a year ago, I was slowly reaching that point.

Now, I find it difficult to do anything.

I find going out the house hard work because I'm scared people that know me will see me and think I've gained weight, I find going on dates a nightmare because I don't think I have this 'perfect' body that I have been made to feel I should have to make men like me, and I find just doing my everyday tasks, my job, and going to castings, completely exhausting.

So, at the moment, this is what I'm trying to work on - loving myself again, making myself feel good in my own skin. I'm trying to pick myself up, remember what I'm passionate about and throw myself into it. I never want someone to come into my life again and have such a catalytic effect. I never want all of my hard work and progress to be ruined by another person.

My focus needs to be Me, my jobs and the people I love.

I want to spend my life feeling beautiful, feeling happy and succeeding the best that I can.

I want to feel good enough to do the things I want to do.

I want to love everything I do again, and do it with confidence.

Feeling Not Good Enough


You may notice I haven't been around much on my blog lately. I've been *trying* to take some time for 
myself - to figure stuff out.

I've been racking my brains over what I should be doing with my life, where I should be going, how I should be feeling etc. And, well, the thing I've come to realise is, I don't feel good enough... in any sense of the word.

I don't feel good enough to be a part of the blogging world anymore (hence my last blog post), I don't feel good enough to be a model, I don't feel good enough to be someone's girlfriend, I don't feel good enough to have a regular job... I just don't feel good enough for anything.

Now where has this feeling of absolute self destruction come from?

That's what I've been trying to put my finger on.

When I think back to the start of 2017, I really had my shit together. I had clear goals, I was on the right path towards those goals, and all the work I'd put into my mental health over the past 3 years was finally paying off. I was pretty damn happy. I liked myself, I liked my life and everything was on the 'up', FINALLY.

However, I know for a fact that last year, a lot of things changed. A lot of things set me back, and all of the self worth I'd built just slowly came crashing down.

I had someone in my life who tore down every bit of confidence that I ever had. I became brainwashed by the idea that someone 'loved' me, and I didn't realise all of the things which I was letting go of in my life, purely just by letting them in.

I stopped thinking about my goals, I stopped worrying about my own mental health and became concerned with someone else's, and I let myself believe that I really wasn't good enough - I wasn't 'perfect' or 'beautiful' enough for anyone.

That's the thing with me. Unfortunately, 99.9% of my self-worth, my confidence, comes from how attractive I feel. Without feeling good in myself and my looks, I feel like I have nothing.

So, when I let something happen in my life, that inevitably made me feel like a hideous, messy, excuse of a person, simply because I decided to put others first before myself, my head got a little bit... fucked up.

"Sometimes I feel proud to have all this love in me, and the other times I wish that it never existed there."

All my focus that should have been on my blog and my career, went onto something else, and it's probably my biggest regret in life.

Stepping out from something completely toxic and soul destroying, and finally thinking 'what the hell was I doing?!' 'why was I being made to feel like that?', is that realization I've needed to finally pick myself back up again.

I had my self confidence broken down. It fell apart, bit by bit... this is why I suddenly feel like I'm back at square 1... because I kind of am. When I feel confident, when I feel beautiful, when I feel full in myself, I THRIVE. I go out there, my head held high, and I sell myself to the world with every bit of energy I've got. And, when I don't, my whole world comes crashing down around me.

Sure, it makes me sad to think that my life revolves around my feelings of 'self-love' and whether I like my reflection, but it's been programmed into me. The world I've lived in, has programmed me to put my looks at the top of my priority list. I can't seem to erase it.

All I've ever wanted in my life is to feel at peace - to feel happy. All I'd love is to look in a mirror and finally feel like I really like what I see. And, it's hard because, a year ago, I was slowly reaching that point.

Now, I find it difficult to do anything.

I find going out the house hard work because I'm scared people that know me will see me and think I've gained weight, I find going on dates a nightmare because I don't think I have this 'perfect' body that I have been made to feel I should have to make men like me, and I find just doing my everyday tasks, my job, and going to castings, completely exhausting.

So, at the moment, this is what I'm trying to work on - loving myself again, making myself feel good in my own skin. I'm trying to pick myself up, remember what I'm passionate about and throw myself into it. I never want someone to come into my life again and have such a catalytic effect. I never want all of my hard work and progress to be ruined by another person.

My focus needs to be Me, my jobs and the people I love.

I want to spend my life feeling beautiful, feeling happy and succeeding the best that I can.

I want to feel good enough to do the things I want to do.

I want to love everything I do again, and do it with confidence.

My life is my life, no one else's.

The things I do have an impact on me, and those closest to me, only.

So, I guess I just find it baffling when people find it appropriate to preach to me what I should and shouldn't do.

"Everything changes when you start to emit your own frequency rather than absorbing the frequencies around you, when you start imprinting your intent on the universe rather than receiving an imprint from existence."




This has been something that seems to have increased in the last year for me.

You see, when I started this blogging/Instagram/YouTube malarkey, I was a very different person. I was younger, less comfortable within myself, and wayyyy too concerned with what people thought of me.

Now, not so much.

I'm 4 years older, learning more and more about how to handle my mental health as the days go by, and I'm not that concerned about whether people love or loath me or not.

If you don't like me, you don't like me. As long as you aren't direct and nasty with me about it, I really don't mind.


"Acceptance of yourself is far more important than acceptance from others"

I think this is basically what people don't like, isn't it? People really don't like it when someone cares less sometimes. People want you to have some squeaky clean, pristine persona all the time, and, well, I'm sorry, but that wouldn't be showing you the 'real' me.

The real me swears, the real me likes to drink with her friends, the real me wants to look and feel hot in her underwear, and that's just it. I just want to be myself, do my own thing, and enjoy it.





If anything you do with your life affects someone purely only because you're not living up to their expectations of you, SO WHAT?!

All that matters is that you are happy with your choices, you're not hurting anyone by doing anything and you're enjoying your life.

Life's too short to worry about if 'Debra from Instagram' thought I was a 'nice girl', and now she's 'disappointed' because I'm posing in my underwear and drinking gin.

Like, f*ck you Debra.

What Concerns You


My life is my life, no one else's.

The things I do have an impact on me, and those closest to me, only.

So, I guess I just find it baffling when people find it appropriate to preach to me what I should and shouldn't do.

"Everything changes when you start to emit your own frequency rather than absorbing the frequencies around you, when you start imprinting your intent on the universe rather than receiving an imprint from existence."




This has been something that seems to have increased in the last year for me.

You see, when I started this blogging/Instagram/YouTube malarkey, I was a very different person. I was younger, less comfortable within myself, and wayyyy too concerned with what people thought of me.

Now, not so much.

I'm 4 years older, learning more and more about how to handle my mental health as the days go by, and I'm not that concerned about whether people love or loath me or not.

If you don't like me, you don't like me. As long as you aren't direct and nasty with me about it, I really don't mind.


"Acceptance of yourself is far more important than acceptance from others"

I think this is basically what people don't like, isn't it? People really don't like it when someone cares less sometimes. People want you to have some squeaky clean, pristine persona all the time, and, well, I'm sorry, but that wouldn't be showing you the 'real' me.

The real me swears, the real me likes to drink with her friends, the real me wants to look and feel hot in her underwear, and that's just it. I just want to be myself, do my own thing, and enjoy it.





If anything you do with your life affects someone purely only because you're not living up to their expectations of you, SO WHAT?!

All that matters is that you are happy with your choices, you're not hurting anyone by doing anything and you're enjoying your life.

Life's too short to worry about if 'Debra from Instagram' thought I was a 'nice girl', and now she's 'disappointed' because I'm posing in my underwear and drinking gin.

Like, f*ck you Debra.


1. Glamour Magazine

In July 2017, I was featured in Glamour Magazine, which was super exciting! I remember heading into my local newsagents, with that giddy 'oh my god, I'm in a magazine!' feeling, to check out if it had been put out in the shops yet. Then, after flicking through, and spotting my little pale face against a bright red background, I ended up at the counter with 10 copies of it.

2. Shooting For Primark Beauty

Last year, I also got to shoot for Primark Beauty. This shoot is still one of my favourites - I really love shooting beauty campaigns - the make up was super cool and bold (totally, not my everyday make up, which is always fun to do on shoots), and the team were just absolutely lovely. You guys loved the photos too, which made it even more exciting for me!

3. Working With Estee Lauder & Nike

I began working with Estee Lauder last year, on a campaign for their new Lipsticks (obviously, I'm a great advocate for that kind of thing *wink wink*). The photos I shot for this are still some of my favourites, and I love how my relationship with the brand grew from there!

I also did a super cool collaboration with Nike. I shot some fab photos with Rosie Butcher, all focusing on a sassy pair of Nike Air Force 1s, which was so much fun!

4. The H&M Ad Comes Out

In November, the moment I had been waiting all summer long for, finally came. Back in June, I shot an advert for H&M in Prague, and it came out just in time to celebrate Christmas (one of my fave times of year!). That 3 second cameo of me waving will forever be one of my favourite career highlights haha.

5. A Holiday To Amsterdam

In February, I headed to Amsterdam for the second time.

Amsterdam is one of my favourite places I've traveled to, and although that trip wasn't one of the best holidays I've been on, it's still nice that I treated myself to a little get away!

6. Me & Ashleigh Get On Vogue Italia

Ashleigh Hamman and I did a really fun shoot with Joshua Drakes back in February, and to our excitement, it got onto Photo Vogue Italia!

Okay... 1. It's super exciting to be on Vogue, and 2. It's even more exciting when it's with one of your friends!

7. A Break Up

In March, my first relationship came to an end. It's probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in a long time, but it's definitely been a big learning curve for me, which I'm surprisingly grateful for.

8. Basically Living with Sam Sheldon Every Weekend

One of my favourite things to happen this year, was the friendship I made with my lovely gal Sam. I basically lodged at hers for about 3 weekends straight, and well... the love just grew from there haha.

Sitting in her room, chatting about how shit but amazing Riverdale is, and having her brush dryshampoo out of my hair whilst I sat on a stool in my underwear, is basically what I live for.

9. Finally Shooting with Silvijah Gec

Back in 2016, I bumped into a photographer called Sivijah at London Fashion Week. She took some lovely photos of me that day, and since, we'd been trying to organise a shoot together when I was down in London. But, we never crossed paths... UNTIL NOW.

We spent an amazingly sunny day shooting in Nottinghill, and the photos turned out amazing! She's one talented lady!

10. Ever Growing Self Confidence

In the past year, my confidence has truly had it's ups and downs, but I'd say I've become the most accepting of myself that I've ever been in 2018.

I've learnt that life isn't all about being a size 6, or having a gap between your thighs, but it's about having wonderfully hilarious days with your friends, and getting yourself a nice peachy bum from eating too much pizza.

Here's to more happiness and more self confidence (oh, and more pizza) in my 20th year too!

11. A Gucci Styled Shoot

This year, I got to be involved in a shoot that made all my Gucci dreams come true.

Gucci is a brand that I would dieeeee to model for (I mean, who knows? maybe one day?), but I got the second best thing when Kelly Johns asked me to be a part of her Final Major Project.

The shoot was so perfectly 'gucci-esque' and the team were all lovely to work with too!

Have a look at Kelly's work HERE.

12. Meeting & Working with Marta Ferenc

So, you know when you meet a photographer that just 'gets' you? That's what Marta is.

Marta is such a talented lady, who shares and equal amount of love for the colour red and polka dots as I do, and I just absolutely love working with her!

Since shooting together that first time, we have had so many chats (mostly me drunk messaging her about my tragic life) and shared so many ideas. I can't wait to work more with this gal!

13. Reigniting Friendships

Last year, I really cut myself off from my friends. I put myself in a little bubble and wouldn't let anyone in. However, this year, I've managed to reignite some amazing friendships with people.

It's so nice to have people that I love back in my life again.

14. Falling Obsessively In Love With The Colour Red

I just really love the colour red. There's not really much else to say about this...

15. A London Trip With Darina

In May, Darina (one of my favourite photographers, and people, in the whole entire world) and I headed off to London for a couple of days.

We spent our time drinking gin, shooting candid photos, and enjoying our little balcony we got with our hotel room.

It was such a lovely time, with an absolutely lovely lady!

16. Rhian, CJ, Lenny & Starr

I just want to shout from the roof tops how amazing these 4 girls are.

Since meeting Rhian this year, she has become one of my best friends. Our friendship is probably the shortest friendship going, but the laughs I've had with this gal and the love I have for her, just doesn't even compare to that.

CJ moving to Manchester is one of the best things that could have happened. She's one of the coolest, kindest and most generous ladies I have ever met, and I absolutely love her to pieces. Literally just being around her makes me feel x10 more confident in myself.

With Lenny, I basically just want to be her. I want to be as strong, confident and amazing as this girl is. She's also absolutely hilarious too, which is a huge added bonus. Oh, and she's really fit... if you hadn't noticed.

And Starr, she's is just an absolute HUN, who is well and truly killing it. Every time I see this girl, she makes me laugh and smile, and she's always ready to give me advice when I need it.

Every single one of these girls has been there for me when I've felt shit this year, and I cannot thank them enough for it.

17. Shooting For L'Oreal's Just Can't Get Enough Campaign & ASOS

One of the biggest jobs I've booked so far this year is for L'Oreal. I got to be a part of their latest lipstick campaign, which is super exciting for a lipstick lover like me.

I got to head down to London, sing 'Just Can't Get Enough' all afternoon and work with a bunch of amazingly lovely models - what else could I ask for?!

I also got to shoot a little bit of ecom for ASOS. I got to shoot their accessories and bags, which was really cool!

18. Working With Bobbi Brown, Nasty Gal and & Other Stories

This year, I've had the chance to work with some brands on pretty much a monthly basis, which I've really really loved.

I've taken part in 2 campaigns with Bobbi Brown (a team of people who are just truly lovely), as well as being a part of the #NastyGalsDoItBetter team on Instagram and working with & Other Stories too!

How did I get so lucky?!

19. Shooting For Miss Selfridge

This month, I got to shoot for one of my favourite brands, Miss Selfridge. If you head on over to their site, you can see little ol' me... eeeek!

Booking this job made me so happy, so seeing my face on there, and also getting to work with the lovely team there that day, was totally amazing!

I can't wait to see what the rest of this year brings and what happens whilst I'm 20 (when did I stop being 16?! H E L P)

19 Things That Happened In My 19th Year



1. Glamour Magazine

In July 2017, I was featured in Glamour Magazine, which was super exciting! I remember heading into my local newsagents, with that giddy 'oh my god, I'm in a magazine!' feeling, to check out if it had been put out in the shops yet. Then, after flicking through, and spotting my little pale face against a bright red background, I ended up at the counter with 10 copies of it.

2. Shooting For Primark Beauty

Last year, I also got to shoot for Primark Beauty. This shoot is still one of my favourites - I really love shooting beauty campaigns - the make up was super cool and bold (totally, not my everyday make up, which is always fun to do on shoots), and the team were just absolutely lovely. You guys loved the photos too, which made it even more exciting for me!

3. Working With Estee Lauder & Nike

I began working with Estee Lauder last year, on a campaign for their new Lipsticks (obviously, I'm a great advocate for that kind of thing *wink wink*). The photos I shot for this are still some of my favourites, and I love how my relationship with the brand grew from there!

I also did a super cool collaboration with Nike. I shot some fab photos with Rosie Butcher, all focusing on a sassy pair of Nike Air Force 1s, which was so much fun!

4. The H&M Ad Comes Out

In November, the moment I had been waiting all summer long for, finally came. Back in June, I shot an advert for H&M in Prague, and it came out just in time to celebrate Christmas (one of my fave times of year!). That 3 second cameo of me waving will forever be one of my favourite career highlights haha.

5. A Holiday To Amsterdam

In February, I headed to Amsterdam for the second time.

Amsterdam is one of my favourite places I've traveled to, and although that trip wasn't one of the best holidays I've been on, it's still nice that I treated myself to a little get away!

6. Me & Ashleigh Get On Vogue Italia

Ashleigh Hamman and I did a really fun shoot with Joshua Drakes back in February, and to our excitement, it got onto Photo Vogue Italia!

Okay... 1. It's super exciting to be on Vogue, and 2. It's even more exciting when it's with one of your friends!

7. A Break Up

In March, my first relationship came to an end. It's probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in a long time, but it's definitely been a big learning curve for me, which I'm surprisingly grateful for.

8. Basically Living with Sam Sheldon Every Weekend

One of my favourite things to happen this year, was the friendship I made with my lovely gal Sam. I basically lodged at hers for about 3 weekends straight, and well... the love just grew from there haha.

Sitting in her room, chatting about how shit but amazing Riverdale is, and having her brush dryshampoo out of my hair whilst I sat on a stool in my underwear, is basically what I live for.

9. Finally Shooting with Silvijah Gec

Back in 2016, I bumped into a photographer called Sivijah at London Fashion Week. She took some lovely photos of me that day, and since, we'd been trying to organise a shoot together when I was down in London. But, we never crossed paths... UNTIL NOW.

We spent an amazingly sunny day shooting in Nottinghill, and the photos turned out amazing! She's one talented lady!

10. Ever Growing Self Confidence

In the past year, my confidence has truly had it's ups and downs, but I'd say I've become the most accepting of myself that I've ever been in 2018.

I've learnt that life isn't all about being a size 6, or having a gap between your thighs, but it's about having wonderfully hilarious days with your friends, and getting yourself a nice peachy bum from eating too much pizza.

Here's to more happiness and more self confidence (oh, and more pizza) in my 20th year too!

11. A Gucci Styled Shoot

This year, I got to be involved in a shoot that made all my Gucci dreams come true.

Gucci is a brand that I would dieeeee to model for (I mean, who knows? maybe one day?), but I got the second best thing when Kelly Johns asked me to be a part of her Final Major Project.

The shoot was so perfectly 'gucci-esque' and the team were all lovely to work with too!

Have a look at Kelly's work HERE.

12. Meeting & Working with Marta Ferenc

So, you know when you meet a photographer that just 'gets' you? That's what Marta is.

Marta is such a talented lady, who shares and equal amount of love for the colour red and polka dots as I do, and I just absolutely love working with her!

Since shooting together that first time, we have had so many chats (mostly me drunk messaging her about my tragic life) and shared so many ideas. I can't wait to work more with this gal!

13. Reigniting Friendships

Last year, I really cut myself off from my friends. I put myself in a little bubble and wouldn't let anyone in. However, this year, I've managed to reignite some amazing friendships with people.

It's so nice to have people that I love back in my life again.

14. Falling Obsessively In Love With The Colour Red

I just really love the colour red. There's not really much else to say about this...

15. A London Trip With Darina

In May, Darina (one of my favourite photographers, and people, in the whole entire world) and I headed off to London for a couple of days.

We spent our time drinking gin, shooting candid photos, and enjoying our little balcony we got with our hotel room.

It was such a lovely time, with an absolutely lovely lady!

16. Rhian, CJ, Lenny & Starr

I just want to shout from the roof tops how amazing these 4 girls are.

Since meeting Rhian this year, she has become one of my best friends. Our friendship is probably the shortest friendship going, but the laughs I've had with this gal and the love I have for her, just doesn't even compare to that.

CJ moving to Manchester is one of the best things that could have happened. She's one of the coolest, kindest and most generous ladies I have ever met, and I absolutely love her to pieces. Literally just being around her makes me feel x10 more confident in myself.

With Lenny, I basically just want to be her. I want to be as strong, confident and amazing as this girl is. She's also absolutely hilarious too, which is a huge added bonus. Oh, and she's really fit... if you hadn't noticed.

And Starr, she's is just an absolute HUN, who is well and truly killing it. Every time I see this girl, she makes me laugh and smile, and she's always ready to give me advice when I need it.

Every single one of these girls has been there for me when I've felt shit this year, and I cannot thank them enough for it.

17. Shooting For L'Oreal's Just Can't Get Enough Campaign & ASOS

One of the biggest jobs I've booked so far this year is for L'Oreal. I got to be a part of their latest lipstick campaign, which is super exciting for a lipstick lover like me.

I got to head down to London, sing 'Just Can't Get Enough' all afternoon and work with a bunch of amazingly lovely models - what else could I ask for?!

I also got to shoot a little bit of ecom for ASOS. I got to shoot their accessories and bags, which was really cool!

18. Working With Bobbi Brown, Nasty Gal and & Other Stories

This year, I've had the chance to work with some brands on pretty much a monthly basis, which I've really really loved.

I've taken part in 2 campaigns with Bobbi Brown (a team of people who are just truly lovely), as well as being a part of the #NastyGalsDoItBetter team on Instagram and working with & Other Stories too!

How did I get so lucky?!

19. Shooting For Miss Selfridge

This month, I got to shoot for one of my favourite brands, Miss Selfridge. If you head on over to their site, you can see little ol' me... eeeek!

Booking this job made me so happy, so seeing my face on there, and also getting to work with the lovely team there that day, was totally amazing!

I can't wait to see what the rest of this year brings and what happens whilst I'm 20 (when did I stop being 16?! H E L P)

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